Maple & Life

Real Life ~ Closer and Closer...to Square One!

2012-01-13T22:44:00.003+08:00

Hey there, it has been an extremely long time since I have last updated this blog. I honestly wanted to update more often but since I have always been coming up with depressing posts, I did not want to continue boring everyone to death...

So, I was thinking of only posting something when I have finally come to a good conclusion as to where I would be heading in life. Which course(s) to take? Which college and/or university to go for? What part-time jobs to try out if I am allowed to? The list goes on (as usual)...

Life had been pretty peaceful on the outside... By "on the outside", I meant that others seem to think I have it all easy. Heck, maybe I really AM somewhat sick in the head and deluded myself into thinking that I am living in a world of hardship (and yet still know others are suffering more than me). Since I know that others are suffering more than me, I started thinking of how weak and ungrateful I really am. There will always be someone who is suffering more than me. I cannot even begin to imagine who in this world suffers or suffered the most! After thinking of that, I think of what I should do to punish myself for having thought of how miserable I felt when others are suffering out there. AGAIN, after thinking of that, I think of how unfair it is to always think of others and how they are suffering more than I am.

Ever since school started and something really upsetting happened on the first week of January (it was a Thursday), everything that has been niggling me suddenly became so real. Since there are so many, it was so overwhelming that my tears did not stop until I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning (Friday - another day of school), I continued after I woke up. It did not end until my school finally ended. You may find this really dramatic or exaggerated but my eyes were really sore and they became kinda puffy... My eyes have never hurt that much before from crying! It was like the longest cry ever and it was sort of funny how there was a part 2, which was the next day. =x

When people mention the word "stress" and "money" (especially "stress"), I start to want to get all teary. It may not work all the time but when talked a lot about it, there is no doubt that I will most probably start the waterworks again even though I am pretty numb from all that crying right now...

Actually, I cried a little bit yesterday but I would not count that at all. As for today's, I would not count it either. xD

I have decided to try seeking help from the school counselor. That is like the last thing I would do to get help! See how desperate I got? I worry they demand money, take my lesson time or inform my parents...

Oh well, that's the only conclusion I have come to in the end... Can that be the first step I'm taking to get used to this life?

Take care and have fun, people! ;)

Real Life ~ Sacrificed Violin Practice

2011-12-16T22:50:00.001+08:00

Improvised Fairy Theme Song on Violin

Please click on the link above to be redirected to the video~

That's right! For what could have been a very normal day for a normal, mentally-exhausting violin practice, I chose to do the video above.

It wasn't what I had in mind though...

I was planning to record after a few retakes but... plans unexpectedly changed.

You see, I started out with mainly open strings for the emotional starting of the song but as expected when I listened to the recording, it did not sound nice AT ALL.

It was very bland and it sounded a lot like how a beginner would play. (Sorry, no hard feelings. I was just being strict with myself)

It was then when I realized that I could only either quickly practise the front part of song with a different position (I chose 3rd position in the end) or stop the recording and handle it another time.

Since it already took so much of my precious time, I obviously decided to continue with it.

There you go...

After MANY, MANY, MANY freaking frustrating retakes, I finally found one that sounds more satisfying. I wanted perfect but with that webcam (like I've said before in old posts), it is impossible to produce what people like to call the "true sound of violin".

"The true sound of violin" is a sound that's ear-piercing. Fear not as the true sound of violin actually sounds very heart-racing when it should, heartbreaking when it should, powerful when it should, freaky when it should clear and heart-tugging if not heart-capturing. Just what is with all the hearts?!

Anyways, I will try again to produce better quality videos next time! Of course that is if my temper allows it. =x

I must admit that I'm not very patient with myself... xD

Take care, have fun and enjoy, everyone~!^^

Real Life~ A Fear So Strong

2011-12-08T21:20:00.001+08:00

It took me approximately 16 years to realize this fear or more like, think clearly what I'm really scared of all along.

Of course, like many others, we are afraid of all sorts of things. Many of us share the same fear whether they are common or not.

Today, I have to attend my tuition and it will be the last for this month.

Last week, my friend didn't come but instead, a different friend whom I thought was really my friend (she ended up using me or maybe I thought too much?) sat next to me.

We talked a lot but what we talked about consists of me mainly 'translating' the word for her long essay. She kept on looking at my essay to get an idea on how to write. I'm not trying to be a snob or anything. If the teacher gave me a boring title, I'd definitely be in her shoes - just that I wouldn't want to ask anyone but treat it like an exam instead.

So anyways, it is really different being with the 'another friend' and my new friend whom I seem to be able to talk a lot to.

Well, I suppose I cannot really say she's a new friend anymore since we've known each other for months already. It just amazes me how possible it was for me to find someone whom I can really relate to and not suddenly stop talking another week.

Some people are like that. Ever since I've met her, I didn't get the chance to read a book or write stuff in my "Tuition Journal" anymore. It's not a bad thing but I sure wasn't used to it at the start.

The truth is, I worry that one day, she and I will have nothing to talk about anymore and that she'll think I'm so boring that she'll eventually leave me.

So today, when we didn't really get the chance to talk much, this fear started spreading through me... I worry that she'll finally think of how WEIRD I really am.... Like as if I have 2 different personalities...

Here's my fear: Meeting a great friend whom I will eventually lose.

You can say I am afraid of losing people whom I love(not necessarily romantically!), care about and are close to me. Dx

Anyone else have this fear? =S

Take care and have fun anyways~!^^

Real Life ~ Tear-stained Violinist

2011-12-07T22:16:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time, there lived an air-headed girl who wanted nothing but to play the violin. She started loving the violin at the age of 14. She began violin lessons at the age of 15 because her partly strict parents finally allowed her to tread on the unexpectedly thorny, tearful yet overwhelmingly joyful and inspiring path of music.

At the start, she only wanted to play the violin for fun. She never had big dreams of joining the orchestra.

After months of playing the violin, her not-a-secret-anymore dream of playing in an orchestra popped up in her simple mind. She really wanted to be serious in music even if it meant that she will have to take exams and learn theory.

Sadly, she did not come from a wealthy family. She came from an average and partly strict family. Even so, she still felt like a caged bird. She wanted a bit more freedom.

Time after time, she got upset because she could not attend her violin lessons without listening to complaints coming from one of her parents.

Her frail heart could not take it easily the day one of her parents told her she cannot upgrade her violin because "she was not serious and that playing the violin was only a hobby".

On the same day, she cried while playing her violin. 3 tear drops were seen on her violin after one song. She cried loudly but did not care about it because her beloved violin sung loudly. She admitted that she didn't play well while crying but she recalled not being able to play properly at all the last time she cried while playing the violin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Right, I'll spill the beans.

That air-headed girl was referring to me.

That was what happened to me today.

Yes, I cried during my violin practice. The first note of 'Adoration' by Felix Borowski was the moment I couldn't hold on to my tears any longer.

I wiped my violin after playing that song though...(Well, of course I have to)

I'm fine now anyways. =)

Take care and have fun, everyone~!^^

Dreams~ Overseas

2011-12-03T22:10:00.001+08:00

This is just what I dreamt of last night and I hope you know that I am not writing this to offend or badmouth anything and anyone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm finally studying in UK! I am really happy and excited. People around me are cautious though... That is because it seems like some sort of riot has been going on recently...

My mom and I were walking around in a city, exploring the wonderful country. Despite our enthusiasm, we had to be careful because of the reason mentioned earlier.

At first, I didn't feel scared or worried at all but as we walked, fear started spreading through my body, causing my nerves to be tense. The fear made me shudder at times. The slightest noise might have made me jump.

We were approaching a park but I sensed that something wasn't right. We had to walk along this extremely narrow railings to get to the park. The grass was really green and healthy. The Sun was out too but surprisingly, it didn't make us all sweat or complain about the heat. The next bit here really caught us unaware...We saw a lion. That's right, a lion. A FREAKING lion! Not caged, not tied up - entirely free, and if both of us are stupid enough, we'd walk closer towards the park and get gobbled up before we know it.

We froze for a moment. After a few seconds, I turned back and pushed mom to quickly move. She argued with me that I could have just went out from the front as I was already near the end of where the railings stopped for people to enter the park. I was like, "Are you CRAZY?! The lion will definitely see us!"

We argued more as we ran for our lives. We tried to run to the other end of the park in order to get to where we were heading. I wasn't sure where mom wanted us to go next. As we run, we ran past a suspicious looking man. He might have been a homeless man but he sure gave us a sort of look...

Finally, we reached the other end of the park. The park was huge and luckily, there was a fence diving the wide park. All because of the fence, I wasn't so scared anymore and this reckless side of me brought my legs closer to the fence. Mom was shouting at me to call me back.

I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing that but I felt like being wild... I approached the fence knowing that the lion could have easily damaged the fence and kill every one of us in this side of the park. There were some people sitting on the grass reading while listening to their cell phone or iPod. Many young guys around my age were playing. Several kids ran around playing tag as their mothers watched them.

The lion was still too far even when I've gotten pretty close to the fence and as if a switch inside of me flicked, I suddenly 'woke up', realizing what a stupid thing I was doing. I turned back and went to where my mom was calling me from.

Mom started scolding non-stop. Instead of listening to her, I watched the boys playing. Some faces were familiar and suddenly, sadness washed over me. There wasn't any good reason for the sudden feelings of sorrow.

Again, the next thing I did was not what I could explain. I suddenly told mom loud enough for the boys to hear about what I thought about myself. "I feel that I'm really ugly. I feel useless all the time and that I always let people down no matter how hard I tried." As I was spilling my thoughts, I recalled a paper I'd written in the past (In real life, this happened in an old dream).

A familiar boy was right behind us and started saying something nasty to me. What he said was about me too... I did not defend myself. Mom and I just walked off without saying a word to him, nor to one another. It was as if nothing happened but I was sure that our minds were occupied with anything other than what I just said...

We returned to our dorm. This dorm is the size of a house and it looked every bit like mine right now.

The moment we entered, the living room was there. Dad was watching the TV, his back was facing us.

He heard us enter and greeted us.

Mom decided to go out again to get us dinner.

Dad and I watched the TV. It was kind of boring as nothing interesting was on.

I started to look through my messenger bag and that was when dad came to me with a piece of paper.

What startled me was the fact that the paper he just put in front of my face was the one I'd written in the past! I truly didn't remember bringing it with me. I thought I had lost it!

It was really embarrassing... Most of my innermost thoughts were written there. I've never told anyone about it either!

After what seemed like eternity, mom finally came back with dinner. She was laughing as she opened the door. In came 2 beautiful ladies after mom. Mom explained to us that they're our dorm mates.

The dorm mates were friendly. I didn't get to know their names. I was really shy but I greeted them anyways.

Mom was really excited. She talked endlessly about the varieties of food available.

Guess what she got me... A bowl of spaghetti in watery bolognese sauce. I said "watery" because I could see water with a bit of the sauce. Mom stirred the soup and what she said next frightened me more...

"Doesn't it look delicious? I knew you like soup and spaghetti so I got this specially for you! Go on, eat it up!"

She actually said it with a SMILE! She really meant it when I stared at her with my jaws dropped.

She then gave me a weird look as she tilted her head.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Uh, n-nothing!" I started eating...

The scene changed into a posh and crowded shopping complex.

Dad, mom and I were in an incredibly huge food court. People were everywhere and it was pretty noisy.

We were looking at how a chef made some sort of dish. It was really hard to see what the chef was doing because so many people were in front and we were all right at the back.

Not interested, I looked around me and spotted the 2 dorm mates not far from us. They were also checking out the places in UK.

They waved at me and even my parents turned back to wave back at them.

The scene abruptly changed into an extremely cold, windy and gloomy place. Leaves were blowing about. The street was empty. We walked past a bus stop.

That was where we separated. My family and I decided to go to a zoo. The 2 dorm mates left to go somewhere else.

At the zoo, the weather suddenly became really hot. We all were sweating and the bright Sun made us have trouble keeping our eyes opened.

We saw wild animals free to roam about but they all stayed in a huge group as if they were really caged up.

I was really wondering how come none ever attacked us. No one else besides my family and I were at the zoo.

We saw weird animals... I think they extinct already...

After that, we went into a souvenir shop and...

The best, unexpected bit just appeared~

We came across a large section selling anime merchandise! I wouldn't be surprised if the store owner told me they sell ALL titles.

Knowing that I would stay there for hours and that the total amount of things I wanted to buy would be countless, I moved ahead.

We met up with the 2 dorm mates again. They were fascinated so they stayed on to look at the posters being sold there. They told me that it was their first time seeing these things. They didn't know what 'anime' and 'manga' were.

My parents were surprised that I didn't stay on to look at all the stuff. Mom questioned me but knowing that they'd turn back after hearing my reasons, I kept quiet. I didn't want to trouble anyone.

They walked behind me, still surprised.

Every step I took increased the feeling of regret deep within me...

That's right, I love being in a place filled with anime and manga related stuff even though I cannot afford all.

Just as we turned into another section, there goes my last hope!

A small section for key chains of all sorts of anime.

Naruto, Bleach, Death Note and everything!

A packet of various key chains got my attention. It was a nice Naruto key chain but there were others from other animes too!

I saw Death Note, Bleach, Kimi ni Todoke and many others.

Then, I thought of who would like which key chain as a present~

-THE END-

Take care and have fun, everyone~!^^

Real Life ~ What I've Decided

2011-12-01T21:00:00.001+08:00

In one of the recent posts, if any of you remember, I said about being absolutely confused and depressed.

True, I AM still like that but after days and possibly weeks of thinking, I've come to a few conclusions and resolutions. Maybe no one will agree with all of them. Maybe some of you think I find unnecessary things to ponder about. Maybe some of you think I have got nothing better to do.

Whatever it is, I am still going on with mentioning them~ Because I'm annoying like that. ;)

1. I'll try to go to UK to further my studies after studying in the local college.
2. I'll choose courses like English Language, English Literature (sometimes they are joined together) and also Creative Writing/Professional Writing (so far it's been known as Creative Writing and it seemed pretty interesting).
3. If possible, join a music society or club while studying in college/universities.
4. I'm not suitable to be married to anyone so... perhaps going back to square one is still the best. That means I will try to live a single life. (I call it "square one" because I've made up my mind about that almost 2 years ago when I was extremely lost and confused.) Lonely? Nope, Just buy those 7 cats and a talking parrot... JUST KIDDING! I'll find ways to love my own company and occupy myself like what I'm doing now.

Regarding the 4th one, it's not urgent or anything now but I like fantasizing about the unknown future when I'm not worrying about it (though it the fantasizing LEADS to worrying).

Since I'm so dependent and all, I must learn to show people I can live alone. I'm taking this now as an informal personal challenge. This also means that I do not have to be too serious about this challenge and that if I really come across someone who is able to take all my nonsense, maybe I'll change my mind.

