Real Life ~ Rant-a-thon

Hey there, people! I am supposed to be copying notes now but you know what? Exam is near but I think I will not be able to gain anything if I write anything more for now. My hand is absolutely aching! (Psst, typing is pretty tiring to my already-aching hand but it's much faster than writing when the sentences are forming real quick in my messy mind.)

Let's see... I have been gathering topics after topics to rant on for days and possibly weeks. I imagined things to say and titles to give to this post.

Starting with what happened today (while I can still remember), I will not give details or anything so that the person will not kill me (>.<)

Recap: That girl is not an entirely nice person. She's really bossy and she usually just wants everything to go her way. She rarely accepts other people's way of doing things. She doesn't always watch what she says and LOVES to interrupt when people are talking.

Don't hate me for saying all of that because apparently, quite a few agree with me.

Right, back to topic. My friend was teaching me and my other friend but then, as expected, this girl suddenly budge in and do all the asking and talking. I was like, fine, go do whatever you want because I am fine with studying myself too. I don't need you to ruin my life any longer. My friend who was learning with me also gave up and eventually left my class. Before she left, she told me she had things to ask but because of you-know-who, she stopped waiting for a chance and walked off.

This girl made me think that it would be the end of the world when she and I are apart. She made me think that I will not be able to get anything done without her. Who knew... She was the one holding me back all along... And I was even told that, just that I kept denying at that time. This is why I TRY real hard not to think that i cannot live without certain people.

Hyper-Realistically, most of us humans need others to be able to live a somewhat perfect life. Not saying that anything's perfect but just good enough or just plain good. Even rich people need connections and help from others to make things work out. We, whether we are a 'somebody' or a 'nobody', we still need people to help out. (Okay, maybe I usually turn down my closest friends' help and some other people's along the way but that's because I think I relied too much on people.)

Woah, I gave myself a surprise by writing this much just on ONE thing. There are more but sadly, I did not write it all down and cannot remember more. So... goodbye people.

JUST JOKING!

Second thing to rant on - my dearest classmate this year.

Most of my friends including the girl I mentioned back in the first rant have agreed with one another that this classmate of mine ain't no nice kitty to play with.

I hate to have to say this but even my other classmates find it a big problem to get along with her. =x

This classmate of mine here loves to sleep in class. She can be hot and cold. She is a hypocrite and she does not really care about your feelings all the time. Naturally, she just says what comes to mind. Funnily enough, she can still think of how you're feeling at times. She doesn't always pay attention in class because it's either sleeping or just drawing. (Oh my gosh, she will MURDER me when she sees this!) This classmate does not care much of her own health. She just drinks and eats whatever she pleases.

Oh yes, the guilt is kicking in real fast. I feel like a complete b!tch. =( Oh well, I deserved it anyways.

Continuing, this classmate sits beside me so she EXPECTS me to actually wake her up when I am busy paying attention to what the teacher is saying and what work we're supposed to be doing. What crosses the line is when she makes me her goddamn stupid alarm clock.

"Wake me up 10 minutes later."
"Give me 5 more minutes."
"Wake me up at (insert time here)."

It is absolutely useless waking her up because she continues sleeping.

After the teacher is done with the explaining or after the bell rings (or after she got scolded by the teacher), she wakes up with usually bloodshot eyes accusing me of not waking her up.

That was what ticks me off the most. I feel like punching or slapping her without a thought. THAT ought to wake her up! Hmph! *turns back pouting and fuming*

Many times I try to let her know not to keep on saying things like that and expecting me to be wonder woman doing everything for people all the time. Sadly, my weaker side just never lets me defend myself.

Wow, way to go, I really SUCK at defending. Not only defending myself but others as well. And when I DO try my best to defend, it always end up awkward or just taken as pathetic. *facepalm*

Hmm... Now I am really cracking my brain wondering what is the other thing I want to rant on.

Dang it. This time, I am sorry but I really forgotten. @.@

It is not goodbye yet though because I haven't started on what I've been doing lately. xD

Amazingly chatty today, right? (How did this happen, I wonder?)

