As usual, I fantasize.
Every time I go for my violin lesson, I pretend I am performing. (In a way, I AM performing because people actually listen from the outside and I cannot afford to play badly either as my teacher is the one who decides whether I have the ability to get to the next grade.)
Now that Autumn shares the same room as me (Yes, she's my new roommate!), I often play for a bit after I just woke up, before a bath or when I just entered my room to do something else. With the full-length mirror in the room, I can get to see whether my hand is doing fine while bowing. I also check the vibrato and shifting. As much as I hate looking in the mirror, I think it's OK as long as I do not see my stupid, hideous face. xD
There's also the usual fantasizing while reading manga or watching an anime. As you all already know, I am the type to read/watch shoujo. Being the hopeless romantic here, I enjoy pretending that I am the girl character. Of course bad things happen to the characters in the story too but most of the time, the bishounen/guy character says the best lines (OK, so maybe some are cheesy but they aren't really that old.).
Lately, the iPod playlists are a big deal. I used to have LOTS of playlists but I realized that I do not play most of them even when I want to listen to some of the songs. Now, I have about 4 or 5 playlists. Of course, having so many songs, there's one playlist that lasts a day (24 hours)! There's also another one that lasts 18 hours. Oh well, that's gonna take quite awhile for me to finish a playlist... xD
There are generally 2 types of playlists for me:
-Anger Management
-Stress Management
I actually named a playlist "Anger Management"! It makes me smile whenever I see it. That playlist consists of rock, pop and soul music (Because they all have something in common).
Stress Management-type of playlists consists of instrumental and classical music. ^^
What I've Been Trying To Do:
1. Come up with a good short story
2. Write more poems
3. Finish that story I was supposed to do with my friend (which reminds me, he hasn't given me back the first book)
Of course all these shall be done AFTER the dreadfully time-consuming exams~ (coz they love to get in my way and they always do)
Alright, suddenly ran out of things to say so bye-bye~
Take care and have fun, you know I say that most of the time. ;P
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Real Life ~ My Heart Pierced
I've never felt this hurt for some time.
It all started with a misunderstanding. My mom, who doesn't pay attention to my violin playing (really, she doesn't even know what grade am I and she doesn't even listen to me whenever I practise), told me in the car that there was one classical song I used to play that was nice.
She doesn't know the title of the song so the moment I practised, I played ALMOST every song ('Almost' because there are just SO MANY songs to go through), hoping she will say, "That's the one!".
I was satisfied even though my new A string just loves to screech for no apparent reason. =/ It was like receiving a blessing from God when my mom said she liked one song.
When I asked her after my violin practice, can you guess what she told me?
She had this amused smile on her face and told me that she was referring to the song I played on the computer whenever I surf the net.
I know this may not mean anything to any of you but it HURTS ME A LOT!
It's like I am THAT bad and insignificant to be heard. I admit that I am not good enough and that it will never be but it doesn't mean I won't try even when I question myself sometimes. =(
Take care and have fun, people! xD
It all started with a misunderstanding. My mom, who doesn't pay attention to my violin playing (really, she doesn't even know what grade am I and she doesn't even listen to me whenever I practise), told me in the car that there was one classical song I used to play that was nice.
She doesn't know the title of the song so the moment I practised, I played ALMOST every song ('Almost' because there are just SO MANY songs to go through), hoping she will say, "That's the one!".
I was satisfied even though my new A string just loves to screech for no apparent reason. =/ It was like receiving a blessing from God when my mom said she liked one song.
When I asked her after my violin practice, can you guess what she told me?
She had this amused smile on her face and told me that she was referring to the song I played on the computer whenever I surf the net.
I know this may not mean anything to any of you but it HURTS ME A LOT!
It's like I am THAT bad and insignificant to be heard. I admit that I am not good enough and that it will never be but it doesn't mean I won't try even when I question myself sometimes. =(
Take care and have fun, people! xD
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Real Life ~ Violin, Violin, Violin
Let's see... I would LOVE to start this post by saying...
Okay, let's cut to the chase. In the last 'Real Life' post, I talked about my violin's A string unraveling. You know what my teacher told me when he saw it?
He said, "Oh, this? You can immediately throw it away."
"WHAT?! But the string is so expensive!" (About 40 dollars or more for that one goddamn string... I'm on budget, you see...)
My teacher then said, "What? Are you crazy? You plan to hurt your fingers? Shifting will be difficult and painful!"
I could only look down and get the new A string out. The new A string is about 3 dollars and 80 cents.
My teacher said to make that temporary... =(
Such a waste, right? You might be surprised to know that he told me that the cheap string matched my violin after all. So now I only have 2 'expensive' strings with 2 cheap strings. What he said can also be taken as an insult because all along, he had been calling my violin "the beginner one" or "the lousy one". He keeps telling me to go upgrade... (Which is what I will be talking about later on! xD)
My teacher taught me how to replace the string this time and well, it ain't bad for my first time!^^ After all, he's there to correct me. =D
The rest of the lesson was not bad even though I had to sorta get used to the new string (which occasionally goes out of tune). He told me once that I have to wait 2 weeks to have the tuning stable.
Fast-forwarding until the moment I reach a music shop in a shopping complex...
My mom surprisingly allowed me to go in and check out the violins there.
I happily tried out 3 violins. Starting with the 1,599 dollars, then 799 dollars and another 1,599 dollars.
The weirdest thing is that the cheaper one will somehow sound louder. My ears literally rung after playing. @.@ Can't say it hurt at all though. :D
Mom thought that the first violin I tested out sounded muffled. It could also be due to my crappy playing. I just didn't play with any 'emotions'. It just didn't feel so right when it ain't Autumn... xD
To be frank, even though my teacher let me play his violin during lessons (not throughout the whole lesson), I still do not have the confidence to judge a violin that's worth buying. (>.<)
My teacher also told me before that it's all depending on our preference in the end, which is what books said as well.
*Shrugs* I gotta admit that I am scared of getting scammed again when it comes to buying musical instruments...
I truly wish that I am wise when it comes to picking out the best music-related stuff! *Sighs*
I also wished that I could play better so that I didn't have to feel so...so... plain!
Maybe La Cora D'oro Primo Passo got something right:
Just love that line because in my case, I play Autumn the best among the rest of the violins. Well, of course there's the chance of me playing better once I get used to other violins. Didn't I say I want to treat all violins as an individual? This will be one of the disadvantages of being like that and... I am still going to keep my word on that! ;P
My mom liked the 800 dollar violin but she wants to think a bit more. She still thinks 10,000 dollar violin is just outrageous. Sigh, till now, she just doesn't understand how serious I am but you know what? I worry that I will suddenly change and become one who doesn't play the violin anymore. Mom wants to save the money for college anyways (which is a good reason for not upgrading).
Can't even imagine how long I will have to take to get 10,000 dollars to get a violin like my teachers and that is NOT including the good bow because my teacher's bow costs 2000 dollars... *Faints* Been thinking of getting a part-time job (some day... somewhere.... somehow...) to get that violin...
Of course I also worry about not having the time in the future... I had this dream of performing at parties for my colleagues (If there's ever any), friends and family. Again, the fear and shivering will start the moment I go out to perform. In fact, I'll start shivering when I wait to have my name called out. This is why I rather perform at any time I want and also to perform quite a few songs so that I can get used to the crowd and atmosphere.
To be able to play like how I did in the store while testing is considered a big achievement already... Last year, I could not play a song and did not even know how to hold a violin nor a bow. A few months back when I tested out in another store, I couldn't play well even though I was about Grade 5 or 6. Back then, I was not used to the 'expensive' strings because I could only play steel strings at that time. xD
Now, I come back to haunt the stores to see I can do any better. Well, not the same as when I usually play but I can definitely tell the difference. =x I kinda know what to look for in a violin...
