Real Life ~ Sweet Dreams...

Woke up sick.
What's new?
*looks around searching for something different*

Well, I found one.

Yesterday, I was reading this manga called "Conductor". Although I was not able to see as many musical instruments as I wanted, I could not help reading on. Psst, probably entranced by the beauty of a violinist in the manga. ;) Oh yeah, in case you're thinking that I'm some common, perverted guy, I am NOT a guy at all! xD

Fine, THAT was not new but the latest news comes later! xD Saving the best for last. ;P

After reading until almost the latest chapter of the manga "Conductor", I started fantasizing. I pictured myself as one of the violinists in an orchestra. It doesn't have to be the first chair.

In the manga, a group of friends from the orchestra got along fine - except one scene which caught me off guard. To tell the truth, I stopped fantasizing about being in an orchestra months ago because I have to be realistic and know that not everyone gets along.

Too bad, reality isn't in my fantasy right now. xD

I just like playing the violin and making music with people. Well, I know that I cannot get to choose which piece and that I will not be able to sync well all the time but that doesn't stop me from dreaming...

All in all, it was a sweet dream/fantasy to me... =3

Right, back to the 'latest news'! ^^

In case you're really curious, here's a hint: Violin.

No, I didn't get a new violi-

Right, sorry, gotta stop being so long-winded. Hehe~

Was going out on a usual shopping trip with my parents.

We went to a shopping complex that reopened just not long ago. It had to close down for about 2 months due to some serious reasons.

Although I didn't find that place interesting at first, I came to love it in the end even though it doesn't really have anything that attracts my attention. The atmosphere there was what made me happy there. =)

Of course the atmosphere's pretty much gone now but maybe it'll come back.

On the top floor, we saw a music shop. What caught my attention was obviously none other than the VIOLIN~ They sold cellos too. 2 only though.

We went into the shop to have a look. The colours of the violins were mainly dark but I LOVE dark-coloured violins anyways!^^

A salesman (also the owner of the shop) came to ask if I would like to try playing.

His English was not very good but I liked that he didn't sound like a know-it-all like the rest of the salesmen in music shops! *Laughs*

The fact that he didn't know much about violins was proven the moment I held the violin. The strings were really loose (obviously not tuned) and the bow he gave me was tiny (meant for smaller violins). That was the only bow available for demo at that time (but I am sure he wouldn't mind taking them out if I asked).

Oh, another thing: either no rosin or not enough rosin was applied.

They took quite awhile to hand me a tuner (*blush* Yes, yes, I know I suck at tuning!). I had a hard time tuning because it was my first time tuning without the 3 fine tuners for the G,D and A string.

I roughly tuned them and then started to try out. Gah, E string was the hardest to tune! Kept staying at D#!

Of course I chose to play "Adoration" by Felix Borowski. xD I couldn't play properly because 1) It's not really in tune but good enough to recognize the notes. and 2) Not enough rosin or no rosin, remember? (I haven't asked for a cake of it to apply yet at that time)

Finally, when asked how was it, I told them the bow's short but that's not really the problem and that the rosin was the main problem. How I managed to draw out those notes were beyond my explanation. xD Must've been a miracle. *Looks up and search for the holy light*

When I was playing, some from outside watched me playing. Some went into the shop and a girl stood watching me. I wish I could explain to them that I do not normally play that...badly. xD

A different person (probably the wife of the salesman) passed me a cake of rosin. I applied 6 times. I wanted to do more rounds (like what you're supposed to do for a new, unused bow) but it's not like I would be able to play any better coz of the tuning problem. =x

It sounded better and it was easier to play... Only 2 problems left... I suck at using short bows (Here are 2 excuse I came up with: I didn't start violin from when I was a lil' kid and I'm just not good enough) and it was not in tune (as I've already repeated over and over...).

They talked about having music lessons there too so they showed my mom and I around.

I couldn't resist it and sat on the piano bench playing. I played softly. I was definitely NOT used to playing a proper piano. =x Haven't played the piano ever since Autumn (my violin) moved in with me.

