Real Life ~ Now I Know Why

I bet that in the future, I will be able to write this kind of post again. xD 

Well, realistically, that is IF the world didn't end or IF I survived until the next time these kind of things come by again. 

Optimistically, I would repeat what my first sentence of the first paragraph said. ;) 

Whatever it is, this kind of thing will not stop until my life ends. xD Continuing, NOW I know why people have problem voicing out their emotions. 

Lately, I have problem voicing out my exact thoughts and emotions. Fine, so I ALREADY have problems voicing out my opinions in people's faces but this is a totally different story. Sorry but I am not revealing anything private today. =P 

For example, my friend, who's usually cheerful and happy-go-lucky suddenly gets moody and extremely upset one day, I have lots to say YET I cannot voice them out (Well, not ALL) for fear of ruining our friendship. I badly want to give my friend a hug BUT I worry the friend will not take it well and instead, hate me in return. Then again, knowing the kind of luck I have, I will most likely have a brain jam at that time and have absolutely nothing to say in return to cheer my friend up. 

I first saw this kind of thing happening in stories, mangas, animes and maybe even movies. Back then, scratched my head, wondering so many times why can't the person just say it out to clear things up or act it out once and for all. Now that I've been through that and in fact, am GOING through that, this is where this particular post comes in to save the world! 

Know what? I am dying to tell you what's exactly on my mind right now but I cannot bring myself to spit the truth out. Bloody problem now is that I've already been holding back for uncountable times. Does anyone here know what should I do? I have been told last month to wait for the right moment to let it all out and stop holding back. It's terribly hard and it's actually hurting me a lot. 

It pains me whenever I bite my own tongue before saying anything out loud. After all, spoken words (and probably typed/written words) CANNOT be taken back. I used to refuse to believe that they cannot be taken back but after having gone through those other "Now I know why" moments, my initial thoughts were proven wrong. I learned that when a person says something hurtful, those words cannot be taken back even if the person apologizes in the end. Of course we are all told to forgive and forget... I find forgiving easier than forgetting, to be honest. Look on the bright side, at least it is not vice versa, right? ;P 

Continuing again, even if the person apologizes and is forgiven in the end, it did not change the fact that you heard those words and had a hard time moving on. You see, this situation, I have been in for OVER 900 times! Just kidding. I've frequently been through this kind of situation but whatever happens, I end up forgiving the person most of the time. =D In some cases, I cried days after days whereas other times, I think about it over and over until I finally decide to move on. 

Like today, I cannot help feeling offended when my P.E teacher told me that I look like a naughty type of student. She started by asking me how are my studies and of course, not the type to simply lie, I took this question seriously and thought about it. In truth, I am NOT doing that well but if based on how I feel, I feel fine (Psst, this is all because I hide these bothersome worries all the way back behind my little mind!). So anyways, like I said, I told my teacher that my studies are fine. THAT was when she said something about being naughty or looking like the naughty type. 

AHEM, EXCUSE ME?! I've seen naughtier students but they end up being close to top in class! So what if I can actually be noisy? What if I can actually be naughty? What if I sometimes show my reluctance to study when a teacher comes into class? What if I sometimes show my reluctance to help a teacher (Come on, spare my already short life... Teachers love to come to me for help whether they know me or not. God, I must be a magnet for requests for help and troubles!)? *Wipes sweat* What if I rarely fought back and pissed the goddamn teachers off? What if I broke rules from time to time (those little unnecessary rules)? 

There's ALWAYS a fair payback in the end. If not by people, it is by myself, which happens so often it is happening every day. Sometimes, the person up there wants to make it SO FAIR that I got punished by others AND myself! *facepalm* Like in a recent post, I admit that I almost (if not always) blame and scold myself at all times. I often ask myself 'what if' questions regarding the things I done or said in the past and not long ago. 'What if I had not said that? Would he have been happier? Would things have turned out much happier?" "What if I had not done that? Would she have stayed on talking terms with me?" The list of questions goes on and it multiplies by the minute. xD 

I called myself all the bad names you can possibly think of. I hated myself to the extent that I'd be a perfect enemy of myself if I were to be another person. See? I don't always treat myself nicely or congratulate myself after somehow being nasty to others. 

Oh wait, have I gotten sidetracked again? As in, sidetracked BIG TIME? Lol! 

Right, back to the topic. xD Gomenasai ne... 