Oops, sorry, people, I am talking mindlessly! Didn't upgrade but it was a good chance to test out other violins besides my teachers'. xD
Take care and have fun, everyone!^^
I LOVE VIOLIN!
I LOVE VIOLIN!
I LOVE VIOLIN!Read that and multiply it by infinite! (Is that even possible?)
Okay, let's cut to the chase. In the last 'Real Life' post, I talked about my violin's A string unraveling. You know what my teacher told me when he saw it?
He said, "Oh, this? You can immediately throw it away."
"WHAT?! But the string is so expensive!" (About 40 dollars or more for that one goddamn string... I'm on budget, you see...)
My teacher then said, "What? Are you crazy? You plan to hurt your fingers? Shifting will be difficult and painful!"
I could only look down and get the new A string out. The new A string is about 3 dollars and 80 cents.
My teacher said to make that temporary... =(
Such a waste, right? You might be surprised to know that he told me that the cheap string matched my violin after all. So now I only have 2 'expensive' strings with 2 cheap strings. What he said can also be taken as an insult because all along, he had been calling my violin "the beginner one" or "the lousy one". He keeps telling me to go upgrade... (Which is what I will be talking about later on! xD)
My teacher taught me how to replace the string this time and well, it ain't bad for my first time!^^ After all, he's there to correct me. =D
The rest of the lesson was not bad even though I had to sorta get used to the new string (which occasionally goes out of tune). He told me once that I have to wait 2 weeks to have the tuning stable.
Fast-forwarding until the moment I reach a music shop in a shopping complex...
My mom surprisingly allowed me to go in and check out the violins there.
I happily tried out 3 violins. Starting with the 1,599 dollars, then 799 dollars and another 1,599 dollars.
The weirdest thing is that the cheaper one will somehow sound louder. My ears literally rung after playing. @.@ Can't say it hurt at all though. :D
Mom thought that the first violin I tested out sounded muffled. It could also be due to my crappy playing. I just didn't play with any 'emotions'. It just didn't feel so right when it ain't Autumn... xD
To be frank, even though my teacher let me play his violin during lessons (not throughout the whole lesson), I still do not have the confidence to judge a violin that's worth buying. (>.<)
My teacher also told me before that it's all depending on our preference in the end, which is what books said as well.
*Shrugs* I gotta admit that I am scared of getting scammed again when it comes to buying musical instruments...
I truly wish that I am wise when it comes to picking out the best music-related stuff! *Sighs*
I also wished that I could play better so that I didn't have to feel so...so... plain!
Maybe La Cora D'oro Primo Passo got something right:
No one can beat the connection/bond(corda) between the instrument and its owner.
Just love that line because in my case, I play Autumn the best among the rest of the violins. Well, of course there's the chance of me playing better once I get used to other violins. Didn't I say I want to treat all violins as an individual? This will be one of the disadvantages of being like that and... I am still going to keep my word on that! ;P
My mom liked the 800 dollar violin but she wants to think a bit more. She still thinks 10,000 dollar violin is just outrageous. Sigh, till now, she just doesn't understand how serious I am but you know what? I worry that I will suddenly change and become one who doesn't play the violin anymore. Mom wants to save the money for college anyways (which is a good reason for not upgrading).
Can't even imagine how long I will have to take to get 10,000 dollars to get a violin like my teachers and that is NOT including the good bow because my teacher's bow costs 2000 dollars... *Faints* Been thinking of getting a part-time job (some day... somewhere.... somehow...) to get that violin...
Of course I also worry about not having the time in the future... I had this dream of performing at parties for my colleagues (If there's ever any), friends and family. Again, the fear and shivering will start the moment I go out to perform. In fact, I'll start shivering when I wait to have my name called out. This is why I rather perform at any time I want and also to perform quite a few songs so that I can get used to the crowd and atmosphere.
To be able to play like how I did in the store while testing is considered a big achievement already... Last year, I could not play a song and did not even know how to hold a violin nor a bow. A few months back when I tested out in another store, I couldn't play well even though I was about Grade 5 or 6. Back then, I was not used to the 'expensive' strings because I could only play steel strings at that time. xD
Now, I come back to haunt the stores to see I can do any better. Well, not the same as when I usually play but I can definitely tell the difference. =x I kinda know what to look for in a violin...
Oops, sorry, people, I am talking mindlessly! Didn't upgrade but it was a good chance to test out other violins besides my teachers'. xD
Take care and have fun, everyone!^^
Friday, October 21, 2011
Requested Essay: My Life-Changing Friend
Before you read it, I want to thank my true life-changing friend. This story is pretty much true except certain parts. =P Hope I do not somehow offend anyone though... (>.<)
School will never be the same now that my best friend has gone. I never thought that a friend could mean so much to me. He gradually changed my life ever since we met one another. We rarely spoke to one another back in the year 2008 when we were classmates.
Arthur was my classmate back then and nothing more. However, I made friends and somehow got to know more about him. He gave me an impression he was a person who only knew how to joke about without taking anything seriously. He was always laughing and smiling. He often said things that made the teachers mad.
I used to always write poems back then. I wrote about everything that happened to me. I wrote about my friends as well. Those poems would be uploaded onto a website meant for us poets to share our works. Back in 2008, I made a huge mistake and ended up heartbroken. My other friend, Tulip, who is a girl, was part of the cause for my heartache that did not heal until months later.
Tulip told Kenneth, the heart-breaker and Arthur, my life-changing friend about me posting poems online. Kenneth, being who he really was, did not really apologize for what he did to me. Surprisingly, Arthur comforted me and told Kenneth off for being so mean.
Kenneth turned out to be my only true friend after all even though he and I were not that close. He amazed me because he just did not seem to be the type of person who would care about others so much. Him having defended me made me realize that he was not only a classmate.
In 2009, I started having problems with friends. Sadly, I do not recall doing anything that chased them away. Once again, I started writing poems about them leaving me. They read the poems online and eventually no longer talked to me. Arthur misunderstood me and told me hateful things. That was one of the hardest thing to overcome in my whole life. I cried day after day until he apologized.
All the while I had been crying and even after his apology, I kept on thinking back, trying to change who I was back then. I realized that no one liked me being sensitive, emotional and morbid. To be honest, I tried to commit suicide ever since the heartbreak.
Arthur's words may have struck a nerve and truly hurt my feelings but what he said was most probably true. I was being selfish and I never thought of asking my old friends the reason for abruptly avoiding me.
It was only in the year 2009 when Arthur and I became close friends. We would always have something to talk about. We even talked online. We were practically inseparable. We comforted one another, helped one another and watched each other's back.
We helped each other with our studies. This year, 2011, I found out that I have a personality disorder known as Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). People did not know so they continued being unconsciously harsh to me. He still stayed by my side even after knowing about the disorder.
One day, he had to leave to study overseas and may not be coming back. He became so incredibly busy over there that he no longer got in touch with me. He also stopped staying in touch with our other friends. I have always thought of how life would be like without him. Well, I admit now that I did not mean it when I thought about that.
As much as I want him back here physically by my side, he will most likely never come back. I was depressed for the first few weeks of his absence but when I finally had the courage to think of what he brought to my life, I decided to thank fate for bringing us together back in the year 2008.
I want to thank him for defending me when I could not fight back. He was there to nag when I gave up studying after failing a test. He patiently listened to my complaints and sob stories. He was there to make me smile ear to ear and laugh the loudest. He is the best friend anyone would ask for.
Thinking back now, he changed my view of life and changed me. I am now a much more cheerful person. I understand people better and have made more true friends. All these were precious gifts from him to me. I hope he has a better life overseas and wherever he goes because he deserves it all. Thank you, my life-changing friend.