The moment I wake up, I play the violin when I felt like it.
The moment I had to take a bath, I now play the violin more than stealing a few minutes reading a book.
The moment I come back from shopping, I sometimes take out the violin to play (like what I did today).

I always stared at Olive (my MINI keyboard), wanting to play but I know I can never go any further... The limited range of keys is one of the problems and... I haven't seen a piano sheet music for a long time (Well, fine, I saw it last week but it was used to play the violin).

The people there thought I was good at the violin. They thought I was talented and that I belonged in the path of music.

That was what I desired back then but now, it's just a fantasy. *smiles ruefully*

They found it amazing that I could play piano too but little did they know I am actually not good at it...

They knew about me learning piano ever since I was a kid. They also knew that I started violin last year and am Grade 7 (actually already completed Grade 7). They knew my age.

Just like that, without having seen me actually playing both instruments, they thought I was talented.

*scratches head* I know not to be big-headed and start believing them totally but since I do not receive compliments like these every day, I'd love to feel happy hearing them. ^^

So that was my 'latest news'. Pathetic, maybe. =x

Take care and have fun, everyone~!^^

I hope I have happy news to tell instead of the usual depressing topics... Unless depressing topics are more interesting to you? ;P

Psst, I can see through you...

Real Life ~ Mundane Accomplishments

-Killed the cat that keeps coming to my house to do 'big business'.
Check.
-Choose the next target before noon.
Check.
-Stalk the target on Facebook.
Check.
-Make prank calls to annoy the target.
Check.
-Sharpen my blade and-

*Throws the checklist across the room*

Oh okay, I was obviously kidding - except the fact that I wanna strangle that lil' cat!

Here's my actual checklist....

-Wash one of the violin cloths once and for all and kill that friggin' cat.
Check. It's the cloth I used while playing the violin, not the one used for wiping the violin. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to wash the cloth. I know it will sound disgusting to you but I had a hard time removing some blood stains. Ah, before you back away from the computer in horror, those were tiny little blood stains that no one would be able to see. After all, my left side of the neck/jaw isn't seriously injured. Oh yeah, one mroe disgusting fact - I have not washed it properly since my last performance or in January/February. You see now why was it so hard to get it completely clean? Another disgusting thing to say - I missed the violin smell... Well, I'd say it's the violin but of course I sweat too, right? ;) Trust me, it smells better than my sweaty plain T-shirts even though it should contain more sweat. =x

-Cut my hair short.
Check. Not in a salon, definitely, because I'm not allowed to at this age. *Shrugs* If you're wondering whether I am going to grieve for the hair that had been cut away like most girls, this time I am not going to. =D My head felt heavy and although my hair wasn't as long as what you're probably imagining now, my hair really kept getting on my nerves. Frizzy, as in extremely FRIZZY (because it is natural and never been styles or dyed before) and just irritating. I do not get how can girls with long hair still look pretty and elegant when they have their hair down. I know most of them (or all of them) have their hair styled (so it's meant to be much neater) but really, how do they do that?! I feel like an idiot with my hair down. It is as if I'm destined to be the awkward girl. @.@

That is all I have to say about the mundane accomplishments.

Moving on to a better accomplishment~

-Find out more about college and universities.
Semi-check. xD I still do not know A LOT about them but looking at all the courses so far, I've come to know what are they about and which one suits me more. Of course I love music a lot but really, I am not cut out for this path as much as I fantasize. Now I am just trying (not my best because my best equals to how I was like last year when I first started violin) to get the bowing and spiccato right, which reminds me of today's fairly good practice. I do not want to have high hopes or anything but I think I've made my spiccato more stable. I just have to make sure I have consistent & accurate position and movement while bowing. All thanks to my violin teacher!^^

Really, I only have that one and only 'better accomplishment'...

