Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Real Life~ A Fear So Strong
It took me approximately 16 years to realize this fear or more like, think clearly what I'm really scared of all along.
Of course, like many others, we are afraid of all sorts of things. Many of us share the same fear whether they are common or not.
Today, I have to attend my tuition and it will be the last for this month.
Last week, my friend didn't come but instead, a different friend whom I thought was really my friend (she ended up using me or maybe I thought too much?) sat next to me.
We talked a lot but what we talked about consists of me mainly 'translating' the word for her long essay. She kept on looking at my essay to get an idea on how to write. I'm not trying to be a snob or anything. If the teacher gave me a boring title, I'd definitely be in her shoes - just that I wouldn't want to ask anyone but treat it like an exam instead.
So anyways, it is really different being with the 'another friend' and my new friend whom I seem to be able to talk a lot to.
Well, I suppose I cannot really say she's a new friend anymore since we've known each other for months already. It just amazes me how possible it was for me to find someone whom I can really relate to and not suddenly stop talking another week.
Some people are like that. Ever since I've met her, I didn't get the chance to read a book or write stuff in my "Tuition Journal" anymore. It's not a bad thing but I sure wasn't used to it at the start.
The truth is, I worry that one day, she and I will have nothing to talk about anymore and that she'll think I'm so boring that she'll eventually leave me.
So today, when we didn't really get the chance to talk much, this fear started spreading through me... I worry that she'll finally think of how WEIRD I really am.... Like as if I have 2 different personalities...
Here's my fear: Meeting a great friend whom I will eventually lose.
You can say I am afraid of losing people whom I love(not necessarily romantically!), care about and are close to me. Dx
Anyone else have this fear? =S
Take care and have fun anyways~!^^
Of course, like many others, we are afraid of all sorts of things. Many of us share the same fear whether they are common or not.
Today, I have to attend my tuition and it will be the last for this month.
Last week, my friend didn't come but instead, a different friend whom I thought was really my friend (she ended up using me or maybe I thought too much?) sat next to me.
We talked a lot but what we talked about consists of me mainly 'translating' the word for her long essay. She kept on looking at my essay to get an idea on how to write. I'm not trying to be a snob or anything. If the teacher gave me a boring title, I'd definitely be in her shoes - just that I wouldn't want to ask anyone but treat it like an exam instead.
So anyways, it is really different being with the 'another friend' and my new friend whom I seem to be able to talk a lot to.
Well, I suppose I cannot really say she's a new friend anymore since we've known each other for months already. It just amazes me how possible it was for me to find someone whom I can really relate to and not suddenly stop talking another week.
Some people are like that. Ever since I've met her, I didn't get the chance to read a book or write stuff in my "Tuition Journal" anymore. It's not a bad thing but I sure wasn't used to it at the start.
The truth is, I worry that one day, she and I will have nothing to talk about anymore and that she'll think I'm so boring that she'll eventually leave me.
So today, when we didn't really get the chance to talk much, this fear started spreading through me... I worry that she'll finally think of how WEIRD I really am.... Like as if I have 2 different personalities...
Here's my fear: Meeting a great friend whom I will eventually lose.
You can say I am afraid of losing people whom I love(not necessarily romantically!), care about and are close to me. Dx
Anyone else have this fear? =S
Take care and have fun anyways~!^^
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Real Life ~ Tear-stained Violinist
Once upon a time, there lived an air-headed girl who wanted nothing but to play the violin. She started loving the violin at the age of 14. She began violin lessons at the age of 15 because her partly strict parents finally allowed her to tread on the unexpectedly thorny, tearful yet overwhelmingly joyful and inspiring path of music.
At the start, she only wanted to play the violin for fun. She never had big dreams of joining the orchestra.
After months of playing the violin, her not-a-secret-anymore dream of playing in an orchestra popped up in her simple mind. She really wanted to be serious in music even if it meant that she will have to take exams and learn theory.
Sadly, she did not come from a wealthy family. She came from an average and partly strict family. Even so, she still felt like a caged bird. She wanted a bit more freedom.
Time after time, she got upset because she could not attend her violin lessons without listening to complaints coming from one of her parents.