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My own comment: Okay, so this essay could have been better. Less history-like and more..."impact" for the readers. Who knows, I just might rewrite in the future - just with a different theme and title. ;P
Continuous Writing: Write a story which begins with the following: School will never be the same now that my best friend has gone.
School will never be the same now that my best friend has gone. I never thought that a friend could mean so much to me. He gradually changed my life ever since we met one another. We rarely spoke to one another back in the year 2008 when we were classmates.
Arthur was my classmate back then and nothing more. However, I made friends and somehow got to know more about him. He gave me an impression he was a person who only knew how to joke about without taking anything seriously. He was always laughing and smiling. He often said things that made the teachers mad.
I used to always write poems back then. I wrote about everything that happened to me. I wrote about my friends as well. Those poems would be uploaded onto a website meant for us poets to share our works. Back in 2008, I made a huge mistake and ended up heartbroken. My other friend, Tulip, who is a girl, was part of the cause for my heartache that did not heal until months later.
Tulip told Kenneth, the heart-breaker and Arthur, my life-changing friend about me posting poems online. Kenneth, being who he really was, did not really apologize for what he did to me. Surprisingly, Arthur comforted me and told Kenneth off for being so mean.
Kenneth turned out to be my only true friend after all even though he and I were not that close. He amazed me because he just did not seem to be the type of person who would care about others so much. Him having defended me made me realize that he was not only a classmate.
In 2009, I started having problems with friends. Sadly, I do not recall doing anything that chased them away. Once again, I started writing poems about them leaving me. They read the poems online and eventually no longer talked to me. Arthur misunderstood me and told me hateful things. That was one of the hardest thing to overcome in my whole life. I cried day after day until he apologized.
All the while I had been crying and even after his apology, I kept on thinking back, trying to change who I was back then. I realized that no one liked me being sensitive, emotional and morbid. To be honest, I tried to commit suicide ever since the heartbreak.
Arthur's words may have struck a nerve and truly hurt my feelings but what he said was most probably true. I was being selfish and I never thought of asking my old friends the reason for abruptly avoiding me.
It was only in the year 2009 when Arthur and I became close friends. We would always have something to talk about. We even talked online. We were practically inseparable. We comforted one another, helped one another and watched each other's back.
We helped each other with our studies. This year, 2011, I found out that I have a personality disorder known as Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). People did not know so they continued being unconsciously harsh to me. He still stayed by my side even after knowing about the disorder.
One day, he had to leave to study overseas and may not be coming back. He became so incredibly busy over there that he no longer got in touch with me. He also stopped staying in touch with our other friends. I have always thought of how life would be like without him. Well, I admit now that I did not mean it when I thought about that.
As much as I want him back here physically by my side, he will most likely never come back. I was depressed for the first few weeks of his absence but when I finally had the courage to think of what he brought to my life, I decided to thank fate for bringing us together back in the year 2008.
I want to thank him for defending me when I could not fight back. He was there to nag when I gave up studying after failing a test. He patiently listened to my complaints and sob stories. He was there to make me smile ear to ear and laugh the loudest. He is the best friend anyone would ask for.
Thinking back now, he changed my view of life and changed me. I am now a much more cheerful person. I understand people better and have made more true friends. All these were precious gifts from him to me. I hope he has a better life overseas and wherever he goes because he deserves it all. Thank you, my life-changing friend.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My own comment: Okay, so this essay could have been better. Less history-like and more..."impact" for the readers. Who knows, I just might rewrite in the future - just with a different theme and title. ;P
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Real Life ~ Friend or Foe
Who knew I'd actually be needing to ask myself this one day? (Well, apart from other times when I questioned myself but this time, the question is somehow haunting me and making me wonder a lot)
Friend or Foe? (Reminds me of a song of TATU's!)
When exam comes, this is by far one of the best times for me to know the true colours of people. You see, my pretty friend, whom surprised me by being extremely nice and pretty at the same time (after all, usually pretty girls like her aren't nice on the inside), is very desperate when exams start.
I can easily see it on her face. Those burning eyes, practically shouting, asking for answers! (Reminds me of the poem "He Had Such Quiet Eyes" by Bibsy Soenharjo) Here's a confession (Another confession! xD), she asked me for answers during exam. She isn't the only one too. =/ And, nothing to be shocked about, I was dumb enough to give the answers even though I wasn't sure they're even correct at all. I admit I NEVER liked giving answers.
Even when we had to write an essay ( English & BM), she asked. This time, she did not get to ask because I successfully pretended to be asleep (and end up feeling kinda sleepy in the end. Lol.) and our class teacher made us all sit differently. To my relief, I am away from her. Sadly, there is still one who asked like, for every paper except essays. xD
Today, I finally have the courage to say, "No!" to that girl. Fortunately, she did not try to wake me up or get my attention for answers. *wipes sweat*
As I was saying, this pretty friend does not seem to know that I, like many others during this time of the year, am busy studying the whole day. It is OK to call and ask me if it's in the day or latest by evening but it is NOT OK to call me at night and so close to my bedtime. I was freaking out and so close to breaking down when she suddenly called, making me have no choice but to answer. (Yes, I ain't a nice person.)
It was History and I suck at that subject and absolutely am NOT prepared for it whatsoever. I had tips to give her but I had so little time left that even I myself was desperate (but not desperate enough to ask for answers during exam).
Thanks to that, I could not sleep well and for the whole time of the next day, which was the day of History exam, I felt guilty and bad. I kept scolding myself for being such a mean and useless friend. Also, for being an unreliable friend.
I understand that History is not a very easy subject for everyone of us and she agrees with me on that too. Or course she would want tips. =(
This really effed-up moment came the moment she approached me (like most times before exam starts) to study with me (but usually end up sharing book with me, which is slowing me down). She herself had tips. Her tips were even more detailed than mine. Things started having more "What-the-eff moments" when she was curiously watching my reaction when she showed me the tips.
Knowing that she asked for tips the night before as if she did not know anything, she still had the nerve to show me those tips! She asked me this, "Now that you know what's coming out, you... don't even want to rush to study those topics immediately?" Can you believe it? So, in the end, I didn't feel so bad after all. I felt stupid for feeling so bad instead. -.-
Sure, I still feel bad and all... I've been thinking that maybe my best friend was right after all when he said that she was just using me.
Sigh, I am tired of convincing myself that she isn't a person whom I thought her to be. Like from the book "Who's That Girl?" by Alexandra Potter, I've been like the main character, convincing myself that the person was perfect. The only difference between the main character and I is that she was referring to her boyfriend (who proposed to her). On the other hand, I was referring to me pretty friend.
Again, like in the book "Be Careful What You Wish For" by Alexandra Potter, she made a point when the main character in the book asked, "Why is it that the good-looking guy gets all the girls and not the nice friend of his?" Something like that. Sorry, cannot remember well. =( Whatever it is, just change the question to: "Why is it that the pretty friend gets all the attention and popularity and not the friend of hers?"
It's ALWAYS like that to me! It's always: "Me, the other friend of hers.", "Me, the quiet friend of hers.", or "Oh, me, who hangs out with the pretty one."
I am beginning to think that I will forever remain like that.
For the English exam, I loved the question that asked whether beauty was necessary to lead a successful life. Of course we're all meant to answer, "No" but back in many people's mind (in fact, you do not even have to go way back), I know that people these days judge by the way others look. So now, I have come to the conclusion that if you can accurately judge people by the way they look, then by all means do so even though most of us would love a chance to change any negative impression we give.
Another thing, before I forget, I have once again filtered my friend list on facebook and you know what? I realized that I never needed those people.
