I am incredibly sorry for not blogging for what seemed like YEARS!
I've been through a lot as usual but I finally realized certain things...
Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)
Heard of that?
I am going to copy and paste the information from WIKIPEDIA~
Just want you readers to know more about it.
WHAT IS AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER?
Avoidant personality disorder(anxious personality disorder)is a personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook in a person characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.
People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.
There is controversy as to whether avoidant personality disorder is a distinct disorder from generalized social phobia and it is contended by some that they are merely different conceptualisations of the same disorder, where avoidant personality disorder may represent the more severe form. This is argued as generalized social phobia and avoidant personality disorder have a similar diagnostic criteria and may share a similar causation, subjective experience, course, treatment, and identical underlying personality features, such as shyness.
SYMPTOMS:
-Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
-Self-imposed social isolation
-Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
-Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
-Avoids interpersonal relationships
-Feelings of inadequacy
-Severe low self-esteem
-Self-loathing
-Mistrust of others
-Emotional distancing related to intimacy
-Highly self-conscious
-Self-critical about their problems relating to others
-Problems in occupational functioning
-Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
-Feeling inferior to others
-In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
-Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts
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Whatever it is, I was extremely shocked to the core to know there WAS such a disorder that TRULY expresses the way I feel! If I really have that disorder 9most likely since almost all symptoms fit me!), that means I've suffered from severe AvPD for years already...
I knew I was somewhat "different" from others. I feel as if I've never been normal and that I like mainly things that people don't. Luckily, I still know how to like bishounen from manga and anime!
Here goes... *deep breaths* I am hoping that I don't get too emotional writing this. I refuse to say everything but there can't be too much to hide anyways...
1. I totally feel like the worst, stupidest, ugliest, most awkward person ever.
2. I hate myself and call myself a "B!tch" almost all the time.
3. I dare not look into the mirror unless it's a dark place and that I don't stand too near with spectacles off.
4. If I were to look into the mirror close-up, I will need to cover most of my face with my hands.
5. If I accidentally saw my face in the mirror, I will take a long time recovering from tremendously negative thoughts like "OH MY GOSH, SO UUUUGGGGGLLLLYYY!", "NO WONDER NO ONE LIKES YOU!", "NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS!", "NOW YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE DISRESPECT YOU!", "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO REALIZE WHY PEOPLE CAN HARDLY TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY!", "NO WONDER PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOU!", "NO WONDER PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU!", "NO WONDER YOU CAN NEVER GET ALONG WITH SNOBBISH POPULAR PEOPLE!" and so on...
6. I feel that it's safer to isolate myself and be alone because I will end up saying something wrong or have problem making the right facial expressions when talking to people.
7. My tone never seem to match the way I feel deep inside. (monosyllabic or just... weird)
8. I fantasize and dream most of the time.
9. I use work to try to occupy my mind and feel useful, like I am doing something worthwhile.
10. I think feeling pain and exhausted will mean I've done enough for one day. (same goes to violin practices)
11. I feel much more comfortable staying at home because I can avoid less humiliation.
12. Going to tuition is horrible because I will have no choice but to show my ugly face and I worry people regret looking at me.
13. I am scared to use the handkerchief or tissue in public (especially in school and tuition) because I get the feeling people are staring at me and thinking of how dirty and disgusting I am.
14. I am scared of eating in front of friends and people I know because I worry I look stupid.
15. I worry people hate me.
16. I cannot accept rejection without crying.
17. I cannot accept criticism. (Yes, I said it!)
18. I feel happy when I make people happy so by default (or not?), I keep on wanting to please others.
19. I keep wanting to make those who mistreat me happy.
20. I cannot stand it when people misunderstand.
I feel as if I just let go of a lot of things... Something happened in school and it bugged me a lot. Again, I have no energy left to say.
I cried myself to sleep on some nights. I think it's getting to be pretty normal now.
I admit I can still think of killing myself but for now, no. Not yet.
Sorry, can't say more... Mixed feelings now.
Take care and have fun, people. Do this for me, I beg you!
