Real Life ~ Some Stuff To Say

I admit this will probably be another one of those short posts.

This post will be about my recent life. It's not all that interesting but it's still quite hectic. Well, to me, deep inside, it's so hectic I want to freak out BIG TIME. ;P

The AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) is the same as always so there's nothing much to talk about it. After all, I STILL feel extremely U.G.L.Y! And... I still seem to like isolating myself. Funnily enough, I grew to love my own company but I still HATE awkward moments. Here's a fine example, my friend and I were about to go to the Physics lab. My other 2 friends just left the class and I have no one else to talk to since my friend left me to go speak with her best friends. The teacher already started teaching and I was sure many were wondering this, "Poor thing, no friend...", "The anti-social...", "She's in the way... What an eyesore... So goddamn ugly and nerdy... UGH! Get out of the class and stop being so SAD and PITIFUL!" I really felt like ditching my friend like how she ditched me everytime she sees her best friends. I RATHER go to the goddamn lab alone even if all eyes would be on me and sniggering because I was late.

This has been happening recently and it sorta bites at me inside, making me feel down for some time. You see, this friend of mine is the prettiest girl in my class. Like what another girl classmate of mine told me, that pretty friend of mine turns every guy's head around to take a second and possibly billion more looks at her. Sure, she ain't the prettiest girl in the world but with the choices they have in my class (we only have 9 girls - this much, I can say), she's the only girl they will want to stare or ogle at during lessons when they are around.

Sorry, distracted. Lol. So anyways, the guys in my class keeps on playing truth or dare and then everytime they pick a dare, they make bets involving money and make a guy do something to or with my pretty friend. It's nothing serious so far, if that's what you're concerned about. They make the same guy hold hands with her, get her to join the truth or dare and possibly touch her hair or something. I don't know about the last one they had a bet on though.

I know that it's not fun to be in my pretty friend's shoes in that kind of situation but... something keeps niggling at me, making me realize that it means I am not pretty and they don't even dare to talk to me. It's like I am not pretty enough to be played around with. They won't even give me a second look, I am sure.

You may think I am a hateful person for admitting this but... I cannot help laughing at the things they say when they kept on insisting on the guy to do what he was dared to. Don't you think it's fair enough in a way when she laughs at me whenever some bad things happen to me? Just saying this to give you another thought. After all, *says bitterly* EVERYONE will give her a second thought! Or, maybe I was wrong after all - They all like her so much that they don't even need to think!

Sorry, I have an issue with these kinds of things regarding looks (the awful proof that I really have AvPD - can't seem to think up WHY AvPD of all disorders but oh well).

Today is a funny day though. I thought I have BM tuition but when I walked into the tuition centre, the people told me that it had been cancelled. I was stunned. Well, I should be having a parade because these were the words I wanted to hear for a very long time. (Oh c'mon, I am a normal student who knows when to be lazy but I won't mind going if nicer people were there... Will get onto that matter later on)

So I smiled and assured the people that I don't need a lift back home. I enjoyed my walk back. It was quite a walk but I somehow got home pretty fast. I felt fresh even though I was kinda sweaty when I returned. Mom was shocked when she saw me back. She said I was damn fast to have walked back. I guess I power-walked back home. Lol.

I also have this issue that makes me anxious at most times. I will keep on forcing myself to do something I have no mood for just to feel productive and that I have not wasted time. If I DID waste time (which I did on Tuesday and other times), I will keep on feeling frustrated but this will eventually end.

So... I keep on making myself write. I love writing after all... As long as I have notes to copy though... Not things that make me think effing hard. Funnily enough, I don't hate Additonal Mathematics for making me screw my own tiny brain.

Lately, I just wrote this essay that sorta has something to do with my real life and it is the part of my real life that I desperately (not really THAT desperate) want to hide from many people.

I didn't reveal any names in the essay and I want to know what my English teacher thinks about it. I want to know if I am capable of writing essays without using names or nicknames.

Gotta say something though... I will NOT be able to move on from the harsh words if the teacher ended up hating the essay I wrote. See? Another AvPD symptom. I just cannot take criticism easily. I will only accept those kinder constructive criticism.