Just not long ago, this friend of mine said he wanted to have a drum set to beat out all his emotions. I remember he said that he wanted to play cello and after he finally got it, he never spoke of it anymore. It was as if he quit learning! So I decided to be sociable once and for all and asked him, "What about cello?" I was worried that it might have been a sensitive subject to him but what the heck, maybe I was thinkin' too much.
Guess what did he do? He REMOVED that comment of mine.
For some time, I felt bad and told myself, "Way to go, girl. Now you've gone and made his feelings worse!"
When I went to his page, he mentioned something about a broken heart. I wondered if he purposely said that to get his ex-girlfriend to see his status.
When I told one of my family members about this case, she told me that he only wanted to talk to people who are in his group. He belongs to the naughty and popular group - the kind of group that I despised the most.
In the end, I deleted him from my friend list along with MANY people like him. I kept only maple and friends who actually know how to RESPOND from time to time. Oh yeah, and some friends from elementary school. xD
Know what's sad and pathetic? When the rest of the world are adding people and making more friends, I am removing people and making less friends.
*Gives a sad smile* Well, AvPD is stuck with me, eh? I just cannot 100% be who I am and do what I truly intended to without making a big misunderstanding. A total klutz who just so happen tripped so many times today. *pouts*
Exam times can even make you realize which friend comes to you only when he/she/they want answers.
I felt that my pretty friend purposely shared books with me even when she had her own notes to read (and a big reference book too at that) just so that I will not do well in the exam.
You see, people are often mistaken, thinking that I am a smart person when in truth, I am just your ordinary (or not so ordinary) dumbo. She probably saw me as a threat and tried to get her marks better than mine.
Silly girl... She doesn't need to go to that extent to do that!
I am NOTHING compared to the rest of the world! Making me any more worse won't even make a difference.
Oh well, that's life for now but I am glad to know there's still 2 BEST FRIENDS whom I can trust and a lovable yet pitiful violin by my side.
Pitiful because my teacher kept saying that Autumn isn't good enough and that it's really about time to upgrade the violin.
Today, this weird thing happened to me:
I was practising my violin when I realized the thinner outer wire of the A string started unraveling! That string wasn't very cheap and now I worry it will affect the playing. Cannot even imagine the extra pain I will feel whenever I shift positions now with that prickly wire unraveling. =( Gotta ask my teacher for advice. I really do not know what to do and I do not want to change the string either. It's just too expensive to change and it's the only good A string I have. T.T
Oh well, that's it for today. Take care and have fun, people! ^^
Friend or Foe? (Reminds me of a song of TATU's!)
When exam comes, this is by far one of the best times for me to know the true colours of people. You see, my pretty friend, whom surprised me by being extremely nice and pretty at the same time (after all, usually pretty girls like her aren't nice on the inside), is very desperate when exams start.
I can easily see it on her face. Those burning eyes, practically shouting, asking for answers! (Reminds me of the poem "He Had Such Quiet Eyes" by Bibsy Soenharjo) Here's a confession (Another confession! xD), she asked me for answers during exam. She isn't the only one too. =/ And, nothing to be shocked about, I was dumb enough to give the answers even though I wasn't sure they're even correct at all. I admit I NEVER liked giving answers.
Even when we had to write an essay ( English & BM), she asked. This time, she did not get to ask because I successfully pretended to be asleep (and end up feeling kinda sleepy in the end. Lol.) and our class teacher made us all sit differently. To my relief, I am away from her. Sadly, there is still one who asked like, for every paper except essays. xD
Today, I finally have the courage to say, "No!" to that girl. Fortunately, she did not try to wake me up or get my attention for answers. *wipes sweat*
As I was saying, this pretty friend does not seem to know that I, like many others during this time of the year, am busy studying the whole day. It is OK to call and ask me if it's in the day or latest by evening but it is NOT OK to call me at night and so close to my bedtime. I was freaking out and so close to breaking down when she suddenly called, making me have no choice but to answer. (Yes, I ain't a nice person.)
It was History and I suck at that subject and absolutely am NOT prepared for it whatsoever. I had tips to give her but I had so little time left that even I myself was desperate (but not desperate enough to ask for answers during exam).
Thanks to that, I could not sleep well and for the whole time of the next day, which was the day of History exam, I felt guilty and bad. I kept scolding myself for being such a mean and useless friend. Also, for being an unreliable friend.
I understand that History is not a very easy subject for everyone of us and she agrees with me on that too. Or course she would want tips. =(
This really effed-up moment came the moment she approached me (like most times before exam starts) to study with me (but usually end up sharing book with me, which is slowing me down). She herself had tips. Her tips were even more detailed than mine. Things started having more "What-the-eff moments" when she was curiously watching my reaction when she showed me the tips.
Knowing that she asked for tips the night before as if she did not know anything, she still had the nerve to show me those tips! She asked me this, "Now that you know what's coming out, you... don't even want to rush to study those topics immediately?" Can you believe it? So, in the end, I didn't feel so bad after all. I felt stupid for feeling so bad instead. -.-
Sure, I still feel bad and all... I've been thinking that maybe my best friend was right after all when he said that she was just using me.
Sigh, I am tired of convincing myself that she isn't a person whom I thought her to be. Like from the book "Who's That Girl?" by Alexandra Potter, I've been like the main character, convincing myself that the person was perfect. The only difference between the main character and I is that she was referring to her boyfriend (who proposed to her). On the other hand, I was referring to me pretty friend.
Again, like in the book "Be Careful What You Wish For" by Alexandra Potter, she made a point when the main character in the book asked, "Why is it that the good-looking guy gets all the girls and not the nice friend of his?" Something like that. Sorry, cannot remember well. =( Whatever it is, just change the question to: "Why is it that the pretty friend gets all the attention and popularity and not the friend of hers?"
It's ALWAYS like that to me! It's always: "Me, the other friend of hers.", "Me, the quiet friend of hers.", or "Oh, me, who hangs out with the pretty one."
I am beginning to think that I will forever remain like that.
For the English exam, I loved the question that asked whether beauty was necessary to lead a successful life. Of course we're all meant to answer, "No" but back in many people's mind (in fact, you do not even have to go way back), I know that people these days judge by the way others look. So now, I have come to the conclusion that if you can accurately judge people by the way they look, then by all means do so even though most of us would love a chance to change any negative impression we give.
Another thing, before I forget, I have once again filtered my friend list on facebook and you know what? I realized that I never needed those people.
Just not long ago, this friend of mine said he wanted to have a drum set to beat out all his emotions. I remember he said that he wanted to play cello and after he finally got it, he never spoke of it anymore. It was as if he quit learning! So I decided to be sociable once and for all and asked him, "What about cello?" I was worried that it might have been a sensitive subject to him but what the heck, maybe I was thinkin' too much.
Guess what did he do? He REMOVED that comment of mine.
For some time, I felt bad and told myself, "Way to go, girl. Now you've gone and made his feelings worse!"
When I went to his page, he mentioned something about a broken heart. I wondered if he purposely said that to get his ex-girlfriend to see his status.
When I told one of my family members about this case, she told me that he only wanted to talk to people who are in his group. He belongs to the naughty and popular group - the kind of group that I despised the most.
In the end, I deleted him from my friend list along with MANY people like him. I kept only maple and friends who actually know how to RESPOND from time to time. Oh yeah, and some friends from elementary school. xD
Know what's sad and pathetic? When the rest of the world are adding people and making more friends, I am removing people and making less friends.
*Gives a sad smile* Well, AvPD is stuck with me, eh? I just cannot 100% be who I am and do what I truly intended to without making a big misunderstanding. A total klutz who just so happen tripped so many times today. *pouts*
Exam times can even make you realize which friend comes to you only when he/she/they want answers.
I felt that my pretty friend purposely shared books with me even when she had her own notes to read (and a big reference book too at that) just so that I will not do well in the exam.