Still, it's unfair for the person because I always bring trouble.

I have more to say about my negative traits but I'm just going to leave it there. (>.<)

As for my ambition, it will definitely have something to do with the courses I've already mentioned. After all, as many have already said, English is widely used in various fields and jobs.

Fine, my English isn't good enough but that doesn't mean I didn't try~ It is my one and only hope left...

Not sure if I've ever said this before but I would love to continue playing the violin and perform more in public~

Come to think of it, I would want a house with a special room meant for violin and piano practice~ If possible, a sound-proof room so no one will be disturbed at all sorts of hours.

It's not cheap but seriously, sometimes (possibly most of the time), I feel like taking my violin out to play for fun. Because of having to be considerate and to think about the family members and neighbours, I got no choice but to wait for the moment I wake up - which lately, I am either too lazy or stiff to go and take everything out. =x

Even so, I took out my violin to play for "awhile" in the morning today... Around 8AM+... =x

Not such a great time but you know what? My neighbours make MORE noise and sometimes they are the ones waking me up. xD

Just a bit of "pay back time" would be fair, right? ;P

There was one time in the starting of this year where I had to shorten my violin practice. =/ Came home late from cousin's house. My lil cousin bro still wanted to talk to me so he phoned me and wouldn't hang up even when I've taken the violin out already. After he finally hung up, I could only play for a short time. Can't recall how short but it definitely ain't 1 hour and 30 minutes. *pouts*

Right, done blabbering~

Take care and have fun, people~!

Real Life ~ Sweet Dreams...

2011-11-26T23:05:00.001+08:00

Woke up sick.
What's new?
*looks around searching for something different*

Well, I found one.

Yesterday, I was reading this manga called "Conductor". Although I was not able to see as many musical instruments as I wanted, I could not help reading on. Psst, probably entranced by the beauty of a violinist in the manga. ;) Oh yeah, in case you're thinking that I'm some common, perverted guy, I am NOT a guy at all! xD

Fine, THAT was not new but the latest news comes later! xD Saving the best for last. ;P

After reading until almost the latest chapter of the manga "Conductor", I started fantasizing. I pictured myself as one of the violinists in an orchestra. It doesn't have to be the first chair.

In the manga, a group of friends from the orchestra got along fine - except one scene which caught me off guard. To tell the truth, I stopped fantasizing about being in an orchestra months ago because I have to be realistic and know that not everyone gets along.

Too bad, reality isn't in my fantasy right now. xD

I just like playing the violin and making music with people. Well, I know that I cannot get to choose which piece and that I will not be able to sync well all the time but that doesn't stop me from dreaming...

All in all, it was a sweet dream/fantasy to me... =3

Right, back to the 'latest news'! ^^

In case you're really curious, here's a hint: Violin.

No, I didn't get a new violi-

Right, sorry, gotta stop being so long-winded. Hehe~

Was going out on a usual shopping trip with my parents.

We went to a shopping complex that reopened just not long ago. It had to close down for about 2 months due to some serious reasons.

Although I didn't find that place interesting at first, I came to love it in the end even though it doesn't really have anything that attracts my attention. The atmosphere there was what made me happy there. =)

Of course the atmosphere's pretty much gone now but maybe it'll come back.

On the top floor, we saw a music shop. What caught my attention was obviously none other than the VIOLIN~ They sold cellos too. 2 only though.

We went into the shop to have a look. The colours of the violins were mainly dark but I LOVE dark-coloured violins anyways!^^

A salesman (also the owner of the shop) came to ask if I would like to try playing.

His English was not very good but I liked that he didn't sound like a know-it-all like the rest of the salesmen in music shops! *Laughs*

The fact that he didn't know much about violins was proven the moment I held the violin. The strings were really loose (obviously not tuned) and the bow he gave me was tiny (meant for smaller violins). That was the only bow available for demo at that time (but I am sure he wouldn't mind taking them out if I asked).

Oh, another thing: either no rosin or not enough rosin was applied.

They took quite awhile to hand me a tuner (*blush* Yes, yes, I know I suck at tuning!). I had a hard time tuning because it was my first time tuning without the 3 fine tuners for the G,D and A string.

I roughly tuned them and then started to try out. Gah, E string was the hardest to tune! Kept staying at D#!

Of course I chose to play "Adoration" by Felix Borowski. xD I couldn't play properly because 1) It's not really in tune but good enough to recognize the notes. and 2) Not enough rosin or no rosin, remember? (I haven't asked for a cake of it to apply yet at that time)

Finally, when asked how was it, I told them the bow's short but that's not really the problem and that the rosin was the main problem. How I managed to draw out those notes were beyond my explanation. xD Must've been a miracle. *Looks up and search for the holy light*

When I was playing, some from outside watched me playing. Some went into the shop and a girl stood watching me. I wish I could explain to them that I do not normally play that...badly. xD

A different person (probably the wife of the salesman) passed me a cake of rosin. I applied 6 times. I wanted to do more rounds (like what you're supposed to do for a new, unused bow) but it's not like I would be able to play any better coz of the tuning problem. =x

It sounded better and it was easier to play... Only 2 problems left... I suck at using short bows (Here are 2 excuse I came up with: I didn't start violin from when I was a lil' kid and I'm just not good enough) and it was not in tune (as I've already repeated over and over...).

They talked about having music lessons there too so they showed my mom and I around.

I couldn't resist it and sat on the piano bench playing. I played softly. I was definitely NOT used to playing a proper piano. =x Haven't played the piano ever since Autumn (my violin) moved in with me.

The moment I wake up, I play the violin when I felt like it.
The moment I had to take a bath, I now play the violin more than stealing a few minutes reading a book.
The moment I come back from shopping, I sometimes take out the violin to play (like what I did today).

I always stared at Olive (my MINI keyboard), wanting to play but I know I can never go any further... The limited range of keys is one of the problems and... I haven't seen a piano sheet music for a long time (Well, fine, I saw it last week but it was used to play the violin).

The people there thought I was good at the violin. They thought I was talented and that I belonged in the path of music.

That was what I desired back then but now, it's just a fantasy. *smiles ruefully*

They found it amazing that I could play piano too but little did they know I am actually not good at it...

They knew about me learning piano ever since I was a kid. They also knew that I started violin last year and am Grade 7 (actually already completed Grade 7). They knew my age.

Just like that, without having seen me actually playing both instruments, they thought I was talented.

*scratches head* I know not to be big-headed and start believing them totally but since I do not receive compliments like these every day, I'd love to feel happy hearing them. ^^

So that was my 'latest news'. Pathetic, maybe. =x

Take care and have fun, everyone~!^^

I hope I have happy news to tell instead of the usual depressing topics... Unless depressing topics are more interesting to you? ;P

Psst, I can see through you...

Real Life ~ Mundane Accomplishments

2011-11-24T21:58:00.001+08:00

-Killed the cat that keeps coming to my house to do 'big business'.
Check.
-Choose the next target before noon.
Check.
-Stalk the target on Facebook.
Check.
-Make prank calls to annoy the target.
Check.
-Sharpen my blade and-

*Throws the checklist across the room*

Oh okay, I was obviously kidding - except the fact that I wanna strangle that lil' cat!

Here's my actual checklist....

-Wash one of the violin cloths once and for all ~~and kill that friggin' cat~~.
Check. It's the cloth I used while playing the violin, not the one used for wiping the violin. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to wash the cloth. I know it will sound disgusting to you but I had a hard time removing some blood stains. Ah, before you back away from the computer in horror, those were tiny little blood stains that no one would be able to see. After all, my left side of the neck/jaw isn't seriously injured. Oh yeah, one mroe disgusting fact - I have not washed it properly since my last performance or in January/February. You see now why was it so hard to get it completely clean? Another disgusting thing to say - I missed the violin smell... Well, I'd say it's the violin but of course I sweat too, right? ;) Trust me, it smells better than my sweaty plain T-shirts even though it should contain more sweat. =x

-Cut my hair short.
Check. Not in a salon, definitely, because I'm not allowed to at this age. *Shrugs* If you're wondering whether I am going to grieve for the hair that had been cut away like most girls, this time I am not going to. =D My head felt heavy and although my hair wasn't as long as what you're probably imagining now, my hair really kept getting on my nerves. Frizzy, as in extremely FRIZZY (because it is natural and never been styles or dyed before) and just irritating. I do not get how can girls with long hair still look pretty and elegant when they have their hair down. I know most of them (or all of them) have their hair styled (so it's meant to be much neater) but really, how do they do that?! I feel like an idiot with my hair down. It is as if I'm destined to be the awkward girl. @.@

That is all I have to say about the mundane accomplishments.

Moving on to a better accomplishment~

-Find out more about college and universities.
Semi-check. xD I still do not know A LOT about them but looking at all the courses so far, I've come to know what are they about and which one suits me more. Of course I love music a lot but really, I am not cut out for this path as much as I fantasize. Now I am just trying (not my best because my best equals to how I was like last year when I first started violin) to get the bowing and spiccato right, which reminds me of today's fairly good practice. I do not want to have high hopes or anything but I think I've made my spiccato more stable. I just have to make sure I have consistent & accurate position and movement while bowing. All thanks to my violin teacher!^^

Really, I only have that one and only 'better accomplishment'...

After having finished a shoujo manga "Shuukatsu!! - Kimi ni Naitei " by Yoshino Aki, I feel as if I'll eventually become the main female character, Asaoka Yuuri. She sort of reminds me of Megumi Noda (Nodame) from Nodame Cantabile. I feel like I will end up like both of them. xD Not saying that I will somehow come across a bishounen who initially comes off as a snob but then turns out to be a nice guy though. =P What I meant was I will somehow end up having a job that's relating to kids... You see, I am beginning to think that it ain't so... boring to be a kindergarten teacher. I also think of editing children's books if I am not good enough to handle adults' or teenagers' books. *Sighs worriedly*

Lately, I am starting to have problem controlling my tongue and emotions... I'm sure I've said this before in previous posts and for some time I didn't mention after that. Truth is, I've been like this since then but it wasn't that serious. Now, just by talking to people, I feel as if I must argue with them. By default, (well, my "default", that is!) I choose to isolate myself until my minds clears up or comes to a reasonable conclusion. Yes, that also means my mind is in a crazy mess, like all over the place. I'm deeply confused.

What's frustrating me the most is that I used to know what I wanted and what I needed. It was not exactly what most (but not all) teenagers know because they're too fickle-minded to decide. At the age of 14, after a lot of thinking and depression, ideas suddenly came to mind. I wanted to be a psychologist. I wanted to learn to play the violin. I wanted to live single for life as a personal challenge. I wanted to live alone with my very own dog (because I used to always want one!).

Now, *smiles ruefully* I am not all that sure of what I want to work as in the future. I admit I CANNOT be a psychologist because it does not suit my feeble personality (let's hope the term "feeble personality" can be used and holds a meaning). Fortunately, I just read up on some courses and I definitely feel way better and less confused. I now know Journalism/Media Journalism and English Language & Literature are DIFFERENT things. (>.<)

I've always hated to be fickle-minded... Hated to have people believe that all teenagers are like that... After having written a story for months, I suddenly just lost the mood (I've had a month of exams so it's not surprising to lose the mood) and could not truly retrieve it back. Just ever so lazy to continue because that would mean I have to read back all over again. I was pretty close to the end too...

I thought of writing the story in a proper way but this morning after continuing it, some questions got to me.

"Is that even interesting? You spent almost one whole goddamn page on introduction!"
"Just read the book you're reading now and then tell me which part of you think you can publish that one day with that kind of standard?"
"You're not getting anywhere close! You might have to redo..."

So, you know what now? I'll just have to ignore those questions and screw 'em all by writing what I like. As for poems, I suppose I write more of them than a completed story. Truth be told, I've not written ANY completed stories that I would want to publish. As for school work and exams, of course they have an ending but with the time limit or word limit, I have no choice but to be quick. xD

After that, whenever I try to make the story longer, like what I've attempted for 2 or 3 times, I fail to accomplish that. It's kinda of funny when I admit this myself. xD

Gonna go read manga now~ I've written this long enough... From 10PM until 11:32PM...

Have fun and take care, everyone~!^^

Dreams ~ Just Like Real Life In A Way

2011-11-13T20:40:00.001+08:00

These were my latest dreams~ ;P
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is like any normal school day but today, something made me think that today is a different day.

Having finally fulfilled one of my dreams (or more like, secret desires), I brought my violin along today. Whether I will be playing or not, I do not know and neither do I care.

You see, all I ever wanted was to have Autumn by my side to cuddle and to make me feel confident even though I know I will never be good enough.

As expected, people stared and some plucked up the courage to ask me.

It was not really the attention that I wanted but more like the feeling of knowing that my beloved violin is with me.

I did not let go of my violin throughout the whole time in class. Recess finally came and my friends from other class came to find me. They asked me why I brought Autumn to school and as I was telling them, I opened the violin case.

The "violin" before me gave the shock of my life. My actual violin is gone! What's left in my bag is this hideous-looking thing made up of weird stuff just so it would look like a violin. I couldn't believe what's happening... Before I know it, I found my legs carrying me to the teacher's room to ask for help. I was desperate. Desperate to recover my precious violin. Desperate to get my beloved healer back. Autumn always made me feel better even though the reason for my frustration, anger and sorrow may sometimes be her. Autumn is my one and only violin... I cannot let her leave my side. Not now, not ever!

The discipline teacher was handling my case as the other teachers were eavesdropping.

Suddenly, my 2 friends came after me saying something. I rushed back to class, thinking I could reunite with Autumn again but instead, they led me to one of my classmate's drawer. They pointed at the opened wrapper with a creamy cookie inside. In my mind, I was like, what the hell...?

Since I'm already in class, I decided not to go back to the teachers.

I spent the whole time searching everybody's drawer and started to wish I didn't give in to my stupid dream.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another boring school day. In the morning, I reached the school when it's still quite dark. I settled down on a bench where my friends and I usually meet up with one another in the morning. A quiet, timid girl who's in the group of friends and I waited for the others to arrive. She asked me if I wanted to go to the toilet (as in asking me to accompany her in a way). I said no and after some time, I came to realize I needed to go myself but didn't say anything to her.

Not long after, another girl (a.k.a, the friend who used to be my classmate last year) came. She's usually late for school but today, she surprised us. She also asked if I wanted to go to the toilet. Having just said no not long ago, I decided to just wait until class starts.

After I've thought of that, my pretty friend and her group of friends came to ask whether I wanted to go to the toilet. This time, I agreed because there's so many of us.

It was like a journey. Pretty fun too even though I was tagging along behind with them with the timid girl.