Violin News: I finally learned left pizzicato plus bowing at the same time. Well, not exactly same time but both put together in a way. xD In the music score, there will be a "+" sign to show left pizzicato above the music notes. There are some notes without the "+" above them so it means normal bowing (most never mention the bowing direction). Gah, one of the ABRSM Grade 7 songs have that skill in it. I cannot remember the full title for the song but I remember part of the title that says "Sarasate". *shrugs*

Before I forget (Ooh, I am aging no matter how young I seem to look), I have been trying to write an incredibly good poem with the theme of love. Yes, I said that word. I actually did not plan to let any of you know the theme of the poem but oh well, must have slipped my... fingers? o.0

I have been thinking about it for months, writing over and over (all different), thinking hard of ways to change my usual boring style of writing poems. Today I finally got to make some of the poems rhyme but it just isn't long enough or good enough. I just cannot seem to feel the 'oopmh" or what people like to call "impact" from reading the poems I've tried writing.

You see, I cannot capture the actual feelings. Not sure if they can EVEN be captured but just to let you know, I won't write anything of what I haven't been through for poems. I'll save those other sort of works for the future to write. Hopefully, by then, my imagination widens.

Another topic I want to touch on before I publish this post - Teenagers I never knew existed in my country.

You've seen shopaholics (often females) shop for clothes, accessories and shoes for hours. You've seen crazy girls after brands of all sorts. In fact, those brands are so out of this world that they are not even known to me! The price must have cost a billion bodies! You've seen females crazy for the latest stuffs.

Well, whatcha waitin' for? They're in my world too! I am not just talking about the common female dogs you usually meet in my school and life but I am talking about from those common female dogs to my very own cousin(s). Brands, Parties, Showing off.... EVERYTHING! Nothing left out.

What made me realize once and for all was that I have finally come to know girls who spend hundreds over ONE dress. And, what's more shocking is that her/their mother/mothers actually bother CONSIDERING!

Not long ago, as usual, I do not know the things going on at my school but there was a party held by the Christian Fellowship or something. This girl is a cheerleader and she is graduating this year. You know about cheerleaders (sociable, popular, extremely vain, attention-seeker) ... She bought a dress that cost a hundred plus just for that one night of party. I think she bought high heels too. 2 high heels, if I have not mistaken.

That was not the end, it seems. These dresses usually need dry-cleaning. NOW, there is this prom night thingy held for the students graduating. I didn't know there's prom night held every year for those students until my pretty friend told me. This girl obviously wants to stand out and look the best.prettiest and bla bla bla so now, she goes for a great big evening gown hunt.

She went shops after shops and could find none with hundred dollars as the cheapest piece of clothing. Finally, after a VERY long time of hunting, she came upon a dress she and her sister love that cost.... *drum rolls* a whopping 400 + dollars!

Her mother considered whether to buy it for her or not. If I've not mistaken, I think her mom agrees to let her have it. *faints* With 400 dollars, you could have bought so much more... Well, who am I to say? I buy anime DVDs and books while she buys girl stuff. *shrugs*

Her mother went to the shop for wedding gowns and most probably for the flower girls and so on too. Her mom was thinking of renting one instead of always buying more dresses. Just so you know, the daughter said she wants a dress no one has seen before when her mom told her to wear the one she wore for the Christian Fellowship party (or whatever it is...)

Come on, I never knew such princess-like girls existed so close to me. Well, not THAT close but wow, I cannot get over the fact that girls in my country can be like that. Even my mom was shocked to know about it.

The mother decided not to rent the dress because the package including hair, makeup and dress cost about 320 dollars. Thing is, you cannot keep the dress!

I know I've seen many of my acquaintances wearing expensive-looking dresses but never has it ever crossed my mind that those dresses could really be what they seem to be! They all have their hair done nicely and even my pretty friend says that it is absolutely boring to not change the hairstyle. She straightened her hair months ago.

My goodness, then I must have been one hell of a boring piece of crap! I have never straightened my hair nor curled it. I never dyed my hair before and the only ways of changing hairstyle is to cut it differently but NEVER anything that stands out or look nice as other girls. You see, those hairstyles never last forever because my stubborn hair loves to go their own way.