You see, people are often mistaken, thinking that I am a smart person when in truth, I am just your ordinary (or not so ordinary) dumbo. She probably saw me as a threat and tried to get her marks better than mine.
Silly girl... She doesn't need to go to that extent to do that!
I am NOTHING compared to the rest of the world! Making me any more worse won't even make a difference.
Oh well, that's life for now but I am glad to know there's still 2 BEST FRIENDS whom I can trust and a lovable yet pitiful violin by my side.
Pitiful because my teacher kept saying that Autumn isn't good enough and that it's really about time to upgrade the violin.
Today, this weird thing happened to me:
I was practising my violin when I realized the thinner outer wire of the A string started unraveling! That string wasn't very cheap and now I worry it will affect the playing. Cannot even imagine the extra pain I will feel whenever I shift positions now with that prickly wire unraveling. =( Gotta ask my teacher for advice. I really do not know what to do and I do not want to change the string either. It's just too expensive to change and it's the only good A string I have. T.T
Oh well, that's it for today. Take care and have fun, people! ^^
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Real Life ~ Unforgettable Animes & Mangas
There is one thing I also want to admit:
Alright, I am going to warn any of you readers first that I am mainly into shoujo/shojo anime and mangas. *folds arms* There you go, say whatever you want because I cannot help being attracted to romantic plots than gory or those filled with action. After all, I am still a girl despite some tomboyish traits. (>.>)
I remember Tokyo Mew Mew. It was one of the first animes I have ever watched. Know what's funny? I actually felt shy whenever it comes to lovey-dovey or romantic scenes. For example, hugging, kissing, hand-holding, blushing, confessing. Anything like that. Obviously doing the 'ahem' is also included in those lil romantic scenes. *rolls eyes*
So what got me interested in the anime? Actually, I do not really have any idea. OK, fine, the romance is not all that bad. The bishounens (Oh my gosh, the bishounens!) are as usual, looking bishy. I love how almost all characters have their own 'partners' (nudge, nudge) to be with. If I have not mistaken, I think there is still a love triangle in this anime. *shrugs* It's been years since I last watched. I have tried watching it all over again but I cannot tolerate all the buffering and loading. Plus, the DVD stores just don't sell that anime. =(
Next, Alice Academy / Gakuen Alice is a sweet anime I've watched right after Tokyo Mew Mew. Like most fans, I immediately love the coupling of Natsume Hyuuga with Mikan Sakura!^^
This anime is different from the manga. Sad that the anime ended and that there doesn't seem to be any second season, I turned towards the manga. I read the manga from where I last stopped. I was so stupid in the past that I did not realize the manga will update eventually. So, having told you that, I stopped reading. Years after, I went back to watching animes and reading mangas. I realized that mangas will be updated so I decided to read right form the start for this title. =D
Next up, Chibi Vampire / Karin is not to be left out in my list of favorite and unforgettable animes/mangas!
I LOVE the coupling of Usui Kenta and Maaka Karin! To tell the truth, they are my ideal couple. Er, to be exact, I just think couples should be like them. They are both thoughtful and considerate. Even though Usui may not be good for Karin's health (as said in the manga), Usui still went against what her family told him to do because he just loves her. I know that may not be very thoughtful or considerate of him but you know what? Even I will want to go ahead and be with the one I love. ;) After all, I am a hopeless romantic (sad to say...). I say that they are thoughtful and considerate because Usui offers Karin his neck to bite whenever she cannot endure it anymore. In return, Karin thinks about Usui's happiness and prepares lunch boxes for him. They are like one of the sweetest couple ever!
Parfait Tic, one of the most frustrating mangas ever is definitely in my list!
I still cannot get over the frustration even though I have already forgotten a lot. I cannot remember the names and all but I plan to read that manga all over again after I finish Chibi Vampire (again). This manga made me kick up a fuss whenever I see events after events go by in the volumes. One word to describe the main character (who's a girl) : Indecisive!
Talking about indecisive, Shinshi Doumei Cross is also another frustrating and unpredictable manga.
I just love the drawing. Sweet love and heart-wrenching twists of plot. Enough said. Well, close enough. The ending sorta surprised me but I guess I would have trouble choosing between the 2 guys too. ;P
Vampire Knight~ Yes, I know this anime and manga is in many people's list.
It was so unpredictable (Yeah, there were a few twists that got me there!) left me depressed for the characters for a long time, to the extent that I no longer read the manga. I am just waiting for the 3rd season if there are any at all... =( Maybe I should read the manga after all! (>.<) By the way, I still support Zero and Yuuki! *pouts*
How can I ever forget D.Gray Man?
I watched this as an anime and am still waiting for the 3rd season! ;P This one is definitely shounen but with a bit of shoujo in it. You know what kept me watching? The bishounen. YES, THE BISHIES! And, in case you do not know, I am a crazy person after bishies. ;) For a start, Allen Walker, Yuu/Yu Kanda, Lavi and so on (because I cannot remember names that well). Even Lenalee (I hope I got her name right!) is lookin' pretty. =)
Beauty Pop is a manga that I cannot forget~ Well, I only forgotten the names of characters and title. Took me awhile to get the title down! =o
Nice bit of romance and it got me interested in hairstyling. xD
OK, I cannot hold it in anymore. I am going to just mention Darker Than Black and its second season, Ryuusei no Gemini. I have been trying not to think about it just yet but there we go! xD
I am absolutely obsessed with it now and I am dying to watch the 3rd season! (Plus a billion more exclamation marks!) As you can see, this bishy-crazed freak there is truly, madly, totally, MADLY (Oops, I already mentioned it but oh well! ;D) in LOVE with Hei!
I have a condition when it comes to liking a bishy character: Love only the good people.
So Hei usually comes off as a cruel person who has lost his emotions but he showed good traits too and I guess I have liked him way before I even watched the anime! =x
Naruto is an anime I will always love...
I know many people hate Naruto himself but I liked him a lot. I like him being with Hinata...
Fairy Tail, another awesome anime~
I like almost all characters and even though I haven't been watching this anime (including Naruto), I cannot really pair up any of the characters... Lucy with Loki? Or Lucy with Gray? Or Lucy with Natsu? Erza with... er... I forgotten his name (Oh no!)... Whatever~
Damn, I am slowly forgetting the animes/mangas I loved!
Ouran High School Host Club! Wonderfully funny and the anime has a sweet ending. I did not read it as a manga though.
Yankee-kun to Megane-chan, Oresama Teacher, Otomen, Nononono, Elfen Lied, Akuma to Love Song (The Devil and her Love Song), Faster Than a Kiss, Kuroshitsuji (The Black Butler), Barajou no Kiss, Arakawa Under The Bridge and many more are my favorites!
Kaichou wa Maid Sama! will be another of my favorite too. =) Love that Usui Takumi. xD Misaki is a girl whom I want to be!
I know I left out a lot of titles (mainly because I have forgotten them... ).
Till then, one day I will publish another post like this! ^^
Take care and have fun! =D
No one really checks out anything I recommend and yet I still continue recommending!So, naturally, that means no one is really going to read this post BUT my stubborn and peculiar nature made me continue publishing this post. Ain't that just so funny?