Oh, by "journey", I meant it because my school has lots of toilets and even at places we hardly go to. We were trying to find a toilet that's open and available. We soon realized that many other girls were desperate to get to the toilet too.

Every time we run into a closed toilet, we say, "Nope, it's closed." and then followed by mumblings of disapproval, complaining about the school and the stupidity of the people in charge.

We eventually came across an available toilet. The toilet itself was weird. You see, the entrance itself leads to a cubicle and from that cubicle, there's another door to get to where the usual sinks and other cubicles are.

The timid girl and I were the last to come out of the toilet. Many girls were in the toilet and they did not hesitate to cut lines.

By the time she and I got out, we were searching for our group of friends. They disappeared...

I found them all the way downstairs sitting at a table. They occupied 2 tables: One for them to hang out and the other for them to put our cosplay costumes. (*Shrugs* Hey, don't ask me. I do not know how weird could this dream get.)

I pointed at where they were to show the timid girl so that she would stop worrying.

As she and I were getting closer to them, I asked the timid girl why did they bring all the things down.

By the time we reached their table, my pretty friend and her group of friends had to leave for some reason. Even the timid girl followed them.

I was left with my ex-classmate. There was nothing but this awkward silence. She broke the silence first by standing up and yelling at me.

"Why can't you be grateful that we got everybody's stuff down? Huh? Why are you always like this?! I can never understand you! You're never -"
"Woah, hold up! I didn't say I ain't grateful! I was grateful for the trouble you all took to bringing our stuff down and-"
"Then why can't you just shut up and be grateful without saying anything?"

My thought flashed back to the time I was questioning the timid girl. Desperation got a hold of me as I wished hard to clear this misunderstanding. Nothing worked out no matter how I tried to convince her I was grateful and touched by the trouble they took to getting both the timid girl's and my stuff down.

-----------------------------------------------------------

That was what I dreamt~

For the first dream, it's true I often thought of bringing my violin along to cuddle but that dream increased my worries of losing it. I do worry that these kind of things happen when I bring my violin out anywhere... I'm thinking I should lock the violin case if I ever bring it out anywhere except for attending violin lessons.

As for the second dream, there ain't any quiet and timid girl in my group of friends. Well, there's one but she didn't look anything like the one in my dream. xD

Not everything about the school was true but damn, they DO lock the toilets!

I'd say the adventure/journey is fun too even if it meant tagging along behind the crowd - because that's normal for me in real life already. xD

I actually dreamt of cosplaying as Hei from Darker Than Black. @.@ It must have been the night before when I looked at a cosplayers of Hei online. xD

Lastly, I was like, Bloody hell! the moment I woke up from that little misunderstanding. It was pretty much like that in real life but... to dream about something similar to that? My goodness, these situations will keep on haunting me! xD

Oh yeah, I am often misunderstood like that... These dreams just seem to show real things that happen but just not in that way. Awesome, right? =P

Take care and have fun, people~!^^

Real Life ~ My Girlish, Empty Talk

2011-11-07T21:28:00.000+08:00

Like most imperfect posts, I want to start this post with something that's irrelevant to 'girlish, empty talk'.

Ao no Exorcist, I love you!^^ You rock and I love the OSTs, OP & ED as well! :D

Right, back to topic. *Puts on rectangular black-rimmed spectacles with a no-joke face* (Psst, did I just act like Yukio Okumura?) *Fangirl giggle*

Some questions have been making me question my gender... Just kidding! I am straight (as far as I know... =o) but I was just wondering as usual. xD

1. Is it necessary to change the hairstyle once in awhile?

or

1. Is it boring to keep the same hairstyle all the time?

To me, I do not think it is boring to keep the same hairstyle all the time but (Yes, almost every sentence has a 'but'. =x) my pretty friend told me months ago that it's really boring to look the same for a long time. We got to this topic because she was talking about her friend who cut short her hair and ever since then, never keeps it long anymore. So my pretty friend asked, "Don't you just think that it is so boring to look like that all the time?" I have seen her friend and I thought she looked cute, cheerful and pretty. Seen her quite a few times and her look never bores me to death. Does this mean that I am the one with a problem? @.@

Come on, realistically, not everyone of us can afford a change of hairstyle. *Raises hand* I cannot say I am poor and neither can I say I am rich. In short, I come from ~~outer space~~ an average family. I do not want to have to keep throwing money at all these hairstyle maintenance... I could have used it all on violin-related matters, books, school-related matters and uh, not to mention EMERGENCIES? After all, most of the hairstyles won't last forever and I feel bad having to disturb my parents to get me to the hair salon (and pay for the haircut).

One more thing, "hair salon" is a foreign word to me in a way because I don't think I have ever been to one in my entire life (as in, never been there with the reason that has anything to do with my own hair). Please do not take this personally - even I myself desire a nice hairstyle that stops my hair from being so frizzy and stubborn!

2. Why do girls have so many shoes, clothes, bags (and the list goes on) and still buy more?

Oho, what a shame! I myself am a girl and yet I am the one questioning other girls out there. No offence though. This is just me being curious. ;)

Alright, before you all start shooting me or wanting to kill me in my sleep, I admit I have my own clothes and bags that I never use. Not saying I keep buying them though (this is the truth - true story ;D) Firstly, as much as I hate to admit, I have a strict family who watches whatever I buy and do (and say).

As for clothes, there are about 2 tops and a pair of long pants that I sorta regret having. This is all thanks to my stupidity early this year. I was trying hard again to be a normal girl. Of course, my mother nagged but in the end, I got away with those 2 tops.

Now, if I ever wear them (which I do not want to ever again), I'll feel so goddamn ugly and exposed. Just to clarify a few things, they are not the usual whorish or slutty clothes. They're considered goddamn decent compared to what you may have thought it to be but I guess I just wasn't used to having more of my shoulders exposed.

About bags, *laughs weakly* I have quite a few but they weren't mine in the first place and they cannot even store all the stuff I bring along. Even if they could store all the stuff I usually bring when I go out, they would not guarantee the safety of my stuff. xD

Being quite a perfectionist here, I make sure my book(s) - Yes, I bring a book or two with me to read whether I get to read much or not - do not have torn pages, folded pages, dog ears or 'wrinkles'. (Alas, "Where Rainbows End" by Cecelia Ahern was not in a really good condition because my mom flung it across the room to a dark, dirty and dusty spot when she got mad at me for not studying properly for exams back when I was 14. The book's now slightly blackish but still readable.)

A few months back, my old sling bag just couldn't support me anymore. I just have more things to bring along for "emergencies" to satisfy my endless "what ifs" and some of the new books were big, heavy and freaking thick.

Thus, the search for a more suitable bag started. I was looking for a black sling bag that's not too big, not too small and rectangular. It did not have to necessarily have many compartments. Simplicity is much appreciated just so long the books can fit in. I also wanted it to be made of fabric (Leather smells and cheap imitation ones just tear real easily). The sling bag better last for years too! =/

My family helped me search for that 'miracle and magical' sling bag that might not even exist or live up to my expectations. Finally, I stumbled across my "new fated partner" that's capable of keeping me company long enough. It took me weeks to consider but it was literally love at first sight the moment my eyes stopped to gaze at that bag.

I happily transferred the things into the new bag after happily purchasing it. In case you're curious, it's a messenger bag. ;P Hope ya don't face palm after knowing my preference. Hehe~ The new bag could even hold my fraying, fading, old, stained and worn out bag. If you also wondered what was it that I bring with me all the time, they're definitely my book(s), spectacle box, nail clipper, a wallet (hate to disappoint you but I do not bring much with me), comb and a cell phone (That is if I even remember to bring it along. xD). Yes, *waves a hand while hiding a smile* not the girlish person who brings make-up.

Have no idea since when but I became so paranoid that I have to ALWAYS grab my bag and make sure the zip didn't magically move an inch. =/ This is not normal, is it? =S

3. Why is it wrong to hate socializing?

Since I am not your typical girlish person, it is not weird for me to hate going out with people. I just hate attending parties and hanging out with people. Is this a disadvantage of not being allowed to attend parties and joining outings?

Not exaggerating but I have my heart in my mouth every single time I ask for permission to simply go to a friend's house or hang out with my friends. Back in elementary school, I was somewhat frequently invited to birthday parties and outings at shopping centres. Most of the time, I was not allowed to attend any of them. I stayed at home playing by myself most of the time. Luckily, I wasn't really bitter about it but sometimes I can't help wishing I was given more freedom. Friends eventually got the message and stopped inviting me.

Now, in secondary school, I am a teenage girl who hates socializing almost more than anything else in the world. That's not how AvPD came about though. AvPD started many years back. *smiles ruefully* I still get invited to some events but hardly, which is good in its own way. Because of that, I do not experience getting excited about shopping for a new outfit to attend an evening or night event. Here are 2 advantages I can think of about not being able to attend these events: I save time and money to do something else I feel more productive accomplishing.

Hmm, did I just stray far from the actual topic? xD Sorry, people~ So really, why is it wrong to be an anti-social? Why is it wrong to hate mixing with strangers? Why is it wrong to not want to make friends? Why is it wrong to want to be quiet and just blend in with the crowd? Why is it wrong to keep a low profile?

I truly feel the most comfortable when I am alone or with my family. Friends, close friends, best friends, I love most of you all but I just feel so hideous and stupid that I do not want to be with you all. I feel that I am not worthy of being with any of you all. So, thank you all for staying with me, whether you know how I really feel deep inside or not. I like to do my own stuff looking like a complete goof in my own house. xD Well, who doesn't?

It's really bothersome to have to be the civilized, polite and cheerful person with no problems out there. I often forget to greet my friends' family. I usually just fake a smile (like most times) and nod to acknowledge their presence. I gave up calling out "auntie" or "uncle" after reading so many books stating that some people just hate being called that because they would feel old.

Besides, I may be able to speak loud but with the lack of confidence, I feel that I would screw things up by being too loud or having a shaky and unstable voice. This is not a joke or excuse... The last time I was forced to read a passage aloud, I stuttered and messed up words to the extent that I felt like giving up. I thought I was actually dyslexic! *gives a look of horror* As expected, the students all laughed but my dear friend gave me a look that said, "What's up?".

To hide my humiliation, all I could do was laugh at myself even though I hate being laughed at. Hate being ridiculed. I also absolutely hate it when people laugh at me whenever I am angry or being serious. Really makes me feel like giving that person a slap. Hmph! If not a slap, I'd pinch both cheeks of that person and make 'em swell until he/she can smile no more. Maybe I'll even add a bruised eye to complete a simple HUMOROUS look that cartoon characters make after getting beaten up. (>.>)

As usual, I could only tolerate and pretend I'm cool with everything. Why is it that people can get away with an argument (may it be a short or long one; slight or bad one) and whenever I do decide to explode, they stop talking to me forever? This ALWAYS happens! What irks me more is when my other friends or family members side with them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gonna end the questions here. As you can see, I only had 3 questions that I could remember. xD

Lately, I do not feel like talking to anyone online. Problem? xD or more like Does that make me an anti-social?

Whatever it is, take care and have fun, everyone! ^^ For your information (whether you give a damn or not) I am not bitter or angry after the last few sentences. =P

Real Life ~ Life's Lil Joys

2011-10-29T22:32:00.001+08:00

As usual, I fantasize.

Every time I go for my violin lesson, I pretend I am performing. (In a way, I AM performing because people actually listen from the outside and I cannot afford to play badly either as my teacher is the one who decides whether I have the ability to get to the next grade.)

Now that Autumn shares the same room as me (Yes, she's my new roommate!), I often play for a bit after I just woke up, before a bath or when I just entered my room to do something else. With the full-length mirror in the room, I can get to see whether my hand is doing fine while bowing. I also check the vibrato and shifting. As much as I hate looking in the mirror, I think it's OK as long as I do not see my stupid, hideous face. xD

There's also the usual fantasizing while reading manga or watching an anime. As you all already know, I am the type to read/watch shoujo. Being the hopeless romantic here, I enjoy pretending that I am the girl character. Of course bad things happen to the characters in the story too but most of the time, the bishounen/guy character says the best lines (OK, so maybe some are cheesy but they aren't really that old.).

Lately, the iPod playlists are a big deal. I used to have LOTS of playlists but I realized that I do not play most of them even when I want to listen to some of the songs. Now, I have about 4 or 5 playlists. Of course, having so many songs, there's one playlist that lasts a day (24 hours)! There's also another one that lasts 18 hours. Oh well, that's gonna take quite awhile for me to finish a playlist... xD

There are generally 2 types of playlists for me:
-Anger Management
-Stress Management

I actually named a playlist "Anger Management"! It makes me smile whenever I see it. That playlist consists of rock, pop and soul music (Because they all have something in common).

Stress Management-type of playlists consists of instrumental and classical music. ^^

What I've Been Trying To Do:
1. Come up with a good short story
2. Write more poems
3. Finish that story I was supposed to do with my friend (which reminds me, he hasn't given me back the first book)

Of course all these shall be done AFTER the dreadfully time-consuming exams~ (coz they love to get in my way and they always do)

Alright, suddenly ran out of things to say so bye-bye~

Take care and have fun, you know I say that most of the time. ;P

Real Life ~ My Heart Pierced

2011-10-26T22:16:00.002+08:00

I've never felt this hurt for some time.

It all started with a misunderstanding. My mom, who doesn't pay attention to my violin playing (really, she doesn't even know what grade am I and she doesn't even listen to me whenever I practise), told me in the car that there was one classical song I used to play that was nice.

She doesn't know the title of the song so the moment I practised, I played ALMOST every song ('Almost' because there are just SO MANY songs to go through), hoping she will say, "That's the one!".

I was satisfied even though my new A string just loves to screech for no apparent reason. =/ It was like receiving a blessing from God when my mom said she liked one song.

When I asked her after my violin practice, can you guess what she told me?

She had this amused smile on her face and told me that she was referring to the song I played on the computer whenever I surf the net.

I know this may not mean anything to any of you but it HURTS ME A LOT!

It's like I am THAT bad and insignificant to be heard. I admit that I am not good enough and that it will never be but it doesn't mean I won't try even when I question myself sometimes. =(

Take care and have fun, people! xD

Real Life ~ Violin, Violin, Violin

2011-10-23T00:07:00.000+08:00

Let's see... I would LOVE to start this post by saying...

I LOVE VIOLIN!

Read that and multiply it by infinite! (Is that even possible?)

Okay, let's cut to the chase. In the last 'Real Life' post, I talked about my violin's A string unraveling. You know what my teacher told me when he saw it?

He said, "Oh, this? You can immediately throw it away."
"WHAT?! But the string is so expensive!" (About 40 dollars or more for that one goddamn string... I'm on budget, you see...)
My teacher then said, "What? Are you crazy? You plan to hurt your fingers? Shifting will be difficult and painful!"

