Just one slight word said wrong, I start getting angry.
Why? (I asked myself so many times already!)
If you think this is because I am a teenager, then maybe you're partly wrong because if you look at me as a human, regardless of the age - Oh dang it, I don't even know where is this going.
Like the old times when I suddenly become like this, I isolate myself and you know what? I am going to repeat the same thing. At times, or at MOST times, I heal myself.
Who healed me when I was often depressed back when I was 13 and 14? Myself and some other hobbies. Maybe friends helped too but having AvPD has made me have problem trusting people. I also dare not trust people because... who knows, they might just suddenly leave your life when you needed them most.
Who healed me when people made me mad? Myself and again, hobbies. Sometimes a friend would help but...
Who healed me when THAT friend or a friend whom I am very close to was the one who hurt me? Myself, time and hobbies. Isolation usually helped too because I tend to be insensitive the most at that kind of time.
Simon Cowell said he preferred to be alone when he gets really down or depressed.
I am quite a lot like him too - minus the fame and fortune. xD
Did growing up being an only child make me tackle things alone when I know that I cannot disturb or ask my parents for help?
After all, I made mistakes myself and learned the hard way alone most of the time... I played by myself because I know that it tires and annoys my parents to join in. That's one thing good about me being a teenager now because to them, they can talk about more things related to their age and so on, including problems.
Not saying my parents do not care about me or anything but that was how I dealt with things, especially as I get older and somewhat stupider... Of course my parents helped too. In fact, I think they've done enough to help even though I ask for help time and time again. I don't think I deserve the help and I do not know if I can even do anything back in return in the future.
Yeah, yeah, I am a negative person but I am being realistic too. =/
So... I am going to isolate myself even though I am used to chatting with my closest friends! *winces*
Now that I am like this again and that chatting honestly did not help, I will have no choice but to deal with this alone again. So sorry, to the readers, who are also one of my closest friends.
Truth finally told:
I isolate myself when things get really bad.
There's nothing anyone can really do because this is another battle with myself. I agree with you if you think I am absolutely lunatic and that I need professional help! Funny thing is, they say crazy people do not even know they are crazy!
I admit violin is not the way of calming myself because I care too much about perfection but I do not want to give it up and regret like how I regret quitting piano. I admit I have thought of quitting violin before because of the expensive fees and some other problems. There, I said it!
I also admit that my closest friends hurt and offend me too but again, isolation helps. (Thank goodness for the one week of holiday so that I can use that time to revise and compose myself again! *wipes sweat*)
So close to crying...
Let this be another night to cry myself to sleep then!
I am mentally messed up! I am not a nice person and I do not deserve anything good even though I would still like to be treated well.
So readers, I thank you for reading up till here and I apologize for saying disturbing things!
Heck, I am sleeping now. xD (Gonna be reading book before sleeping though. =x)
Take care and have fun! *Gives a wry smile*
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