Alright, I am going to warn any of you readers first that I am mainly into shoujo/shojo anime and mangas. *folds arms* There you go, say whatever you want because I cannot help being attracted to romantic plots than gory or those filled with action. After all, I am still a girl despite some tomboyish traits. (>.>)
I remember Tokyo Mew Mew. It was one of the first animes I have ever watched. Know what's funny? I actually felt shy whenever it comes to lovey-dovey or romantic scenes. For example, hugging, kissing, hand-holding, blushing, confessing. Anything like that. Obviously doing the 'ahem' is also included in those lil romantic scenes. *rolls eyes*
So what got me interested in the anime? Actually, I do not really have any idea. OK, fine, the romance is not all that bad. The bishounens (Oh my gosh, the bishounens!) are as usual, looking bishy. I love how almost all characters have their own 'partners' (nudge, nudge) to be with. If I have not mistaken, I think there is still a love triangle in this anime. *shrugs* It's been years since I last watched. I have tried watching it all over again but I cannot tolerate all the buffering and loading. Plus, the DVD stores just don't sell that anime. =(
Next, Alice Academy / Gakuen Alice is a sweet anime I've watched right after Tokyo Mew Mew. Like most fans, I immediately love the coupling of Natsume Hyuuga with Mikan Sakura!^^
This anime is different from the manga. Sad that the anime ended and that there doesn't seem to be any second season, I turned towards the manga. I read the manga from where I last stopped. I was so stupid in the past that I did not realize the manga will update eventually. So, having told you that, I stopped reading. Years after, I went back to watching animes and reading mangas. I realized that mangas will be updated so I decided to read right form the start for this title. =D
Next up, Chibi Vampire / Karin is not to be left out in my list of favorite and unforgettable animes/mangas!
I LOVE the coupling of Usui Kenta and Maaka Karin! To tell the truth, they are my ideal couple. Er, to be exact, I just think couples should be like them. They are both thoughtful and considerate. Even though Usui may not be good for Karin's health (as said in the manga), Usui still went against what her family told him to do because he just loves her. I know that may not be very thoughtful or considerate of him but you know what? Even I will want to go ahead and be with the one I love. ;) After all, I am a hopeless romantic (sad to say...). I say that they are thoughtful and considerate because Usui offers Karin his neck to bite whenever she cannot endure it anymore. In return, Karin thinks about Usui's happiness and prepares lunch boxes for him. They are like one of the sweetest couple ever!
Parfait Tic, one of the most frustrating mangas ever is definitely in my list!
I still cannot get over the frustration even though I have already forgotten a lot. I cannot remember the names and all but I plan to read that manga all over again after I finish Chibi Vampire (again). This manga made me kick up a fuss whenever I see events after events go by in the volumes. One word to describe the main character (who's a girl) : Indecisive!
Talking about indecisive, Shinshi Doumei Cross is also another frustrating and unpredictable manga.
I just love the drawing. Sweet love and heart-wrenching twists of plot. Enough said. Well, close enough. The ending sorta surprised me but I guess I would have trouble choosing between the 2 guys too. ;P
Vampire Knight~ Yes, I know this anime and manga is in many people's list.
It was so unpredictable (Yeah, there were a few twists that got me there!) left me depressed for the characters for a long time, to the extent that I no longer read the manga. I am just waiting for the 3rd season if there are any at all... =( Maybe I should read the manga after all! (>.<) By the way, I still support Zero and Yuuki! *pouts*
How can I ever forget D.Gray Man?
I watched this as an anime and am still waiting for the 3rd season! ;P This one is definitely shounen but with a bit of shoujo in it. You know what kept me watching? The bishounen. YES, THE BISHIES! And, in case you do not know, I am a crazy person after bishies. ;) For a start, Allen Walker, Yuu/Yu Kanda, Lavi and so on (because I cannot remember names that well). Even Lenalee (I hope I got her name right!) is lookin' pretty. =)
Beauty Pop is a manga that I cannot forget~ Well, I only forgotten the names of characters and title. Took me awhile to get the title down! =o
Nice bit of romance and it got me interested in hairstyling. xD
OK, I cannot hold it in anymore. I am going to just mention Darker Than Black and its second season, Ryuusei no Gemini. I have been trying not to think about it just yet but there we go! xD
I am absolutely obsessed with it now and I am dying to watch the 3rd season! (Plus a billion more exclamation marks!) As you can see, this bishy-crazed freak there is truly, madly, totally, MADLY (Oops, I already mentioned it but oh well! ;D) in LOVE with Hei!
I have a condition when it comes to liking a bishy character: Love only the good people.
So Hei usually comes off as a cruel person who has lost his emotions but he showed good traits too and I guess I have liked him way before I even watched the anime! =x
Naruto is an anime I will always love...
I know many people hate Naruto himself but I liked him a lot. I like him being with Hinata...
Fairy Tail, another awesome anime~
I like almost all characters and even though I haven't been watching this anime (including Naruto), I cannot really pair up any of the characters... Lucy with Loki? Or Lucy with Gray? Or Lucy with Natsu? Erza with... er... I forgotten his name (Oh no!)... Whatever~
Damn, I am slowly forgetting the animes/mangas I loved!
Ouran High School Host Club! Wonderfully funny and the anime has a sweet ending. I did not read it as a manga though.
Yankee-kun to Megane-chan, Oresama Teacher, Otomen, Nononono, Elfen Lied, Akuma to Love Song (The Devil and her Love Song), Faster Than a Kiss, Kuroshitsuji (The Black Butler), Barajou no Kiss, Arakawa Under The Bridge and many more are my favorites!
Kaichou wa Maid Sama! will be another of my favorite too. =) Love that Usui Takumi. xD Misaki is a girl whom I want to be!
I know I left out a lot of titles (mainly because I have forgotten them... ).
Till then, one day I will publish another post like this! ^^
Take care and have fun! =D
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Real Life ~ Love This Morning
Let's see, I woke up and continued reading my book without trying to fall asleep again because it was already 10AM or so.
Then, I felt MUCH better but immediately realized the crazy things I've said, which revealed the incredibly messed up mind I have. @.@
Gomenasai, readers.
Last night, fortunately, I did not cry myself to sleep because a good book successfully distracted me even though I could still remember those problems.
So, if it makes any of you feel better, I want you all to know that guilt has been stabbing me since last night right up until this moment itself.
Whatever it is, that book was "Who's That Girl?" by Alexandra Potter. I forgotten to mention that Alexandra Potter is also another amazing writer!^^ I wanted to buy another book written by her but the price has not gone down. =/
"Who's That Girl?" reminds me of the song sang by Hilary Duff. =D
I have not listened to that song for a long time so now that I am listening to it, I can kinda relate to it. =P
Gonna go watch the second season of Darker Than Black: Ryuusei no Gemini again~
Yesterday I finished the first season so now that I will be watching the first episode of Season 2, it means I won't be able to really see Hei. Oh well, I can always remember how he looks like because his looks stay in my mind whether my eyes are closed or not. xD
Yes, besides the psychotic girl, I am the crazy fan of certain bishounen and Hei is my current favorite!
Hehe~
Take care and have fun anyways. Think of PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING OVER RAINBOWS~!
Then, I felt MUCH better but immediately realized the crazy things I've said, which revealed the incredibly messed up mind I have. @.@
Gomenasai, readers.
Last night, fortunately, I did not cry myself to sleep because a good book successfully distracted me even though I could still remember those problems.
So, if it makes any of you feel better, I want you all to know that guilt has been stabbing me since last night right up until this moment itself.
Whatever it is, that book was "Who's That Girl?" by Alexandra Potter. I forgotten to mention that Alexandra Potter is also another amazing writer!^^ I wanted to buy another book written by her but the price has not gone down. =/
"Who's That Girl?" reminds me of the song sang by Hilary Duff. =D
I have not listened to that song for a long time so now that I am listening to it, I can kinda relate to it. =P
Gonna go watch the second season of Darker Than Black: Ryuusei no Gemini again~
Yesterday I finished the first season so now that I will be watching the first episode of Season 2, it means I won't be able to really see Hei. Oh well, I can always remember how he looks like because his looks stay in my mind whether my eyes are closed or not. xD
Yes, besides the psychotic girl, I am the crazy fan of certain bishounen and Hei is my current favorite!
