Real Life ~ Slapping Surprises

CAUTION: IF YOU'RE EFFING POSITIVE, DO NOT READ THIS! I BEG YOU!

I HATE slapping surprises that leave a person depressed for days. Even minutes of it is bad enough. Hmph!

Just when you come around thinking that you've done quite well, deserve a pat on the back, words of tiny genuine praises, you get none of these shit.

Wow did I have a shitty day yesterday (or something). Do not get me wrong. I would LOVE to tell you what happened but since I decided not to make that person uneasy or anything, I will not say anything about it. That is, if he even noticed it. Jeez.

So... I made something that should be much more peaceful for me. And also good for my own heart that somehow seems dead when not around my violin. NO MORE COMMENTS ON YOUTUBE! Well, only applicable for my own violin videos. That latest one may be my last one.

I found something wrong with my cam. *fakes a smile*

How could I have not noticed anything like that from the start? Double stoppings cannot be done with a cam like that. Silly me. I have done this before and seem to think others understand what's wrong and that no one's at fault for that.

It sounded as if I violently killed someone in the videos with double stoppings. =/

Once, I remember seeing a youtuber comment on others' violin video, saying that a good video quality with violin playing will make a person's ear bleed. It's true. I've listened to a great guy's performance in the video and his violin playing made my ears feel like it is going to burst and bleed. Terribly painful. =S Haha. But a friggin' good song. =D

So... As I go further, the songs are gonna get harder, what with all the double stoppings and whatnot. That's going to be a big problem when I want to upload the video, right? Besides, the thought of it just made me realize that the cam does not show how my actual playing sounds like. Thus, ruining the true sound of my violin (and not making video watchers' ears bleed =P).

Because of that, I decided that no matter how long I wait to be 100% ready to play a song, things will never be better. My feelings will be crushed in the end including my pride and the little confidence I achieved so far. *pouts*

Still, I want to blame my last minute fear and lack of confidence when in front of the cam. I wish that people would not bother what facial expressions I make whenever I play, including my family AND friends.

Simon Cowell proved me something. He said on The Oprah's Show that he gets depressed suddenly. When he gets to be like that, he does not want to talk to anyone and no one should go near him. That part is so like me. Problem is, I am not an adult and I cannot support myself yet. My only possible time to be really alone is at night when I (try to) go to sleep. Simon told us that there's no particular reason for his sudden depression. He just gets dark and moody.

Sadly, when I told mom that I could be like that, she just said I am a teenager with stupid mood swings. You know what? Can people just forget the fact that I am a teenager? Can people just think of me as a human? No age to think about. JUST PLAIN EFFING HUMAN, DAMMIT!

If it really were to be a mood swing. Goodness knows what I would actually do when it happens. If my mood swung towards sorrow, I get so down that I could ruin everything in my life forever, including killing myself or others. If I suddenly became angry, I become violent. I would start wanting to KILL people around me for maybe simply sneezing or talking to me at the wrong time or maybe just clearing his/her throat at the wrong time. When I become happy for no reason, I laugh and shout, annoying people in the process, like as if I am drunk when no alcohol is needed. See? This is why I really think I should see someone who is professional enough to help me.

At least Simon Cowell let me know that I am not alone being like that. ='[

Today, I am not mapling at night. Just online in the afternoon to see what there is to do. Yay, I am Blade Specialist in Maple. =D And... it's retarded how I do not know where to get that damn Mastery Book to level "Slash Storm". =/ Because of that, I can only get to 5th level. Oh well... It was a nice and useful skill though. T.T I am sure I ruined all my skills. Why is it that I can never add a skill or Ability Points correctly without referring to others' advice? xD

Reading "Love In The Mask" now. It's a Korean Manhwa. I usually prefer Japanese Mangas because their drawing is cuter and nicer in a way but a Korean's manhwa is detailed in a way though I do not like how certain things drawn are as if copied and pasted. Example, a real city with buildings and advertisements.

Oh well, Koreans' manhwa can get really dramatic like their dramas and all but it's still nice to read.

Not feeling so well... My heart (really heart this time, not chest pain) hurt quite a number of times this evening. Weird... Surely I did not stress myself too much? ;P Heck, let's not worry too much.

As usual, take care and have fun~!^^ Do that for me please! =P