This post will be about my recent life. It's not all that interesting but it's still quite hectic. Well, to me, deep inside, it's so hectic I want to freak out BIG TIME. ;P
The AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) is the same as always so there's nothing much to talk about it. After all, I STILL feel extremely U.G.L.Y! And... I still seem to like isolating myself. Funnily enough, I grew to love my own company but I still HATE awkward moments. Here's a fine example, my friend and I were about to go to the Physics lab. My other 2 friends just left the class and I have no one else to talk to since my friend left me to go speak with her best friends. The teacher already started teaching and I was sure many were wondering this, "Poor thing, no friend...", "The anti-social...", "She's in the way... What an eyesore... So goddamn ugly and nerdy... UGH! Get out of the class and stop being so SAD and PITIFUL!" I really felt like ditching my friend like how she ditched me everytime she sees her best friends. I RATHER go to the goddamn lab alone even if all eyes would be on me and sniggering because I was late.
This has been happening recently and it sorta bites at me inside, making me feel down for some time. You see, this friend of mine is the prettiest girl in my class. Like what another girl classmate of mine told me, that pretty friend of mine turns every guy's head around to take a second and possibly billion more looks at her. Sure, she ain't the prettiest girl in the world but with the choices they have in my class (we only have 9 girls - this much, I can say), she's the only girl they will want to stare or ogle at during lessons when they are around.
Sorry, distracted. Lol. So anyways, the guys in my class keeps on playing truth or dare and then everytime they pick a dare, they make bets involving money and make a guy do something to or with my pretty friend. It's nothing serious so far, if that's what you're concerned about. They make the same guy hold hands with her, get her to join the truth or dare and possibly touch her hair or something. I don't know about the last one they had a bet on though.
I know that it's not fun to be in my pretty friend's shoes in that kind of situation but... something keeps niggling at me, making me realize that it means I am not pretty and they don't even dare to talk to me. It's like I am not pretty enough to be played around with. They won't even give me a second look, I am sure.
You may think I am a hateful person for admitting this but... I cannot help laughing at the things they say when they kept on insisting on the guy to do what he was dared to. Don't you think it's fair enough in a way when she laughs at me whenever some bad things happen to me? Just saying this to give you another thought. After all, *says bitterly* EVERYONE will give her a second thought! Or, maybe I was wrong after all - They all like her so much that they don't even need to think!
Sorry, I have an issue with these kinds of things regarding looks (the awful proof that I really have AvPD - can't seem to think up WHY AvPD of all disorders but oh well).
Today is a funny day though. I thought I have BM tuition but when I walked into the tuition centre, the people told me that it had been cancelled. I was stunned. Well, I should be having a parade because these were the words I wanted to hear for a very long time. (Oh c'mon, I am a normal student who knows when to be lazy but I won't mind going if nicer people were there... Will get onto that matter later on)
So I smiled and assured the people that I don't need a lift back home. I enjoyed my walk back. It was quite a walk but I somehow got home pretty fast. I felt fresh even though I was kinda sweaty when I returned. Mom was shocked when she saw me back. She said I was damn fast to have walked back. I guess I power-walked back home. Lol.
I also have this issue that makes me anxious at most times. I will keep on forcing myself to do something I have no mood for just to feel productive and that I have not wasted time. If I DID waste time (which I did on Tuesday and other times), I will keep on feeling frustrated but this will eventually end.
So... I keep on making myself write. I love writing after all... As long as I have notes to copy though... Not things that make me think effing hard. Funnily enough, I don't hate Additonal Mathematics for making me screw my own tiny brain.
Lately, I just wrote this essay that sorta has something to do with my real life and it is the part of my real life that I desperately (not really THAT desperate) want to hide from many people.
I didn't reveal any names in the essay and I want to know what my English teacher thinks about it. I want to know if I am capable of writing essays without using names or nicknames.
Gotta say something though... I will NOT be able to move on from the harsh words if the teacher ended up hating the essay I wrote. See? Another AvPD symptom. I just cannot take criticism easily. I will only accept those kinder constructive criticism.
Sigh, this is not a good trait to have but... I seriously TRIED to accept them with arms wide open and seriously TRIED to accept them with my mind wide open. I get depressed for some time just from repeating what people said in my buzzing mind.
What a terrible truth about me, huh? You're probably thinking what a bad person I am. Ugly inside and outside. =(
Hey, if you DO hate me for who I am now, you're not alone because I really do call myself a 'female dog' and I OFTEN (like always) think back of what I done or said and then HATE myself for them all.
Ugh, my heart really physically ached for a moment after writing these. (>.
One more thing that's been making me desperate to write stories and so on:
I just love being in my own fantasy world where things go the way I want to and people say things I want to hear. It's not wrong to fantasize, 'kay?
It's actually also a reason why I love writing scripts. People say things that I want them to say. Even if the things they say to the main character of the story aren't nice, I am still glad to get to control "people" for a moment. After all, I live my life being a puppet.
Believe me, it's not always a sob story to be such a puppet but I have my moments too... Just not all that many of them. *Gives a sad smile*
Whatever. Bye, people, for now. I am dying to write more but I cannot seem to find anything to say now.
Have fun and take care! Do that for moi~ ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment