I felt REALLY depressed and down this morning until the time before recess. I felt horribly empty... That is because I missed my violin so dearly. No, she did not leave my side or anything. Nothing happened to her. =D
You see, on Thursday, my violinist friend brought her violin again to school. She, once again, got me to look after her violin for her. She allowed me to play. xD
Played after Physics class, which should be Moral class next. I just tried it out. I realized that I am not very good with the synthetic strings. My violin has steel strings (supposedly cheaper strings =/) so... that's the reason why I am not used to synthetic strings. Synthetic strings, I find, are softer to press but I cannot say that it's entirely easy to play with either. =x Psst, my violinist friend tortured her violin but I suppose it is tough enough to not get visibly damaged.
Last Saturday, my parents brought me to a shop specialized in violins. Well, that shop also provides violin lessons. xD The budget was 500 dollars (which is not really enough to upgrade, seriously) but they only have a 800 dollar violin as the cheapest one there. I did not like how it sounded because it was soft and I totally sucked at playing it. It's as if something possessed me and made me play worse than I already am. (>.<)
Then, the guy selling let me try out the 3000 dollar(yes, 3 thousand dollars!) violin. Surprisingly, it sounds almost like my violin! LOL, I think the guy selling found it a little bit insulting when mom told him that's almost like my violin's current sound! xD My violin's voice is similar to a 3000 dollar violin? Get real, man! The bow he gave me to test out with was feather-light. =o With my slightly shivering hands, that feather-light bow did not help. xD
All I am trying to say is that I am too attached to Autumn. I can NEVER play right when it comes to other violins. I feel that I should bond with the instrument first and take some time to get used to it before actually playing for real in front of others. Same goes to me needing warm-up before getting down to business. =/ It's a handicap, isn't it? (>.<) That has gotta be bad but it's better than me being the type of person who sees all violins being just violins. Nothing more. They're all the same. To be frank, I HATE to be that sort of person. I want to see every violin as an individual, one of a kind, like each having its own specialty.
Would be awesome to keep that attitude... Coz it sucks to be a hypocrite. ;P
So all the while I was in the shop, the thoughts "I am too attached to my own violin", "I want Autumn here now" and "Autumn is better than them" ran through my mind over and over. Can you call that faith? What about loyalty? Or is it me being naive and childish?
Gotta bring the violin collage I made last year again... Seriously need it to wake me up and cheer me up like how I badly needed it today. Dx
Today's practice was not productive at all when I stopped for a rest and it ended up being longer than 5 minutes. I sat there holding my violin with my left hand, balancing it on my lap while facebooking. Lol. I admit I do RC when I rest for awhile and that I do just sit there listening to the same songs again and again. Sometimes I rest and listen to new songs I have to learn or just songs that I can never play (or even sing).
Malaysia's Philharmonic Orchestra is doing the piece Piano Concerto No. 2 by Rachimanov / Rachimanoff... I am DYING to watch! I badly want to go. *pouts*
That orchestral piece ROCKS! Well, not Rock but it is kick-a$$! =D See those money sign? xD (Psst, it ain't no bad word. =x)
The ending of the practice was OK. I was hurting badly again when it came to "La Cumparsita" but I will NOT lose to that song! I want to remake a video on that song. =/ Not satisfied. I do not even dare to watch back my old video on that song. Lol. At least my teacher was OK with the video. Just rhythm problem, as usual. Dx
Tomorrow's the violin lesson. Hopefully I did not forget anything I learned throughout the whole week of practice. I actually became extremely blur when I practised today. It is as if the "violin-sick" (not home-sick) erased all those important things. o.0 That sucks. Lol. Important thing tomorrow is that I still have the energy to do a good vibrato tomorrow. I sound horrible when my fingers cannot do vibrato. That happens when I practised too much of vibrato the day before. I just practised a lot of that earlier during the practice. In fact, throughout the practice. Please let tomorrow be good!
