Who knew I'd actually be needing to ask myself this one day? (Well, apart from other times when I questioned myself but this time, the question is somehow haunting me and making me wonder a lot)
Friend or Foe? (Reminds me of a song of TATU's!)
When exam comes, this is by far one of the best times for me to know the true colours of people. You see, my pretty friend, whom surprised me by being extremely nice and pretty at the same time (after all, usually pretty girls like her aren't nice on the inside), is very desperate when exams start.
I can easily see it on her face. Those burning eyes, practically shouting, asking for answers! (Reminds me of the poem "He Had Such Quiet Eyes" by Bibsy Soenharjo) Here's a confession (Another confession! xD), she asked me for answers during exam. She isn't the only one too. =/ And, nothing to be shocked about, I was dumb enough to give the answers even though I wasn't sure they're even correct at all. I admit I NEVER liked giving answers.
Even when we had to write an essay ( English & BM), she asked. This time, she did not get to ask because I successfully pretended to be asleep (and end up feeling kinda sleepy in the end. Lol.) and our class teacher made us all sit differently. To my relief, I am away from her. Sadly, there is still one who asked like, for every paper except essays. xD
Today, I finally have the courage to say, "No!" to that girl. Fortunately, she did not try to wake me up or get my attention for answers. *wipes sweat*
As I was saying, this pretty friend does not seem to know that I, like many others during this time of the year, am busy studying the whole day. It is OK to call and ask me if it's in the day or latest by evening but it is NOT OK to call me at night and so close to my bedtime. I was freaking out and so close to breaking down when she suddenly called, making me have no choice but to answer. (Yes, I ain't a nice person.)
It was History and I suck at that subject and absolutely am NOT prepared for it whatsoever. I had tips to give her but I had so little time left that even I myself was desperate (but not desperate enough to ask for answers during exam).
Thanks to that, I could not sleep well and for the whole time of the next day, which was the day of History exam, I felt guilty and bad. I kept scolding myself for being such a mean and useless friend. Also, for being an unreliable friend.
I understand that History is not a very easy subject for everyone of us and she agrees with me on that too. Or course she would want tips. =(
This really effed-up moment came the moment she approached me (like most times before exam starts) to study with me (but usually end up sharing book with me, which is slowing me down). She herself had tips. Her tips were even more detailed than mine. Things started having more "What-the-eff moments" when she was curiously watching my reaction when she showed me the tips.
Knowing that she asked for tips the night before as if she did not know anything, she still had the nerve to show me those tips! She asked me this, "Now that you know what's coming out, you... don't even want to rush to study those topics immediately?" Can you believe it? So, in the end, I didn't feel so bad after all. I felt stupid for feeling so bad instead. -.-
Sure, I still feel bad and all... I've been thinking that maybe my best friend was right after all when he said that she was just using me.
Sigh, I am tired of convincing myself that she isn't a person whom I thought her to be. Like from the book "Who's That Girl?" by Alexandra Potter, I've been like the main character, convincing myself that the person was perfect. The only difference between the main character and I is that she was referring to her boyfriend (who proposed to her). On the other hand, I was referring to me pretty friend.
Again, like in the book "Be Careful What You Wish For" by Alexandra Potter, she made a point when the main character in the book asked, "Why is it that the good-looking guy gets all the girls and not the nice friend of his?" Something like that. Sorry, cannot remember well. =( Whatever it is, just change the question to: "Why is it that the pretty friend gets all the attention and popularity and not the friend of hers?"
It's ALWAYS like that to me! It's always: "Me, the other friend of hers.", "Me, the quiet friend of hers.", or "Oh, me, who hangs out with the pretty one."
I am beginning to think that I will forever remain like that.
For the English exam, I loved the question that asked whether beauty was necessary to lead a successful life. Of course we're all meant to answer, "No" but back in many people's mind (in fact, you do not even have to go way back), I know that people these days judge by the way others look. So now, I have come to the conclusion that if you can accurately judge people by the way they look, then by all means do so even though most of us would love a chance to change any negative impression we give.
Another thing, before I forget, I have once again filtered my friend list on facebook and you know what? I realized that I never needed those people.
Just not long ago, this friend of mine said he wanted to have a drum set to beat out all his emotions. I remember he said that he wanted to play cello and after he finally got it, he never spoke of it anymore. It was as if he quit learning! So I decided to be sociable once and for all and asked him, "What about cello?" I was worried that it might have been a sensitive subject to him but what the heck, maybe I was thinkin' too much.
Guess what did he do? He REMOVED that comment of mine.
For some time, I felt bad and told myself, "Way to go, girl. Now you've gone and made his feelings worse!"
When I went to his page, he mentioned something about a broken heart. I wondered if he purposely said that to get his ex-girlfriend to see his status.
When I told one of my family members about this case, she told me that he only wanted to talk to people who are in his group. He belongs to the naughty and popular group - the kind of group that I despised the most.
In the end, I deleted him from my friend list along with MANY people like him. I kept only maple and friends who actually know how to RESPOND from time to time. Oh yeah, and some friends from elementary school. xD
Know what's sad and pathetic? When the rest of the world are adding people and making more friends, I am removing people and making less friends.
*Gives a sad smile* Well, AvPD is stuck with me, eh? I just cannot 100% be who I am and do what I truly intended to without making a big misunderstanding. A total klutz who just so happen tripped so many times today. *pouts*
Exam times can even make you realize which friend comes to you only when he/she/they want answers.
I felt that my pretty friend purposely shared books with me even when she had her own notes to read (and a big reference book too at that) just so that I will not do well in the exam.
You see, people are often mistaken, thinking that I am a smart person when in truth, I am just your ordinary (or not so ordinary) dumbo. She probably saw me as a threat and tried to get her marks better than mine.
Silly girl... She doesn't need to go to that extent to do that!
I am NOTHING compared to the rest of the world! Making me any more worse won't even make a difference.
Oh well, that's life for now but I am glad to know there's still 2 BEST FRIENDS whom I can trust and a lovable yet pitiful violin by my side.
Pitiful because my teacher kept saying that Autumn isn't good enough and that it's really about time to upgrade the violin.
Today, this weird thing happened to me:
I was practising my violin when I realized the thinner outer wire of the A string started unraveling! That string wasn't very cheap and now I worry it will affect the playing. Cannot even imagine the extra pain I will feel whenever I shift positions now with that prickly wire unraveling. =( Gotta ask my teacher for advice. I really do not know what to do and I do not want to change the string either. It's just too expensive to change and it's the only good A string I have. T.T
Oh well, that's it for today. Take care and have fun, people! ^^
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