I could only look down and get the new A string out. The new A string is about 3 dollars and 80 cents.

My teacher said to make that temporary... =(

Such a waste, right? You might be surprised to know that he told me that the cheap string matched my violin after all. So now I only have 2 'expensive' strings with 2 cheap strings. What he said can also be taken as an insult because all along, he had been calling my violin "the beginner one" or "the lousy one". He keeps telling me to go upgrade... (Which is what I will be talking about later on! xD)

My teacher taught me how to replace the string this time and well, it ain't bad for my first time!^^ After all, he's there to correct me. =D

The rest of the lesson was not bad even though I had to sorta get used to the new string (which occasionally goes out of tune). He told me once that I have to wait 2 weeks to have the tuning stable.

Fast-forwarding until the moment I reach a music shop in a shopping complex...

My mom surprisingly allowed me to go in and check out the violins there.

I happily tried out 3 violins. Starting with the 1,599 dollars, then 799 dollars and another 1,599 dollars.

The weirdest thing is that the cheaper one will somehow sound louder. My ears literally rung after playing. @.@ Can't say it hurt at all though. :D

Mom thought that the first violin I tested out sounded muffled. It could also be due to my crappy playing. I just didn't play with any 'emotions'. It just didn't feel so right when it ain't Autumn... xD

To be frank, even though my teacher let me play his violin during lessons (not throughout the whole lesson), I still do not have the confidence to judge a violin that's worth buying. (>.<)

My teacher also told me before that it's all depending on our preference in the end, which is what books said as well.

*Shrugs* I gotta admit that I am scared of getting scammed again when it comes to buying musical instruments...

I truly wish that I am wise when it comes to picking out the best music-related stuff! *Sighs*

I also wished that I could play better so that I didn't have to feel so...so... plain!

Maybe La Cora D'oro Primo Passo got something right:

No one can beat the connection/bond(corda) between the instrument and its owner.

Just love that line because in my case, I play Autumn the best among the rest of the violins. Well, of course there's the chance of me playing better once I get used to other violins. Didn't I say I want to treat all violins as an individual? This will be one of the disadvantages of being like that and... I am still going to keep my word on that! ;P

My mom liked the 800 dollar violin but she wants to think a bit more. She still thinks 10,000 dollar violin is just outrageous. Sigh, till now, she just doesn't understand how serious I am but you know what? I worry that I will suddenly change and become one who doesn't play the violin anymore. Mom wants to save the money for college anyways (which is a good reason for not upgrading).

Can't even imagine how long I will have to take to get 10,000 dollars to get a violin like my teachers and that is NOT including the good bow because my teacher's bow costs 2000 dollars... *Faints* Been thinking of getting a part-time job (some day... somewhere.... somehow...) to get that violin...

Of course I also worry about not having the time in the future... I had this dream of performing at parties for my colleagues (If there's ever any), friends and family. Again, the fear and shivering will start the moment I go out to perform. In fact, I'll start shivering when I wait to have my name called out. This is why I rather perform at any time I want and also to perform quite a few songs so that I can get used to the crowd and atmosphere.

To be able to play like how I did in the store while testing is considered a big achievement already... Last year, I could not play a song and did not even know how to hold a violin nor a bow. A few months back when I tested out in another store, I couldn't play well even though I was about Grade 5 or 6. Back then, I was not used to the 'expensive' strings because I could only play steel strings at that time. xD

Now, I come back to haunt the stores to see I can do any better. Well, not the same as when I usually play but I can definitely tell the difference. =x I kinda know what to look for in a violin...

Oops, sorry, people, I am talking mindlessly! Didn't upgrade but it was a good chance to test out other violins besides my teachers'. xD

Take care and have fun, everyone!^^

Requested Essay: My Life-Changing Friend

2011-10-21T22:41:00.004+08:00

Before you read it, I want to thank my true life-changing friend. This story is pretty much true except certain parts. =P Hope I do not somehow offend anyone though... (>.<)

Continuous Writing: Write a story which begins with the following: School will never be the same now that my best friend has gone.

School will never be the same now that my best friend has gone. I never thought that a friend could mean so much to me. He gradually changed my life ever since we met one another. We rarely spoke to one another back in the year 2008 when we were classmates.

Arthur was my classmate back then and nothing more. However, I made friends and somehow got to know more about him. He gave me an impression he was a person who only knew how to joke about without taking anything seriously. He was always laughing and smiling. He often said things that made the teachers mad.

I used to always write poems back then. I wrote about everything that happened to me. I wrote about my friends as well. Those poems would be uploaded onto a website meant for us poets to share our works. Back in 2008, I made a huge mistake and ended up heartbroken. My other friend, Tulip, who is a girl, was part of the cause for my heartache that did not heal until months later.

Tulip told Kenneth, the heart-breaker and Arthur, my life-changing friend about me posting poems online. Kenneth, being who he really was, did not really apologize for what he did to me. Surprisingly, Arthur comforted me and told Kenneth off for being so mean.

Kenneth turned out to be my only true friend after all even though he and I were not that close. He amazed me because he just did not seem to be the type of person who would care about others so much. Him having defended me made me realize that he was not only a classmate.

In 2009, I started having problems with friends. Sadly, I do not recall doing anything that chased them away. Once again, I started writing poems about them leaving me. They read the poems online and eventually no longer talked to me. Arthur misunderstood me and told me hateful things. That was one of the hardest thing to overcome in my whole life. I cried day after day until he apologized.

All the while I had been crying and even after his apology, I kept on thinking back, trying to change who I was back then. I realized that no one liked me being sensitive, emotional and morbid. To be honest, I tried to commit suicide ever since the heartbreak.

Arthur's words may have struck a nerve and truly hurt my feelings but what he said was most probably true. I was being selfish and I never thought of asking my old friends the reason for abruptly avoiding me.

It was only in the year 2009 when Arthur and I became close friends. We would always have something to talk about. We even talked online. We were practically inseparable. We comforted one another, helped one another and watched each other's back.

We helped each other with our studies. This year, 2011, I found out that I have a personality disorder known as Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). People did not know so they continued being unconsciously harsh to me. He still stayed by my side even after knowing about the disorder.

One day, he had to leave to study overseas and may not be coming back. He became so incredibly busy over there that he no longer got in touch with me. He also stopped staying in touch with our other friends. I have always thought of how life would be like without him. Well, I admit now that I did not mean it when I thought about that.

As much as I want him back here physically by my side, he will most likely never come back. I was depressed for the first few weeks of his absence but when I finally had the courage to think of what he brought to my life, I decided to thank fate for bringing us together back in the year 2008.

I want to thank him for defending me when I could not fight back. He was there to nag when I gave up studying after failing a test. He patiently listened to my complaints and sob stories. He was there to make me smile ear to ear and laugh the loudest. He is the best friend anyone would ask for.

Thinking back now, he changed my view of life and changed me. I am now a much more cheerful person. I understand people better and have made more true friends. All these were precious gifts from him to me. I hope he has a better life overseas and wherever he goes because he deserves it all. Thank you, my life-changing friend.

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My own comment: Okay, so this essay could have been better. Less history-like and more..."impact" for the readers. Who knows, I just might rewrite in the future - just with a different theme and title. ;P

Real Life ~ Friend or Foe

2011-10-20T23:50:00.002+08:00

Who knew I'd actually be needing to ask myself this one day? (Well, apart from other times when I questioned myself but this time, the question is somehow haunting me and making me wonder a lot)

Friend or Foe? (Reminds me of a song of TATU's!)

When exam comes, this is by far one of the best times for me to know the true colours of people. You see, my pretty friend, whom surprised me by being extremely nice and pretty at the same time (after all, usually pretty girls like her aren't nice on the inside), is very desperate when exams start.

I can easily see it on her face. Those burning eyes, practically shouting, asking for answers! (Reminds me of the poem "He Had Such Quiet Eyes" by Bibsy Soenharjo) Here's a confession (Another confession! xD), she asked me for answers during exam. She isn't the only one too. =/ And, nothing to be shocked about, I was dumb enough to give the answers even though I wasn't sure they're even correct at all. I admit I NEVER liked giving answers.

Even when we had to write an essay ( English & BM), she asked. This time, she did not get to ask because I successfully pretended to be asleep (and end up feeling kinda sleepy in the end. Lol.) and our class teacher made us all sit differently. To my relief, I am away from her. Sadly, there is still one who asked like, for every paper except essays. xD

Today, I finally have the courage to say, "No!" to that girl. Fortunately, she did not try to wake me up or get my attention for answers. *wipes sweat*

As I was saying, this pretty friend does not seem to know that I, like many others during this time of the year, am busy studying the whole day. It is OK to call and ask me if it's in the day or latest by evening but it is NOT OK to call me at night and so close to my bedtime. I was freaking out and so close to breaking down when she suddenly called, making me have no choice but to answer. (Yes, I ain't a nice person.)

It was History and I suck at that subject and absolutely am NOT prepared for it whatsoever. I had tips to give her but I had so little time left that even I myself was desperate (but not desperate enough to ask for answers during exam).

Thanks to that, I could not sleep well and for the whole time of the next day, which was the day of History exam, I felt guilty and bad. I kept scolding myself for being such a mean and useless friend. Also, for being an unreliable friend.

I understand that History is not a very easy subject for everyone of us and she agrees with me on that too. Or course she would want tips. =(

This really effed-up moment came the moment she approached me (like most times before exam starts) to study with me (but usually end up sharing book with me, which is slowing me down). She herself had tips. Her tips were even more detailed than mine. Things started having more "What-the-eff moments" when she was curiously watching my reaction when she showed me the tips.

Knowing that she asked for tips the night before as if she did not know anything, she still had the nerve to show me those tips! She asked me this, "Now that you know what's coming out, you... don't even want to rush to study those topics immediately?" Can you believe it? So, in the end, I didn't feel so bad after all. I felt stupid for feeling so bad instead. -.-

Sure, I still feel bad and all... I've been thinking that maybe my best friend was right after all when he said that she was just using me.

Sigh, I am tired of convincing myself that she isn't a person whom I thought her to be. Like from the book "Who's That Girl?" by Alexandra Potter, I've been like the main character, convincing myself that the person was perfect. The only difference between the main character and I is that she was referring to her boyfriend (who proposed to her). On the other hand, I was referring to me pretty friend.

Again, like in the book "Be Careful What You Wish For" by Alexandra Potter, she made a point when the main character in the book asked, "Why is it that the good-looking guy gets all the girls and not the nice friend of his?" Something like that. Sorry, cannot remember well. =( Whatever it is, just change the question to: "Why is it that the pretty friend gets all the attention and popularity and not the friend of hers?"

It's ALWAYS like that to me! It's always: "Me, the other friend of hers.", "Me, the quiet friend of hers.", or "Oh, me, who hangs out with the pretty one."

I am beginning to think that I will forever remain like that.

For the English exam, I loved the question that asked whether beauty was necessary to lead a successful life. Of course we're all meant to answer, "No" but back in many people's mind (in fact, you do not even have to go way back), I know that people these days judge by the way others look. So now, I have come to the conclusion that if you can accurately judge people by the way they look, then by all means do so even though most of us would love a chance to change any negative impression we give.

Another thing, before I forget, I have once again filtered my friend list on facebook and you know what? I realized that I never needed those people.

Just not long ago, this friend of mine said he wanted to have a drum set to beat out all his emotions. I remember he said that he wanted to play cello and after he finally got it, he never spoke of it anymore. It was as if he quit learning! So I decided to be sociable once and for all and asked him, "What about cello?" I was worried that it might have been a sensitive subject to him but what the heck, maybe I was thinkin' too much.

Guess what did he do? He REMOVED that comment of mine.

For some time, I felt bad and told myself, "Way to go, girl. Now you've gone and made his feelings worse!"

When I went to his page, he mentioned something about a broken heart. I wondered if he purposely said that to get his ex-girlfriend to see his status.

When I told one of my family members about this case, she told me that he only wanted to talk to people who are in his group. He belongs to the naughty and popular group - the kind of group that I despised the most.

In the end, I deleted him from my friend list along with MANY people like him. I kept only maple and friends who actually know how to RESPOND from time to time. Oh yeah, and some friends from elementary school. xD

Know what's sad and pathetic? When the rest of the world are adding people and making more friends, I am removing people and making less friends.

*Gives a sad smile* Well, AvPD is stuck with me, eh? I just cannot 100% be who I am and do what I truly intended to without making a big misunderstanding. A total klutz who just so happen tripped so many times today. *pouts*

Exam times can even make you realize which friend comes to you only when he/she/they want answers.

I felt that my pretty friend purposely shared books with me even when she had her own notes to read (and a big reference book too at that) just so that I will not do well in the exam.

You see, people are often mistaken, thinking that I am a smart person when in truth, I am just your ordinary (or not so ordinary) dumbo. She probably saw me as a threat and tried to get her marks better than mine.

Silly girl... She doesn't need to go to that extent to do that!

I am NOTHING compared to the rest of the world! Making me any more worse won't even make a difference.

Oh well, that's life for now but I am glad to know there's still 2 BEST FRIENDS whom I can trust and a lovable yet pitiful violin by my side.

Pitiful because my teacher kept saying that Autumn isn't good enough and that it's really about time to upgrade the violin.

Today, this weird thing happened to me:
I was practising my violin when I realized the thinner outer wire of the A string started unraveling! That string wasn't very cheap and now I worry it will affect the playing. Cannot even imagine the extra pain I will feel whenever I shift positions now with that prickly wire unraveling. =( Gotta ask my teacher for advice. I really do not know what to do and I do not want to change the string either. It's just too expensive to change and it's the only good A string I have. T.T

Oh well, that's it for today. Take care and have fun, people! ^^

Real Life ~ Unforgettable Animes & Mangas

2011-10-06T22:37:00.003+08:00

There is one thing I also want to admit:

No one really checks out anything I recommend and yet I still continue recommending!

So, naturally, that means no one is really going to read this post BUT my stubborn and peculiar nature made me continue publishing this post. Ain't that just so funny?

