Real Life ~ Now I Know Why

I bet that in the future, I will be able to write this kind of post again. xD 

Well, realistically, that is IF the world didn't end or IF I survived until the next time these kind of things come by again. 

Optimistically, I would repeat what my first sentence of the first paragraph said. ;) 

Whatever it is, this kind of thing will not stop until my life ends. xD Continuing, NOW I know why people have problem voicing out their emotions. 

Lately, I have problem voicing out my exact thoughts and emotions. Fine, so I ALREADY have problems voicing out my opinions in people's faces but this is a totally different story. Sorry but I am not revealing anything private today. =P 

For example, my friend, who's usually cheerful and happy-go-lucky suddenly gets moody and extremely upset one day, I have lots to say YET I cannot voice them out (Well, not ALL) for fear of ruining our friendship. I badly want to give my friend a hug BUT I worry the friend will not take it well and instead, hate me in return. Then again, knowing the kind of luck I have, I will most likely have a brain jam at that time and have absolutely nothing to say in return to cheer my friend up. 

I first saw this kind of thing happening in stories, mangas, animes and maybe even movies. Back then, scratched my head, wondering so many times why can't the person just say it out to clear things up or act it out once and for all. Now that I've been through that and in fact, am GOING through that, this is where this particular post comes in to save the world! 

Know what? I am dying to tell you what's exactly on my mind right now but I cannot bring myself to spit the truth out. Bloody problem now is that I've already been holding back for uncountable times. Does anyone here know what should I do? I have been told last month to wait for the right moment to let it all out and stop holding back. It's terribly hard and it's actually hurting me a lot. 

It pains me whenever I bite my own tongue before saying anything out loud. After all, spoken words (and probably typed/written words) CANNOT be taken back. I used to refuse to believe that they cannot be taken back but after having gone through those other "Now I know why" moments, my initial thoughts were proven wrong. I learned that when a person says something hurtful, those words cannot be taken back even if the person apologizes in the end. Of course we are all told to forgive and forget... I find forgiving easier than forgetting, to be honest. Look on the bright side, at least it is not vice versa, right? ;P 

Continuing again, even if the person apologizes and is forgiven in the end, it did not change the fact that you heard those words and had a hard time moving on. You see, this situation, I have been in for OVER 900 times! Just kidding. I've frequently been through this kind of situation but whatever happens, I end up forgiving the person most of the time. =D In some cases, I cried days after days whereas other times, I think about it over and over until I finally decide to move on. 

Like today, I cannot help feeling offended when my P.E teacher told me that I look like a naughty type of student. She started by asking me how are my studies and of course, not the type to simply lie, I took this question seriously and thought about it. In truth, I am NOT doing that well but if based on how I feel, I feel fine (Psst, this is all because I hide these bothersome worries all the way back behind my little mind!). So anyways, like I said, I told my teacher that my studies are fine. THAT was when she said something about being naughty or looking like the naughty type. 

AHEM, EXCUSE ME?! I've seen naughtier students but they end up being close to top in class! So what if I can actually be noisy? What if I can actually be naughty? What if I sometimes show my reluctance to study when a teacher comes into class? What if I sometimes show my reluctance to help a teacher (Come on, spare my already short life... Teachers love to come to me for help whether they know me or not. God, I must be a magnet for requests for help and troubles!)? *Wipes sweat* What if I rarely fought back and pissed the goddamn teachers off? What if I broke rules from time to time (those little unnecessary rules)? 

There's ALWAYS a fair payback in the end. If not by people, it is by myself, which happens so often it is happening every day. Sometimes, the person up there wants to make it SO FAIR that I got punished by others AND myself! *facepalm* Like in a recent post, I admit that I almost (if not always) blame and scold myself at all times. I often ask myself 'what if' questions regarding the things I done or said in the past and not long ago. 'What if I had not said that? Would he have been happier? Would things have turned out much happier?" "What if I had not done that? Would she have stayed on talking terms with me?" The list of questions goes on and it multiplies by the minute. xD 

I called myself all the bad names you can possibly think of. I hated myself to the extent that I'd be a perfect enemy of myself if I were to be another person. See? I don't always treat myself nicely or congratulate myself after somehow being nasty to others. 

Oh wait, have I gotten sidetracked again? As in, sidetracked BIG TIME? Lol! 

Right, back to the topic. xD Gomenasai ne... 

I literally eff my own mind wondering whether I should have said something or done something for a person. Seriously, this thing is haunting me so much that it is making me dream of it all and driving me mad - barking mad! Woof! xD 

Back to the P.E Teacher issue, I asked myself many times, "What have I ever done to make you think of me that way?" and as a result, I got sounds of crickets. There's really no answer as to why would she think of me as that sort of person. @.@ So... Maybe I shouldn't take her personally at all but since words cannot be taken back, it does not change the fact that it has hurt and offended me, By now, this issue is not the one bugging me, which is good. xD Here is a question for your readers to help answer:

Is it or is it not wise to bury oneself in work (any work, from school work to house work, to office work) to forget something and to occupy the mind?

While you're cracking your brains thinking of a wise answer, remember to take care and have fun! ^^