Sigh, this is not a good trait to have but... I seriously TRIED to accept them with arms wide open and seriously TRIED to accept them with my mind wide open. I get depressed for some time just from repeating what people said in my buzzing mind.

What a terrible truth about me, huh? You're probably thinking what a bad person I am. Ugly inside and outside. =(

Hey, if you DO hate me for who I am now, you're not alone because I really do call myself a 'female dog' and I OFTEN (like always) think back of what I done or said and then HATE myself for them all.

Ugh, my heart really physically ached for a moment after writing these. (>.
One more thing that's been making me desperate to write stories and so on:
I just love being in my own fantasy world where things go the way I want to and people say things I want to hear. It's not wrong to fantasize, 'kay?

It's actually also a reason why I love writing scripts. People say things that I want them to say. Even if the things they say to the main character of the story aren't nice, I am still glad to get to control "people" for a moment. After all, I live my life being a puppet.

Believe me, it's not always a sob story to be such a puppet but I have my moments too... Just not all that many of them. *Gives a sad smile*

Whatever. Bye, people, for now. I am dying to write more but I cannot seem to find anything to say now.

Have fun and take care! Do that for moi~ ;)

Real Life ~ Back From The Dead & Back Again

I am incredibly sorry for not blogging for what seemed like YEARS!

I've been through a lot as usual but I finally realized certain things...

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)

Heard of that?

I am going to copy and paste the information from WIKIPEDIA~
Just want you readers to know more about it.

WHAT IS AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER?

Avoidant personality disorder(anxious personality disorder)is a personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook in a person characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.

People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.

There is controversy as to whether avoidant personality disorder is a distinct disorder from generalized social phobia and it is contended by some that they are merely different conceptualisations of the same disorder, where avoidant personality disorder may represent the more severe form. This is argued as generalized social phobia and avoidant personality disorder have a similar diagnostic criteria and may share a similar causation, subjective experience, course, treatment, and identical underlying personality features, such as shyness.

SYMPTOMS:

-Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
-Self-imposed social isolation
-Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
-Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
-Avoids interpersonal relationships
-Feelings of inadequacy
-Severe low self-esteem
-Self-loathing
-Mistrust of others
-Emotional distancing related to intimacy
-Highly self-conscious
-Self-critical about their problems relating to others
-Problems in occupational functioning
-Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
-Feeling inferior to others
-In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
-Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever it is, I was extremely shocked to the core to know there WAS such a disorder that TRULY expresses the way I feel! If I really have that disorder 9most likely since almost all symptoms fit me!), that means I've suffered from severe AvPD for years already...

I knew I was somewhat "different" from others. I feel as if I've never been normal and that I like mainly things that people don't. Luckily, I still know how to like bishounen from manga and anime!

Here goes... *deep breaths* I am hoping that I don't get too emotional writing this. I refuse to say everything but there can't be too much to hide anyways...

1. I totally feel like the worst, stupidest, ugliest, most awkward person ever.
2. I hate myself and call myself a "B!tch" almost all the time.
3. I dare not look into the mirror unless it's a dark place and that I don't stand too near with spectacles off.
4. If I were to look into the mirror close-up, I will need to cover most of my face with my hands.
5. If I accidentally saw my face in the mirror, I will take a long time recovering from tremendously negative thoughts like "OH MY GOSH, SO UUUUGGGGGLLLLYYY!", "NO WONDER NO ONE LIKES YOU!", "NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS!", "NOW YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE DISRESPECT YOU!", "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO REALIZE WHY PEOPLE CAN HARDLY TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY!", "NO WONDER PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOU!", "NO WONDER PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU!", "NO WONDER YOU CAN NEVER GET ALONG WITH SNOBBISH POPULAR PEOPLE!" and so on...
6. I feel that it's safer to isolate myself and be alone because I will end up saying something wrong or have problem making the right facial expressions when talking to people.
7. My tone never seem to match the way I feel deep inside. (monosyllabic or just... weird)
8. I fantasize and dream most of the time.
9. I use work to try to occupy my mind and feel useful, like I am doing something worthwhile.
10. I think feeling pain and exhausted will mean I've done enough for one day. (same goes to violin practices)
11. I feel much more comfortable staying at home because I can avoid less humiliation.
12. Going to tuition is horrible because I will have no choice but to show my ugly face and I worry people regret looking at me.
13. I am scared to use the handkerchief or tissue in public (especially in school and tuition) because I get the feeling people are staring at me and thinking of how dirty and disgusting I am.
14. I am scared of eating in front of friends and people I know because I worry I look stupid.
15. I worry people hate me.
16. I cannot accept rejection without crying.
17. I cannot accept criticism. (Yes, I said it!)
18. I feel happy when I make people happy so by default (or not?), I keep on wanting to please others.
19. I keep wanting to make those who mistreat me happy.
20. I cannot stand it when people misunderstand.