Alright, I am going to warn any of you readers first that I am mainly into shoujo/shojo anime and mangas. *folds arms* There you go, say whatever you want because I cannot help being attracted to romantic plots than gory or those filled with action. After all, I am still a girl despite some tomboyish traits. (>.>)

I remember Tokyo Mew Mew. It was one of the first animes I have ever watched. Know what's funny? I actually felt shy whenever it comes to lovey-dovey or romantic scenes. For example, hugging, kissing, hand-holding, blushing, confessing. Anything like that. Obviously doing the 'ahem' is also included in those lil romantic scenes. *rolls eyes*

So what got me interested in the anime? Actually, I do not really have any idea. OK, fine, the romance is not all that bad. The bishounens (Oh my gosh, the bishounens!) are as usual, looking bishy. I love how almost all characters have their own 'partners' (nudge, nudge) to be with. If I have not mistaken, I think there is still a love triangle in this anime. *shrugs* It's been years since I last watched. I have tried watching it all over again but I cannot tolerate all the buffering and loading. Plus, the DVD stores just don't sell that anime. =(

Next, Alice Academy / Gakuen Alice is a sweet anime I've watched right after Tokyo Mew Mew. Like most fans, I immediately love the coupling of Natsume Hyuuga with Mikan Sakura!^^

This anime is different from the manga. Sad that the anime ended and that there doesn't seem to be any second season, I turned towards the manga. I read the manga from where I last stopped. I was so stupid in the past that I did not realize the manga will update eventually. So, having told you that, I stopped reading. Years after, I went back to watching animes and reading mangas. I realized that mangas will be updated so I decided to read right form the start for this title. =D

Next up, Chibi Vampire / Karin is not to be left out in my list of favorite and unforgettable animes/mangas!

I LOVE the coupling of Usui Kenta and Maaka Karin! To tell the truth, they are my ideal couple. Er, to be exact, I just think couples should be like them. They are both thoughtful and considerate. Even though Usui may not be good for Karin's health (as said in the manga), Usui still went against what her family told him to do because he just loves her. I know that may not be very thoughtful or considerate of him but you know what? Even I will want to go ahead and be with the one I love. ;) After all, I am a hopeless romantic (sad to say...). I say that they are thoughtful and considerate because Usui offers Karin his neck to bite whenever she cannot endure it anymore. In return, Karin thinks about Usui's happiness and prepares lunch boxes for him. They are like one of the sweetest couple ever!

Parfait Tic, one of the most frustrating mangas ever is definitely in my list!

I still cannot get over the frustration even though I have already forgotten a lot. I cannot remember the names and all but I plan to read that manga all over again after I finish Chibi Vampire (again). This manga made me kick up a fuss whenever I see events after events go by in the volumes. One word to describe the main character (who's a girl) : Indecisive!

Talking about indecisive, Shinshi Doumei Cross is also another frustrating and unpredictable manga.

I just love the drawing. Sweet love and heart-wrenching twists of plot. Enough said. Well, close enough. The ending sorta surprised me but I guess I would have trouble choosing between the 2 guys too. ;P

Vampire Knight~ Yes, I know this anime and manga is in many people's list.

It was so unpredictable (Yeah, there were a few twists that got me there!) left me depressed for the characters for a long time, to the extent that I no longer read the manga. I am just waiting for the 3rd season if there are any at all... =( Maybe I should read the manga after all! (>.<) By the way, I still support Zero and Yuuki! *pouts*

How can I ever forget D.Gray Man?

I watched this as an anime and am still waiting for the 3rd season! ;P This one is definitely shounen but with a bit of shoujo in it. You know what kept me watching? The bishounen. YES, THE BISHIES! And, in case you do not know, I am a crazy person after bishies. ;) For a start, Allen Walker, Yuu/Yu Kanda, Lavi and so on (because I cannot remember names that well). Even Lenalee (I hope I got her name right!) is lookin' pretty. =)

Beauty Pop is a manga that I cannot forget~ Well, I only forgotten the names of characters and title. Took me awhile to get the title down! =o

Nice bit of romance and it got me interested in hairstyling. xD

OK, I cannot hold it in anymore. I am going to just mention Darker Than Black and its second season, Ryuusei no Gemini. I have been trying not to think about it just yet but there we go! xD

I am absolutely obsessed with it now and I am dying to watch the 3rd season! (Plus a billion more exclamation marks!) As you can see, this bishy-crazed freak there is truly, madly, totally, MADLY (Oops, I already mentioned it but oh well! ;D) in LOVE with Hei!

I have a condition when it comes to liking a bishy character: Love only the good people.

So Hei usually comes off as a cruel person who has lost his emotions but he showed good traits too and I guess I have liked him way before I even watched the anime! =x

Naruto is an anime I will always love...

I know many people hate Naruto himself but I liked him a lot. I like him being with Hinata...

Fairy Tail, another awesome anime~

I like almost all characters and even though I haven't been watching this anime (including Naruto), I cannot really pair up any of the characters... Lucy with Loki? Or Lucy with Gray? Or Lucy with Natsu? Erza with... er... I forgotten his name (Oh no!)... Whatever~

Damn, I am slowly forgetting the animes/mangas I loved!

Ouran High School Host Club! Wonderfully funny and the anime has a sweet ending. I did not read it as a manga though.

Yankee-kun to Megane-chan, Oresama Teacher, Otomen, Nononono, Elfen Lied, Akuma to Love Song (The Devil and her Love Song), Faster Than a Kiss, Kuroshitsuji (The Black Butler), Barajou no Kiss, Arakawa Under The Bridge and many more are my favorites!

Kaichou wa Maid Sama! will be another of my favorite too. =) Love that Usui Takumi. xD Misaki is a girl whom I want to be!

I know I left out a lot of titles (mainly because I have forgotten them... ).

Till then, one day I will publish another post like this! ^^

Take care and have fun! =D

Real Life ~ Love This Morning

2011-10-02T12:22:00.002+08:00

Let's see, I woke up and continued reading my book without trying to fall asleep again because it was already 10AM or so.

Then, I felt MUCH better but immediately realized the crazy things I've said, which revealed the incredibly messed up mind I have. @.@

Gomenasai, readers.

Last night, fortunately, I did not cry myself to sleep because a good book successfully distracted me even though I could still remember those problems.

So, if it makes any of you feel better, I want you all to know that guilt has been stabbing me since last night right up until this moment itself.

Whatever it is, that book was "Who's That Girl?" by Alexandra Potter. I forgotten to mention that Alexandra Potter is also another amazing writer!^^ I wanted to buy another book written by her but the price has not gone down. =/

"Who's That Girl?" reminds me of the song sang by Hilary Duff. =D

I have not listened to that song for a long time so now that I am listening to it, I can kinda relate to it. =P

Gonna go watch the second season of Darker Than Black: Ryuusei no Gemini again~

Yesterday I finished the first season so now that I will be watching the first episode of Season 2, it means I won't be able to really see Hei. Oh well, I can always remember how he looks like because his looks stay in my mind whether my eyes are closed or not. xD

Yes, besides the psychotic girl, I am the crazy fan of certain bishounen and Hei is my current favorite!

Hehe~

Take care and have fun anyways. Think of PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS DANCING OVER RAINBOWS~!

Real Life ~ Another Confession Box

2011-10-02T00:31:00.002+08:00

Is it even normal for me to be mad or annoyed so easily? I mean, I know I suck at hiding feelings and all but I still managed to hide them and control them...

Just one slight word said wrong, I start getting angry.

Why? (I asked myself so many times already!)

If you think this is because I am a teenager, then maybe you're partly wrong because if you look at me as a human, regardless of the age - Oh dang it, I don't even know where is this going.

Like the old times when I suddenly become like this, I isolate myself and you know what? I am going to repeat the same thing. At times, or at MOST times, I heal myself.

Who healed me when I was often depressed back when I was 13 and 14? Myself and some other hobbies. Maybe friends helped too but having AvPD has made me have problem trusting people. I also dare not trust people because... who knows, they might just suddenly leave your life when you needed them most.

Who healed me when people made me mad? Myself and again, hobbies. Sometimes a friend would help but...

Who healed me when THAT friend or a friend whom I am very close to was the one who hurt me? Myself, time and hobbies. Isolation usually helped too because I tend to be insensitive the most at that kind of time.

Simon Cowell said he preferred to be alone when he gets really down or depressed.

I am quite a lot like him too - minus the fame and fortune. xD

Did growing up being an only child make me tackle things alone when I know that I cannot disturb or ask my parents for help?

After all, I made mistakes myself and learned the hard way alone most of the time... I played by myself because I know that it tires and annoys my parents to join in. That's one thing good about me being a teenager now because to them, they can talk about more things related to their age and so on, including problems.

Not saying my parents do not care about me or anything but that was how I dealt with things, especially as I get older and somewhat stupider... Of course my parents helped too. In fact, I think they've done enough to help even though I ask for help time and time again. I don't think I deserve the help and I do not know if I can even do anything back in return in the future.

Yeah, yeah, I am a negative person but I am being realistic too. =/

So... I am going to isolate myself even though I am used to chatting with my closest friends! *winces*

Now that I am like this again and that chatting honestly did not help, I will have no choice but to deal with this alone again. So sorry, to the readers, who are also one of my closest friends.

Truth finally told:

I isolate myself when things get really bad.

There's nothing anyone can really do because this is another battle with myself. I agree with you if you think I am absolutely lunatic and that I need professional help! Funny thing is, they say crazy people do not even know they are crazy!

I admit violin is not the way of calming myself because I care too much about perfection but I do not want to give it up and regret like how I regret quitting piano. I admit I have thought of quitting violin before because of the expensive fees and some other problems. There, I said it!

I also admit that my closest friends hurt and offend me too but again, isolation helps. (Thank goodness for the one week of holiday so that I can use that time to revise and compose myself again! *wipes sweat*)

So close to crying...

Let this be another night to cry myself to sleep then!

I am mentally messed up! I am not a nice person and I do not deserve anything good even though I would still like to be treated well.

So readers, I thank you for reading up till here and I apologize for saying disturbing things!

Heck, I am sleeping now. xD (Gonna be reading book before sleeping though. =x)

Take care and have fun! *Gives a wry smile*

Real Life ~ Lovable Authors

2011-10-02T00:02:00.003+08:00

Lately, I bought about 3 books from a book fair.

They are:
1. Kissed By An Angel - Elizabeth Chandler
2. Dark Secrets 1 - Elizabeth Chandler
3. Musicophilia - Oliver Sacks

I started by reading "Kissed By An Angel", thinking it was an ordinary love story - just with angels this time.

Whoa, I got it all wrong about it being ONLY a love story because this book got me paranoid and insecure! I could not stop reading too because I wanted to get over my paranoia real quick and find out the truth.

This amazing book with an amazing plot is a romance-mystery. =D

I usually do not read mystery but this will be my favorite one. This book got me suspecting every character as the murderer except the main character and her mom. xD

As for the 2nd book I read, which is "Dark Secrets 1", again, both stories in the book made me think that all the characters were the murderers except the main character.

Instead of making me paranoid (I am naturally paranoid though), the 2 stories in the book made me worry for the main character's safety.

In short, Elizabeth Chandler, pseudonym for Mary Claire Helldorfer, is a very talented, humorous and imaginative writer. =) I truly respect her and when I read the biography of hers from "Dark Secrets 1".

She shall be one of my idols~ I dream to be a writer like her and... I am desperate to read more of her books! Sadly, I cannot find any in book shops. =(

Maybe I will find more of her works in the future. =D

Another one of my favorite author is Cecelia Ahern. I think I have read almost ALL of her books and including "The Book of Tomorrow", which is the latest book I read that's written by her.

Cecelia Ahern is a humorous writer who's also imaginative. Talented as well, she has written a lot of different types of stories. I never thought that such stories could even exist until I read hers. She really amazes me time and time again! ^^

"Where Rainbows End" by Cecelia Ahern is my all-time favorite but I think "The Book of Tomorrow" is even with it now! "The Gift" by the same author is also a very touching and beautiful story. I hope I got the title right though. (>.<)

The first author who got me reading books after books is and will always be Jacqueline Wilson!

Funny, imaginative, creative and somewhat understanding, she made me start turning to books instead of lazing around wondering what to do and what little games to play alone (seeing as I am the only child).

The first book I read (written by Jacqueline Wilson) was "Double Act". The touching story got me wanting more and more. I kept borrowing more of books written by Jacqueline Wilson. I eventually bought books too. Now, I have a box filled with Jacqueline Wilson's books!

I still love "Love Lesson" and "Kiss". As for "Kiss", I will re-read because I keep wanting things to turn out differently. You see, I love books like that, books that frustrates me.

Same for "Where Rainbows End", it was frustrating even though I am glad the ending turned out well. Because it was so frustrating, I keep on reading it to hope that it will change by itself, knowing that is impossible and even if it did magically change, I will go back to hoping nothing changed. ;P

Jean Ure, another favorite authors back when I was crazy about Jacqueline Wilson. As for this author, I didn't read as many books as the ones written by Jacqueline Wilson but some stories got me worried for the characters. I swear the stories made me learn a lesson.

Speaking of learning lessons, "The Book of Tomorrow" taught me a lot as well. Hmm, I am not going to say what I learnt from the book because:
1. I do not want to be a boring old righteous person who acts innocent.
and
2. No one is going to read this post or this part anyways.

Basically, I admit that no one really cares about this blog and no one enjoys reading everything.

Even so, you will find me continuing posts for now because I am stubborn enough to keep on ranting and talking crap. =P

Real Life ~ What's This?

2011-10-01T00:19:00.002+08:00

Here's a short post on a question that I cannot seem to answer...

How do I stop being damn angry and frustrated with myself?

Lately, (well, it has been like this from time to time but this is getting much too frequent that this problem is bugging me a whole lot) I have been making myself do more productive things just to feel better. I force myself to write and all everyday... I just keep on doing things even though I am already dead tired or really not in the mood for anymore of them.

Because of that, I suddenly just feel like dropping every goddamn work I have right now and sit back relaxing. What's bugging me more is that now exams are coming and it's just the worst time to feel like this! I am terribly disappointed in myself. Even for those subjects I don't hate, I just cannot bring myself to really absorb anything from reading and writing. I just ran out of mood!

Every time I put down the book or pencil, my mind starts racing and I'll get very agitated. I just keep on thinking of how I will not be useful at all, how I'm slacking and not doing anything productive. Truth is, I've been tired even though I get enough sleep. I don't get WHY do I have to be so sleepy for! I am so desperate now. T..T

Am I developing some new kind of disorder? Isn't Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) bad enough already? I hate it a lot too when my parents do not understand that I literally torture myself just because I feel that I am slacking. I admit I have been obsessed with reading my own books that are not related to school but how else do I get the chance to still enjoy this messed up life?

Even now, I am feeling totally frustrated. Every day seems like a waste to me because I feel that I could have done more things. The more this problem bugs me, the more tired I get and the more I want to give up living.

Whatever it is, I know none of you can really give me an answer but take care and have fun as always! =3

Real Life ~ Rant-a-thon

2011-09-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

Hey there, people! I am supposed to be copying notes now but you know what? Exam is near but I think I will not be able to gain anything if I write anything more for now. My hand is absolutely aching! (Psst, typing is pretty tiring to my already-aching hand but it's much faster than writing when the sentences are forming real quick in my messy mind.)