Take care and have fun~!^^ I gotta go because my eye lids are gonna drop any moment. =P
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Real Life ~ When Agony Nears Hell Gate
First let's start with yesterday. My friends and I went out shopping. It was like any normal outing, just that this time with new friends. Was supposed to be with only one new friend but she invited more. Her 2 other friends are my classmates this year. They are nice people. =D Of course I would not mind them coming along. It's better to hang around with nice people. In this case, we can most definitely use the phrase "the more the merrier"! xD (Gosh, I sounded so childish there. At least my youth came back for a moment. xD)
Met at the shopping complex at about 1PM. Have not been there for so long, about 1 or 2 years already... I was blur and worried that I'd waited at the wrong entrance. Luckily, they arrived when I phoned them. =)
We went to "Subway" and ordered. I was the only one out of the 3 of them eating because they already ate earlier on. You see, all of us are coming at different times. Some will turn up later because of something else that they have to do.
I REALLY love "Subway"! Text messaged a friend of mine who was meant to turn up same time as me. Was getting worried... =/
Suddenly, we got a call from another friend and there they were after we girls went to the entrance again.
We split up for a moment. 2 of the girls went to a shop whereas the other 4 of us went to Subway again. Only one of our friends ate. xD
We chatted and then we started walking again once he was done. Met up in a store they were in.
The 3 girls led the way. (6 of us altogether. 4 Girls. 2 Guys.)
Most of the time, we went into girlish shops to look at earrings, necklaces, hats, accessories and most probably make-ups. xD To be honest, the 3 girls knew each other for about 5 years already... Obviously they're gonna be in a group talking and walking while 3 of us talk to one another. On the other hand, we've known each other for 3 years. xD This would be the fourth. xD
Have not really looked at girlish stuff for so long. I stopped since elementary school. Gosh... No wonder I ended up being with not-so-girlish friends. xD Earrings? Never really bother about them anymore. I just wear the same pair for a long time until I feel that it is time to change. (>.<) Guess what? We entered the manga shop. It's not as fun as being there by myself though. I had to stop myself from drooling at bishounen in the manga/DVD cover. xD Lol. I wanted to see if I could buy Naruto keychains but I guess it feels weird. xD Really great to go around reliving every moment again with every anime/manga I caught sight of. Stopped for a drink. Drank Aloe Jelly with Kiwi. Something like that. The taste was nice. 2 of the girls asked to have the 'curtain' pulled up. We all saw a nice scenery though I could not see any of the "waves" they kept mentioning of. Lol. Before the movie started, we somehow split into 2 different groups to talk. 3 of the girls chatted while 3 of us talked and punched. xD I am a violent friend~ But it's not in a bad way. ;) The movie was fun. One of the girls sat beside me and we whispered stuff to one another. It was funny sometimes. I loved the movie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Edited on 15th of March 2011. top part written on 14th of March.) In this second part of the post, I will be talking about yesterday's 3 hours of violin practice. This is by far one of the craziest practice. I actually could not finish ALL the songs I was given to practise. Sure, he told me he just ran through with all songs for me to slowly practise at home. I cannot help feeling that I am VERY slow. I need to speed up and stop being Grade 5. How long do I plan to be Grade 5? Goddammit! I cannot slow down anymore! 3 more grades and that should be it! It's not as easy as it sounds like but that's what I aim to do this year. Next year, I have a bigger and shittier exam coming up. I cannot afford to attend violin lessons like that. I need to finish up my violin first. =( I do not think I will have any time at all even if I started college or university. What if I went to another country? It's already a problem to get my parents to fork out the money for local violin lesson fees... I cannot be such a burden anymore. I MUST quickly end Grade 8. Come to think of it, I do not think I can perform this June. =( Just checked the calendar. I would have had finished the mid-term exam in May or something and there will be 2 weeks of holiday after that. Surely the school will give hell a lot of homework. I'm screwed. Why am I slowing down? Why do I easily feel all the pain every time I played 10 minutes without stopping? It's not that long right? Imagine those who played 10 minutes plus as ONE song? I am already playing more than 1 song. There's a gap between every song because of the Windows Media Player. Imagine if I played a 10 minute song? Of course I will keel over and die right there and then with my violin (well, I DID say I wanted to die with my violin)! I dragged the warm-up longer now before reaching the actual new songs because I am not ready to stop playing the ABRSM Grade 4 songs. I still LOVE "Russian Fantasia No. 3"! I must NEVER stop playing that song. It is still a song I feel cool playing. Of course I still make stupid mistakes... Which is why I do not ever want to stop playing. Whenever I play "La Cumparsita", I kinda dread it because of the agony waiting to come midway through the song. (>.<) It HURTS LIKE HELL! Which is why this 3 hours of practice was close to hell. Not there yet but close enough. xD
I kept on playing, stubborn to keep on fighting back the pain. Breath kept on escaping. I'm tellin' ya, I played until my right fingers ached from holding the bow. The fingers slightly swollen and red from the gripping. The pain is something I cannot even begin to explain. =[ Both arms hurt like shit. Lol. I could not lift up both arms for a moment. All the while I played, I kept telling myself I was not good enough and that I am slow, REALLY slow and disappointed.