I literally eff my own mind wondering whether I should have said something or done something for a person. Seriously, this thing is haunting me so much that it is making me dream of it all and driving me mad - barking mad! Woof! xD 

Back to the P.E Teacher issue, I asked myself many times, "What have I ever done to make you think of me that way?" and as a result, I got sounds of crickets. There's really no answer as to why would she think of me as that sort of person. @.@ So... Maybe I shouldn't take her personally at all but since words cannot be taken back, it does not change the fact that it has hurt and offended me, By now, this issue is not the one bugging me, which is good. xD Here is a question for your readers to help answer:

Is it or is it not wise to bury oneself in work (any work, from school work to house work, to office work) to forget something and to occupy the mind?

While you're cracking your brains thinking of a wise answer, remember to take care and have fun! ^^

Real Life ~ Mini iPod Removed

I am sorry for those who actually enjoyed the Mini iPod but I realized that some people lag a lot while reading the blog and also some just cannot go to any sites with YouTube on. Dx

Oh well, if you want to know what's nice to listen to, try T.A.T.U ! I am currently obsessed with them. I like Valshe too. =P

Have been reading books lately. Actually, I have always been reading but always took time finishing a book. =S That is all because I read books that did not quite suit my taste... I read William Shakespeare and... I am sorry to say this but I prefer the anime RomeoXJuliet. The anime made more sense and it made me want the couple to come back alive more than the actual story. Sure, I ALSO want the real Romeo and Juliet to come back alive and stay together while their family get along... xD

I should be practising my violin now but I am taking this chance to remove the Mini iPod.

If you're wondering which songs are good to start with for T.A.T.U, there's always:
1. Loves Me Not
2. All The Things She Said
3. Fly On The Wall
4. All About Us
5. Gomenasai
6. How Soon Is Now?
7. Don't Regret
8. Malchik Gay/Gey
9. 30 Minutes
10. Cosmos (Outer Space)
11. 220 (Russian Version)
12. Sparks (English Version of 220)
13. Running Blind
14. Craving (I Only Want What I Can't Have)
15. Sacrifice
16. Show Me Love
17. Not Gonna Get Us
18. Friend Or Foe
19. Perfect Enemy
20. Snowfalls
21. Clowns (Can You See Me Now)
22. Stars
23. Dangerous and Moving
24. You and I
25. We Shout
26. White Robe

Actually, I am copying this list of songs from my playlist. Lol. I'd want you to start with 'Loves Me Not'. It is one of the popular songs from them.

Here are the popular ones you can easily find: (all already mentioned in previous list)
1. Loves Me Not
2. Show Me Love
3. Clowns (Can You See Me Now)
4. All The Things She Said
5. Show Me Love
6. Sacrifice
7. Friend Or Foe
8. Perfect Enemy
9. All About Us
10. How Soon Is Now?
11. 30 Minutes
12. You and I
13. Gomenasai
14. Malchik Gey/Gay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Malchik Gey/ Malchik Gay in Russian means gay guy or gay dude.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I absolutely LOVE the song "Loves Me Not" because... it means a lot to me even though I am most certainly NOT a lesbian. xD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for Valshe, you can check out every song you can find starting with "Symmetric Terget". I have no idea why is it not target but whatever it is, I think the song I like the voices. I still wonder though... Did Valshe herself sing BOTH parts?!

Besides Valshe, I like Yuya Matsushita and Aoyama Thelma.

My favorite songs from Matsushita Yuya:
1. Back To Love
2. Hallucination
AND MANY MORE~! Sadly, they're mainly in Japanese so... I cannot read 'em. Gomenasai...

As for Aoyama Thelma, my favorite song from her is "Without U". "Sweetest Sin" and "Secret Life" is good too. :D

Kana Nishino's "If" is also a great song! Once I start listening to it, I cannot stop at all...

Another song that made me rape the replay button is "Cherish" by Ai Otsuka!

Oh yeah, my all-time favorite bishounen now is Hei (Li Sheng Shun/ Lee Sheng Shun/ BK 201) from Darker Than Black and Ryuusei no Gemini. =)

The Opening song (OP) from Ryuusei no Gemini, which is "Tsukiakari no Michishirube", is a song I cannot stop listening to, just like "Blue Bird" by Ikimono Gakari.

Try listening to David Garrett. He's one heck of an awesome violinist!^^

Alright, I know I missed out mentioning billions of good songs but this is where my break from violin practice should stop for now.

Take care and have fun!^^

Real Life ~ Fluttering Heart

Fluttering heart is... QUARTER of what I'm... feeling now. Not gonna say everything but only a part of it. ;)

First off, I slept late last night (Like most nights, I cannot sleep early to try improve the skin anymore. Besides, it doesn't seem to be working and I was NEVER happy to have to sleep and waste the nights away.) knowing that I have violin lesson and should not be sleeping too late.

I woke up at 10AM instead of 9.30AM. To be honest, have been waking up at 10AM lately... For weeks already...

Practised until it was time to go. This time, I focused on the 2 songs. I LOVE "Adoration from Felix Borowski"! One of the best~ As for the other song, which is "Presto by Haydn", I don't quite like it though the CD sounded MUCH better. I have to slow the song down.

Anyways, skipping to during the violin lesson, I started out with "Adoration" and it was heaven. I am glad it didn't sound as HORRIBLE as when I first started it. I still have problem with the shifting at one part but oh well, that will eventually be solved as long as I keep on trying.

Today, people kept on coming close to watch my teacher and I play. Usually, people don't really look but this time, I think my teacher and I made more people want to learn violin. xD I saw a bunch of parents at the counter.

True enough, a parent DID ask about the violin lessons and the fees. The parent is the one whose little son learns guitar. Seeing the way the son cares for his guitar gives me the shivers. He dropped it numerous times and the poor guitar bang the couch, walls and doors as he walks around. @.@ I cannot imagine if he did the same for the violin when he takes it out or even try to tune it...

I always thought the parent had an issue with me playing/learning the violin... She and her husband (I think) stared at me when I got out of the music room. My class just ended and it was a great song and a great lesson that day. Thought they didn't think so. (>.<)

Today, the parent asked my mom how old I am and whether I started from young. This is where my heart 'fluttered' because the parent told my mom she thinks I play well.

Where's the holy light? I can feel it comin'! Have been extremely frustrated lately so I keep thinking of how bad I am doing... So every compliment means a lot to me and shall be appreciated! This is the first time a stranger complimented after watching me play live despite the mistakes made. ^^

I hope that days like these keep on coming. :D

Oh, know what's funny? I had more things to say but I forgotten. Lol.

But~ I remember to wish you readers to have fun and take a good care of yourself! ;P

Real Life ~ Forgotten Things To Say

Gomenasai ne... (Sorry)

I forgotten to say something I promised to mention from the previous post. Lol.

See? It doesn't matter if I am a kid, teenager, young adult or not because we're ALL aging! ;P

As for the people who are not nice in the tuition, they're both guys and girls.

They laughed at me whenever I made a mistake or say something wrong. Even if I read what the teacher told me to, they like to laugh. They just HAVE to find something funny!

The girls only talk to me or be nice to me when they need to ask for something. I used to think 2 certain girls were my friends. But one day, I realized one of them weren't. And RECENTLY, I realized that other friend also cannot be called a friend anymore. They always pestered me, asking me for answers. Can't they see I also DON'T EFFING KNOW HOW TO DO?! You DON'T see me asking people how to do, right? You DON'T see me trying to sneak a peek at answers, right?

Sheesh, just admit it, it ain't exam. What have you lose there even if you're wrong? I got almost everything wrong sometimes and do you see me want to copy answers the next time? Sure, I don't like being wrong and sometimes I want to copy answers but I refuse to lose to that temptation.

ESPECIALLY EXAMS! My classmates (the girls) just LOVE to ask me for answers. Well, eff that because I DON'T EFFING KNOW THE ANSWERS EITHER! I hate how I had to purposely sleep even though I cannot even sleep a wink. Oh, guess what? They STILL have the guts to ask me last minute before passing the papers up.

I felt as if I wasted time TRYING to sleep!

Sorry, sidetracked again. Lol.

It's just that they treat pretty girls with more respect. They don't simply go laughing at pretty girls in a mean way.

Gah, I got distracted somehow by something. Haha...

Whatever it is, I just cannot stop thinking that people are like that these days. They all judge people by their looks (as in pretty or not).

They see pretty girls, they go, "*whistles* Woah! Must check her out. Be nice to her. First impressions and all that sh*t!"

They see plain or boring nerdy girls like me, they go, "BLEH! What did you come out from? A drain? Must make you help me hook up with that pretty girl over there! Hope you're her best friend. Oh, girls love to hug each other and stuff right? Maybe they don't need to be friends to help me out! Woo hoo!"

Well, not LITERALLY always like that for the plain or boring nerdy girls. But close enough. xD

Alright, the end of rant part number 2 for today! >=D

Take care and have fun anyways. xD

Real Life ~ Some Stuff To Say

I admit this will probably be another one of those short posts.