After having finished a shoujo manga "Shuukatsu!! - Kimi ni Naitei " by Yoshino Aki, I feel as if I'll eventually become the main female character, Asaoka Yuuri. She sort of reminds me of Megumi Noda (Nodame) from Nodame Cantabile. I feel like I will end up like both of them. xD Not saying that I will somehow come across a bishounen who initially comes off as a snob but then turns out to be a nice guy though. =P What I meant was I will somehow end up having a job that's relating to kids... You see, I am beginning to think that it ain't so... boring to be a kindergarten teacher. I also think of editing children's books if I am not good enough to handle adults' or teenagers' books. *Sighs worriedly*

Lately, I am starting to have problem controlling my tongue and emotions... I'm sure I've said this before in previous posts and for some time I didn't mention after that. Truth is, I've been like this since then but it wasn't that serious. Now, just by talking to people, I feel as if I must argue with them. By default, (well, my "default", that is!) I choose to isolate myself until my minds clears up or comes to a reasonable conclusion. Yes, that also means my mind is in a crazy mess, like all over the place. I'm deeply confused.

What's frustrating me the most is that I used to know what I wanted and what I needed. It was not exactly what most (but not all) teenagers know because they're too fickle-minded to decide. At the age of 14, after a lot of thinking and depression, ideas suddenly came to mind. I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to learn to play the violin. I wanted to live single for life as a personal challenge. I wanted to live alone with my very own dog (because I used to always want one!).

Now, *smiles ruefully* I am not all that sure of what I want to work as in the future. I admit I CANNOT be a psychologist because it does not suit my feeble personality (let's hope the term "feeble personality" can be used and holds a meaning). Fortunately, I just read up on some courses and I definitely feel way better and less confused. I now know Journalism/Media Journalism and English Language & Literature are DIFFERENT things. (>.<)

I've always hated to be fickle-minded... Hated to have people believe that all teenagers are like that... After having written a story for months, I suddenly just lost the mood (I've had a month of exams so it's not surprising to lose the mood) and could not truly retrieve it back. Just ever so lazy to continue because that would mean I have to read back all over again. I was pretty close to the end too...

I thought of writing the story in a proper way but this morning after continuing it, some questions got to me.

"Is that even interesting? You spent almost one whole goddamn page on introduction!"
"Just read the book you're reading now and then tell me which part of you think you can publish that one day with that kind of standard?"
"You're not getting anywhere close! You might have to redo..."

So, you know what now? I'll just have to ignore those questions and screw 'em all by writing what I like. As for poems, I suppose I write more of them than a completed story. Truth be told, I've not written ANY completed stories that I would want to publish. As for school work and exams, of course they have an ending but with the time limit or word limit, I have no choice but to be quick. xD

After that, whenever I try to make the story longer, like what I've attempted for 2 or 3 times, I fail to accomplish that. It's kinda of funny when  I admit this myself. xD

Gonna go read manga now~ I've written this long enough... From 10PM until 11:32PM...

Have fun and take care, everyone~!^^

Dreams ~ Just Like Real Life In A Way

These were my latest dreams~ ;P
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It is like any normal school day but today, something made me think that today is a different day.

Having finally fulfilled one of my dreams (or more like, secret desires), I brought my violin along today. Whether I will be playing or not, I do not know and neither do I care.

You see, all I ever wanted was to have Autumn by my side to cuddle and to make me feel confident even though I know I will never be good enough.

As expected, people stared and some plucked up the courage to ask me.

It was not really the attention that I wanted but more like the feeling of knowing that my beloved violin is with me.

I did not let go of my violin throughout the whole time in class. Recess finally came and my friends from other class came to find me. They asked me why I brought Autumn to school and as I was telling them, I opened the violin case.

The "violin" before me gave the shock of my life. My actual violin is gone! What's left in my bag is this hideous-looking thing made up of weird stuff just so it would look like a violin. I couldn't believe what's happening... Before I know it, I found my legs carrying me to the teacher's room to ask for help. I was desperate. Desperate to recover my precious violin. Desperate to get my beloved healer back. Autumn always made me feel better even though the reason for my frustration, anger and sorrow may sometimes be her. Autumn is my one and only violin... I cannot let her leave my side. Not now, not ever!

The discipline teacher was handling my case as the other teachers were eavesdropping.

Suddenly, my 2 friends came after me saying something. I rushed back to class, thinking I could reunite with Autumn again but instead, they led me to one of my classmate's drawer. They pointed at the opened wrapper with a creamy cookie inside. In my mind, I was like, what the hell...?