On and on I went. Fingers threatening to drop the bow and the whole of my left had the strong desire to keel over and collapse. I swear I could have passed out right there in the hallway where I practised. It hurts now every morning I stretch my arms, especially the left arm. The scar from violin practice is OK because I no longer forced myself to play without the handkerchief. After being told that I will get cancer if I abused the scar any further, I decided to play safe... At least I still CAN play without handkerchief! I thought I've completely relied on the handkerchief. =(
I totally collapsed in my chair after it reached the 3rd hour. Well, more than 3 hours by a few minutes, to be exact. OK, fine. I started at maybe about 9:45AM (latest at 10AM) and planned to end at 1PM but failed to because of the EXCRUCIATING pain so... I ended stopping at 12:56PM. 4 more minutes!!! ARGH! But it would be worth the days or maybe weeks of rest if I really injured myself.
Just typing now sorta hurts but it's still OK. I remember there was a time I practised until I could not even open or close the door. It ached to touch the door knob, let alone turn it. Trust me, of all things to exaggerate, this is not what I'd exaggerate about.
My eyes practically blanked out. I see black atmosphere but of course I can still see the things around. Not clearly though. Some things were blocked by the very black hazy scene, like as if there was a black mist hanging in the air. It is not the first time. If I read too long in a dark place (with some light of course), my eyes will become like that. Even my eyes now are threatening to create that black scene again. =/ It's been like that since I was a kid. Never knew why. It certainly is NOT normal though. Oh well...
Moving on to the next day, which is today, March 15 2011.
___________________________
I did not dare to practise 3 hours anymore. I decided to rest and start the practice at 4PM. I did just that but the heavy rain totally cut short my practice. =[ I was TOTALLY NOT DONE! Damn. Loud thunder clapped and before I knew it, the whole house went dark. Not a light shone and the fan stopped functioning, of course. Luckily I did not drop my violin from the shock. I was worried I'd be too shocked but thankfully, not really. I had a late response. After everything turned completely black, I only thought of this, "Oh, the electricity tripped. So dark."
I looked at my violin, still safe in my arms and started to continue playing, determined to beat the sound of thunder. After awhile, mom went up the stairs with a lousy torch light. She got a little bit agitated because water leaked and wet the floor of my parents' bedroom. I heard the dripping noise but did not know it was water leaking. Even mom heard it. The whole house was creepy but I held on protectively to my violin. Mom told me to stop playing the violin and to put it on top a cabinet. Question mark appeared above my head. I told her I would be putting it back into the violin case. Conclusion, I can still play in the dark. Well, not too well because I was busy focusing on the fact that it's dark and that I could barely see the strings ahead. The musical notes could not get into my head and that was when I go wrong. Lol. Was about to try another song when mom told me to stop it.
How sad... I could not show how happy I was to do something I like even though the electricity tripped. Could not read books... I did not dare to play my iPod (with the speaker) in case mom asked me to stop it too. Lol. And so, I got bored and went to sleep. After a long time, just as I was about to drift into a deeper sleep, mom switched the lights back on. I felt like a vampire when the lights were turned on. I complained about the place being too bright and shifted to another sofa to sleep. I woke up at about 7PM, disappointed that I could not make the practice reach 2 hours.
After having waken up from the nice sleep, I got too tired to continue with practice. Luckily I got to the 2nd new song out of 7 of them. Yesterday, I reached the 4th or 5th one. I like some of the new songs. Some repeated a lot with a few different notes so it got boring. Even my teacher dreaded teaching that song. Lol. He kept saying that it repeated too many times. xD
Had dinner and everything else normal except the fact that the heavy rain made the tree crush my neighbor's car, which was parked outside of the house.