I feel as if I just let go of a lot of things... Something happened in school and it bugged me a lot. Again, I have no energy left to say.

I cried myself to sleep on some nights. I think it's getting to be pretty normal now.

I admit I can still think of killing myself but for now, no. Not yet.

Sorry, can't say more... Mixed feelings now.

Take care and have fun, people. Do this for me, I beg you!

Real Life ~ Attached...

I felt REALLY depressed and down this morning until the time before recess. I felt horribly empty... That is because I missed my violin so dearly. No, she did not leave my side or anything. Nothing happened to her. =D

You see, on Thursday, my violinist friend brought her violin again to school. She, once again, got me to look after her violin for her. She allowed me to play. xD

Played after Physics class, which should be Moral class next. I just tried it out. I realized that I am not very good with the synthetic strings. My violin has steel strings (supposedly cheaper strings =/) so... that's the reason why I am not used to synthetic strings. Synthetic strings, I find, are softer to press but I cannot say that it's entirely easy to play with either. =x Psst, my violinist friend tortured her violin but I suppose it is tough enough to not get visibly damaged.

Last Saturday, my parents brought me to a shop specialized in violins. Well, that shop also provides violin lessons. xD The budget was 500 dollars (which is not really enough to upgrade, seriously) but they only have a 800 dollar violin as the cheapest one there. I did not like how it sounded because it was soft and I totally sucked at playing it. It's as if something possessed me and made me play worse than I already am. (>.<) Then, the guy selling let me try out the 3000 dollar(yes, 3 thousand dollars!) violin. Surprisingly, it sounds almost like my violin! LOL, I think the guy selling found it a little bit insulting when mom told him that's almost like my violin's current sound! xD My violin's voice is similar to a 3000 dollar violin? Get real, man! The bow he gave me to test out with was feather-light. =o With my slightly shivering hands, that feather-light bow did not help. xD All I am trying to say is that I am too attached to Autumn. I can NEVER play right when it comes to other violins. I feel that I should bond with the instrument first and take some time to get used to it before actually playing for real in front of others. Same goes to me needing warm-up before getting down to business. =/ It's a handicap, isn't it? (>.<) That has gotta be bad but it's better than me being the type of person who sees all violins being just violins. Nothing more. They're all the same. To be frank, I HATE to be that sort of person. I want to see every violin as an individual, one of a kind, like each having its own specialty.

Would be awesome to keep that attitude... Coz it sucks to be a hypocrite. ;P

So all the while I was in the shop, the thoughts "I am too attached to my own violin", "I want Autumn here now" and "Autumn is better than them" ran through my mind over and over. Can you call that faith? What about loyalty? Or is it me being naive and childish?

Gotta bring the violin collage I made last year again... Seriously need it to wake me up and cheer me up like how I badly needed it today. Dx

Today's practice was not productive at all when I stopped for a rest and it ended up being longer than 5 minutes. I sat there holding my violin with my left hand, balancing it on my lap while facebooking. Lol. I admit I do RC when I rest for awhile and that I do just sit there listening to the same songs again and again. Sometimes I rest and listen to new songs I have to learn or just songs that I can never play (or even sing).

