Anyways, we got our stupid big exam's results today.
I've done 2 videos for 2 types of people today. I wanted to do another one but I forgotten about it. Lol.
This link for the happy idiots who got great results!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmiMkir1ubg
This link for us people who deserve more satisfaction!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNB_XWMa7Uk
I am not proud of both videos. Oh well. I do not want to care too much of ANYTHING now.
Woke up feeling absolutely nothing. I prepared this and that. Bla bla bla.
Went to school still feeling nothing but slight anxiety tugged at me.
Funny, just as I was about to get the result, I do not feel anything but wanting to just take and go. I already know from the start that I will not be doing well.
I only got 4 A's. I do not wanna give an eff. At least my Chinese did not fail. xD Was sure that the subject's a goner. Luck was partially on my side. Science, which I thought I did horribly for the second paper, surprisingly got an A. As for Maths, which I got not enough time to write everything in pen, got an A as well. BM, BM, BM~ I actually got an A. o.0 Lol. I do not remember how I did for it but anyways, it seemed like a miracle to my parents. Funny. Got A for English as well. Hmm... I know I should still feel happy and all but... this annoyingly nagging feeling keeps on chewing on my inside, telling me that I should not be satisfied at all...
My mom's first reaction was not even a smile. Well, because I did not know how to feel about my results, I decided to follow her reaction. I suppose I was not satisfied at all then.
Only one friend of mine, who's my classmate in the elementary school, gave me courage and comfort. I am so glad that out of all the friends I have, there's one who's ready to give me strength to live on even though she was busy being happy with her results. ^^ She rocks! =P 6A's! Everyone give a round of applause! xD
I wanted to cry out of sadness. I held those tears back. I've been holding them for the whole day. I do NOT want to cry over something I initially have no feelings for when I received the results. Just wanted to be tough once and for all.
Back at home, I uploaded and bla bla bla. Mom said certain things that were true but I didn't know they would hurt so much when they are said out loud... It was what that made my initially one of my best practice of this whole week became something too emotional. Sadly it was too late to capture the pure emotions being played out into songs. I pity Autumn though. I tried to see if I could play one of the songs I am having quite a trouble with well using that strong emotion but it seems like I am hurting the strings and the bow even more. I did not notice how hard my thumb gripped the bow until my thumb had this angry looking line across the lower part of the nail.
I was told I did well and all those shit but I do not want to believe them. The truth is, I am the worst among all my friends and that is exactly why I DO NOT want to see ANYBODY OR KNOW ANYBODY'S RESULTS. It was predictable. Just could not predict how I would feel at that moment because predicted feelings cannot beat true feelings.
"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness."-Maya Angelou
When I first saw that quote from a book, I cannot believe how much it resembled me!
Today's example really shows it all. You could say I was lonely. Now I want to just whine and die. I really want to cry but I know I must not! I REALLY am about to let those few tears escape as they are really in my way of view now. Lol.
I played "Memory" with all my heart but I am still new to that song so mistakes are unavoidable. Shit, the first tear escaped. Hey, I was about to lock it up in a cage. xD Second tear out. Oops-a-daisy.
Sorry, my poker face is beginning to wear out.
Halfway playing those songs, I just realized how I wanted to lock myself out crying my eyes out in bed alone. Well, that's gonna waste my time. I need to help mom out in the house. There's not a moment for me to break down completely. I even thought of killing myself while playing the violin.
Why can't I just... Oh never mind. Saying this only ends up getting harsh remarks. Why can't people just comfort when I need comforting words?
Looks like my darkest moments are back. Don't feel like throwing a welcoming party for them.
Somebody's birthday is coming up~ *says in a sissy voice*
Her name starts with 'A' and ends with 'E'. ;P
Gonna just watch anime. That ought to lighten my mood up. =S
Take care and have fun~! Do this for me but don't rub it in my face.
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