Funny, right? I am thinking of staying far away from makeup too in the future. I just hate to turn into those type of people who rely on makeup to look good. I am also thinking of not straightening my hair because I will have to maintain it. =/ Maintaining it costs MORE money and with those money, I could have upgraded my violin once and for all (Not saying I am ready to leave Autumn anytime soon but I know upgrading is necessary now).

Of course no guys will want to get close to me because of my lack of beauty. I will just be a plain person living a plain and normal life.

It's amusing to think of how I used to think of wanting to be the prettiest girl. I used to want to be a princess as a kid. In fact, I was quite a normal person as a kid. So... WHERE did I go wrong and become this peculiar person? From WHICH part of my life did I become this anti-social who just loves to be alone yet long for certain accompany?

My pretty friend thinks she does not have enough friends even though she has billion times more friends than I do. She says she wants to change her name and be a happy, crazy and wild girl in college.

Well, go ahead, girl, because you're gonna be another fake.

I admit I tried to be a fake this year but I cannot stand faking so many smiles. I cannot hide my feelings so easily anymore.

It's much more comfortable being in my own skin anyways. Being a fake is like being a hypocrite in a way and I hate hypocrites though I'd say I can be one in a blink of an eye.

Okay, people. Thank you for having reached this far. Hope you have not snored throughout this whole ranting session. More to come for those who actually don't mind or have the patience of a God to continue reading in the future.

No hard feelings, I hope! Sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors - this lazy bum here just doesn't re-read before publishing. xD

Take care and have fun as always! ^^

This time, I am ending with a happy tone despite the post that seems to be moody and angry.

Truth is, I am not that angry as I write this post but just letting you know what sort of people are there out in this crazy world (of school).

Real Life ~ Now I Know Why

I bet that in the future, I will be able to write this kind of post again. xD 

Well, realistically, that is IF the world didn't end or IF I survived until the next time these kind of things come by again. 

Optimistically, I would repeat what my first sentence of the first paragraph said. ;) 

Whatever it is, this kind of thing will not stop until my life ends. xD Continuing, NOW I know why people have problem voicing out their emotions. 

Lately, I have problem voicing out my exact thoughts and emotions. Fine, so I ALREADY have problems voicing out my opinions in people's faces but this is a totally different story. Sorry but I am not revealing anything private today. =P 

For example, my friend, who's usually cheerful and happy-go-lucky suddenly gets moody and extremely upset one day, I have lots to say YET I cannot voice them out (Well, not ALL) for fear of ruining our friendship. I badly want to give my friend a hug BUT I worry the friend will not take it well and instead, hate me in return. Then again, knowing the kind of luck I have, I will most likely have a brain jam at that time and have absolutely nothing to say in return to cheer my friend up. 

I first saw this kind of thing happening in stories, mangas, animes and maybe even movies. Back then, scratched my head, wondering so many times why can't the person just say it out to clear things up or act it out once and for all. Now that I've been through that and in fact, am GOING through that, this is where this particular post comes in to save the world! 

Know what? I am dying to tell you what's exactly on my mind right now but I cannot bring myself to spit the truth out. Bloody problem now is that I've already been holding back for uncountable times. Does anyone here know what should I do? I have been told last month to wait for the right moment to let it all out and stop holding back. It's terribly hard and it's actually hurting me a lot. 

It pains me whenever I bite my own tongue before saying anything out loud. After all, spoken words (and probably typed/written words) CANNOT be taken back. I used to refuse to believe that they cannot be taken back but after having gone through those other "Now I know why" moments, my initial thoughts were proven wrong. I learned that when a person says something hurtful, those words cannot be taken back even if the person apologizes in the end. Of course we are all told to forgive and forget... I find forgiving easier than forgetting, to be honest. Look on the bright side, at least it is not vice versa, right? ;P 

Continuing again, even if the person apologizes and is forgiven in the end, it did not change the fact that you heard those words and had a hard time moving on. You see, this situation, I have been in for OVER 900 times! Just kidding. I've frequently been through this kind of situation but whatever happens, I end up forgiving the person most of the time. =D In some cases, I cried days after days whereas other times, I think about it over and over until I finally decide to move on. 