Malaysia's Philharmonic Orchestra is doing the piece Piano Concerto No. 2 by Rachimanov / Rachimanoff... I am DYING to watch! I badly want to go. *pouts*

That orchestral piece ROCKS! Well, not Rock but it is kick-a$$! =D See those money sign? xD (Psst, it ain't no bad word. =x)

The ending of the practice was OK. I was hurting badly again when it came to "La Cumparsita" but I will NOT lose to that song! I want to remake a video on that song. =/ Not satisfied. I do not even dare to watch back my old video on that song. Lol. At least my teacher was OK with the video. Just rhythm problem, as usual. Dx

Tomorrow's the violin lesson. Hopefully I did not forget anything I learned throughout the whole week of practice. I actually became extremely blur when I practised today. It is as if the "violin-sick" (not home-sick) erased all those important things. o.0 That sucks. Lol. Important thing tomorrow is that I still have the energy to do a good vibrato tomorrow. I sound horrible when my fingers cannot do vibrato. That happens when I practised too much of vibrato the day before. I just practised a lot of that earlier during the practice. In fact, throughout the practice. Please let tomorrow be good!

Take care and have fun~!^^ I gotta go because my eye lids are gonna drop any moment. =P

Real Life ~ When Agony Nears Hell Gate

First let's start with yesterday. My friends and I went out shopping. It was like any normal outing, just that this time with new friends. Was supposed to be with only one new friend but she invited more. Her 2 other friends are my classmates this year. They are nice people. =D Of course I would not mind them coming along. It's better to hang around with nice people. In this case, we can most definitely use the phrase "the more the merrier"! xD (Gosh, I sounded so childish there. At least my youth came back for a moment. xD)

Met at the shopping complex at about 1PM. Have not been there for so long, about 1 or 2 years already... I was blur and worried that I'd waited at the wrong entrance. Luckily, they arrived when I phoned them. =)

We went to "Subway" and ordered. I was the only one out of the 3 of them eating because they already ate earlier on. You see, all of us are coming at different times. Some will turn up later because of something else that they have to do.

I REALLY love "Subway"! Text messaged a friend of mine who was meant to turn up same time as me. Was getting worried... =/

Suddenly, we got a call from another friend and there they were after we girls went to the entrance again.

We split up for a moment. 2 of the girls went to a shop whereas the other 4 of us went to Subway again. Only one of our friends ate. xD

We chatted and then we started walking again once he was done. Met up in a store they were in.

The 3 girls led the way. (6 of us altogether. 4 Girls. 2 Guys.)

Most of the time, we went into girlish shops to look at earrings, necklaces, hats, accessories and most probably make-ups. xD To be honest, the 3 girls knew each other for about 5 years already... Obviously they're gonna be in a group talking and walking while 3 of us talk to one another. On the other hand, we've known each other for 3 years. xD This would be the fourth. xD

Have not really looked at girlish stuff for so long. I stopped since elementary school. Gosh... No wonder I ended up being with not-so-girlish friends. xD Earrings? Never really bother about them anymore. I just wear the same pair for a long time until I feel that it is time to change. (>.<) Guess what? We entered the manga shop. It's not as fun as being there by myself though. I had to stop myself from drooling at bishounen in the manga/DVD cover. xD Lol. I wanted to see if I could buy Naruto keychains but I guess it feels weird. xD Really great to go around reliving every moment again with every anime/manga I caught sight of. Stopped for a drink. Drank Aloe Jelly with Kiwi. Something like that. The taste was nice. 2 of the girls asked to have the 'curtain' pulled up. We all saw a nice scenery though I could not see any of the "waves" they kept mentioning of. Lol. Before the movie started, we somehow split into 2 different groups to talk. 3 of the girls chatted while 3 of us talked and punched. xD I am a violent friend~ But it's not in a bad way. ;) The movie was fun. One of the girls sat beside me and we whispered stuff to one another. It was funny sometimes. I loved the movie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Edited on 15th of March 2011. top part written on 14th of March.) In this second part of the post, I will be talking about yesterday's 3 hours of violin practice. This is by far one of the craziest practice. I actually could not finish ALL the songs I was given to practise. Sure, he told me he just ran through with all songs for me to slowly practise at home. I cannot help feeling that I am VERY slow. I need to speed up and stop being Grade 5. How long do I plan to be Grade 5? Goddammit! I cannot slow down anymore! 3 more grades and that should be it! It's not as easy as it sounds like but that's what I aim to do this year. Next year, I have a bigger and shittier exam coming up. I cannot afford to attend violin lessons like that. I need to finish up my violin first. =( I do not think I will have any time at all even if I started college or university. What if I went to another country? It's already a problem to get my parents to fork out the money for local violin lesson fees... I cannot be such a burden anymore. I MUST quickly end Grade 8. Come to think of it, I do not think I can perform this June. =( Just checked the calendar. I would have had finished the mid-term exam in May or something and there will be 2 weeks of holiday after that. Surely the school will give hell a lot of homework. I'm screwed. Why am I slowing down? Why do I easily feel all the pain every time I played 10 minutes without stopping? It's not that long right? Imagine those who played 10 minutes plus as ONE song? I am already playing more than 1 song. There's a gap between every song because of the Windows Media Player. Imagine if I played a 10 minute song? Of course I will keel over and die right there and then with my violin (well, I DID say I wanted to die with my violin)! I dragged the warm-up longer now before reaching the actual new songs because I am not ready to stop playing the ABRSM Grade 4 songs. I still LOVE "Russian Fantasia No. 3"! I must NEVER stop playing that song. It is still a song I feel cool playing. Of course I still make stupid mistakes... Which is why I do not ever want to stop playing. Whenever I play "La Cumparsita", I kinda dread it because of the agony waiting to come midway through the song. (>.<) It HURTS LIKE HELL! Which is why this 3 hours of practice was close to hell. Not there yet but close enough. xD

