Real Life ~ Circle

Caption: That's right, it's a circle. As if you do not know.

One whole big round to find that I am back to almost where I thought things started, I guess...? xD

A deep breath (actually more than one because I have breathing difficulties but oh well *shrugs*).

Move on.

Moving on.

Look forward and march (or walk?).

Don't look anywhere but straight ahead - unless to stop by and help people in trouble.

I am guessing you'll all be thinking Goodness, what is with all these lines of random words? to yourself.


Frankly speaking, it's what I am trying my best to do as tough as it would be. I do not know why but I sure feel much more positive as compared to these few days. Things obviously won't stay like this for long but I am glad to see how things have been getting better despite some more unnecessary (or necessary) drama.

There are quite a few changes as to how I will be trying to live my life from now on. I am looking forward to all of it.

I will be trying again to seek for the help I should have been getting right from the start - or at least years ago.

*shrugs* Hey, look on the bright side. At least I am doing something about my problems.  =)

Sure, I am still human and nothing can change human nature.

Humans are not exactly beautiful creatures inside and outside...

*rolls eyes at the previous line* You don't say. xD

Whatever it is, I will forever be learning about everything every single day.  

Woah, what's with the repetition of ever / every?

I actually put those words in italic. =x

Definitely very random today. *facepalm*

As usual, take care and have fun, everyone! ^^

Real Life ~ Where Did Justice Go?

What happened to justice?

I wish I can tell you everything that I have gone through for the past few weeks - or the past few months, to be exact, but from what I will be talking about later on in this post, I bet you can pretty much tell what happened to me.

What is patience when it has been taken too far? Cowardice.

Here is a quote I have recently read from a book:

“Patience has its limits; take it too far and it is cowardice.”

Whoever came up with this saying sure made a hell of a lot of sense. Pardon my language.

You see, I never understood what this quote meant until this very thing happened to me and it taught me what many others may not be able to learn throughout their whole life.

How is it fair for the innocent to receive all the punishments while the actual culprit lives a carefree life?

A girl who has literally lost almost all of her confidence and self-esteem receives all the punishments instead of the boy who abused her.

The boy not only forced her to do things she did not want to but also kept spreading dark and sinful thoughts of  the world to corrupt her already-confused mind.

The girl truly tried hard to be the best partner and friend to him but he just did not notice because his mind was already clouded with impaired judgement of the world. He tried to teach her to lie and be cunning to survive.

On the other hand, he told her to live happily by always doing as one pleases.

What a hypocrite! How is it possible to properly enjoy life if one is so fixated on deceiving and getting what one wants the illegal or morally wrong way?

If each and every one of us lies our way to achieve "success", then we can neither trust each other nor fully be satisfied with our own "achievement" anymore.

Should the worst-case scenario ever happen, how are we to trust our very own family members? Anyone could have easily back stabbed us!

In the end, when the girl finally got the courage to tell her parents, the boy's parents were not one bit sorry for anything and treated the whole case as if nothing mattered instead.

Things did not end just like that. The boy, regardless the number of times he apologized, could say otherwise behind the girl's back. The boy did not even feel bad and refused to pay for what he has done.  

Most of the adults did not even handle this matter properly. When the girl took the courage to tell her friends and relatives, only a handful stayed by her side.

The rest of her "friends" have let her down and proved their inferior quality of friendship along with their astounding ignorance.

Why should the girl face all of these troubles when she did nothing wrong?

She risked almost everything to warn people but why should her "friends" avoid her instead?

What is this world coming to?

Justice and injustice. What is the point of having these antonymous words when justice is not done?

These "friends" have fallen into this beast's trap...

People, take care and do try to have fun THE LEGAL AND MORALLY RIGHT WAY.

Real Life ~ Conclusion Made Due To A Fractured Foot

I removed my cast 6 weeks after fracturing it on a Friday morning.

Ever since then, I was shocked to find out about more things.