Since I'm already in class, I decided not to go back to the teachers.

I spent the whole time searching everybody's drawer and started to wish I didn't give in to my stupid dream.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another boring school day. In the morning, I reached the school when it's still quite dark. I settled down on a bench where my friends and I usually meet up with one another in the morning. A quiet, timid girl who's in the group of friends and I waited for the others to arrive. She asked me if I wanted to go to the toilet (as in asking me to accompany her in a way). I said no and after some time, I came to realize I needed to go myself but didn't say anything to her.

Not long after, another girl (a.k.a, the friend who used to be my classmate last year) came. She's usually late for school but today, she surprised us. She also asked if I wanted to go to the toilet. Having just said no not long ago, I decided to just wait until class starts.

After I've thought of that, my pretty friend and her group of friends came to ask whether I wanted to go to the toilet. This time, I agreed because there's so many of us.

It was like a journey. Pretty fun too even though I was tagging along behind with them with the timid girl.

Oh, by "journey", I meant it because my school has lots of toilets and even at places we hardly go to. We were trying to find a toilet that's open and available. We soon realized that many other girls were desperate to get to the toilet too.

Every time we run into a closed toilet, we say, "Nope, it's closed." and then followed by mumblings of disapproval, complaining about the school and the stupidity of the people in charge.

We eventually came across an available toilet. The toilet itself was weird. You see, the entrance itself leads to a cubicle and from that cubicle, there's another door to get to where the usual sinks and other cubicles are.

The timid girl and I were the last to come out of the toilet. Many girls were in the toilet and they did not hesitate to cut lines.

By the time she and I got out, we were searching for our group of friends. They disappeared...

I found them all the way downstairs sitting at a table. They occupied 2 tables: One for them to hang out and the other for them to put our cosplay costumes. (*Shrugs* Hey, don't ask me. I do not know how weird could this dream get.)

I pointed at where they were to show the timid girl so that she would stop worrying.

As she and I were getting closer to them, I asked the timid girl why did they bring all the things down.

By the time we reached their table, my pretty friend and her group of friends had to leave for some reason. Even the timid girl followed them.

I was left with my ex-classmate. There was nothing but this awkward silence. She broke the silence first by standing up and yelling at me.

"Why can't you be grateful that we got everybody's stuff down? Huh? Why are you always like this?! I can never understand you! You're never -"
"Woah, hold up! I didn't say I ain't grateful! I was grateful for the trouble you all took to bringing our stuff down and-"
"Then why can't you just shut up and be grateful without saying anything?"

My thought flashed back to the time I was questioning the timid girl. Desperation got a hold of me as I wished hard to clear this misunderstanding. Nothing worked out no matter how I tried to convince her I was grateful and touched by the trouble they took to getting both the timid girl's and my stuff down.

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That was what I dreamt~

For the first dream, it's true I often thought of bringing my violin along to cuddle but that dream increased my worries of losing it. I do worry that these kind of things happen when I bring my violin out anywhere... I'm thinking I should lock the violin case if I ever bring it out anywhere except for attending violin lessons.

As for the second dream, there ain't any quiet and timid girl in my group of friends. Well, there's one but she didn't look anything like the one in my dream. xD

Not everything about the school was true but damn, they DO lock the toilets!

I'd say the adventure/journey is fun too even if it meant tagging along behind the crowd - because that's normal for me in real life already. xD

I actually dreamt of cosplaying as Hei from Darker Than Black. @.@ It must have been the night before when I looked at a cosplayers of Hei online. xD

Lastly, I was like, Bloody hell! the moment I woke up from that little misunderstanding. It was pretty much like that in real life but... to dream about something similar to that? My goodness, these situations will keep on haunting me! xD

Oh yeah, I am often misunderstood like that... These dreams just seem to show real things that happen but just not in that way. Awesome, right? =P

Take care and have fun, people~!^^

Real Life ~ My Girlish, Empty Talk

Like most imperfect posts, I want to start this post with something that's irrelevant to 'girlish, empty talk'.