I kept on playing, stubborn to keep on fighting back the pain. Breath kept on escaping. I'm tellin' ya, I played until my right fingers ached from holding the bow. The fingers slightly swollen and red from the gripping. The pain is something I cannot even begin to explain. =[ Both arms hurt like shit. Lol. I could not lift up both arms for a moment. All the while I played, I kept telling myself I was not good enough and that I am slow, REALLY slow and disappointed.

On and on I went. Fingers threatening to drop the bow and the whole of my left had the strong desire to keel over and collapse. I swear I could have passed out right there in the hallway where I practised. It hurts now every morning I stretch my arms, especially the left arm. The scar from violin practice is OK because I no longer forced myself to play without the handkerchief. After being told that I will get cancer if I abused the scar any further, I decided to play safe... At least I still CAN play without handkerchief! I thought I've completely relied on the handkerchief. =(

I totally collapsed in my chair after it reached the 3rd hour. Well, more than 3 hours by a few minutes, to be exact. OK, fine. I started at maybe about 9:45AM (latest at 10AM) and planned to end at 1PM but failed to because of the EXCRUCIATING pain so... I ended stopping at 12:56PM. 4 more minutes!!! ARGH! But it would be worth the days or maybe weeks of rest if I really injured myself.

Just typing now sorta hurts but it's still OK. I remember there was a time I practised until I could not even open or close the door. It ached to touch the door knob, let alone turn it. Trust me, of all things to exaggerate, this is not what I'd exaggerate about.

My eyes practically blanked out. I see black atmosphere but of course I can still see the things around. Not clearly though. Some things were blocked by the very black hazy scene, like as if there was a black mist hanging in the air. It is not the first time. If I read too long in a dark place (with some light of course), my eyes will become like that. Even my eyes now are threatening to create that black scene again. =/ It's been like that since I was a kid. Never knew why. It certainly is NOT normal though. Oh well...

Moving on to the next day, which is today, March 15 2011.
___________________________

I did not dare to practise 3 hours anymore. I decided to rest and start the practice at 4PM. I did just that but the heavy rain totally cut short my practice. =[ I was TOTALLY NOT DONE! Damn. Loud thunder clapped and before I knew it, the whole house went dark. Not a light shone and the fan stopped functioning, of course. Luckily I did not drop my violin from the shock. I was worried I'd be too shocked but thankfully, not really. I had a late response. After everything turned completely black, I only thought of this, "Oh, the electricity tripped. So dark."

I looked at my violin, still safe in my arms and started to continue playing, determined to beat the sound of thunder. After awhile, mom went up the stairs with a lousy torch light. She got a little bit agitated because water leaked and wet the floor of my parents' bedroom. I heard the dripping noise but did not know it was water leaking. Even mom heard it. The whole house was creepy but I held on protectively to my violin. Mom told me to stop playing the violin and to put it on top a cabinet. Question mark appeared above my head. I told her I would be putting it back into the violin case. Conclusion, I can still play in the dark. Well, not too well because I was busy focusing on the fact that it's dark and that I could barely see the strings ahead. The musical notes could not get into my head and that was when I go wrong. Lol. Was about to try another song when mom told me to stop it.