Let's see... I have been gathering topics after topics to rant on for days and possibly weeks. I imagined things to say and titles to give to this post.

Starting with what happened today (while I can still remember), I will not give details or anything so that the person will not kill me (>.<)

Recap: That girl is not an entirely nice person. She's really bossy and she usually just wants everything to go her way. She rarely accepts other people's way of doing things. She doesn't always watch what she says and LOVES to interrupt when people are talking.

Don't hate me for saying all of that because apparently, quite a few agree with me.

Right, back to topic. My friend was teaching me and my other friend but then, as expected, this girl suddenly budge in and do all the asking and talking. I was like, fine, go do whatever you want because I am fine with studying myself too. I don't need you to ruin my life any longer. My friend who was learning with me also gave up and eventually left my class. Before she left, she told me she had things to ask but because of you-know-who, she stopped waiting for a chance and walked off.

This girl made me think that it would be the end of the world when she and I are apart. She made me think that I will not be able to get anything done without her. Who knew... She was the one holding me back all along... And I was even told that, just that I kept denying at that time. This is why I TRY real hard not to think that i cannot live without certain people.

~~Hyper-~~Realistically, most of us humans need others to be able to live a somewhat perfect life. Not saying that anything's perfect but just good enough or just plain good. Even rich people need connections and help from others to make things work out. We, whether we are a 'somebody' or a 'nobody', we still need people to help out. (Okay, maybe I usually turn down my closest friends' help and some other people's along the way but that's because I think I relied too much on people.)

Woah, I gave myself a surprise by writing this much just on ONE thing. There are more but sadly, I did not write it all down and cannot remember more. So... goodbye people.

JUST JOKING!

Second thing to rant on - my ~~dearest~~ classmate this year.

Most of my friends including the girl I mentioned back in the first rant have agreed with one another that this classmate of mine ain't no nice kitty to play with.

I hate to have to say this but even my other classmates find it a big problem to get along with her. =x

This classmate of mine here loves to sleep in class. She can be hot and cold. She is a hypocrite and she does not really care about your feelings all the time. Naturally, she just says what comes to mind. Funnily enough, she can still think of how you're feeling at times. She doesn't always pay attention in class because it's either sleeping or just drawing. (Oh my gosh, she will MURDER me when she sees this!) This classmate does not care much of her own health. She just drinks and eats whatever she pleases.

Oh yes, the guilt is kicking in real fast. I feel like a complete b!tch. =( Oh well, I deserved it anyways.

Continuing, this classmate sits beside me so she EXPECTS me to actually wake her up when I am busy paying attention to what the teacher is saying and what work we're supposed to be doing. What crosses the line is when she makes me her goddamn stupid alarm clock.

"Wake me up 10 minutes later."
"Give me 5 more minutes."
"Wake me up at (insert time here)."

It is absolutely useless waking her up because she continues sleeping.

After the teacher is done with the explaining or after the bell rings (or after she got scolded by the teacher), she wakes up with usually bloodshot eyes accusing me of not waking her up.

That was what ticks me off the most. I feel like punching or slapping her without a thought. THAT ought to wake her up! Hmph! *turns back pouting and fuming*

Many times I try to let her know not to keep on saying things like that and expecting me to be wonder woman doing everything for people all the time. Sadly, my weaker side just never lets me defend myself.

Wow, way to go, I really SUCK at defending. Not only defending myself but others as well. And when I DO try my best to defend, it always end up awkward or just taken as pathetic. *facepalm*

Hmm... Now I am really cracking my brain wondering what is the other thing I want to rant on.

Dang it. This time, I am sorry but I really forgotten. @.@

It is not goodbye yet though because I haven't started on what I've been doing lately. xD

Amazingly chatty today, right? (How did this happen, I wonder?)

Violin News: I finally learned left pizzicato plus bowing at the same time. Well, not exactly same time but both put together in a way. xD In the music score, there will be a "+" sign to show left pizzicato above the music notes. There are some notes without the "+" above them so it means normal bowing (most never mention the bowing direction). Gah, one of the ABRSM Grade 7 songs have that skill in it. I cannot remember the full title for the song but I remember part of the title that says "Sarasate". *shrugs*

Before I forget (Ooh, I am aging no matter how young I seem to look), I have been trying to write an incredibly good poem with the theme of love. Yes, I said that word. I actually did not plan to let any of you know the theme of the poem but oh well, must have slipped my... fingers? o.0

I have been thinking about it for months, writing over and over (all different), thinking hard of ways to change my usual boring style of writing poems. Today I finally got to make some of the poems rhyme but it just isn't long enough or good enough. I just cannot seem to feel the 'oopmh" or what people like to call "impact" from reading the poems I've tried writing.

You see, I cannot capture the actual feelings. Not sure if they can EVEN be captured but just to let you know, I won't write anything of what I haven't been through for poems. I'll save those other sort of works for the future to write. Hopefully, by then, my imagination widens.

Another topic I want to touch on before I publish this post - Teenagers I never knew existed in my country.

You've seen shopaholics (often females) shop for clothes, accessories and shoes for hours. You've seen crazy girls after brands of all sorts. In fact, those brands are so out of this world that they are not even known to me! The price must have cost a billion bodies! You've seen females crazy for the latest stuffs.

Well, whatcha waitin' for? They're in my world too! I am not just talking about the common female dogs you usually meet in my school and life but I am talking about from those common female dogs to my very own cousin(s). Brands, Parties, Showing off.... EVERYTHING! Nothing left out.

What made me realize once and for all was that I have finally come to know girls who spend hundreds over ONE dress. And, what's more shocking is that her/their mother/mothers actually bother CONSIDERING!

Not long ago, as usual, I do not know the things going on at my school but there was a party held by the Christian Fellowship or something. This girl is a cheerleader and she is graduating this year. You know about cheerleaders (sociable, popular, extremely vain, attention-seeker) ... She bought a dress that cost a hundred plus just for that one night of party. I think she bought high heels too. 2 high heels, if I have not mistaken.

That was not the end, it seems. These dresses usually need dry-cleaning. NOW, there is this prom night thingy held for the students graduating. I didn't know there's prom night held every year for those students until my pretty friend told me. This girl obviously wants to stand out and look the best.prettiest and bla bla bla so now, she goes for a great big evening gown hunt.

She went shops after shops and could find none with hundred dollars as the cheapest piece of clothing. Finally, after a VERY long time of hunting, she came upon a dress she and her sister love that cost.... *drum rolls* a whopping 400 + dollars!

Her mother considered whether to buy it for her or not. If I've not mistaken, I think her mom agrees to let her have it. *faints* With 400 dollars, you could have bought so much more... Well, who am I to say? I buy anime DVDs and books while she buys girl stuff. *shrugs*

Her mother went to the shop for wedding gowns and most probably for the flower girls and so on too. Her mom was thinking of renting one instead of always buying more dresses. Just so you know, the daughter said she wants a dress no one has seen before when her mom told her to wear the one she wore for the Christian Fellowship party (or whatever it is...)

Come on, I never knew such princess-like girls existed so close to me. Well, not THAT close but wow, I cannot get over the fact that girls in my country can be like that. Even my mom was shocked to know about it.

The mother decided not to rent the dress because the package including hair, makeup and dress cost about 320 dollars. Thing is, you cannot keep the dress!

I know I've seen many of my acquaintances wearing expensive-looking dresses but never has it ever crossed my mind that those dresses could really be what they seem to be! They all have their hair done nicely and even my pretty friend says that it is absolutely boring to not change the hairstyle. She straightened her hair months ago.

My goodness, then I must have been one hell of a boring piece of crap! I have never straightened my hair nor curled it. I never dyed my hair before and the only ways of changing hairstyle is to cut it differently but NEVER anything that stands out or look nice as other girls. You see, those hairstyles never last forever because my stubborn hair loves to go their own way.

Funny, right? I am thinking of staying far away from makeup too in the future. I just hate to turn into those type of people who rely on makeup to look good. I am also thinking of not straightening my hair because I will have to maintain it. =/ Maintaining it costs MORE money and with those money, I could have upgraded my violin once and for all (Not saying I am ready to leave Autumn anytime soon but I know upgrading is necessary now).

Of course no guys will want to get close to me because of my lack of beauty. I will just be a plain person living a plain and normal life.

It's amusing to think of how I used to think of wanting to be the prettiest girl. I used to want to be a princess as a kid. In fact, I was quite a normal person as a kid. So... WHERE did I go wrong and become this peculiar person? From WHICH part of my life did I become this anti-social who just loves to be alone yet long for certain accompany?

My pretty friend thinks she does not have enough friends even though she has billion times more friends than I do. She says she wants to change her name and be a happy, crazy and wild girl in college.

Well, go ahead, girl, because you're gonna be another fake.

I admit I tried to be a fake this year but I cannot stand faking so many smiles. I cannot hide my feelings so easily anymore.

It's much more comfortable being in my own skin anyways. Being a fake is like being a hypocrite in a way and I hate hypocrites though I'd say I can be one in a blink of an eye.

Okay, people. Thank you for having reached this far. Hope you have not snored throughout this whole ranting session. More to come for those who actually don't mind or have the patience of a God to continue reading in the future.

No hard feelings, I hope! Sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors - this lazy bum here just doesn't re-read before publishing. xD

Take care and have fun as always! ^^

This time, I am ending with a happy tone despite the post that seems to be moody and angry.

Truth is, I am not that angry as I write this post but just letting you know what sort of people are there out in this crazy world (of school).

Real Life ~ Now I Know Why

2011-09-20T20:07:00.003+08:00

I bet that in the future, I will be able to write this kind of post again. xD

Well, realistically, that is IF the world didn't end or IF I survived until the next time these kind of things come by again.

Optimistically, I would repeat what my first sentence of the first paragraph said. ;)

Whatever it is, this kind of thing will not stop until my life ends. xDContinuing, NOW I know why people have problem voicing out their emotions.

Lately, I have problem voicing out my exact thoughts and emotions. Fine, so I ALREADY have problems voicing out my opinions in people's faces but this is a totally different story. Sorry but I am not revealing anything private today. =P

For example, my friend, who's usually cheerful and happy-go-lucky suddenly gets moody and extremely upset one day, I have lots to say YET I cannot voice them out (Well, not ALL) for fear of ruining our friendship. I badly want to give my friend a hug BUT I worry the friend will not take it well and instead, hate me in return. Then again, knowing the kind of luck I have, I will most likely have a brain jam at that time and have absolutely nothing to say in return to cheer my friend up.

I first saw this kind of thing happening in stories, mangas, animes and maybe even movies. Back then, scratched my head, wondering so many times why can't the person just say it out to clear things up or act it out once and for all. Now that I've been through that and in fact, am GOING through that, this is where this particular post comes in ~~to save the world~~!

Know what? I am dying to tell you what's exactly on my mind right now but I cannot bring myself to spit the truth out. Bloody problem now is that I've already been holding back for uncountable times.Does anyone here know what should I do? I have been told last month to wait for the right moment to let it all out and stop holding back.It's terribly hard and it's actually hurting me a lot.

It pains me whenever I bite my own tongue before saying anything out loud. After all, spoken words (and probably typed/written words) CANNOT be taken back. I used to refuse to believe that they cannot be taken back but after having gone through those other "Now I know why" moments, my initial thoughts were proven wrong. I learned that when a person says something hurtful, those words cannot be taken back even if the person apologizes in the end. Of course we are all told to forgive and forget... I find forgiving easier than forgetting, to be honest. Look on the bright side, at least it is not vice versa, right? ;P

Continuing again, even if the person apologizes and is forgiven in the end, it did not change the fact that you heard those words and had a hard time moving on. You see, this situation, I have been in for OVER 900 times! Just kidding.I've frequently been through this kind of situation but whatever happens, I end up forgiving the person most of the time. =D In some cases, I cried days after days whereas other times, I think about it over and over until I finally decide to move on.

Like today, I cannot help feeling offended when my P.E teacher told me that I look like a naughty type of student. She started by asking me how are my studies and of course, not the type to simply lie, I took this question seriously and thought about it. In truth, I am NOT doing that well but if based on how I feel, I feel fine (Psst, this is all because I hide these bothersome worries all the way back behind my little mind!). So anyways, like I said, I told my teacher that my studies are fine. THAT was when she said something about being naughty or looking like the naughty type.

AHEM, EXCUSE ME?! I've seen naughtier students but they end up being close to top in class! So what if I can actually be noisy? What if I can actually be naughty? What if I sometimes show my reluctance to study when a teacher comes into class? What if I sometimes show my reluctance to help a teacher (Come on, spare my already short life... Teachers love to come to me for help whether they know me or not. God, I must be a magnet for requests for help and troubles!)? *Wipes sweat* What if I rarely fought back and pissed the goddamn teachers off? What if I broke rules from time to time (those little unnecessary rules)?

There's ALWAYS a fair payback in the end. If not by people, it is by myself, which happens so often it is happening every day. Sometimes, the person up there wants to make it SO FAIR that I got punished by others AND myself! *facepalm*Like in a recent post, I admit that I almost (if not always) blame and scold myself at all times. I often ask myself 'what if' questions regarding the things I done or said in the past and not long ago.'What if I had not said that? Would he have been happier? Would things have turned out much happier?""What if I had not done that? Would she have stayed on talking terms with me?"The list of questions goes on and it multiplies by the minute. xD

I called myself all the bad names you can possibly think of. I hated myself to the extent that I'd be a perfect enemy of myself if I were to be another person.See? I don't always treat myself nicely or congratulate myself after somehow being nasty to others.

Oh wait, have I gotten sidetracked again? As in, sidetracked BIG TIME? Lol!

Right, back to the topic. xD Gomenasai ne...

I literally eff my own mind wondering whether I should have said something or done something for a person.Seriously, this thing is haunting me so much that it is making me dream of it all and driving me mad - barking mad! Woof! xD

Back to the P.E Teacher issue, I asked myself many times, "What have I ever done to make you think of me that way?" and as a result, I got sounds of crickets. There's really no answer as to why would she think of me as that sort of person. @.@So... Maybe I shouldn't take her personally at all but since words cannot be taken back, it does not change the fact that it has hurt and offended me, By now, this issue is not the one bugging me, which is good. xDHere is a question for your readers to help answer:

Is it or is it not wise to bury oneself in work (any work, from school work to house work, to office work) to forget something and to occupy the mind?