This post will be about my recent life. It's not all that interesting but it's still quite hectic. Well, to me, deep inside, it's so hectic I want to freak out BIG TIME. ;P

The AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) is the same as always so there's nothing much to talk about it. After all, I STILL feel extremely U.G.L.Y! And... I still seem to like isolating myself. Funnily enough, I grew to love my own company but I still HATE awkward moments. Here's a fine example, my friend and I were about to go to the Physics lab. My other 2 friends just left the class and I have no one else to talk to since my friend left me to go speak with her best friends. The teacher already started teaching and I was sure many were wondering this, "Poor thing, no friend...", "The anti-social...", "She's in the way... What an eyesore... So goddamn ugly and nerdy... UGH! Get out of the class and stop being so SAD and PITIFUL!" I really felt like ditching my friend like how she ditched me everytime she sees her best friends. I RATHER go to the goddamn lab alone even if all eyes would be on me and sniggering because I was late.

This has been happening recently and it sorta bites at me inside, making me feel down for some time. You see, this friend of mine is the prettiest girl in my class. Like what another girl classmate of mine told me, that pretty friend of mine turns every guy's head around to take a second and possibly billion more looks at her. Sure, she ain't the prettiest girl in the world but with the choices they have in my class (we only have 9 girls - this much, I can say), she's the only girl they will want to stare or ogle at during lessons when they are around.

Sorry, distracted. Lol. So anyways, the guys in my class keeps on playing truth or dare and then everytime they pick a dare, they make bets involving money and make a guy do something to or with my pretty friend. It's nothing serious so far, if that's what you're concerned about. They make the same guy hold hands with her, get her to join the truth or dare and possibly touch her hair or something. I don't know about the last one they had a bet on though.

I know that it's not fun to be in my pretty friend's shoes in that kind of situation but... something keeps niggling at me, making me realize that it means I am not pretty and they don't even dare to talk to me. It's like I am not pretty enough to be played around with. They won't even give me a second look, I am sure.

You may think I am a hateful person for admitting this but... I cannot help laughing at the things they say when they kept on insisting on the guy to do what he was dared to. Don't you think it's fair enough in a way when she laughs at me whenever some bad things happen to me? Just saying this to give you another thought. After all, *says bitterly* EVERYONE will give her a second thought! Or, maybe I was wrong after all - They all like her so much that they don't even need to think!

Sorry, I have an issue with these kinds of things regarding looks (the awful proof that I really have AvPD - can't seem to think up WHY AvPD of all disorders but oh well).

Today is a funny day though. I thought I have BM tuition but when I walked into the tuition centre, the people told me that it had been cancelled. I was stunned. Well, I should be having a parade because these were the words I wanted to hear for a very long time. (Oh c'mon, I am a normal student who knows when to be lazy but I won't mind going if nicer people were there... Will get onto that matter later on)

So I smiled and assured the people that I don't need a lift back home. I enjoyed my walk back. It was quite a walk but I somehow got home pretty fast. I felt fresh even though I was kinda sweaty when I returned. Mom was shocked when she saw me back. She said I was damn fast to have walked back. I guess I power-walked back home. Lol.

I also have this issue that makes me anxious at most times. I will keep on forcing myself to do something I have no mood for just to feel productive and that I have not wasted time. If I DID waste time (which I did on Tuesday and other times), I will keep on feeling frustrated but this will eventually end.

So... I keep on making myself write. I love writing after all... As long as I have notes to copy though... Not things that make me think effing hard. Funnily enough, I don't hate Additonal Mathematics for making me screw my own tiny brain.

Lately, I just wrote this essay that sorta has something to do with my real life and it is the part of my real life that I desperately (not really THAT desperate) want to hide from many people.

I didn't reveal any names in the essay and I want to know what my English teacher thinks about it. I want to know if I am capable of writing essays without using names or nicknames.

Gotta say something though... I will NOT be able to move on from the harsh words if the teacher ended up hating the essay I wrote. See? Another AvPD symptom. I just cannot take criticism easily. I will only accept those kinder constructive criticism.

Sigh, this is not a good trait to have but... I seriously TRIED to accept them with arms wide open and seriously TRIED to accept them with my mind wide open. I get depressed for some time just from repeating what people said in my buzzing mind.