Like today, I cannot help feeling offended when my P.E teacher told me that I look like a naughty type of student. She started by asking me how are my studies and of course, not the type to simply lie, I took this question seriously and thought about it. In truth, I am NOT doing that well but if based on how I feel, I feel fine (Psst, this is all because I hide these bothersome worries all the way back behind my little mind!). So anyways, like I said, I told my teacher that my studies are fine. THAT was when she said something about being naughty or looking like the naughty type. 

AHEM, EXCUSE ME?! I've seen naughtier students but they end up being close to top in class! So what if I can actually be noisy? What if I can actually be naughty? What if I sometimes show my reluctance to study when a teacher comes into class? What if I sometimes show my reluctance to help a teacher (Come on, spare my already short life... Teachers love to come to me for help whether they know me or not. God, I must be a magnet for requests for help and troubles!)? *Wipes sweat* What if I rarely fought back and pissed the goddamn teachers off? What if I broke rules from time to time (those little unnecessary rules)? 

There's ALWAYS a fair payback in the end. If not by people, it is by myself, which happens so often it is happening every day. Sometimes, the person up there wants to make it SO FAIR that I got punished by others AND myself! *facepalm* Like in a recent post, I admit that I almost (if not always) blame and scold myself at all times. I often ask myself 'what if' questions regarding the things I done or said in the past and not long ago. 'What if I had not said that? Would he have been happier? Would things have turned out much happier?" "What if I had not done that? Would she have stayed on talking terms with me?" The list of questions goes on and it multiplies by the minute. xD 

I called myself all the bad names you can possibly think of. I hated myself to the extent that I'd be a perfect enemy of myself if I were to be another person. See? I don't always treat myself nicely or congratulate myself after somehow being nasty to others. 

Oh wait, have I gotten sidetracked again? As in, sidetracked BIG TIME? Lol! 

Right, back to the topic. xD Gomenasai ne... 

I literally eff my own mind wondering whether I should have said something or done something for a person. Seriously, this thing is haunting me so much that it is making me dream of it all and driving me mad - barking mad! Woof! xD 

Back to the P.E Teacher issue, I asked myself many times, "What have I ever done to make you think of me that way?" and as a result, I got sounds of crickets. There's really no answer as to why would she think of me as that sort of person. @.@ So... Maybe I shouldn't take her personally at all but since words cannot be taken back, it does not change the fact that it has hurt and offended me, By now, this issue is not the one bugging me, which is good. xD Here is a question for your readers to help answer:

Is it or is it not wise to bury oneself in work (any work, from school work to house work, to office work) to forget something and to occupy the mind?

While you're cracking your brains thinking of a wise answer, remember to take care and have fun! ^^

Real Life ~ Mini iPod Removed

I am sorry for those who actually enjoyed the Mini iPod but I realized that some people lag a lot while reading the blog and also some just cannot go to any sites with YouTube on. Dx

Oh well, if you want to know what's nice to listen to, try T.A.T.U ! I am currently obsessed with them. I like Valshe too. =P

Have been reading books lately. Actually, I have always been reading but always took time finishing a book. =S That is all because I read books that did not quite suit my taste... I read William Shakespeare and... I am sorry to say this but I prefer the anime RomeoXJuliet. The anime made more sense and it made me want the couple to come back alive more than the actual story. Sure, I ALSO want the real Romeo and Juliet to come back alive and stay together while their family get along... xD

I should be practising my violin now but I am taking this chance to remove the Mini iPod.

If you're wondering which songs are good to start with for T.A.T.U, there's always:
1. Loves Me Not
2. All The Things She Said
3. Fly On The Wall
4. All About Us
5. Gomenasai
6. How Soon Is Now?
7. Don't Regret
8. Malchik Gay/Gey
9. 30 Minutes
10. Cosmos (Outer Space)
11. 220 (Russian Version)
12. Sparks (English Version of 220)
13. Running Blind
14. Craving (I Only Want What I Can't Have)
15. Sacrifice
16. Show Me Love
17. Not Gonna Get Us
18. Friend Or Foe
19. Perfect Enemy
20. Snowfalls
21. Clowns (Can You See Me Now)
22. Stars
23. Dangerous and Moving
24. You and I
25. We Shout
26. White Robe

Actually, I am copying this list of songs from my playlist. Lol. I'd want you to start with 'Loves Me Not'. It is one of the popular songs from them.

