Real Life ~ Agitated

Yes, I am agitated. Thanks to mom. It's all about homework and she's scolding just because I'd done the method wrongly.

I still don't see how mine can be wrong. I think it was OK. And the funny thing was, no matter how I followed my method. The answer is correct! xD LOL. Maybe I did find a way and it CAN be correct. @.@

Anyways, I never liked numbers. =P

She threatened lots of crap. Said I can't perform for the Teacher's Day thing and bla bla bla. All those shit. She also said she will terminate violin if I don't get good marks. Bla bla bla. In goes the words and sooner or later, out goes the words. All I was waiting for was the teaching of correct method for Maths. I was like, "Damn, your mouth open so wide when you talk crap and also, when are you gonna get straight to the point and tell me how to screw this thing?"

OK, fine, that was mean but I was mad, so was she, what can we do? We're both still humans.

If she terminated violin and I failed everything in my life and also really can't perform in the end, I think committing suicide is the only choice left.

I'm obviously still mad at her. I knew she was gonna say those words sooner or later. She does not even know what I've been thinking or feeling. She does not know how much I lack of violin practice too just to show I am not really an addict.

Even so, I know I may not understand her feelings truly either. After all, I feel that it's somewhat disgusting to observe my own parent's feelings, reactions and thinking for psychology.

I still wanna believe that everything will fall into place the right way. I do not want to lose sight of hope and dreams. I'm a dreamer so dreams are what I can only rely on. With my powerful will to so things I love, I can make the dream come true only if I can get what is required. And it's usually my mom and money-budget in the way.

She said she knew I would be like this when I get my violin. OK, that was something I'd obviously do but then look, she should be glad I did not waste their money again like last time when I was forced to learn piano. I stayed loving it from at least December until now, April.

This has gotta be the longest and strongest dream/hobby I ever had. I cannot afford to give up on violin. Not now, especially. Even though I still screech, I don't think it's worth giving up anymore. I know she will somehow regret if she really terminated. She'd be wasting the violin fees all these time.

This sucks. It truly does. You see, I read books. Books = educational. Guess what? I STILL get scolded for reading them and all that same shit again. This is why exam days, before, during and after are the most stressful times. Even when I draw or sing or play piano or play violin or anything, even when it's educational and innocent and good, I still get scolded for doing them with passion.

I mean, what the eff, man?

Yeah, I was wrong for not paying much attention to studies but have been slowly trying my best to change schedule lately. I knew I was too obsessed with violin. But hey, at least this time I'm not demonic like when I was piano-crazed. After all, I already love my violin for what it is and the fact that it's mine. Just mine only. I do not need to share with others and wonder when's my turn or whether I am monstrous. I do what I like with it. I took care of its cleanliness. I wiped off the rosin powder. I tuned it every time before playing. I made sure the bow doesn't go bald. I made sure the violin book's in good condition. I made sure I practise.

My cousin brother's not practising enough, as it seems to his parents. It was his choice to learn but he was forced to practise. He did not take care of the piano well enough but he still likes playing it. Just at his own speed. He sometimes get bored with it and all but it's normal to be like that after playing too long or something.

Why can't mom and dad be glad I do not need scolding to practise? Why can't they be happy I don't mistreat it? Why don't they just... URGH!

Fine, I was and AM still lazy. That's me anyways. I still wonder why we must bother doing all this shit when we end up dead one day. I wonder why humans have to be smart to be considered useful. I do not see why can't they be like the old times when they all did stuff for one another and meant what they said sincerely. I mean, THEY were happy at that time too, right? I think I'm born into the wrong century.

Well, for a start, one thing a book said was true: We never asked to be born.

That's it. You can blame all you like and judge how you want but this one is right.

You cannot deny it.

Great, another lecture coming. Just hoping this world can be a happy land with no worries and such. Even though dark and light is a balance, I still want everyone to be happy and worry-free.

This is why I support 2012 happening. Humans extinct, less problems. Animals just live how they are in the first place.

I'm gonna go read books in my room. And I'm telling you, gonna read SCHOOL book AND my book. There! Both educational and one thing is related to school! Screw everything!

Bye. Hope things can turn out good in the end.

Still gonna stay calm and happy on the outside as much as possible.

My English teacher taught us about 'Jekyll & Hyde'. In real life, indeed we are both good and bad, just which one are we leaning more to the side of.

Gotta admit, I am both good and bad. I can sometimes be more on the bad side, sometimes more on the good side. My teacher said that some people pretend to be good but on the inside, we are bad.

To be truthful, I just want to show my good side to people on the outside. In the inside, I want to be human and just let the wrath out. So this is where creativity and art come in. Music and writing. I wrote poems, stories, blogs, songs. Made up instrumental songs. Now playing violin because it expresses the feelings more easily, just that I am still beginner, even after 4 months, I am not good enough to say I can express exactly how I feel on violin. I still rely on piano now. xD

There's this blog too. I warned you, read at your own risk, if you cannot take what I say, stay away, don't comment either.

For those supporting me all this while, thank you. I do not know how to thank you all.

OK, this is really good bye.

Take care and have fun~!^^