What a terrible truth about me, huh? You're probably thinking what a bad person I am. Ugly inside and outside. =(

Hey, if you DO hate me for who I am now, you're not alone because I really do call myself a 'female dog' and I OFTEN (like always) think back of what I done or said and then HATE myself for them all.

Ugh, my heart really physically ached for a moment after writing these. (>.
One more thing that's been making me desperate to write stories and so on:
I just love being in my own fantasy world where things go the way I want to and people say things I want to hear. It's not wrong to fantasize, 'kay?

It's actually also a reason why I love writing scripts. People say things that I want them to say. Even if the things they say to the main character of the story aren't nice, I am still glad to get to control "people" for a moment. After all, I live my life being a puppet.

Believe me, it's not always a sob story to be such a puppet but I have my moments too... Just not all that many of them. *Gives a sad smile*

Whatever. Bye, people, for now. I am dying to write more but I cannot seem to find anything to say now.

Have fun and take care! Do that for moi~ ;)

Real Life ~ Back From The Dead & Back Again

I am incredibly sorry for not blogging for what seemed like YEARS!

I've been through a lot as usual but I finally realized certain things...

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)

Heard of that?

I am going to copy and paste the information from WIKIPEDIA~
Just want you readers to know more about it.

WHAT IS AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER?

Avoidant personality disorder(anxious personality disorder)is a personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook in a person characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.

People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.

There is controversy as to whether avoidant personality disorder is a distinct disorder from generalized social phobia and it is contended by some that they are merely different conceptualisations of the same disorder, where avoidant personality disorder may represent the more severe form. This is argued as generalized social phobia and avoidant personality disorder have a similar diagnostic criteria and may share a similar causation, subjective experience, course, treatment, and identical underlying personality features, such as shyness.

SYMPTOMS:

-Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
-Self-imposed social isolation
-Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
-Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
-Avoids interpersonal relationships
-Feelings of inadequacy
-Severe low self-esteem
-Self-loathing
-Mistrust of others
-Emotional distancing related to intimacy
-Highly self-conscious
-Self-critical about their problems relating to others
-Problems in occupational functioning
-Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
-Feeling inferior to others
-In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
-Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever it is, I was extremely shocked to the core to know there WAS such a disorder that TRULY expresses the way I feel! If I really have that disorder 9most likely since almost all symptoms fit me!), that means I've suffered from severe AvPD for years already...

I knew I was somewhat "different" from others. I feel as if I've never been normal and that I like mainly things that people don't. Luckily, I still know how to like bishounen from manga and anime!

Here goes... *deep breaths* I am hoping that I don't get too emotional writing this. I refuse to say everything but there can't be too much to hide anyways...

1. I totally feel like the worst, stupidest, ugliest, most awkward person ever.
2. I hate myself and call myself a "B!tch" almost all the time.
3. I dare not look into the mirror unless it's a dark place and that I don't stand too near with spectacles off.
4. If I were to look into the mirror close-up, I will need to cover most of my face with my hands.
5. If I accidentally saw my face in the mirror, I will take a long time recovering from tremendously negative thoughts like "OH MY GOSH, SO UUUUGGGGGLLLLYYY!", "NO WONDER NO ONE LIKES YOU!", "NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS!", "NOW YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE DISRESPECT YOU!", "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO REALIZE WHY PEOPLE CAN HARDLY TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY!", "NO WONDER PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOU!", "NO WONDER PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU!", "NO WONDER YOU CAN NEVER GET ALONG WITH SNOBBISH POPULAR PEOPLE!" and so on...
6. I feel that it's safer to isolate myself and be alone because I will end up saying something wrong or have problem making the right facial expressions when talking to people.
7. My tone never seem to match the way I feel deep inside. (monosyllabic or just... weird)
8. I fantasize and dream most of the time.
9. I use work to try to occupy my mind and feel useful, like I am doing something worthwhile.
10. I think feeling pain and exhausted will mean I've done enough for one day. (same goes to violin practices)
11. I feel much more comfortable staying at home because I can avoid less humiliation.
12. Going to tuition is horrible because I will have no choice but to show my ugly face and I worry people regret looking at me.
13. I am scared to use the handkerchief or tissue in public (especially in school and tuition) because I get the feeling people are staring at me and thinking of how dirty and disgusting I am.
14. I am scared of eating in front of friends and people I know because I worry I look stupid.
15. I worry people hate me.
16. I cannot accept rejection without crying.
17. I cannot accept criticism. (Yes, I said it!)
18. I feel happy when I make people happy so by default (or not?), I keep on wanting to please others.
19. I keep wanting to make those who mistreat me happy.
20. I cannot stand it when people misunderstand.