Gotta jet now. Sorry it took this long to create a new post. I actually tried writing twice but failed to because I just lost the feeling to write. xD
Take care and have fun as always~!^^
Met at the shopping complex at about 1PM. Have not been there for so long, about 1 or 2 years already... I was blur and worried that I'd waited at the wrong entrance. Luckily, they arrived when I phoned them. =)
We went to "Subway" and ordered. I was the only one out of the 3 of them eating because they already ate earlier on. You see, all of us are coming at different times. Some will turn up later because of something else that they have to do.
I REALLY love "Subway"! Text messaged a friend of mine who was meant to turn up same time as me. Was getting worried... =/
Suddenly, we got a call from another friend and there they were after we girls went to the entrance again.
We split up for a moment. 2 of the girls went to a shop whereas the other 4 of us went to Subway again. Only one of our friends ate. xD
We chatted and then we started walking again once he was done. Met up in a store they were in.
The 3 girls led the way. (6 of us altogether. 4 Girls. 2 Guys.)
Most of the time, we went into girlish shops to look at earrings, necklaces, hats, accessories and most probably make-ups. xD To be honest, the 3 girls knew each other for about 5 years already... Obviously they're gonna be in a group talking and walking while 3 of us talk to one another. On the other hand, we've known each other for 3 years. xD This would be the fourth. xD
Have not really looked at girlish stuff for so long. I stopped since elementary school. Gosh... No wonder I ended up being with not-so-girlish friends. xD Earrings? Never really bother about them anymore. I just wear the same pair for a long time until I feel that it is time to change. (>.<) Guess what? We entered the manga shop. It's not as fun as being there by myself though. I had to stop myself from drooling at bishounen in the manga/DVD cover. xD Lol. I wanted to see if I could buy Naruto keychains but I guess it feels weird. xD Really great to go around reliving every moment again with every anime/manga I caught sight of. Stopped for a drink. Drank Aloe Jelly with Kiwi. Something like that. The taste was nice. 2 of the girls asked to have the 'curtain' pulled up. We all saw a nice scenery though I could not see any of the "waves" they kept mentioning of. Lol. Before the movie started, we somehow split into 2 different groups to talk. 3 of the girls chatted while 3 of us talked and punched. xD I am a violent friend~ But it's not in a bad way. ;) The movie was fun. One of the girls sat beside me and we whispered stuff to one another. It was funny sometimes. I loved the movie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Edited on 15th of March 2011. top part written on 14th of March.) In this second part of the post, I will be talking about yesterday's 3 hours of violin practice. This is by far one of the craziest practice. I actually could not finish ALL the songs I was given to practise. Sure, he told me he just ran through with all songs for me to slowly practise at home. I cannot help feeling that I am VERY slow. I need to speed up and stop being Grade 5. How long do I plan to be Grade 5? Goddammit! I cannot slow down anymore! 3 more grades and that should be it! It's not as easy as it sounds like but that's what I aim to do this year. Next year, I have a bigger and shittier exam coming up. I cannot afford to attend violin lessons like that. I need to finish up my violin first. =( I do not think I will have any time at all even if I started college or university. What if I went to another country? It's already a problem to get my parents to fork out the money for local violin lesson fees... I cannot be such a burden anymore. I MUST quickly end Grade 8. Come to think of it, I do not think I can perform this June. =( Just checked the calendar. I would have had finished the mid-term exam in May or something and there will be 2 weeks of holiday after that. Surely the school will give hell a lot of homework. I'm screwed. Why am I slowing down? Why do I easily feel all the pain every time I played 10 minutes without stopping? It's not that long right? Imagine those who played 10 minutes plus as ONE song? I am already playing more than 1 song. There's a gap between every song because of the Windows Media Player. Imagine if I played a 10 minute song? Of course I will keel over and die right there and then with my violin (well, I DID say I wanted to die with my violin)! I dragged the warm-up longer now before reaching the actual new songs because I am not ready to stop playing the ABRSM Grade 4 songs. I still LOVE "Russian Fantasia No. 3"! I must NEVER stop playing that song. It is still a song I feel cool playing. Of course I still make stupid mistakes... Which is why I do not ever want to stop playing. Whenever I play "La Cumparsita", I kinda dread it because of the agony waiting to come midway through the song. (>.<) It HURTS LIKE HELL! Which is why this 3 hours of practice was close to hell. Not there yet but close enough. xD
I kept on playing, stubborn to keep on fighting back the pain. Breath kept on escaping. I'm tellin' ya, I played until my right fingers ached from holding the bow. The fingers slightly swollen and red from the gripping. The pain is something I cannot even begin to explain. =[ Both arms hurt like shit. Lol. I could not lift up both arms for a moment. All the while I played, I kept telling myself I was not good enough and that I am slow, REALLY slow and disappointed.
