Real Life ~ This Feeling

There's this feeling bugging me but this feeling is not all that bad either.

I had this feeling ever since my elementary school best friend phoned me. She told me to check someone's photos uploaded on Facebook and it was all those elementary school photos.

Oh my God, I saw each and every one of them and this feeling started. I missed them so much... I have not seen them ever since the day we graduated and went to secondary school. Even though I once hated most of them, now I notice how bad secondary school can be, I'd much rather be in elementary school. Even so, they will change and they can either be much worse than before, making me dislike them further or they became nicer. xD Either way, I am still determined to see them.

I have this strong urge to add them on Facebook but I just dare not as I cannot bear seeing how much they've matured and grown. Gosh, I sound like an old woman but it's the truth anyways. I dare not see how different our worlds are and I do not know where to start to talk to them about and I wonder whether I would be bothering them then.

I guess the best would be just watching them from a distance. Sadly, I can only see their still photo. xD It's not like I can watch a clip and see how much they've been through all these years we've all been apart. Their friends will be someone I do not know.

I really miss them all. It would be wonderful to be reunited for just one day again even though I know there will be a problem and I do not wish to tell you readers. Sorry.

Another feeling is whenever I listen to a song I used to try so hard singing to, now that I've changed and so did my singing, my heart will have this powerful feeling of wanting to explode and let out every feelings within it! I feel like screaming out and singing out what's inside. But... I know my voice cannot handle it. I was told about a singing competition. I so badly want to join but I know there's no song suitable for me anymore unless I sing those that I've written.

This is sort of why I went for musical instruments. Instead of singing and not being able to reach that note, I can just play it however I want it without so much as draw a breath.

I even started preferring instrumental songs, the lyrics would probably hurt my feelings. You see, I was heartbroken many times, everything happened contained both good and bad but I actually took it the wrong way and my singing stopped. I no longer have this feel of singing. I missed out on golden opportunities like other singing competitions and stuff that I actually badly wanted to join. The loner side of me just would not let me go. I went to the dark side until I suddenly realized music healed me. The violin did it. Then came the piano. I tried very hard singing to a song with my piano playing but I just feel frustrated in the end...

Call me crazy or emo or anything but this is it. I admit I was desperate for death and could take it anytime before but now I'm recovering and am STILL recovering. I look for goals and try to outdo myself. I still do say I can accept death anytime though. That's because a part of me is reluctant to let go. And you know what? I do not really dare to let go of all of the darker side of myself.

I guess you all can say I am scared of getting hurt again even though I eventually will. Yes, I admit I DID get hurt many times even though I'm avoiding but the wound is not as bad as it would have been.

Ignore me, people. I sometimes think I ought to see a therapist or something. I sometimes feel that I need to check my brain. I feel that I have mental problem. Just so long something's wrong with me. I know there is. There's hives already but I know there's more to it than that. Still, I will think less of it as much as I can.

I will think of only goals and music. If any of them fails me, I know I will be crushed forever. That would be final...

Sorry for grammar mistakes. xD Lazy to check and correct, you know how I am.