Ao no Exorcist, I love you!^^ You rock and I love the OSTs, OP & ED as well! :D

Right, back to topic. *Puts on rectangular black-rimmed spectacles with a no-joke face* (Psst, did I just act like Yukio Okumura?) *Fangirl giggle*

Some questions have been making me question my gender... Just kidding! I am straight (as far as I know... =o) but I was just wondering as usual. xD

1. Is it necessary to change the hairstyle once in awhile?  

or 

1. Is it boring to keep the same hairstyle all the time?

To me, I do not think it is boring to keep the same hairstyle all the time but (Yes, almost every sentence has a 'but'. =x) my pretty friend told me months ago that it's really boring to look the same for a long time. We got to this topic because she was talking about her friend who cut short her hair and ever since then, never keeps it long anymore. So my pretty friend asked, "Don't you just think that it is so boring to look like that all the time?" I have seen her friend and I thought she looked cute, cheerful and pretty. Seen her quite a few times and her look never bores me to death. Does this mean that I am the one with a problem? @.@ 

Come on, realistically, not everyone of us can afford a change of hairstyle. *Raises hand* I cannot say I am poor and neither can I say I am rich. In short, I come from outer space an average family. I do not want to have to keep throwing money at all these hairstyle maintenance... I could have used it all on violin-related matters, books, school-related matters and uh, not to mention EMERGENCIES? After all, most of the hairstyles won't last forever and I feel bad having to disturb my parents to get me to the hair salon (and pay for the haircut). 

One more thing, "hair salon" is a foreign word to me in a way because I don't think I have ever been to one in my entire life (as in, never been there with the reason that has anything to do with my own hair). Please do not take this personally - even I myself desire a nice hairstyle that stops my hair from being so frizzy and stubborn!

2. Why do girls have so many shoes, clothes, bags (and the list goes on) and still buy more?

Oho, what a shame! I myself am a girl and yet I am the one questioning other girls out there. No offence though. This is just me being curious. ;)

Alright, before you all start shooting me or wanting to kill me in my sleep, I admit I have my own clothes and bags that I never use. Not saying I keep buying them though (this is the truth - true story ;D) Firstly, as much as I hate to admit, I have a strict family who watches whatever I buy and do (and say).

As for clothes, there are about 2 tops and a pair of long pants that I sorta regret having. This is all thanks to my stupidity early this year. I was trying hard again to be a normal girl. Of course, my mother nagged but in the end, I got away with those 2 tops.

Now, if I ever wear them (which I do not want to ever again), I'll feel so goddamn ugly and exposed. Just to clarify a few things, they are not the usual whorish or slutty clothes. They're considered goddamn decent compared to what you may have thought it to be but I guess I just wasn't used to having more of my shoulders exposed.

About bags, *laughs weakly* I have quite a few but they weren't mine in the first place and they cannot even store all the stuff I bring along. Even if they could store all the stuff I usually bring when I go out, they would not guarantee the safety of my stuff. xD

Being quite a perfectionist here, I make sure my book(s) - Yes, I bring a book or two with me to read whether I get to read much or not - do not have torn pages, folded pages, dog ears or 'wrinkles'. (Alas, "Where Rainbows End" by Cecelia Ahern was not in a really good condition because my mom flung it across the room to a dark, dirty and dusty spot when she got mad at me for not studying properly for exams back when I was 14. The book's now slightly blackish but still readable.)

A few months back, my old sling bag just couldn't support me anymore. I just have more things to bring along for "emergencies" to satisfy my endless "what ifs" and some of the new books were big, heavy and freaking thick.

Thus, the search for a more suitable bag started. I was looking for a black sling bag that's not too big, not too small and rectangular. It did not have to necessarily have many compartments. Simplicity is much appreciated just so long the books can fit in. I also wanted it to be made of fabric (Leather smells and cheap imitation ones just tear real easily). The sling bag better last for years too! =/

My family helped me search for that 'miracle and magical' sling bag that might not even exist or live up to my expectations. Finally, I stumbled across my "new fated partner" that's capable of keeping me company long enough. It took me weeks to consider but it was literally love at first sight the moment my eyes stopped to gaze at that bag.