Here are the popular ones you can easily find: (all already mentioned in previous list)
1. Loves Me Not
2. Show Me Love
3. Clowns (Can You See Me Now)
4. All The Things She Said
5. Show Me Love
6. Sacrifice
7. Friend Or Foe
8. Perfect Enemy
9. All About Us
10. How Soon Is Now?
11. 30 Minutes
12. You and I
13. Gomenasai
14. Malchik Gey/Gay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Malchik Gey/ Malchik Gay in Russian means gay guy or gay dude.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I absolutely LOVE the song "Loves Me Not" because... it means a lot to me even though I am most certainly NOT a lesbian. xD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for Valshe, you can check out every song you can find starting with "Symmetric Terget". I have no idea why is it not target but whatever it is, I think the song I like the voices. I still wonder though... Did Valshe herself sing BOTH parts?!

Besides Valshe, I like Yuya Matsushita and Aoyama Thelma.

My favorite songs from Matsushita Yuya:
1. Back To Love
2. Hallucination
AND MANY MORE~! Sadly, they're mainly in Japanese so... I cannot read 'em. Gomenasai...

As for Aoyama Thelma, my favorite song from her is "Without U". "Sweetest Sin" and "Secret Life" is good too. :D

Kana Nishino's "If" is also a great song! Once I start listening to it, I cannot stop at all...

Another song that made me rape the replay button is "Cherish" by Ai Otsuka!

Oh yeah, my all-time favorite bishounen now is Hei (Li Sheng Shun/ Lee Sheng Shun/ BK 201) from Darker Than Black and Ryuusei no Gemini. =)

The Opening song (OP) from Ryuusei no Gemini, which is "Tsukiakari no Michishirube", is a song I cannot stop listening to, just like "Blue Bird" by Ikimono Gakari.

Try listening to David Garrett. He's one heck of an awesome violinist!^^

Alright, I know I missed out mentioning billions of good songs but this is where my break from violin practice should stop for now.

Take care and have fun!^^

Real Life ~ Fluttering Heart

Fluttering heart is... QUARTER of what I'm... feeling now. Not gonna say everything but only a part of it. ;)

First off, I slept late last night (Like most nights, I cannot sleep early to try improve the skin anymore. Besides, it doesn't seem to be working and I was NEVER happy to have to sleep and waste the nights away.) knowing that I have violin lesson and should not be sleeping too late.

I woke up at 10AM instead of 9.30AM. To be honest, have been waking up at 10AM lately... For weeks already...

Practised until it was time to go. This time, I focused on the 2 songs. I LOVE "Adoration from Felix Borowski"! One of the best~ As for the other song, which is "Presto by Haydn", I don't quite like it though the CD sounded MUCH better. I have to slow the song down.

Anyways, skipping to during the violin lesson, I started out with "Adoration" and it was heaven. I am glad it didn't sound as HORRIBLE as when I first started it. I still have problem with the shifting at one part but oh well, that will eventually be solved as long as I keep on trying.

Today, people kept on coming close to watch my teacher and I play. Usually, people don't really look but this time, I think my teacher and I made more people want to learn violin. xD I saw a bunch of parents at the counter.

True enough, a parent DID ask about the violin lessons and the fees. The parent is the one whose little son learns guitar. Seeing the way the son cares for his guitar gives me the shivers. He dropped it numerous times and the poor guitar bang the couch, walls and doors as he walks around. @.@ I cannot imagine if he did the same for the violin when he takes it out or even try to tune it...

I always thought the parent had an issue with me playing/learning the violin... She and her husband (I think) stared at me when I got out of the music room. My class just ended and it was a great song and a great lesson that day. Thought they didn't think so. (>.<)

Today, the parent asked my mom how old I am and whether I started from young. This is where my heart 'fluttered' because the parent told my mom she thinks I play well.