On and on I went. Fingers threatening to drop the bow and the whole of my left had the strong desire to keel over and collapse. I swear I could have passed out right there in the hallway where I practised. It hurts now every morning I stretch my arms, especially the left arm. The scar from violin practice is OK because I no longer forced myself to play without the handkerchief. After being told that I will get cancer if I abused the scar any further, I decided to play safe... At least I still CAN play without handkerchief! I thought I've completely relied on the handkerchief. =(
I totally collapsed in my chair after it reached the 3rd hour. Well, more than 3 hours by a few minutes, to be exact. OK, fine. I started at maybe about 9:45AM (latest at 10AM) and planned to end at 1PM but failed to because of the EXCRUCIATING pain so... I ended stopping at 12:56PM. 4 more minutes!!! ARGH! But it would be worth the days or maybe weeks of rest if I really injured myself.
Just typing now sorta hurts but it's still OK. I remember there was a time I practised until I could not even open or close the door. It ached to touch the door knob, let alone turn it. Trust me, of all things to exaggerate, this is not what I'd exaggerate about.
My eyes practically blanked out. I see black atmosphere but of course I can still see the things around. Not clearly though. Some things were blocked by the very black hazy scene, like as if there was a black mist hanging in the air. It is not the first time. If I read too long in a dark place (with some light of course), my eyes will become like that. Even my eyes now are threatening to create that black scene again. =/ It's been like that since I was a kid. Never knew why. It certainly is NOT normal though. Oh well...
Moving on to the next day, which is today, March 15 2011.
___________________________
I did not dare to practise 3 hours anymore. I decided to rest and start the practice at 4PM. I did just that but the heavy rain totally cut short my practice. =[ I was TOTALLY NOT DONE! Damn. Loud thunder clapped and before I knew it, the whole house went dark. Not a light shone and the fan stopped functioning, of course. Luckily I did not drop my violin from the shock. I was worried I'd be too shocked but thankfully, not really. I had a late response. After everything turned completely black, I only thought of this, "Oh, the electricity tripped. So dark."
I looked at my violin, still safe in my arms and started to continue playing, determined to beat the sound of thunder. After awhile, mom went up the stairs with a lousy torch light. She got a little bit agitated because water leaked and wet the floor of my parents' bedroom. I heard the dripping noise but did not know it was water leaking. Even mom heard it. The whole house was creepy but I held on protectively to my violin. Mom told me to stop playing the violin and to put it on top a cabinet. Question mark appeared above my head. I told her I would be putting it back into the violin case. Conclusion, I can still play in the dark. Well, not too well because I was busy focusing on the fact that it's dark and that I could barely see the strings ahead. The musical notes could not get into my head and that was when I go wrong. Lol. Was about to try another song when mom told me to stop it.
How sad... I could not show how happy I was to do something I like even though the electricity tripped. Could not read books... I did not dare to play my iPod (with the speaker) in case mom asked me to stop it too. Lol. And so, I got bored and went to sleep. After a long time, just as I was about to drift into a deeper sleep, mom switched the lights back on. I felt like a vampire when the lights were turned on. I complained about the place being too bright and shifted to another sofa to sleep. I woke up at about 7PM, disappointed that I could not make the practice reach 2 hours.
After having waken up from the nice sleep, I got too tired to continue with practice. Luckily I got to the 2nd new song out of 7 of them. Yesterday, I reached the 4th or 5th one. I like some of the new songs. Some repeated a lot with a few different notes so it got boring. Even my teacher dreaded teaching that song. Lol. He kept saying that it repeated too many times. xD
Had dinner and everything else normal except the fact that the heavy rain made the tree crush my neighbor's car, which was parked outside of the house.
Gotta jet now. Sorry it took this long to create a new post. I actually tried writing twice but failed to because I just lost the feeling to write. xD
Take care and have fun as always~!^^
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