I happily transferred the things into the new bag after happily purchasing it. In case you're curious, it's a messenger bag. ;P Hope ya don't face palm after knowing my preference. Hehe~ The new bag could even hold my fraying, fading, old, stained and worn out bag. If you also wondered what was it that I bring with me all the time, they're definitely my book(s), spectacle box, nail clipper, a wallet (hate to disappoint you but I do not bring much with me), comb and a cell phone (That is if I even remember to bring it along. xD). Yes, *waves a hand while hiding a smile* not the girlish person who brings make-up.

Have no idea since when but I became so paranoid that I have to ALWAYS grab my bag and make sure the zip didn't magically move an inch. =/ This is not normal, is it? =S

3. Why is it wrong to hate socializing? 

Since I am not your typical girlish person, it is not weird for me to hate going out with people. I just hate attending parties and hanging out with people. Is this a disadvantage of not being allowed to attend parties and joining outings? 

Not exaggerating but I have my heart in my mouth every single time I ask for permission to simply go to a friend's house or hang out with my friends. Back in elementary school, I was somewhat frequently invited to birthday parties and outings at shopping centres. Most of the time, I was not allowed to attend any of them. I stayed at home playing by myself most of the time. Luckily, I wasn't really bitter about it but sometimes I can't help wishing I was given more freedom. Friends eventually got the message and stopped inviting me.

Now, in secondary school, I am a teenage girl who hates socializing almost more than anything else in the world. That's not how AvPD came about though. AvPD started many years back. *smiles ruefully* I still get invited to some events but hardly, which is good in its own way. Because of that, I do not experience getting excited about shopping for a new outfit to attend an evening or night event. Here are 2 advantages I can think of about not being able to attend these events: I save time and money to do something else I feel more productive accomplishing. 

Hmm, did I just stray far from the actual topic? xD Sorry, people~ So really, why is it wrong to be an anti-social? Why is it wrong to hate mixing with strangers? Why is it wrong to not want to make friends? Why is it wrong to want to be quiet and just blend in with the crowd? Why is it wrong to keep a low profile?

I truly feel the most comfortable when I am alone or with my family. Friends, close friends, best friends, I love most of you all but I just feel so hideous and stupid that I do not want to be with you all. I feel that I am not worthy of being with any of you all. So, thank you all for staying with me, whether you know how I really feel deep inside or not. I like to do my own stuff looking like a complete goof in my own house. xD Well, who doesn't?

It's really bothersome to have to be the civilized, polite and cheerful person with no problems out there. I often forget to greet my friends' family. I usually just fake a smile (like most times) and nod to acknowledge their presence. I gave up calling out "auntie" or "uncle" after reading so many books stating that some people just hate being called that because they would feel old. 

Besides, I may be able to speak loud but with the lack of confidence, I feel that I would screw things up by being too loud or having a shaky and unstable voice. This is not a joke or excuse... The last time I was forced to read a passage aloud, I stuttered and messed up words to the extent that I felt like giving up. I thought I was actually dyslexic! *gives a look of horror*  As expected, the students all laughed but my dear friend gave me a look that said, "What's up?". 

To hide my humiliation, all I could do was laugh at myself even though I hate being laughed at. Hate being ridiculed. I also absolutely hate it when people laugh at me whenever I am angry or being serious. Really makes me feel like giving that person a slap. Hmph! If not a slap, I'd pinch both cheeks of that person and make 'em swell until he/she can smile no more. Maybe I'll even add a bruised eye to complete a simple HUMOROUS look that cartoon characters make after getting beaten up. (>.>)

As usual, I could only tolerate and pretend I'm cool with everything. Why is it that people can get away with   an argument (may it be a short or long one; slight or bad one) and whenever I do decide to explode, they stop talking to me forever? This ALWAYS happens! What irks me more is when my other friends or family members side with them. 

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Gonna end the questions here. As you can see, I only had 3 questions that I could remember. xD 

Lately, I do not feel like talking to anyone online. Problem? xD or more like Does that make me an anti-social?

Whatever it is, take care and have fun, everyone! ^^ For your information (whether you give a damn or not) I am not bitter or angry after the last few sentences. =P