Hehe~
Take care and have fun anyways. Think of PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING OVER RAINBOWS~!
Real Life ~ Another Confession Box
Is it even normal for me to be mad or annoyed so easily? I mean, I know I suck at hiding feelings and all but I still managed to hide them and control them...
Just one slight word said wrong, I start getting angry.
Why? (I asked myself so many times already!)
If you think this is because I am a teenager, then maybe you're partly wrong because if you look at me as a human, regardless of the age - Oh dang it, I don't even know where is this going.
Like the old times when I suddenly become like this, I isolate myself and you know what? I am going to repeat the same thing. At times, or at MOST times, I heal myself.
Who healed me when I was often depressed back when I was 13 and 14? Myself and some other hobbies. Maybe friends helped too but having AvPD has made me have problem trusting people. I also dare not trust people because... who knows, they might just suddenly leave your life when you needed them most.
Who healed me when people made me mad? Myself and again, hobbies. Sometimes a friend would help but...
Who healed me when THAT friend or a friend whom I am very close to was the one who hurt me? Myself, time and hobbies. Isolation usually helped too because I tend to be insensitive the most at that kind of time.
Simon Cowell said he preferred to be alone when he gets really down or depressed.
I am quite a lot like him too - minus the fame and fortune. xD
Did growing up being an only child make me tackle things alone when I know that I cannot disturb or ask my parents for help?
After all, I made mistakes myself and learned the hard way alone most of the time... I played by myself because I know that it tires and annoys my parents to join in. That's one thing good about me being a teenager now because to them, they can talk about more things related to their age and so on, including problems.
Not saying my parents do not care about me or anything but that was how I dealt with things, especially as I get older and somewhat stupider... Of course my parents helped too. In fact, I think they've done enough to help even though I ask for help time and time again. I don't think I deserve the help and I do not know if I can even do anything back in return in the future.
Yeah, yeah, I am a negative person but I am being realistic too. =/
So... I am going to isolate myself even though I am used to chatting with my closest friends! *winces*
Now that I am like this again and that chatting honestly did not help, I will have no choice but to deal with this alone again. So sorry, to the readers, who are also one of my closest friends.
Truth finally told:
There's nothing anyone can really do because this is another battle with myself. I agree with you if you think I am absolutely lunatic and that I need professional help! Funny thing is, they say crazy people do not even know they are crazy!
I admit violin is not the way of calming myself because I care too much about perfection but I do not want to give it up and regret like how I regret quitting piano. I admit I have thought of quitting violin before because of the expensive fees and some other problems. There, I said it!
I also admit that my closest friends hurt and offend me too but again, isolation helps. (Thank goodness for the one week of holiday so that I can use that time to revise and compose myself again! *wipes sweat*)
So close to crying...
Let this be another night to cry myself to sleep then!
I am mentally messed up! I am not a nice person and I do not deserve anything good even though I would still like to be treated well.
So readers, I thank you for reading up till here and I apologize for saying disturbing things!
Heck, I am sleeping now. xD (Gonna be reading book before sleeping though. =x)
Take care and have fun! *Gives a wry smile*
Just one slight word said wrong, I start getting angry.
Why? (I asked myself so many times already!)
If you think this is because I am a teenager, then maybe you're partly wrong because if you look at me as a human, regardless of the age - Oh dang it, I don't even know where is this going.
Like the old times when I suddenly become like this, I isolate myself and you know what? I am going to repeat the same thing. At times, or at MOST times, I heal myself.
Who healed me when I was often depressed back when I was 13 and 14? Myself and some other hobbies. Maybe friends helped too but having AvPD has made me have problem trusting people. I also dare not trust people because... who knows, they might just suddenly leave your life when you needed them most.
Who healed me when people made me mad? Myself and again, hobbies. Sometimes a friend would help but...
Who healed me when THAT friend or a friend whom I am very close to was the one who hurt me? Myself, time and hobbies. Isolation usually helped too because I tend to be insensitive the most at that kind of time.
Simon Cowell said he preferred to be alone when he gets really down or depressed.
I am quite a lot like him too - minus the fame and fortune. xD
Did growing up being an only child make me tackle things alone when I know that I cannot disturb or ask my parents for help?
After all, I made mistakes myself and learned the hard way alone most of the time... I played by myself because I know that it tires and annoys my parents to join in. That's one thing good about me being a teenager now because to them, they can talk about more things related to their age and so on, including problems.
Not saying my parents do not care about me or anything but that was how I dealt with things, especially as I get older and somewhat stupider... Of course my parents helped too. In fact, I think they've done enough to help even though I ask for help time and time again. I don't think I deserve the help and I do not know if I can even do anything back in return in the future.
Yeah, yeah, I am a negative person but I am being realistic too. =/
So... I am going to isolate myself even though I am used to chatting with my closest friends! *winces*
Now that I am like this again and that chatting honestly did not help, I will have no choice but to deal with this alone again. So sorry, to the readers, who are also one of my closest friends.
Truth finally told:
I isolate myself when things get really bad.
There's nothing anyone can really do because this is another battle with myself. I agree with you if you think I am absolutely lunatic and that I need professional help! Funny thing is, they say crazy people do not even know they are crazy!
I admit violin is not the way of calming myself because I care too much about perfection but I do not want to give it up and regret like how I regret quitting piano. I admit I have thought of quitting violin before because of the expensive fees and some other problems. There, I said it!
I also admit that my closest friends hurt and offend me too but again, isolation helps. (Thank goodness for the one week of holiday so that I can use that time to revise and compose myself again! *wipes sweat*)
So close to crying...
Let this be another night to cry myself to sleep then!
I am mentally messed up! I am not a nice person and I do not deserve anything good even though I would still like to be treated well.
So readers, I thank you for reading up till here and I apologize for saying disturbing things!
Heck, I am sleeping now. xD (Gonna be reading book before sleeping though. =x)
Take care and have fun! *Gives a wry smile*
Real Life ~ Lovable Authors
Lately, I bought about 3 books from a book fair.
They are:
1. Kissed By An Angel - Elizabeth Chandler
2. Dark Secrets 1 - Elizabeth Chandler
3. Musicophilia - Oliver Sacks
I started by reading "Kissed By An Angel", thinking it was an ordinary love story - just with angels this time.
Whoa, I got it all wrong about it being ONLY a love story because this book got me paranoid and insecure! I could not stop reading too because I wanted to get over my paranoia real quick and find out the truth.
This amazing book with an amazing plot is a romance-mystery. =D
I usually do not read mystery but this will be my favorite one. This book got me suspecting every character as the murderer except the main character and her mom. xD
As for the 2nd book I read, which is "Dark Secrets 1", again, both stories in the book made me think that all the characters were the murderers except the main character.
Instead of making me paranoid (I am naturally paranoid though), the 2 stories in the book made me worry for the main character's safety.
In short, Elizabeth Chandler, pseudonym for Mary Claire Helldorfer, is a very talented, humorous and imaginative writer. =) I truly respect her and when I read the biography of hers from "Dark Secrets 1".
She shall be one of my idols~ I dream to be a writer like her and... I am desperate to read more of her books! Sadly, I cannot find any in book shops. =(
Maybe I will find more of her works in the future. =D
Another one of my favorite author is Cecelia Ahern. I think I have read almost ALL of her books and including "The Book of Tomorrow", which is the latest book I read that's written by her.
Cecelia Ahern is a humorous writer who's also imaginative. Talented as well, she has written a lot of different types of stories. I never thought that such stories could even exist until I read hers. She really amazes me time and time again! ^^
"Where Rainbows End" by Cecelia Ahern is my all-time favorite but I think "The Book of Tomorrow" is even with it now! "The Gift" by the same author is also a very touching and beautiful story. I hope I got the title right though. (>.<)
The first author who got me reading books after books is and will always be Jacqueline Wilson!