While you're cracking your brains thinking of a wise answer, remember to take care and have fun! ^^

Real Life ~ Mini iPod Removed

2011-09-19T18:11:00.000+08:00

I am sorry for those who actually enjoyed the Mini iPod but I realized that some people lag a lot while reading the blog and also some just cannot go to any sites with YouTube on. Dx

Oh well, if you want to know what's nice to listen to, try T.A.T.U ! I am currently obsessed with them. I like Valshe too. =P

Have been reading books lately. Actually, I have always been reading but always took time finishing a book. =S That is all because I read books that did not quite suit my taste... I read William Shakespeare and... I am sorry to say this but I prefer the anime RomeoXJuliet. The anime made more sense and it made me want the couple to come back alive more than the actual story. Sure, I ALSO want the real Romeo and Juliet to come back alive and stay together while their family get along... xD

I should be practising my violin now but I am taking this chance to remove the Mini iPod.

If you're wondering which songs are good to start with for T.A.T.U, there's always:
1. Loves Me Not
2. All The Things She Said
3. Fly On The Wall
4. All About Us
5. Gomenasai
6. How Soon Is Now?
7. Don't Regret
8. Malchik Gay/Gey
9. 30 Minutes
10. Cosmos (Outer Space)
11. 220 (Russian Version)
12. Sparks (English Version of 220)
13. Running Blind
14. Craving (I Only Want What I Can't Have)
15. Sacrifice
16. Show Me Love
17. Not Gonna Get Us
18. Friend Or Foe
19. Perfect Enemy
20. Snowfalls
21. Clowns (Can You See Me Now)
22. Stars
23. Dangerous and Moving
24. You and I
25. We Shout
26. White Robe

Actually, I am copying this list of songs from my playlist. Lol. I'd want you to start with 'Loves Me Not'. It is one of the popular songs from them.

Here are the popular ones you can easily find: (all already mentioned in previous list)
1. Loves Me Not
2. Show Me Love
3. Clowns (Can You See Me Now)
4. All The Things She Said
5. Show Me Love
6. Sacrifice
7. Friend Or Foe
8. Perfect Enemy
9. All About Us
10. How Soon Is Now?
11. 30 Minutes
12. You and I
13. Gomenasai
14. Malchik Gey/Gay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Malchik Gey/ Malchik Gay in Russian means gay guy or gay dude.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I absolutely LOVE the song "Loves Me Not" because... it means a lot to me even though I am most certainly NOT a lesbian. xD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for Valshe, you can check out every song you can find starting with "Symmetric Terget". I have no idea why is it not target but whatever it is, I think the song I like the voices. I still wonder though... Did Valshe herself sing BOTH parts?!

Besides Valshe, I like Yuya Matsushita and Aoyama Thelma.

My favorite songs from Matsushita Yuya:
1. Back To Love
2. Hallucination
AND MANY MORE~! Sadly, they're mainly in Japanese so... I cannot read 'em. Gomenasai...

As for Aoyama Thelma, my favorite song from her is "Without U". "Sweetest Sin" and "Secret Life" is good too. :D

Kana Nishino's "If" is also a great song! Once I start listening to it, I cannot stop at all...

Another song that made me rape the replay button is "Cherish" by Ai Otsuka!

Oh yeah, my all-time favorite bishounen now is Hei (Li Sheng Shun/ Lee Sheng Shun/ BK 201) from Darker Than Black and Ryuusei no Gemini. =)

The Opening song (OP) from Ryuusei no Gemini, which is "Tsukiakari no Michishirube", is a song I cannot stop listening to, just like "Blue Bird" by Ikimono Gakari.

Try listening to David Garrett. He's one heck of an awesome violinist!^^

Alright, I know I missed out mentioning billions of good songs but this is where my break from violin practice should stop for now.

Take care and have fun!^^

Real Life ~ Fluttering Heart

2011-09-17T23:46:00.001+08:00

Fluttering heart is... QUARTER of what I'm... feeling now. Not gonna say everything but only a part of it. ;)

First off, I slept late last night (Like most nights, I cannot sleep early to try improve the skin anymore. Besides, it doesn't seem to be working and I was NEVER happy to have to sleep and waste the nights away.) knowing that I have violin lesson and should not be sleeping too late.

I woke up at 10AM instead of 9.30AM. To be honest, have been waking up at 10AM lately... For weeks already...

Practised until it was time to go. This time, I focused on the 2 songs. I LOVE "Adoration from Felix Borowski"! One of the best~ As for the other song, which is "Presto by Haydn", I don't quite like it though the CD sounded MUCH better. I have to slow the song down.

Anyways, skipping to during the violin lesson, I started out with "Adoration" and it was heaven. I am glad it didn't sound as HORRIBLE as when I first started it. I still have problem with the shifting at one part but oh well, that will eventually be solved as long as I keep on trying.

Today, people kept on coming close to watch my teacher and I play. Usually, people don't really look but this time, I think my teacher and I made more people want to learn violin. xD I saw a bunch of parents at the counter.

True enough, a parent DID ask about the violin lessons and the fees. The parent is the one whose little son learns guitar. Seeing the way the son cares for his guitar gives me the shivers. He dropped it numerous times and the poor guitar bang the couch, walls and doors as he walks around. @.@ I cannot imagine if he did the same for the violin when he takes it out or even try to tune it...

I always thought the parent had an issue with me playing/learning the violin... She and her husband (I think) stared at me when I got out of the music room. My class just ended and it was a great song and a great lesson that day. Thought they didn't think so. (>.<)

Today, the parent asked my mom how old I am and whether I started from young. This is where my heart 'fluttered' because the parent told my mom she thinks I play well.

Where's the holy light? I can feel it comin'! Have been extremely frustrated lately so I keep thinking of how bad I am doing... So every compliment means a lot to me and shall be appreciated! This is the first time a stranger complimented after watching me play live despite the mistakes made. ^^

I hope that days like these keep on coming. :D

Oh, know what's funny? I had more things to say but I forgotten. Lol.

But~ I remember to wish you readers to have fun and take a good care of yourself! ;P

Real Life ~ Forgotten Things To Say

2011-09-16T00:47:00.000+08:00

Gomenasai ne... (Sorry)

I forgotten to say something I promised to mention from the previous post. Lol.

See? It doesn't matter if I am a kid, teenager, young adult or not because we're ALL aging! ;P

As for the people who are not nice in the tuition, they're both guys and girls.

They laughed at me whenever I made a mistake or say something wrong. Even if I read what the teacher told me to, they like to laugh. They just HAVE to find something funny!

The girls only talk to me or be nice to me when they need to ask for something. I used to think 2 certain girls were my friends. But one day, I realized one of them weren't. And RECENTLY, I realized that other friend also cannot be called a friend anymore. They always pestered me, asking me for answers. Can't they see I also DON'T EFFING KNOW HOW TO DO?! You DON'T see me asking people how to do, right? You DON'T see me trying to sneak a peek at answers, right?

Sheesh, just admit it, it ain't exam. What have you lose there even if you're wrong? I got almost everything wrong sometimes and do you see me want to copy answers the next time? Sure, I don't like being wrong and sometimes I want to copy answers but I refuse to lose to that temptation.

ESPECIALLY EXAMS! My classmates (the girls) just LOVE to ask me for answers. Well, eff that because I DON'T EFFING KNOW THE ANSWERS EITHER! I hate how I had to purposely sleep even though I cannot even sleep a wink. Oh, guess what? They STILL have the guts to ask me last minute before passing the papers up.

I felt as if I wasted time TRYING to sleep!

Sorry, sidetracked again. Lol.

It's just that they treat pretty girls with more respect. They don't simply go laughing at pretty girls in a mean way.

Gah, I got distracted somehow by something. Haha...

Whatever it is, I just cannot stop thinking that people are like that these days. They all judge people by their looks (as in pretty or not).

They see pretty girls, they go, "*whistles* Woah! Must check her out. Be nice to her. First impressions and all that sh*t!"

They see plain or boring nerdy girls like me, they go, "BLEH! What did you come out from? A drain? Must make you help me hook up with that pretty girl over there! Hope you're her best friend. Oh, girls love to hug each other and stuff right? Maybe they don't need to be friends to help me out! Woo hoo!"

Well, not LITERALLY always like that for the plain or boring nerdy girls. But close enough. xD

Alright, the end of rant part number 2 for today! >=D

Take care and have fun anyways. xD

Real Life ~ Some Stuff To Say

2011-09-16T00:01:00.000+08:00

I admit this will probably be another one of those short posts.

This post will be about my recent life. It's not all that interesting but it's still quite hectic. Well, to me, deep inside, it's so hectic I want to freak out BIG TIME. ;P

The AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) is the same as always so there's nothing much to talk about it. After all, I STILL feel extremely U.G.L.Y! And... I still seem to like isolating myself. Funnily enough, I grew to love my own company but I still HATE awkward moments. Here's a fine example, my friend and I were about to go to the Physics lab. My other 2 friends just left the class and I have no one else to talk to since my friend left me to go speak with her best friends. The teacher already started teaching and I was sure many were wondering this, "Poor thing, no friend...", "The anti-social...", "She's in the way... What an eyesore... So goddamn ugly and nerdy... UGH! Get out of the class and stop being so SAD and PITIFUL!" I really felt like ditching my friend like how she ditched me everytime she sees her best friends. I RATHER go to the goddamn lab alone even if all eyes would be on me and sniggering because I was late.

This has been happening recently and it sorta bites at me inside, making me feel down for some time. You see, this friend of mine is the prettiest girl in my class. Like what another girl classmate of mine told me, that pretty friend of mine turns every guy's head around to take a second and possibly billion more looks at her. Sure, she ain't the prettiest girl in the world but with the choices they have in my class (we only have 9 girls - this much, I can say), she's the only girl they will want to stare or ogle at during lessons when they are around.

Sorry, distracted. Lol. So anyways, the guys in my class keeps on playing truth or dare and then everytime they pick a dare, they make bets involving money and make a guy do something to or with my pretty friend. It's nothing serious so far, if that's what you're concerned about. They make the same guy hold hands with her, get her to join the truth or dare and possibly touch her hair or something. I don't know about the last one they had a bet on though.

I know that it's not fun to be in my pretty friend's shoes in that kind of situation but... something keeps niggling at me, making me realize that it means I am not pretty and they don't even dare to talk to me. It's like I am not pretty enough to be played around with. They won't even give me a second look, I am sure.

You may think I am a hateful person for admitting this but... I cannot help laughing at the things they say when they kept on insisting on the guy to do what he was dared to. Don't you think it's fair enough in a way when she laughs at me whenever some bad things happen to me? Just saying this to give you another thought. After all, *says bitterly* EVERYONE will give her a second thought! Or, maybe I was wrong after all - They all like her so much that they don't even need to think!

Sorry, I have an issue with these kinds of things regarding looks (the awful proof that I really have AvPD - can't seem to think up WHY AvPD of all disorders but oh well).

Today is a funny day though. I thought I have BM tuition but when I walked into the tuition centre, the people told me that it had been cancelled. I was stunned. Well, I should be having a parade because these were the words I wanted to hear for a very long time. (Oh c'mon, I am a normal student who knows when to be lazy but I won't mind going if nicer people were there... Will get onto that matter later on)

So I smiled and assured the people that I don't need a lift back home. I enjoyed my walk back. It was quite a walk but I somehow got home pretty fast. I felt fresh even though I was kinda sweaty when I returned. Mom was shocked when she saw me back. She said I was damn fast to have walked back. I guess I power-walked back home. Lol.

I also have this issue that makes me anxious at most times. I will keep on forcing myself to do something I have no mood for just to feel productive and that I have not wasted time. If I DID waste time (which I did on Tuesday and other times), I will keep on feeling frustrated but this will eventually end.

So... I keep on making myself write. I love writing after all... As long as I have notes to copy though... Not things that make me think effing hard. Funnily enough, I don't hate Additonal Mathematics for making me screw my own tiny brain.

Lately, I just wrote this essay that sorta has something to do with my real life and it is the part of my real life that I desperately (not really THAT desperate) want to hide from many people.

I didn't reveal any names in the essay and I want to know what my English teacher thinks about it. I want to know if I am capable of writing essays without using names or nicknames.

Gotta say something though... I will NOT be able to move on from the harsh words if the teacher ended up hating the essay I wrote. See? Another AvPD symptom. I just cannot take criticism easily. I will only accept those kinder constructive criticism.

Sigh, this is not a good trait to have but... I seriously TRIED to accept them with arms wide open and seriously TRIED to accept them with my mind wide open. I get depressed for some time just from repeating what people said in my buzzing mind.

What a terrible truth about me, huh? You're probably thinking what a bad person I am. Ugly inside and outside. =(

Hey, if you DO hate me for who I am now, you're not alone because I really do call myself a 'female dog' and I OFTEN (like always) think back of what I done or said and then HATE myself for them all.

Ugh, my heart really physically ached for a moment after writing these. (>.
One more thing that's been making me desperate to write stories and so on:
I just love being in my own fantasy world where things go the way I want to and people say things I want to hear. It's not wrong to fantasize, 'kay?

It's actually also a reason why I love writing scripts. People say things that I want them to say. Even if the things they say to the main character of the story aren't nice, I am still glad to get to control "people" for a moment. After all, I live my life being a puppet.

Believe me, it's not always a sob story to be such a puppet but I have my moments too... Just not all that many of them. *Gives a sad smile*

Whatever. Bye, people, for now. I am dying to write more but I cannot seem to find anything to say now.

Have fun and take care! Do that for moi~ ;)

Real Life ~ Back From The Dead & Back Again

2011-08-12T23:37:00.000+08:00

I am incredibly sorry for not blogging for what seemed like YEARS!

I've been through a lot as usual but I finally realized certain things...

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)

Heard of that?

I am going to copy and paste the information from WIKIPEDIA~
Just want you readers to know more about it.

WHAT IS AVOIDANT PERSONALITY DISORDER?

Avoidant personality disorder(anxious personality disorder)is a personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook in a person characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.

People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD.

There is controversy as to whether avoidant personality disorder is a distinct disorder from generalized social phobia and it is contended by some that they are merely different conceptualisations of the same disorder, where avoidant personality disorder may represent the more severe form. This is argued as generalized social phobia and avoidant personality disorder have a similar diagnostic criteria and may share a similar causation, subjective experience, course, treatment, and identical underlying personality features, such as shyness.

SYMPTOMS:

-Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
-Self-imposed social isolation
-Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
-Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
-Avoids interpersonal relationships
-Feelings of inadequacy
-Severe low self-esteem
-Self-loathing
-Mistrust of others
-Emotional distancing related to intimacy
-Highly self-conscious
-Self-critical about their problems relating to others
-Problems in occupational functioning
-Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
-Feeling inferior to others
-In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
-Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever it is, I was extremely shocked to the core to know there WAS such a disorder that TRULY expresses the way I feel! If I really have that disorder 9most likely since almost all symptoms fit me!), that means I've suffered from severe AvPD for years already...

I knew I was somewhat "different" from others. I feel as if I've never been normal and that I like mainly things that people don't. Luckily, I still know how to like bishounen from manga and anime!

