That's right... You didn't read anything wrong and this is not a happy story... (yet? - Oh, look! A small sense of optimism!) xD
I seriously do not know what has gotten into me lately but I just keep on troubling about the future and how my results for the major exams will turn out. It started off especially ever since the one-week holiday began.
Things have not been so well before the holidays and I suppose I must have let these things gotten the best of me. I have had about a couple or more nightmares in that one week. Oh well, not like it's the worst thing ever as long as I am not having them every single night like years back. =x
Maybe I'd cried during that one week of holiday but what I remember the most was holding back tears.
To be honest, I'd been holding back tears every now and then whenever a pang of depressing thoughts hit me, reminding me about reality.
School started out just like normal and was in fact alright (including those depressing thoughts that come and go) after the holidays but then those thoughts started to bug me more and more. They still annoy me... This loud voice just keeps telling me to give up, that whatever I do is never right no matter how I try to fix it, that I stay ugly no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise every single day, that I am extremely ignorant and slow-witted, that I am a truly bad person no matter how often I try to be nice to others, that I do not deserve anything good and have no right to take anything good from others...
I absolutely let those vile words/thoughts get to me on Wednesday. Tremendously disappointed in myself, tears just kept streaming down my face and I could not even wipe them all in time. You see, I was trying to keep the crying down so that my parents do not find out and start interrogating me. I could not risk stuffing my face with the handkerchief in case my parents or one of them walked in at the wrong time...
The very next day, I received a really bad news and not wanting the entire class to see me crying, I held them back the best I could but failed to keep some tears from falling. No one said anything about those silent tears so I kept trying to appear happy. I am actually terrible at pretending to be happy and faking smiles but I can't keep on appearing weak...
Unfortunately, another teacher broke the same bad news to me and at the wrong moment, my friend turned back to tell me she understood how I feel. I could not hold back my tears in time so when I faked a smile, that was when my tears betrayed me.
So I guess I could not stop after that. The teacher caught me crying and the whole class knew even though I kept as silent as possible. Just as I was about to end the waterworks, they started as soon as I've stopped. I was feeling really awful besides feeling ugly. I really did not want to look at anyone and vice versa.
Thank you to those who have tried to help me! I truly do...
It's just that I already know and to repeat over and over didn't help one bit. Same goes to reminding me just when I only wanted to forget it. That's right, I want to punch myself for saying that!
Do I get help from the school counselor? Do I get help from my tuition teacher - who may be able to help a lot as well?
Questions after questions just keep being thrown at me and I wonder how long will these depressing thoughts stay. Time and time again, I'll start being like this but I do wonder whether times like this will become permanent one day... =S
Before I end this post, I've been thinking that my existence is a burden to everyone besides a huge obstacle. Should I not have been alive in the first place?
Take care and have fun anyways, people~!
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