Before I start this speech as a conclusion, I would like to mention how surprised I was to see that my fractured foot was not scaly or as terrifyingly flaky as my friends and grandmother told me to expect. When the doctor removed the cast, the skin was pretty dry, incredibly red and still swollen. I was told not to put too much weight on the foot yet so I still need to rely on the crutches to move about, much to my dismay. At the same time, I wished that my doctor had not given me false hope of being able to walk straight away. I have already guessed that I would need crutches. He said I did not need an X-ray and would be able to walk after removing the cast. Oh well, I was still glad to know I can start walking again without the cast getting in the way.

CORRECTION - one thing that shocked me the most was the pain of having to learn to walk again. When I failed to walk for the first week our of the 2 weeks I was given by the doctor, I was devastated! I had to literally learn to walk again. My walking was nothing but leaning to one side. Sometimes left and sometimes right since I have injured the right foot. I fractured the 5th metatarsal. The part near the little toe. You will not believe the pain after removing the cast. I was hoping that it would not hurt so much. I was terribly wrong because I realized that the cast was somewhat like a cocoon or something that's solid and able to protect. Maybe a shock-absorber instead of only keeping the bones in place.

It hardly hurt when the cast was on. Compared to the pain now that the cast is no longer on, I feel pain every single day. Oh well, it is nothing compared to what others have to go through. I will be getting on to that part later.

Starting my conclusion, I apologize first for being so long-winded!

From what I have learned throughout my recovery, I must admit that my eyes have finally been forced open a whole lot bigger.

I now know what it feels like to be an invalid. I am a temporary invalid as I should be able to walk one day, albeit probably not like one who has never fractured/broken (these two words mean the same thing, by the way) because I'll be stiffer than the rest. Anyways, as I was saying, I now know how it feels like to use the crutches and sitting in a wheelchair.

I have to admit that I absolutely LOATHE the attention! The stares, the mumblings, the looks of disgust, the laughing and the horrible looks I receive throughout the entire recovery were enough to completely shatter what little confidence and already low self-esteem I have left. I do not get why people find it so fascinating that someone needed crutches to walk or a wheelchair to move about. It is just so RUDE to stare! I have half the mind to give them a piece of my mind or stick a notice on the side of the wheelchair.

Sure, you may easily say not to give a damn about those load of garbage but for a person like me, it just was not as simple as that. I had hard time enjoying because I had no guts to look right back at them. I simply stared into space and forced a smile to show I am not mad at being in a wheelchair.

I have to say I did not enjoy needing to trouble people and depend on them. Bathing, wearing clothes, getting things, putting things back, bending down, sitting and other basic things we take for granted suddenly became a challenge. They became something so risky because I could have fallen down and added more injuries. Well, I actually DID fall down on my way getting to my classroom. People gathered around and made it a big deal but only a few actually bothered helping me get back up.

As I have said before from the previous post, this whole experience made me realize who are the truly kindhearted and compassionate people. So in this case, out in the public, I came to notice true human nature. More like I have gotten a glimpse of true human nature.

These things happened and they are not made up! My family and I went shopping. We were about to use a lift and other people wanted to use the lift as well. Thing is, the other person was on crutches because he only has one leg. I could see how selfish and inconsiderate a person could be when a normal guy with a pair of good legs insisted on riding the lift with us. He had a huge trolley with him. I was in a wheelchair and of course I cannot be pushed any further in than I already am so the other guy with one leg was unfortunately the one who had to give space... He almost fell backwards but his girlfriend (I think) supported him. I was incredibly pissed at the guy for going in with his trolley. He has eyes like us and good legs like the rest apart from the guy and I so what made him so dumb and blind that day?

We have so many physically normal people who are actually somewhat dumb and blind. I came to see how selfish people can get when recently, I went to another shopping complex. People had no patience that they barge into the lift without so much as batting an eye. Even knowing that an invalid who cannot be in crowds like them when getting in or out the lift, they insist on fighting with an invalid. I had almost been pushed down or tripped numerous times. It was not like I could not wait but the people kept appearing out of nowhere.