Her frail heart could not take it easily the day one of her parents told her she cannot upgrade her violin because "she was not serious and that playing the violin was only a hobby".
On the same day, she cried while playing her violin. 3 tear drops were seen on her violin after one song. She cried loudly but did not care about it because her beloved violin sung loudly. She admitted that she didn't play well while crying but she recalled not being able to play properly at all the last time she cried while playing the violin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Right, I'll spill the beans.
That air-headed girl was referring to me.
That was what happened to me today.
Yes, I cried during my violin practice. The first note of 'Adoration' by Felix Borowski was the moment I couldn't hold on to my tears any longer.
I wiped my violin after playing that song though...(Well, of course I have to)
I'm fine now anyways. =)
Take care and have fun, everyone~!^^
At the start, she only wanted to play the violin for fun. She never had big dreams of joining the orchestra.
After months of playing the violin, her not-a-secret-anymore dream of playing in an orchestra popped up in her simple mind. She really wanted to be serious in music even if it meant that she will have to take exams and learn theory.
Sadly, she did not come from a wealthy family. She came from an average and partly strict family. Even so, she still felt like a caged bird. She wanted a bit more freedom.
Time after time, she got upset because she could not attend her violin lessons without listening to complaints coming from one of her parents.
Her frail heart could not take it easily the day one of her parents told her she cannot upgrade her violin because "she was not serious and that playing the violin was only a hobby".
On the same day, she cried while playing her violin. 3 tear drops were seen on her violin after one song. She cried loudly but did not care about it because her beloved violin sung loudly. She admitted that she didn't play well while crying but she recalled not being able to play properly at all the last time she cried while playing the violin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Right, I'll spill the beans.
That air-headed girl was referring to me.
That was what happened to me today.
Yes, I cried during my violin practice. The first note of 'Adoration' by Felix Borowski was the moment I couldn't hold on to my tears any longer.
I wiped my violin after playing that song though...(Well, of course I have to)
I'm fine now anyways. =)
Take care and have fun, everyone~!^^
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Dreams~ Overseas
This is just what I dreamt of last night and I hope you know that I am not writing this to offend or badmouth anything and anyone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm finally studying in UK! I am really happy and excited. People around me are cautious though... That is because it seems like some sort of riot has been going on recently...
My mom and I were walking around in a city, exploring the wonderful country. Despite our enthusiasm, we had to be careful because of the reason mentioned earlier.
At first, I didn't feel scared or worried at all but as we walked, fear started spreading through my body, causing my nerves to be tense. The fear made me shudder at times. The slightest noise might have made me jump.
We were approaching a park but I sensed that something wasn't right. We had to walk along this extremely narrow railings to get to the park. The grass was really green and healthy. The Sun was out too but surprisingly, it didn't make us all sweat or complain about the heat. The next bit here really caught us unaware...We saw a lion. That's right, a lion. A FREAKING lion! Not caged, not tied up - entirely free, and if both of us are stupid enough, we'd walk closer towards the park and get gobbled up before we know it.
We froze for a moment. After a few seconds, I turned back and pushed mom to quickly move. She argued with me that I could have just went out from the front as I was already near the end of where the railings stopped for people to enter the park. I was like, "Are you CRAZY?! The lion will definitely see us!"
We argued more as we ran for our lives. We tried to run to the other end of the park in order to get to where we were heading. I wasn't sure where mom wanted us to go next. As we run, we ran past a suspicious looking man. He might have been a homeless man but he sure gave us a sort of look...
Finally, we reached the other end of the park. The park was huge and luckily, there was a fence diving the wide park. All because of the fence, I wasn't so scared anymore and this reckless side of me brought my legs closer to the fence. Mom was shouting at me to call me back.
I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing that but I felt like being wild... I approached the fence knowing that the lion could have easily damaged the fence and kill every one of us in this side of the park. There were some people sitting on the grass reading while listening to their cell phone or iPod. Many young guys around my age were playing. Several kids ran around playing tag as their mothers watched them.
The lion was still too far even when I've gotten pretty close to the fence and as if a switch inside of me flicked, I suddenly 'woke up', realizing what a stupid thing I was doing. I turned back and went to where my mom was calling me from.