Funny, imaginative, creative and somewhat understanding, she made me start turning to books instead of lazing around wondering what to do and what little games to play alone (seeing as I am the only child).
The first book I read (written by Jacqueline Wilson) was "Double Act". The touching story got me wanting more and more. I kept borrowing more of books written by Jacqueline Wilson. I eventually bought books too. Now, I have a box filled with Jacqueline Wilson's books!
I still love "Love Lesson" and "Kiss". As for "Kiss", I will re-read because I keep wanting things to turn out differently. You see, I love books like that, books that frustrates me.
Same for "Where Rainbows End", it was frustrating even though I am glad the ending turned out well. Because it was so frustrating, I keep on reading it to hope that it will change by itself, knowing that is impossible and even if it did magically change, I will go back to hoping nothing changed. ;P
Jean Ure, another favorite authors back when I was crazy about Jacqueline Wilson. As for this author, I didn't read as many books as the ones written by Jacqueline Wilson but some stories got me worried for the characters. I swear the stories made me learn a lesson.
Speaking of learning lessons, "The Book of Tomorrow" taught me a lot as well. Hmm, I am not going to say what I learnt from the book because:
1. I do not want to be a boring old righteous person who acts innocent.
and
2. No one is going to read this post or this part anyways.
Basically, I admit that no one really cares about this blog and no one enjoys reading everything.
Even so, you will find me continuing posts for now because I am stubborn enough to keep on ranting and talking crap. =P
They are:
1. Kissed By An Angel - Elizabeth Chandler
2. Dark Secrets 1 - Elizabeth Chandler
3. Musicophilia - Oliver Sacks
I started by reading "Kissed By An Angel", thinking it was an ordinary love story - just with angels this time.
Whoa, I got it all wrong about it being ONLY a love story because this book got me paranoid and insecure! I could not stop reading too because I wanted to get over my paranoia real quick and find out the truth.
This amazing book with an amazing plot is a romance-mystery. =D
I usually do not read mystery but this will be my favorite one. This book got me suspecting every character as the murderer except the main character and her mom. xD
As for the 2nd book I read, which is "Dark Secrets 1", again, both stories in the book made me think that all the characters were the murderers except the main character.
Instead of making me paranoid (I am naturally paranoid though), the 2 stories in the book made me worry for the main character's safety.
In short, Elizabeth Chandler, pseudonym for Mary Claire Helldorfer, is a very talented, humorous and imaginative writer. =) I truly respect her and when I read the biography of hers from "Dark Secrets 1".
She shall be one of my idols~ I dream to be a writer like her and... I am desperate to read more of her books! Sadly, I cannot find any in book shops. =(
Maybe I will find more of her works in the future. =D
Another one of my favorite author is Cecelia Ahern. I think I have read almost ALL of her books and including "The Book of Tomorrow", which is the latest book I read that's written by her.
Cecelia Ahern is a humorous writer who's also imaginative. Talented as well, she has written a lot of different types of stories. I never thought that such stories could even exist until I read hers. She really amazes me time and time again! ^^
"Where Rainbows End" by Cecelia Ahern is my all-time favorite but I think "The Book of Tomorrow" is even with it now! "The Gift" by the same author is also a very touching and beautiful story. I hope I got the title right though. (>.<)
The first author who got me reading books after books is and will always be Jacqueline Wilson!
Funny, imaginative, creative and somewhat understanding, she made me start turning to books instead of lazing around wondering what to do and what little games to play alone (seeing as I am the only child).
The first book I read (written by Jacqueline Wilson) was "Double Act". The touching story got me wanting more and more. I kept borrowing more of books written by Jacqueline Wilson. I eventually bought books too. Now, I have a box filled with Jacqueline Wilson's books!
I still love "Love Lesson" and "Kiss". As for "Kiss", I will re-read because I keep wanting things to turn out differently. You see, I love books like that, books that frustrates me.
Same for "Where Rainbows End", it was frustrating even though I am glad the ending turned out well. Because it was so frustrating, I keep on reading it to hope that it will change by itself, knowing that is impossible and even if it did magically change, I will go back to hoping nothing changed. ;P
Jean Ure, another favorite authors back when I was crazy about Jacqueline Wilson. As for this author, I didn't read as many books as the ones written by Jacqueline Wilson but some stories got me worried for the characters. I swear the stories made me learn a lesson.
Speaking of learning lessons, "The Book of Tomorrow" taught me a lot as well. Hmm, I am not going to say what I learnt from the book because:
1. I do not want to be a boring old righteous person who acts innocent.
and
2. No one is going to read this post or this part anyways.
Basically, I admit that no one really cares about this blog and no one enjoys reading everything.
Even so, you will find me continuing posts for now because I am stubborn enough to keep on ranting and talking crap. =P
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Real Life ~ What's This?
Here's a short post on a question that I cannot seem to answer...
Lately, (well, it has been like this from time to time but this is getting much too frequent that this problem is bugging me a whole lot) I have been making myself do more productive things just to feel better. I force myself to write and all everyday... I just keep on doing things even though I am already dead tired or really not in the mood for anymore of them.
Because of that, I suddenly just feel like dropping every goddamn work I have right now and sit back relaxing. What's bugging me more is that now exams are coming and it's just the worst time to feel like this! I am terribly disappointed in myself. Even for those subjects I don't hate, I just cannot bring myself to really absorb anything from reading and writing. I just ran out of mood!
Every time I put down the book or pencil, my mind starts racing and I'll get very agitated. I just keep on thinking of how I will not be useful at all, how I'm slacking and not doing anything productive. Truth is, I've been tired even though I get enough sleep. I don't get WHY do I have to be so sleepy for! I am so desperate now. T..T
Am I developing some new kind of disorder? Isn't Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) bad enough already? I hate it a lot too when my parents do not understand that I literally torture myself just because I feel that I am slacking. I admit I have been obsessed with reading my own books that are not related to school but how else do I get the chance to still enjoy this messed up life?
Even now, I am feeling totally frustrated. Every day seems like a waste to me because I feel that I could have done more things. The more this problem bugs me, the more tired I get and the more I want to give up living.
Whatever it is, I know none of you can really give me an answer but take care and have fun as always! =3
How do I stop being damn angry and frustrated with myself?
Lately, (well, it has been like this from time to time but this is getting much too frequent that this problem is bugging me a whole lot) I have been making myself do more productive things just to feel better. I force myself to write and all everyday... I just keep on doing things even though I am already dead tired or really not in the mood for anymore of them.
Because of that, I suddenly just feel like dropping every goddamn work I have right now and sit back relaxing. What's bugging me more is that now exams are coming and it's just the worst time to feel like this! I am terribly disappointed in myself. Even for those subjects I don't hate, I just cannot bring myself to really absorb anything from reading and writing. I just ran out of mood!
Every time I put down the book or pencil, my mind starts racing and I'll get very agitated. I just keep on thinking of how I will not be useful at all, how I'm slacking and not doing anything productive. Truth is, I've been tired even though I get enough sleep. I don't get WHY do I have to be so sleepy for! I am so desperate now. T..T
Am I developing some new kind of disorder? Isn't Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) bad enough already? I hate it a lot too when my parents do not understand that I literally torture myself just because I feel that I am slacking. I admit I have been obsessed with reading my own books that are not related to school but how else do I get the chance to still enjoy this messed up life?
Even now, I am feeling totally frustrated. Every day seems like a waste to me because I feel that I could have done more things. The more this problem bugs me, the more tired I get and the more I want to give up living.
Whatever it is, I know none of you can really give me an answer but take care and have fun as always! =3
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