Barely a handful of people actually sympathize or understand. I know this may sound wrong but I am glad that I was not the only one in a wheelchair or with crutches. Needing these two things to help me move about made me realize how many others were going through the same thing as well. Most of them are senior citizens though. Only one disabled child was in a wheelchair. One young man was in a wheelchair. He looked totally fine to me. We saw one another in a bookshop. He looked up from his book and saw me. We smiled. I would like to think it was because it is comforting to know that we are not alone amongst the able people surrounding us who are unable to fully understand us. I have also seen 2 people with only one leg. They never sit in a wheelchair but use crutches instead.

All because of them not relying on wheelchairs, I truly admire them for their strength to carry on. Using crutches can truly hurt your armpits and skin. After one day of using it, my skin was extremely sore and red. So close to bleeding that it was then when I really want to say something to encourage them and express my admiration. They used the crutches like it was nothing and entirely normal. For those wheelchair-bound, I also want to express my admiration. They obviously did not ask for this kind of life but all or most of them conquered the rude stares that people cannot help giving.

For normal kids who can walk and are hyperactive like they usually are, they stood or sat in a trolley and actually got their parents to let them sit in a BIGGER trolley! They DO NOT NEED the trolley! They have good legs and need no assistance. Shame on them and the parents.

What with experiencing all of this,  I learn that it is not always worth working too hard sometimes. I tried my best to improve myself and push myself to be someone I am not comfortable being. I rushed myself to complete every task thrown at me. I worry too much about what others think and do too much to be who they expect me to be. What did I get in the end? The subject I purposely stayed for after fracturing the foot in the morning did not help much because the teachers of those subjects I stayed for were the very ones who kept complaining about the classroom being moved downstairs and so on. I realized that they hardly care if I can no longer walk. They just wanted what was convenient for them to teach so that the students can do well and so that they won't lose their jobs nor have their 'image' tarnished. Whatever. Was it worth fracturing my foot and going through all these things for? No. NOT.AT.ALL! They are not even worth the medical fees my parents have to pay for!

I will still want to do all of the above things I learned not to do but I'll always have my fractured foot to remind me because it seems like even after recovering and being able to walk again, the pain will still be there time and time again. Besides, I may not be able to crouch nor run as fast as before.

So please, everyone, take very good care of yourselves and have fun at the same time WITHOUT injuring someone else - especially invalids. Remember none of us asked for these things to happen.

Also, I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes because I am getting incredibly tired now.

Take extra care and have fun again!  

Real Life ~ Blessing in Disguise?

It has been like forever since the last time I've ever posted anything.

Sorry, everyone!

Truth is, I have lots to say and have never stopped thinking of what to post on the blog. I even think up of titles but as usual, with my horrendous memory, I cannot even recall the last title I've made up just today or a few days ago when I have frequently been thinking of the exact same thing .

For a couple of times, I actually tried posting but as I was typing, I just stopped halfway and ended up deleting the entire post.

I had a reason for being like that and if my memory serves me right, I think I have mentioned in previous posts before to explain why I do that from time to time.

For a start, I have finally upgraded my violin. My violin teacher had been complaining about my precious Autumn Etude for being a beginner violin with a lousy bow. The first lesson I took from him, he was pretty surprised by the unexpectedly and fairly good sound coming from 'a violin like that'. No doubt that Autumn is loud and to my ears, sounds clear (when not played too fast) and somewhat 'straightforward'. 'Straightforward' because the sound just reminds me of a straight line most of the time. For example, when I tune my violin before playing, the first note makes me think of that. I feel as if a subtle, straight line is guiding me...

Whoops, must have sounded insane to you.

It all started with Autumn's bow. One Saturday, I didn't have violin lesson on that day. It was in the morning or close to the afternoon when I decided to play the violin before taking my bath like any other day. The moment I was tightening the bow, I heard an odd sound to find the frog screw my right hand was holding on to so loose that the entire thing could be taken out. The horse hair felt as if the entire thing could drop off with the thing that's keeping all of them in place.

Stunned and yet not so surprised, I recovered after standing there for awhile staring at the bow. I tried to put the screw back in.

The frog screw remained loose and it kept dropping out. It just had nothing to grip on to anymore...