Mom started scolding non-stop. Instead of listening to her, I watched the boys playing. Some faces were familiar and suddenly, sadness washed over me. There wasn't any good reason for the sudden feelings of sorrow.
Again, the next thing I did was not what I could explain. I suddenly told mom loud enough for the boys to hear about what I thought about myself. "I feel that I'm really ugly. I feel useless all the time and that I always let people down no matter how hard I tried." As I was spilling my thoughts, I recalled a paper I'd written in the past (In real life, this happened in an old dream).
A familiar boy was right behind us and started saying something nasty to me. What he said was about me too... I did not defend myself. Mom and I just walked off without saying a word to him, nor to one another. It was as if nothing happened but I was sure that our minds were occupied with anything other than what I just said...
We returned to our dorm. This dorm is the size of a house and it looked every bit like mine right now.
The moment we entered, the living room was there. Dad was watching the TV, his back was facing us.
He heard us enter and greeted us.
Mom decided to go out again to get us dinner.
Dad and I watched the TV. It was kind of boring as nothing interesting was on.
I started to look through my messenger bag and that was when dad came to me with a piece of paper.
What startled me was the fact that the paper he just put in front of my face was the one I'd written in the past! I truly didn't remember bringing it with me. I thought I had lost it!
It was really embarrassing... Most of my innermost thoughts were written there. I've never told anyone about it either!
After what seemed like eternity, mom finally came back with dinner. She was laughing as she opened the door. In came 2 beautiful ladies after mom. Mom explained to us that they're our dorm mates.
The dorm mates were friendly. I didn't get to know their names. I was really shy but I greeted them anyways.
Mom was really excited. She talked endlessly about the varieties of food available.
Guess what she got me... A bowl of spaghetti in watery bolognese sauce. I said "watery" because I could see water with a bit of the sauce. Mom stirred the soup and what she said next frightened me more...
"Doesn't it look delicious? I knew you like soup and spaghetti so I got this specially for you! Go on, eat it up!"
She actually said it with a SMILE! She really meant it when I stared at her with my jaws dropped.
She then gave me a weird look as she tilted her head.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Uh, n-nothing!" I started eating...
The scene changed into a posh and crowded shopping complex.
Dad, mom and I were in an incredibly huge food court. People were everywhere and it was pretty noisy.
We were looking at how a chef made some sort of dish. It was really hard to see what the chef was doing because so many people were in front and we were all right at the back.
Not interested, I looked around me and spotted the 2 dorm mates not far from us. They were also checking out the places in UK.
They waved at me and even my parents turned back to wave back at them.
The scene abruptly changed into an extremely cold, windy and gloomy place. Leaves were blowing about. The street was empty. We walked past a bus stop.
That was where we separated. My family and I decided to go to a zoo. The 2 dorm mates left to go somewhere else.
At the zoo, the weather suddenly became really hot. We all were sweating and the bright Sun made us have trouble keeping our eyes opened.
We saw wild animals free to roam about but they all stayed in a huge group as if they were really caged up.
I was really wondering how come none ever attacked us. No one else besides my family and I were at the zoo.
We saw weird animals... I think they extinct already...
After that, we went into a souvenir shop and...
The best, unexpected bit just appeared~
We came across a large section selling anime merchandise! I wouldn't be surprised if the store owner told me they sell ALL titles.
Knowing that I would stay there for hours and that the total amount of things I wanted to buy would be countless, I moved ahead.
We met up with the 2 dorm mates again. They were fascinated so they stayed on to look at the posters being sold there. They told me that it was their first time seeing these things. They didn't know what 'anime' and 'manga' were.
My parents were surprised that I didn't stay on to look at all the stuff. Mom questioned me but knowing that they'd turn back after hearing my reasons, I kept quiet. I didn't want to trouble anyone.
They walked behind me, still surprised.
Every step I took increased the feeling of regret deep within me...
That's right, I love being in a place filled with anime and manga related stuff even though I cannot afford all.
Just as we turned into another section, there goes my last hope!
A small section for key chains of all sorts of anime.
Naruto, Bleach, Death Note and everything!