How sad... I could not show how happy I was to do something I like even though the electricity tripped. Could not read books... I did not dare to play my iPod (with the speaker) in case mom asked me to stop it too. Lol. And so, I got bored and went to sleep. After a long time, just as I was about to drift into a deeper sleep, mom switched the lights back on. I felt like a vampire when the lights were turned on. I complained about the place being too bright and shifted to another sofa to sleep. I woke up at about 7PM, disappointed that I could not make the practice reach 2 hours.

After having waken up from the nice sleep, I got too tired to continue with practice. Luckily I got to the 2nd new song out of 7 of them. Yesterday, I reached the 4th or 5th one. I like some of the new songs. Some repeated a lot with a few different notes so it got boring. Even my teacher dreaded teaching that song. Lol. He kept saying that it repeated too many times. xD

Had dinner and everything else normal except the fact that the heavy rain made the tree crush my neighbor's car, which was parked outside of the house.

Gotta jet now. Sorry it took this long to create a new post. I actually tried writing twice but failed to because I just lost the feeling to write. xD

Take care and have fun as always~!^^

Real Life ~ Uploading Maniac

Oh yes, finally Valentine's Day came!^^ Not because I want to celebrate with anyone special or anything BUT, to take the chance to upload my violin videos. I was worried that I would not be able to play so well when today came & that I was not in the mood, too busy... bla bla bla. All that crap that happens once in awhile or, in my life, most of the time. Lol. xD

So, I did most of the recording on 15th of January 2011. I was not doing well for the 2 Grade 5 songs at that time. Was even depressed and the emotions were unstable. Man, I will still be like that in the future but I must never be given the chance to quit violin. NEVER.

It's true I am no prodigy. Not sure if I've shared this quote with you before but I quoted it from my Chinese homework last year. With all my strength trying to understand what that whole passage said, I quoted something from it. It said that

"A true prodigy is not one who does something well without hard work or sweat, but one who works for everything, pushing him or herself to do better."

It gave me a bit of hope, you know. I know it may not be something everybody agrees with but why not believe in it if it makes one work harder to do better?

The reason for this post is so that I can update on my life and also to share the links with you, for every violin video I made and uploaded onto YouTube.

There should be about 10 videos, if I have not mistaken. xD

1. Princess Mononoke Theme (Violin)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17a9rIkSftU

2. La Serenata (Soft version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG8_G55T1Ds

3. La Serenata (Loud version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaQyBFIScv0

4. Allemanda by Corelli (Too fast)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_StudzWNDbA

5. Allemanda by Corelli (Slower)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE3VVTSK66A

6. (Done By Ear) Estes Indiferente
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmw1G8PrNBs

7. Valse Lente - C.Bohm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyU0ofg82bk

8. (Remade & Done By Ear)Estes Indiferente
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-Tf_Uhwcjo

9. Song From a Secret Garden (My Violin Playing)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOV8BldgTSw

10. (Remade)Russian Fantasia No.3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30fJ2tRViCE

_____________________________________

OK, so there ARE 10 videos. ^^

Not all are great. In fact, either I am being modest or having serious inferiority complex, I'd say none are amazing. Almost everyone can play them.

I still have a long way to go. D:

Please wish me luck? xD

Tomorrow's a holiday. Hooray, I have more time to finish my homework... *laughs weakly*

Hehe, betcha wanna say "NERD!" After all, I cannot help being like that. I was not so nerdy last year though. To be honest, even though I did all my homework, not all were handled seriously. I never paid attention in almost every lesson. Come to think of it, it really WAS a miracle as to how I can get 4A's. Let's just say, now I am thanking my lucky stars for that. Sorry it took this long.

Being in Sub Science ICT class is not all that easy but I gotta say my current classmates are nicer, even if they almost all borrow my homework to copy or use as a reference.

As long as I get my books back and have my homework marked in time, I am OK with it.