At that time, you know what? I was screwed. xD

I had no choice but to inform my parents... I was supposed to take a bath before meeting up with my friends to hang out.

My parents took me to a violin shop to upgrade the violin. Might as well upgrade to a new violin since I'll be getting another bow as well as a 'more suitable' violin.

I tried out some violins with my not-so-very-pleasant violin playing. You see, at that time, I had not been playing the violin for days so I was kind of rusty... xD

I had initially chosen one that brought me to paradise. The first note I played was so nice that I wanted to play more and 'get to know more about that violin'. =x (Yes, I agree I sound creepy if not weird since I treat violins like individuals)

Problem with the violin I liked first was the price. The budget was 800 dollars but it was 3000 dollars.

I know that 800 dollars to buy a violin that can cover Grade 8 songs is just the same as dreaming but I was not the one paying so I had no right to insist on that violin.

In the end, I settled with one that's 850 dollars. The salesperson replaced the originally lousy rosin for a better one. He changed all strings to Dominant strings and let me have the entire set for free besides promising the next service free of charge. With that, I will know that I can bring my bow for him to fix. I was so curious to know what could be done to fix the problem with the frog screw.

I don't know much about violin bows... Neither do I know much about how fine tuners and tail piece work.

On that day, before my parents paid for the new violin, there were 2 other people who just came. A girl was buying a huge red and solid violin case. There was a guy with her.

The guy suddenly came over to me and asked me about joining the orchestra. I was slightly surprised by his sudden questions.

He eventually introduced himself and the girl. He's from SKOC (Selangor KL Orchestra and Choir) and he wanted me to join them. I was excited and too happy to believe such a thing can happen to me! I never believe myself to be good enough to join an orchestra. Okay, so he did tell me to try out different types of music but I never thought I'd ever be good enough to begin with. I still find it hard to believe my luck! Even when my violin teacher told me to join the orchestra, I never believe him because he could easily change his opinions the next week.

Sadly, I can only join them after my major exam this year... Maybe next year... Sigh.

It is one of the few things I actually look forward to now. Just something to keep me going on before actually attempting suicide, you know?

Moving on, I have another thing I have been wanting to say. This happened the starting of this month.

Guess what? I fractured my right foot.

All because I was rushing out of class to get to the Physics Lab.

Stupid, right?

I was punishing and blaming myself as usual for slacking even when others think I haven't been slacking. It was my way of repenting.

I have learnt a lot from one simple thing like fracturing my foot. I now know how it feels like to use crutches and be in a wheelchair.

I gotta say it's not all very simple and I feel awful for holding so many people back and troubling them.

By fracturing my foot, I got to see who are the compassionate people. Who are the good people and true friends, I can finally see.

With this fracture, I feel that I'm getting closer to my mother since she's usually home and there to help me. I get to tell her some things I never realize I have trouble opening up.

Well, maybe I ALREADY knew I had that trouble, which I recall repeating the question "You never say what you wanted to all the time so why don't you open up?". One of the answers to that question would be because I am afraid of the trouble caused and the money my parents will need to fork out for counseling or anything else...

It's almost 2AM... I better go before my mother really kills me - fractured foot or not! No mercy! xD

Take care and have fun as always, readers! =)

Real Life ~ Floodgate Of Tears

That's right... You didn't read anything wrong and this is not a happy story... (yet? - Oh, look! A small sense of optimism!) xD

I seriously do not know what has gotten into me lately but I just keep on troubling about the future and how my results for the major exams will turn out. It started off especially ever since the one-week holiday began.

Things have not been so well before the holidays and I suppose I must have let these things gotten the best of me. I have had about a couple or more nightmares in that one week. Oh well, not like it's the worst thing ever as long as I am not having them every single night like years back. =x

Maybe I'd cried during that one week of holiday but what I remember the most was holding back tears.

To be honest, I'd been holding back tears every now and then whenever a pang of depressing thoughts hit me, reminding me about reality.