A packet of various key chains got my attention. It was a nice Naruto key chain but there were others from other animes too!
I saw Death Note, Bleach, Kimi ni Todoke and many others.
Then, I thought of who would like which key chain as a present~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm finally studying in UK! I am really happy and excited. People around me are cautious though... That is because it seems like some sort of riot has been going on recently...
My mom and I were walking around in a city, exploring the wonderful country. Despite our enthusiasm, we had to be careful because of the reason mentioned earlier.
At first, I didn't feel scared or worried at all but as we walked, fear started spreading through my body, causing my nerves to be tense. The fear made me shudder at times. The slightest noise might have made me jump.
We were approaching a park but I sensed that something wasn't right. We had to walk along this extremely narrow railings to get to the park. The grass was really green and healthy. The Sun was out too but surprisingly, it didn't make us all sweat or complain about the heat. The next bit here really caught us unaware...We saw a lion. That's right, a lion. A FREAKING lion! Not caged, not tied up - entirely free, and if both of us are stupid enough, we'd walk closer towards the park and get gobbled up before we know it.
We froze for a moment. After a few seconds, I turned back and pushed mom to quickly move. She argued with me that I could have just went out from the front as I was already near the end of where the railings stopped for people to enter the park. I was like, "Are you CRAZY?! The lion will definitely see us!"
We argued more as we ran for our lives. We tried to run to the other end of the park in order to get to where we were heading. I wasn't sure where mom wanted us to go next. As we run, we ran past a suspicious looking man. He might have been a homeless man but he sure gave us a sort of look...
Finally, we reached the other end of the park. The park was huge and luckily, there was a fence diving the wide park. All because of the fence, I wasn't so scared anymore and this reckless side of me brought my legs closer to the fence. Mom was shouting at me to call me back.
I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing that but I felt like being wild... I approached the fence knowing that the lion could have easily damaged the fence and kill every one of us in this side of the park. There were some people sitting on the grass reading while listening to their cell phone or iPod. Many young guys around my age were playing. Several kids ran around playing tag as their mothers watched them.
The lion was still too far even when I've gotten pretty close to the fence and as if a switch inside of me flicked, I suddenly 'woke up', realizing what a stupid thing I was doing. I turned back and went to where my mom was calling me from.
Mom started scolding non-stop. Instead of listening to her, I watched the boys playing. Some faces were familiar and suddenly, sadness washed over me. There wasn't any good reason for the sudden feelings of sorrow.
Again, the next thing I did was not what I could explain. I suddenly told mom loud enough for the boys to hear about what I thought about myself. "I feel that I'm really ugly. I feel useless all the time and that I always let people down no matter how hard I tried." As I was spilling my thoughts, I recalled a paper I'd written in the past (In real life, this happened in an old dream).
A familiar boy was right behind us and started saying something nasty to me. What he said was about me too... I did not defend myself. Mom and I just walked off without saying a word to him, nor to one another. It was as if nothing happened but I was sure that our minds were occupied with anything other than what I just said...
We returned to our dorm. This dorm is the size of a house and it looked every bit like mine right now.
The moment we entered, the living room was there. Dad was watching the TV, his back was facing us.
He heard us enter and greeted us.
Mom decided to go out again to get us dinner.
Dad and I watched the TV. It was kind of boring as nothing interesting was on.
I started to look through my messenger bag and that was when dad came to me with a piece of paper.
What startled me was the fact that the paper he just put in front of my face was the one I'd written in the past! I truly didn't remember bringing it with me. I thought I had lost it!
It was really embarrassing... Most of my innermost thoughts were written there. I've never told anyone about it either!
After what seemed like eternity, mom finally came back with dinner. She was laughing as she opened the door. In came 2 beautiful ladies after mom. Mom explained to us that they're our dorm mates.
The dorm mates were friendly. I didn't get to know their names. I was really shy but I greeted them anyways.
Mom was really excited. She talked endlessly about the varieties of food available.
Guess what she got me... A bowl of spaghetti in watery bolognese sauce. I said "watery" because I could see water with a bit of the sauce. Mom stirred the soup and what she said next frightened me more...
"Doesn't it look delicious? I knew you like soup and spaghetti so I got this specially for you! Go on, eat it up!"