One thing I learned from the big exam last year. It taught me how trivial school exams are. No, stop your criticism now. It's true. I actually finished by the time the exam time ended. Usually, I could "sleep" for some time before it really ends.

I realized that depending on project marks was not a good thing to do. Also, homework marks ain't something to be too serious about. It did not help your big exam in the end. Just do not be too serious. I felt stupid getting worked up over homework marks last year and the 2 years before that. T.T

To get homework marks as much as you can without getting heated up is better. xD

Gotta jet. Have not done any homework for today at all. Busy uploading and practising. From about 2PM onwards until 5:48PM. @.@ This is madness (sparta!)

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Tick-Tocking Away

My mom's been sick for quite some time now. It started before CNY but after CNY, she's still like that. Even now. I think it got better though.

You know what? My CNY was just OK. I really did not perform. I still faked that I did perform for my Moral project though. I just hate being like the usual boring student when it comes to projects like these. I even got dad's help to take the pic of me 'playing' the violin. Learned a lesson from last time's 'photo session'! xD Haha. Seems like I should not move and just pretend I am actually playing. As for the December concert's photo, that's still my favorite even if that day's not very clear in my head anymore. I suppose I was just not pleased with my own performance. Way to go, pianist! Damn. I don't want to blame her or anything but I just can't help blaming the way they plan things and that they purposely did things to me so that they screw up my life. For their information, it DOES NOT screw up my life because the percentage of their involvement in my life is less than 10% even if I do go for violin lessons there. I haven't been there for a LONG time! I hope my teacher is nicer and that he starts smiling more. Praises would be nice too because I feel like I'm crap. xD Hopefully he didn't travel too much to the extent he's blur and shit like last year! Dx Those times were horrible coz it's as if he's drunk.

So many things I wanna do, so little time. I really want to spend my whole day playing my violin, reading manga & watching anime. My new friend sure jammed my search engine with mangas. And, the best part for me, comedy and shoujo at the same time! I recommend some for her too though it's not as great as hers. xD Well, there's NOTHING wrong with shoujo, just to let shoujo-haters know. Their drawings are much more precise when it comes to facial expressions. The eyes have meaning in it. One thing I absolutely love about shounen. The fights. BUT (yes, almost every line has a "but"!), not every shounen mangas have good fighting scenes. I mean, some are stiff that I don't feel thrilled reading them. Trust me, even some shoujo mangas can do better fighting scenes (Not couple fighting scenes!Lol.)

So anyways, I've been tired and all. I just finished PART of my moral homework. Haha, it's far from done. Well, not THAT far but I hope you get the meaning anyways. @.@

The moral homework took me at least 1 hour to finish. I feel that I am suppose to keep on doing work. =/ Gonna go psycho here. And... I decided to go read manga instead of doing BM tuition homework. Damn.

Lol, seriously, I couldn't even read manga or watch anime for this whole week!

Alright, this otaku's going now.

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ I Knew It

I knew it. I really, really knew it.

After all that hard training, I don't really get any praises, let alone show people my progress. I am not allowed to bring Autumn along to perform for Chinese New Year.

So... I wasted my time learning "Song From A Secret Garden" last minute and another song for my grandmother's birthday. All for nothing. As expected.

This year's Chinese New Year's going to be ever so boring... Like last year...

Truth is, I can NEVER be who I really am when facing all my cousins. I have no choice but to cover my face with this mask that shows only the good side. I am not allowed to be human in front of everyone, am I?

Now, here I am, recovering from another disappointment. If they asked me why didn't I bring my violin along, I will have to put on this fake smile and say, "Oh, I am not sure you wanna hear my horrible playing!"

=.= Seriously, man! Do you expect me to answer them like that every year? As long as I am still breathing, I can never perform as I like, can I?

My only hope is YouTube left... With a useless cam that cannot record the double-stopping nicely. Eff it.

Just one day I will perform. I know I tend to hesitate last minute and screw up performances but if I just get to know the crowd, I might do better. That way, I can excel in performances, just like my violinist friend!

What a let down...

I cannot cry over this matter, can I?

Alright. Gonna go.

Take care and have fun~!^^ Happy Chinese New Year!^^

(P.S: I am not allowed because it would seem like I'm showing off when I just desperately need to get a few compliments to show I am not doing as bad as I thought)