School started out just like normal and was in fact alright (including those depressing thoughts that come and go) after the holidays but then those thoughts started to bug me more and more. They still annoy me... This loud voice just keeps telling me to give up, that whatever I do is never right no matter how I try to fix it, that I stay ugly no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise every single day, that I am extremely ignorant and slow-witted, that I am a truly bad person no matter how often I try to be nice to others, that I do not deserve anything good and have no right to take anything good from others...

I absolutely let those vile words/thoughts get to me on Wednesday. Tremendously disappointed in myself, tears just kept streaming down my face and I could not even wipe them all in time. You see, I was trying to keep the crying down so that my parents do not find out and start interrogating me. I could not risk stuffing my face with the handkerchief in case my parents or one of them walked in at the wrong time...

The very next day, I received a really bad news and not wanting the entire class to see me crying, I held them back the best I could but failed to keep some tears from falling. No one said anything about those silent tears so I kept trying to appear happy. I am actually terrible at pretending to be happy and faking smiles but I can't keep on appearing weak...

Unfortunately, another teacher broke the same bad news to me and at the wrong moment, my friend turned back to tell me she understood how I feel. I could not hold back my tears in time so when I faked a smile, that was when my tears betrayed me.

So I guess I could not stop after that. The teacher caught me crying and the whole class knew even though I kept as silent as possible. Just as I was about to end the waterworks, they started as soon as I've stopped. I was feeling really awful besides feeling ugly. I really did not want to look at anyone and vice versa.

Thank you to those who have tried to help me! I truly do...

It's just that I already know and to repeat over and over didn't help one bit. Same goes to reminding me just when I only wanted to forget it. That's right, I want to punch myself for saying that!

Do I get help from the school counselor? Do I get help from my tuition teacher - who may be able to help a lot as well?

Questions after questions just keep being thrown at me and I wonder how long will these depressing thoughts stay. Time and time again, I'll start being like this but I do wonder whether times like this will become permanent one day... =S

Before I end this post, I've been thinking that my existence is a burden to everyone besides a huge obstacle. Should I not have been alive in the first place?

Take care and have fun anyways, people~!

Real Life ~ Closer and Closer...to Square One!

Hey there, it has been an extremely long time since I have last updated this blog. I honestly wanted to update more often but since I have always been coming up with depressing posts, I did not want to continue boring everyone to death...

So, I was thinking of only posting something when I have finally come to a good conclusion as to where I would be heading in life. Which course(s) to take? Which college and/or university to go for? What part-time jobs to try out if I am allowed to? The list goes on (as usual)...

Life had been pretty peaceful on the outside... By "on the outside", I meant that others seem to think I have it all easy. Heck, maybe I really AM somewhat sick in the head and deluded myself into thinking that I am living in a world of hardship (and yet still know others are suffering more than me). Since I know that others are suffering more than me, I started thinking of how weak and ungrateful I really am. There will always be someone who is suffering more than me. I cannot even begin to imagine who in this world suffers or suffered the most! After thinking of that, I think of what I should do to punish myself for having thought of how miserable I felt when others are suffering out there. AGAIN, after thinking of that, I think of how unfair it is to always think of others and how they are suffering more than I am.

Ever since school started and something really upsetting happened on the first week of January (it was a Thursday), everything that has been niggling me suddenly became so real. Since there are so many, it was so overwhelming that my tears did not stop until I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning (Friday - another day of school), I continued after I woke up. It did not end until my school finally ended. You may find this really dramatic or exaggerated but my eyes were really sore and they became kinda puffy... My eyes have never hurt that much before from crying! It was like the longest cry ever and it was sort of funny how there was a part 2, which was the next day. =x

When people mention the word "stress" and "money" (especially "stress"), I start to want to get all teary. It may not work all the time but when talked a lot about it, there is no doubt that I will most probably start the waterworks again even though I am pretty numb from all that crying right now...

Actually, I cried a little bit yesterday but I would not count that at all. As for today's, I would not count it either. xD

I have decided to try seeking help from the school counselor. That is like the last thing I would do to get help! See how desperate I got? I worry they demand money, take my lesson time or inform my parents...

Oh well, that's the only conclusion I have come to in the end... Can that be the first step I'm taking to get used to this life?

Take care and have fun, people! ;)