Where's the holy light? I can feel it comin'! Have been extremely frustrated lately so I keep thinking of how bad I am doing... So every compliment means a lot to me and shall be appreciated! This is the first time a stranger complimented after watching me play live despite the mistakes made. ^^

I hope that days like these keep on coming. :D

Oh, know what's funny? I had more things to say but I forgotten. Lol.

But~ I remember to wish you readers to have fun and take a good care of yourself! ;P

Real Life ~ Forgotten Things To Say

Gomenasai ne... (Sorry)

I forgotten to say something I promised to mention from the previous post. Lol.

See? It doesn't matter if I am a kid, teenager, young adult or not because we're ALL aging! ;P

As for the people who are not nice in the tuition, they're both guys and girls.

They laughed at me whenever I made a mistake or say something wrong. Even if I read what the teacher told me to, they like to laugh. They just HAVE to find something funny!

The girls only talk to me or be nice to me when they need to ask for something. I used to think 2 certain girls were my friends. But one day, I realized one of them weren't. And RECENTLY, I realized that other friend also cannot be called a friend anymore. They always pestered me, asking me for answers. Can't they see I also DON'T EFFING KNOW HOW TO DO?! You DON'T see me asking people how to do, right? You DON'T see me trying to sneak a peek at answers, right?

Sheesh, just admit it, it ain't exam. What have you lose there even if you're wrong? I got almost everything wrong sometimes and do you see me want to copy answers the next time? Sure, I don't like being wrong and sometimes I want to copy answers but I refuse to lose to that temptation.

ESPECIALLY EXAMS! My classmates (the girls) just LOVE to ask me for answers. Well, eff that because I DON'T EFFING KNOW THE ANSWERS EITHER! I hate how I had to purposely sleep even though I cannot even sleep a wink. Oh, guess what? They STILL have the guts to ask me last minute before passing the papers up.

I felt as if I wasted time TRYING to sleep!

Sorry, sidetracked again. Lol.

It's just that they treat pretty girls with more respect. They don't simply go laughing at pretty girls in a mean way.

Gah, I got distracted somehow by something. Haha...

Whatever it is, I just cannot stop thinking that people are like that these days. They all judge people by their looks (as in pretty or not).

They see pretty girls, they go, "*whistles* Woah! Must check her out. Be nice to her. First impressions and all that sh*t!"

They see plain or boring nerdy girls like me, they go, "BLEH! What did you come out from? A drain? Must make you help me hook up with that pretty girl over there! Hope you're her best friend. Oh, girls love to hug each other and stuff right? Maybe they don't need to be friends to help me out! Woo hoo!"

Well, not LITERALLY always like that for the plain or boring nerdy girls. But close enough. xD

Alright, the end of rant part number 2 for today! >=D

Take care and have fun anyways. xD

Real Life ~ Some Stuff To Say

I admit this will probably be another one of those short posts.

This post will be about my recent life. It's not all that interesting but it's still quite hectic. Well, to me, deep inside, it's so hectic I want to freak out BIG TIME. ;P

The AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) is the same as always so there's nothing much to talk about it. After all, I STILL feel extremely U.G.L.Y! And... I still seem to like isolating myself. Funnily enough, I grew to love my own company but I still HATE awkward moments. Here's a fine example, my friend and I were about to go to the Physics lab. My other 2 friends just left the class and I have no one else to talk to since my friend left me to go speak with her best friends. The teacher already started teaching and I was sure many were wondering this, "Poor thing, no friend...", "The anti-social...", "She's in the way... What an eyesore... So goddamn ugly and nerdy... UGH! Get out of the class and stop being so SAD and PITIFUL!" I really felt like ditching my friend like how she ditched me everytime she sees her best friends. I RATHER go to the goddamn lab alone even if all eyes would be on me and sniggering because I was late.