I feel as if I just let go of a lot of things... Something happened in school and it bugged me a lot. Again, I have no energy left to say.

I cried myself to sleep on some nights. I think it's getting to be pretty normal now.

I admit I can still think of killing myself but for now, no. Not yet.

Sorry, can't say more... Mixed feelings now.

Take care and have fun, people. Do this for me, I beg you!

Real Life ~ Attached...

I felt REALLY depressed and down this morning until the time before recess. I felt horribly empty... That is because I missed my violin so dearly. No, she did not leave my side or anything. Nothing happened to her. =D

You see, on Thursday, my violinist friend brought her violin again to school. She, once again, got me to look after her violin for her. She allowed me to play. xD

Played after Physics class, which should be Moral class next. I just tried it out. I realized that I am not very good with the synthetic strings. My violin has steel strings (supposedly cheaper strings =/) so... that's the reason why I am not used to synthetic strings. Synthetic strings, I find, are softer to press but I cannot say that it's entirely easy to play with either. =x Psst, my violinist friend tortured her violin but I suppose it is tough enough to not get visibly damaged.

Last Saturday, my parents brought me to a shop specialized in violins. Well, that shop also provides violin lessons. xD The budget was 500 dollars (which is not really enough to upgrade, seriously) but they only have a 800 dollar violin as the cheapest one there. I did not like how it sounded because it was soft and I totally sucked at playing it. It's as if something possessed me and made me play worse than I already am. (>.<) Then, the guy selling let me try out the 3000 dollar(yes, 3 thousand dollars!) violin. Surprisingly, it sounds almost like my violin! LOL, I think the guy selling found it a little bit insulting when mom told him that's almost like my violin's current sound! xD My violin's voice is similar to a 3000 dollar violin? Get real, man! The bow he gave me to test out with was feather-light. =o With my slightly shivering hands, that feather-light bow did not help. xD All I am trying to say is that I am too attached to Autumn. I can NEVER play right when it comes to other violins. I feel that I should bond with the instrument first and take some time to get used to it before actually playing for real in front of others. Same goes to me needing warm-up before getting down to business. =/ It's a handicap, isn't it? (>.<) That has gotta be bad but it's better than me being the type of person who sees all violins being just violins. Nothing more. They're all the same. To be frank, I HATE to be that sort of person. I want to see every violin as an individual, one of a kind, like each having its own specialty.

Would be awesome to keep that attitude... Coz it sucks to be a hypocrite. ;P

So all the while I was in the shop, the thoughts "I am too attached to my own violin", "I want Autumn here now" and "Autumn is better than them" ran through my mind over and over. Can you call that faith? What about loyalty? Or is it me being naive and childish?

Gotta bring the violin collage I made last year again... Seriously need it to wake me up and cheer me up like how I badly needed it today. Dx

Today's practice was not productive at all when I stopped for a rest and it ended up being longer than 5 minutes. I sat there holding my violin with my left hand, balancing it on my lap while facebooking. Lol. I admit I do RC when I rest for awhile and that I do just sit there listening to the same songs again and again. Sometimes I rest and listen to new songs I have to learn or just songs that I can never play (or even sing).

Malaysia's Philharmonic Orchestra is doing the piece Piano Concerto No. 2 by Rachimanov / Rachimanoff... I am DYING to watch! I badly want to go. *pouts*

That orchestral piece ROCKS! Well, not Rock but it is kick-a$$! =D See those money sign? xD (Psst, it ain't no bad word. =x)

The ending of the practice was OK. I was hurting badly again when it came to "La Cumparsita" but I will NOT lose to that song! I want to remake a video on that song. =/ Not satisfied. I do not even dare to watch back my old video on that song. Lol. At least my teacher was OK with the video. Just rhythm problem, as usual. Dx

Tomorrow's the violin lesson. Hopefully I did not forget anything I learned throughout the whole week of practice. I actually became extremely blur when I practised today. It is as if the "violin-sick" (not home-sick) erased all those important things. o.0 That sucks. Lol. Important thing tomorrow is that I still have the energy to do a good vibrato tomorrow. I sound horrible when my fingers cannot do vibrato. That happens when I practised too much of vibrato the day before. I just practised a lot of that earlier during the practice. In fact, throughout the practice. Please let tomorrow be good!

Take care and have fun~!^^ I gotta go because my eye lids are gonna drop any moment. =P