She actually said it with a SMILE! She really meant it when I stared at her with my jaws dropped.
She then gave me a weird look as she tilted her head.
"Why? What's wrong?"
"Uh, n-nothing!" I started eating...
The scene changed into a posh and crowded shopping complex.
Dad, mom and I were in an incredibly huge food court. People were everywhere and it was pretty noisy.
We were looking at how a chef made some sort of dish. It was really hard to see what the chef was doing because so many people were in front and we were all right at the back.
Not interested, I looked around me and spotted the 2 dorm mates not far from us. They were also checking out the places in UK.
They waved at me and even my parents turned back to wave back at them.
The scene abruptly changed into an extremely cold, windy and gloomy place. Leaves were blowing about. The street was empty. We walked past a bus stop.
That was where we separated. My family and I decided to go to a zoo. The 2 dorm mates left to go somewhere else.
At the zoo, the weather suddenly became really hot. We all were sweating and the bright Sun made us have trouble keeping our eyes opened.
We saw wild animals free to roam about but they all stayed in a huge group as if they were really caged up.
I was really wondering how come none ever attacked us. No one else besides my family and I were at the zoo.
We saw weird animals... I think they extinct already...
After that, we went into a souvenir shop and...
The best, unexpected bit just appeared~
We came across a large section selling anime merchandise! I wouldn't be surprised if the store owner told me they sell ALL titles.
Knowing that I would stay there for hours and that the total amount of things I wanted to buy would be countless, I moved ahead.
We met up with the 2 dorm mates again. They were fascinated so they stayed on to look at the posters being sold there. They told me that it was their first time seeing these things. They didn't know what 'anime' and 'manga' were.
My parents were surprised that I didn't stay on to look at all the stuff. Mom questioned me but knowing that they'd turn back after hearing my reasons, I kept quiet. I didn't want to trouble anyone.
They walked behind me, still surprised.
Every step I took increased the feeling of regret deep within me...
That's right, I love being in a place filled with anime and manga related stuff even though I cannot afford all.
Just as we turned into another section, there goes my last hope!
A small section for key chains of all sorts of anime.
Naruto, Bleach, Death Note and everything!
A packet of various key chains got my attention. It was a nice Naruto key chain but there were others from other animes too!
I saw Death Note, Bleach, Kimi ni Todoke and many others.
Then, I thought of who would like which key chain as a present~
-THE END-
Take care and have fun, everyone~!^^
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Real Life ~ What I've Decided
In one of the recent posts, if any of you remember, I said about being absolutely confused and depressed.
True, I AM still like that but after days and possibly weeks of thinking, I've come to a few conclusions and resolutions. Maybe no one will agree with all of them. Maybe some of you think I find unnecessary things to ponder about. Maybe some of you think I have got nothing better to do.
Whatever it is, I am still going on with mentioning them~ Because I'm annoying like that. ;)
1. I'll try to go to UK to further my studies after studying in the local college.
2. I'll choose courses like English Language, English Literature (sometimes they are joined together) and also Creative Writing/Professional Writing (so far it's been known as Creative Writing and it seemed pretty interesting).
3. If possible, join a music society or club while studying in college/universities.
4. I'm not suitable to be married to anyone so... perhaps going back to square one is still the best. That means I will try to live a single life. (I call it "square one" because I've made up my mind about that almost 2 years ago when I was extremely lost and confused.) Lonely? Nope, Just buy those 7 cats and a talking parrot... JUST KIDDING! I'll find ways to love my own company and occupy myself like what I'm doing now.
Regarding the 4th one, it's not urgent or anything now but I like fantasizing about the unknown future when I'm not worrying about it (though it the fantasizing LEADS to worrying).
Since I'm so dependent and all, I must learn to show people I can live alone. I'm taking this now as an informal personal challenge. This also means that I do not have to be too serious about this challenge and that if I really come across someone who is able to take all my nonsense, maybe I'll change my mind.
Still, it's unfair for the person because I always bring trouble.
I have more to say about my negative traits but I'm just going to leave it there. (>.<)
As for my ambition, it will definitely have something to do with the courses I've already mentioned. After all, as many have already said, English is widely used in various fields and jobs.