This has been happening recently and it sorta bites at me inside, making me feel down for some time. You see, this friend of mine is the prettiest girl in my class. Like what another girl classmate of mine told me, that pretty friend of mine turns every guy's head around to take a second and possibly billion more looks at her. Sure, she ain't the prettiest girl in the world but with the choices they have in my class (we only have 9 girls - this much, I can say), she's the only girl they will want to stare or ogle at during lessons when they are around.

Sorry, distracted. Lol. So anyways, the guys in my class keeps on playing truth or dare and then everytime they pick a dare, they make bets involving money and make a guy do something to or with my pretty friend. It's nothing serious so far, if that's what you're concerned about. They make the same guy hold hands with her, get her to join the truth or dare and possibly touch her hair or something. I don't know about the last one they had a bet on though.

I know that it's not fun to be in my pretty friend's shoes in that kind of situation but... something keeps niggling at me, making me realize that it means I am not pretty and they don't even dare to talk to me. It's like I am not pretty enough to be played around with. They won't even give me a second look, I am sure.

You may think I am a hateful person for admitting this but... I cannot help laughing at the things they say when they kept on insisting on the guy to do what he was dared to. Don't you think it's fair enough in a way when she laughs at me whenever some bad things happen to me? Just saying this to give you another thought. After all, *says bitterly* EVERYONE will give her a second thought! Or, maybe I was wrong after all - They all like her so much that they don't even need to think!

Sorry, I have an issue with these kinds of things regarding looks (the awful proof that I really have AvPD - can't seem to think up WHY AvPD of all disorders but oh well).

Today is a funny day though. I thought I have BM tuition but when I walked into the tuition centre, the people told me that it had been cancelled. I was stunned. Well, I should be having a parade because these were the words I wanted to hear for a very long time. (Oh c'mon, I am a normal student who knows when to be lazy but I won't mind going if nicer people were there... Will get onto that matter later on)

So I smiled and assured the people that I don't need a lift back home. I enjoyed my walk back. It was quite a walk but I somehow got home pretty fast. I felt fresh even though I was kinda sweaty when I returned. Mom was shocked when she saw me back. She said I was damn fast to have walked back. I guess I power-walked back home. Lol.

I also have this issue that makes me anxious at most times. I will keep on forcing myself to do something I have no mood for just to feel productive and that I have not wasted time. If I DID waste time (which I did on Tuesday and other times), I will keep on feeling frustrated but this will eventually end.

So... I keep on making myself write. I love writing after all... As long as I have notes to copy though... Not things that make me think effing hard. Funnily enough, I don't hate Additonal Mathematics for making me screw my own tiny brain.

Lately, I just wrote this essay that sorta has something to do with my real life and it is the part of my real life that I desperately (not really THAT desperate) want to hide from many people.

I didn't reveal any names in the essay and I want to know what my English teacher thinks about it. I want to know if I am capable of writing essays without using names or nicknames.

Gotta say something though... I will NOT be able to move on from the harsh words if the teacher ended up hating the essay I wrote. See? Another AvPD symptom. I just cannot take criticism easily. I will only accept those kinder constructive criticism.

Sigh, this is not a good trait to have but... I seriously TRIED to accept them with arms wide open and seriously TRIED to accept them with my mind wide open. I get depressed for some time just from repeating what people said in my buzzing mind.

What a terrible truth about me, huh? You're probably thinking what a bad person I am. Ugly inside and outside. =(

Hey, if you DO hate me for who I am now, you're not alone because I really do call myself a 'female dog' and I OFTEN (like always) think back of what I done or said and then HATE myself for them all.

Ugh, my heart really physically ached for a moment after writing these. (>.
One more thing that's been making me desperate to write stories and so on:
I just love being in my own fantasy world where things go the way I want to and people say things I want to hear. It's not wrong to fantasize, 'kay?

It's actually also a reason why I love writing scripts. People say things that I want them to say. Even if the things they say to the main character of the story aren't nice, I am still glad to get to control "people" for a moment. After all, I live my life being a puppet.

Believe me, it's not always a sob story to be such a puppet but I have my moments too... Just not all that many of them. *Gives a sad smile*

Whatever. Bye, people, for now. I am dying to write more but I cannot seem to find anything to say now.

Have fun and take care! Do that for moi~ ;)