Fine, my English isn't good enough but that doesn't mean I didn't try~ It is my one and only hope left...
Not sure if I've ever said this before but I would love to continue playing the violin and perform more in public~
Come to think of it, I would want a house with a special room meant for violin and piano practice~ If possible, a sound-proof room so no one will be disturbed at all sorts of hours.
It's not cheap but seriously, sometimes (possibly most of the time), I feel like taking my violin out to play for fun. Because of having to be considerate and to think about the family members and neighbours, I got no choice but to wait for the moment I wake up - which lately, I am either too lazy or stiff to go and take everything out. =x
Even so, I took out my violin to play for "awhile" in the morning today... Around 8AM+... =x
Not such a great time but you know what? My neighbours make MORE noise and sometimes they are the ones waking me up. xD
Just a bit of "pay back time" would be fair, right? ;P
There was one time in the starting of this year where I had to shorten my violin practice. =/ Came home late from cousin's house. My lil cousin bro still wanted to talk to me so he phoned me and wouldn't hang up even when I've taken the violin out already. After he finally hung up, I could only play for a short time. Can't recall how short but it definitely ain't 1 hour and 30 minutes. *pouts*
Right, done blabbering~
Take care and have fun, people~!
True, I AM still like that but after days and possibly weeks of thinking, I've come to a few conclusions and resolutions. Maybe no one will agree with all of them. Maybe some of you think I find unnecessary things to ponder about. Maybe some of you think I have got nothing better to do.
Whatever it is, I am still going on with mentioning them~ Because I'm annoying like that. ;)
1. I'll try to go to UK to further my studies after studying in the local college.
2. I'll choose courses like English Language, English Literature (sometimes they are joined together) and also Creative Writing/Professional Writing (so far it's been known as Creative Writing and it seemed pretty interesting).
3. If possible, join a music society or club while studying in college/universities.
4. I'm not suitable to be married to anyone so... perhaps going back to square one is still the best. That means I will try to live a single life. (I call it "square one" because I've made up my mind about that almost 2 years ago when I was extremely lost and confused.) Lonely? Nope, Just buy those 7 cats and a talking parrot... JUST KIDDING! I'll find ways to love my own company and occupy myself like what I'm doing now.
Regarding the 4th one, it's not urgent or anything now but I like fantasizing about the unknown future when I'm not worrying about it (though it the fantasizing LEADS to worrying).
Since I'm so dependent and all, I must learn to show people I can live alone. I'm taking this now as an informal personal challenge. This also means that I do not have to be too serious about this challenge and that if I really come across someone who is able to take all my nonsense, maybe I'll change my mind.
Still, it's unfair for the person because I always bring trouble.
I have more to say about my negative traits but I'm just going to leave it there. (>.<)
As for my ambition, it will definitely have something to do with the courses I've already mentioned. After all, as many have already said, English is widely used in various fields and jobs.
Fine, my English isn't good enough but that doesn't mean I didn't try~ It is my one and only hope left...
Not sure if I've ever said this before but I would love to continue playing the violin and perform more in public~
Come to think of it, I would want a house with a special room meant for violin and piano practice~ If possible, a sound-proof room so no one will be disturbed at all sorts of hours.
It's not cheap but seriously, sometimes (possibly most of the time), I feel like taking my violin out to play for fun. Because of having to be considerate and to think about the family members and neighbours, I got no choice but to wait for the moment I wake up - which lately, I am either too lazy or stiff to go and take everything out. =x
Even so, I took out my violin to play for "awhile" in the morning today... Around 8AM+... =x
Not such a great time but you know what? My neighbours make MORE noise and sometimes they are the ones waking me up. xD
Just a bit of "pay back time" would be fair, right? ;P
There was one time in the starting of this year where I had to shorten my violin practice. =/ Came home late from cousin's house. My lil cousin bro still wanted to talk to me so he phoned me and wouldn't hang up even when I've taken the violin out already. After he finally hung up, I could only play for a short time. Can't recall how short but it definitely ain't 1 hour and 30 minutes. *pouts*
Right, done blabbering~
Take care and have fun, people~!
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