Here goes... *deep breaths* I am hoping that I don't get too emotional writing this. I refuse to say everything but there can't be too much to hide anyways...

1. I totally feel like the worst, stupidest, ugliest, most awkward person ever.
2. I hate myself and call myself a "B!tch" almost all the time.
3. I dare not look into the mirror unless it's a dark place and that I don't stand too near with spectacles off.
4. If I were to look into the mirror close-up, I will need to cover most of my face with my hands.
5. If I accidentally saw my face in the mirror, I will take a long time recovering from tremendously negative thoughts like "OH MY GOSH, SO UUUUGGGGGLLLLYYY!", "NO WONDER NO ONE LIKES YOU!", "NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS!", "NOW YOU KNOW WHY PEOPLE DISRESPECT YOU!", "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO REALIZE WHY PEOPLE CAN HARDLY TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY!", "NO WONDER PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF YOU!", "NO WONDER PEOPLE LAUGH AT YOU!", "NO WONDER YOU CAN NEVER GET ALONG WITH SNOBBISH POPULAR PEOPLE!" and so on...
6. I feel that it's safer to isolate myself and be alone because I will end up saying something wrong or have problem making the right facial expressions when talking to people.
7. My tone never seem to match the way I feel deep inside. (monosyllabic or just... weird)
8. I fantasize and dream most of the time.
9. I use work to try to occupy my mind and feel useful, like I am doing something worthwhile.
10. I think feeling pain and exhausted will mean I've done enough for one day. (same goes to violin practices)
11. I feel much more comfortable staying at home because I can avoid less humiliation.
12. Going to tuition is horrible because I will have no choice but to show my ugly face and I worry people regret looking at me.
13. I am scared to use the handkerchief or tissue in public (especially in school and tuition) because I get the feeling people are staring at me and thinking of how dirty and disgusting I am.
14. I am scared of eating in front of friends and people I know because I worry I look stupid.
15. I worry people hate me.
16. I cannot accept rejection without crying.
17. I cannot accept criticism. (Yes, I said it!)
18. I feel happy when I make people happy so by default (or not?), I keep on wanting to please others.
19. I keep wanting to make those who mistreat me happy.
20. I cannot stand it when people misunderstand.

I feel as if I just let go of a lot of things... Something happened in school and it bugged me a lot. Again, I have no energy left to say.

I cried myself to sleep on some nights. I think it's getting to be pretty normal now.

I admit I can still think of killing myself but for now, no. Not yet.

Sorry, can't say more... Mixed feelings now.

Take care and have fun, people. Do this for me, I beg you!

Real Life ~ Attached...

2011-03-25T23:13:00.000+08:00

I felt REALLY depressed and down this morning until the time before recess. I felt horribly empty... That is because I missed my violin so dearly. No, she did not leave my side or anything. Nothing happened to her. =D

You see, on Thursday, my violinist friend brought her violin again to school. She, once again, got me to look after her violin for her. She allowed me to play. xD

Played after Physics class, which should be Moral class next. I just tried it out. I realized that I am not very good with the synthetic strings. My violin has steel strings (supposedly cheaper strings =/) so... that's the reason why I am not used to synthetic strings. Synthetic strings, I find, are softer to press but I cannot say that it's entirely easy to play with either. =x Psst, my violinist friend tortured her violin but I suppose it is tough enough to not get visibly damaged.

Last Saturday, my parents brought me to a shop specialized in violins. Well, that shop also provides violin lessons. xD The budget was 500 dollars (which is not really enough to upgrade, seriously) but they only have a 800 dollar violin as the cheapest one there. I did not like how it sounded because it was soft and I totally sucked at playing it. It's as if something possessed me and made me play worse than I already am. (>.<)Then, the guy selling let me try out the 3000 dollar(yes, 3 thousand dollars!) violin. Surprisingly, it sounds almost like my violin! LOL, I think the guy selling found it a little bit insulting when mom told him that's almost like my violin's current sound! xD My violin's voice is similar to a 3000 dollar violin? Get real, man! The bow he gave me to test out with was feather-light. =o With my slightly shivering hands, that feather-light bow did not help. xD All I am trying to say is that I am too attached to Autumn. I can NEVER play right when it comes to other violins. I feel that I should bond with the instrument first and take some time to get used to it before actually playing for real in front of others. Same goes to me needing warm-up before getting down to business. =/ It's a handicap, isn't it? (>.<) That has gotta be bad but it's better than me being the type of person who sees all violins being just violins. Nothing more. They're all the same. To be frank, I HATE to be that sort of person. I want to see every violin as an individual, one of a kind, like each having its own specialty.

Would be awesome to keep that attitude... Coz it sucks to be a hypocrite. ;P

So all the while I was in the shop, the thoughts "I am too attached to my own violin", "I want Autumn here now" and "Autumn is better than them" ran through my mind over and over. Can you call that faith? What about loyalty? Or is it me being naive and childish?

Gotta bring the violin collage I made last year again... Seriously need it to wake me up and cheer me up like how I badly needed it today. Dx

Today's practice was not productive at all when I stopped for a rest and it ended up being longer than 5 minutes. I sat there holding my violin with my left hand, balancing it on my lap while facebooking. Lol. I admit I do RC when I rest for awhile and that I do just sit there listening to the same songs again and again. Sometimes I rest and listen to new songs I have to learn or just songs that I can never play (or even sing).

Malaysia's Philharmonic Orchestra is doing the piece Piano Concerto No. 2 by Rachimanov / Rachimanoff... I am DYING to watch! I badly want to go. *pouts*

That orchestral piece ROCKS! Well, not Rock but it is kick-a$$! =D See those money sign? xD (Psst, it ain't no bad word. =x)

The ending of the practice was OK. I was hurting badly again when it came to "La Cumparsita" but I will NOT lose to that song! I want to remake a video on that song. =/ Not satisfied. I do not even dare to watch back my old video on that song. Lol. At least my teacher was OK with the video. Just rhythm problem, as usual. Dx

Tomorrow's the violin lesson. Hopefully I did not forget anything I learned throughout the whole week of practice. I actually became extremely blur when I practised today. It is as if the "violin-sick" (not home-sick) erased all those important things. o.0 That sucks. Lol. Important thing tomorrow is that I still have the energy to do a good vibrato tomorrow. I sound horrible when my fingers cannot do vibrato. That happens when I practised too much of vibrato the day before. I just practised a lot of that earlier during the practice. In fact, throughout the practice. Please let tomorrow be good!

Take care and have fun~!^^ I gotta go because my eye lids are gonna drop any moment. =P

Real Life ~ When Agony Nears Hell Gate

2011-03-15T22:45:00.000+08:00

First let's start with yesterday. My friends and I went out shopping. It was like any normal outing, just that this time with new friends. Was supposed to be with only one new friend but she invited more. Her 2 other friends are my classmates this year. They are nice people. =D Of course I would not mind them coming along. It's better to hang around with nice people. In this case, we can most definitely use the phrase "the more the merrier"! xD (Gosh, I sounded so childish there. At least my youth came back for a moment. xD)

Met at the shopping complex at about 1PM. Have not been there for so long, about 1 or 2 years already... I was blur and worried that I'd waited at the wrong entrance. Luckily, they arrived when I phoned them. =)

We went to "Subway" and ordered. I was the only one out of the 3 of them eating because they already ate earlier on. You see, all of us are coming at different times. Some will turn up later because of something else that they have to do.

I REALLY love "Subway"! Text messaged a friend of mine who was meant to turn up same time as me. Was getting worried... =/

Suddenly, we got a call from another friend and there they were after we girls went to the entrance again.

We split up for a moment. 2 of the girls went to a shop whereas the other 4 of us went to Subway again. Only one of our friends ate. xD

We chatted and then we started walking again once he was done. Met up in a store they were in.

The 3 girls led the way. (6 of us altogether. 4 Girls. 2 Guys.)

Most of the time, we went into girlish shops to look at earrings, necklaces, hats, accessories and most probably make-ups. xD To be honest, the 3 girls knew each other for about 5 years already... Obviously they're gonna be in a group talking and walking while 3 of us talk to one another. On the other hand, we've known each other for 3 years. xD This would be the fourth. xD

Have not really looked at girlish stuff for so long. I stopped since elementary school. Gosh... No wonder I ended up being with not-so-girlish friends. xD Earrings? Never really bother about them anymore. I just wear the same pair for a long time until I feel that it is time to change. (>.<)Guess what? We entered the manga shop. It's not as fun as being there by myself though. I had to stop myself from drooling at bishounen in the manga/DVD cover. xD Lol. I wanted to see if I could buy Naruto keychains but I guess it feels weird. xD Really great to go around reliving every moment again with every anime/manga I caught sight of.Stopped for a drink. Drank Aloe Jelly with Kiwi. Something like that. The taste was nice. 2 of the girls asked to have the 'curtain' pulled up. We all saw a nice scenery though I could not see any of the "waves" they kept mentioning of. Lol. Before the movie started, we somehow split into 2 different groups to talk. 3 of the girls chatted while 3 of us talked and punched. xD I am a violent friend~ But it's not in a bad way. ;)The movie was fun. One of the girls sat beside me and we whispered stuff to one another. It was funny sometimes. I loved the movie.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(Edited on 15th of March 2011. top part written on 14th of March.)In this second part of the post, I will be talking about yesterday's 3 hours of violin practice. This is by far one of the craziest practice. I actually could not finish ALL the songs I was given to practise. Sure, he told me he just ran through with all songs for me to slowly practise at home. I cannot help feeling that I am VERY slow. I need to speed up and stop being Grade 5. How long do I plan to be Grade 5? Goddammit! I cannot slow down anymore! 3 more grades and that should be it! It's not as easy as it sounds like but that's what I aim to do this year. Next year, I have a bigger and shittier exam coming up. I cannot afford to attend violin lessons like that. I need to finish up my violin first. =( I do not think I will have any time at all even if I started college or university. What if I went to another country? It's already a problem to get my parents to fork out the money for local violin lesson fees... I cannot be such a burden anymore. I MUST quickly end Grade 8. Come to think of it, I do not think I can perform this June. =( Just checked the calendar. I would have had finished the mid-term exam in May or something and there will be 2 weeks of holiday after that. Surely the school will give hell a lot of homework. I'm screwed. Why am I slowing down? Why do I easily feel all the pain every time I played 10 minutes without stopping? It's not that long right? Imagine those who played 10 minutes plus as ONE song? I am already playing more than 1 song. There's a gap between every song because of the Windows Media Player. Imagine if I played a 10 minute song? Of course I will keel over and die right there and then with my violin (well, I DID say I wanted to die with my violin)!I dragged the warm-up longer now before reaching the actual new songs because I am not ready to stop playing the ABRSM Grade 4 songs. I still LOVE "Russian Fantasia No. 3"! I must NEVER stop playing that song. It is still a song I feel cool playing. Of course I still make stupid mistakes... Which is why I do not ever want to stop playing. Whenever I play "La Cumparsita", I kinda dread it because of the agony waiting to come midway through the song. (>.<) It HURTS LIKE HELL! Which is why this 3 hours of practice was close to hell. Not there yet but close enough. xD

I kept on playing, stubborn to keep on fighting back the pain. Breath kept on escaping. I'm tellin' ya, I played until my right fingers ached from holding the bow. The fingers slightly swollen and red from the gripping. The pain is something I cannot even begin to explain. =[ Both arms hurt like shit. Lol. I could not lift up both arms for a moment. All the while I played, I kept telling myself I was not good enough and that I am slow, REALLY slow and disappointed.

On and on I went. Fingers threatening to drop the bow and the whole of my left had the strong desire to keel over and collapse. I swear I could have passed out right there in the hallway where I practised. It hurts now every morning I stretch my arms, especially the left arm. The scar from violin practice is OK because I no longer forced myself to play without the handkerchief. After being told that I will get cancer if I abused the scar any further, I decided to play safe... At least I still CAN play without handkerchief! I thought I've completely relied on the handkerchief. =(

I totally collapsed in my chair after it reached the 3rd hour. Well, more than 3 hours by a few minutes, to be exact. OK, fine. I started at maybe about 9:45AM (latest at 10AM) and planned to end at 1PM but failed to because of the EXCRUCIATING pain so... I ended stopping at 12:56PM. 4 more minutes!!! ARGH! But it would be worth the days or maybe weeks of rest if I really injured myself.

Just typing now sorta hurts but it's still OK. I remember there was a time I practised until I could not even open or close the door. It ached to touch the door knob, let alone turn it. Trust me, of all things to exaggerate, this is not what I'd exaggerate about.

My eyes practically blanked out. I see black atmosphere but of course I can still see the things around. Not clearly though. Some things were blocked by the very black hazy scene, like as if there was a black mist hanging in the air. It is not the first time. If I read too long in a dark place (with some light of course), my eyes will become like that. Even my eyes now are threatening to create that black scene again. =/ It's been like that since I was a kid. Never knew why. It certainly is NOT normal though. Oh well...

Moving on to the next day, which is today, March 15 2011.
___________________________

I did not dare to practise 3 hours anymore. I decided to rest and start the practice at 4PM. I did just that but the heavy rain totally cut short my practice. =[ I was TOTALLY NOT DONE! Damn. Loud thunder clapped and before I knew it, the whole house went dark. Not a light shone and the fan stopped functioning, of course. Luckily I did not drop my violin from the shock. I was worried I'd be too shocked but thankfully, not really. I had a late response. After everything turned completely black, I only thought of this, "Oh, the electricity tripped. So dark."

I looked at my violin, still safe in my arms and started to continue playing, determined to beat the sound of thunder. After awhile, mom went up the stairs with a lousy torch light. She got a little bit agitated because water leaked and wet the floor of my parents' bedroom. I heard the dripping noise but did not know it was water leaking. Even mom heard it. The whole house was creepy but I held on protectively to my violin. Mom told me to stop playing the violin and to put it on top a cabinet. Question mark appeared above my head. I told her I would be putting it back into the violin case. Conclusion, I can still play in the dark. Well, not too well because I was busy focusing on the fact that it's dark and that I could barely see the strings ahead. The musical notes could not get into my head and that was when I go wrong. Lol. Was about to try another song when mom told me to stop it.

How sad... I could not show how happy I was to do something I like even though the electricity tripped. Could not read books... I did not dare to play my iPod (with the speaker) in case mom asked me to stop it too. Lol. And so, I got bored and went to sleep. After a long time, just as I was about to drift into a deeper sleep, mom switched the lights back on. I felt like a vampire when the lights were turned on. I complained about the place being too bright and shifted to another sofa to sleep. I woke up at about 7PM, disappointed that I could not make the practice reach 2 hours.

After having waken up from the nice sleep, I got too tired to continue with practice. Luckily I got to the 2nd new song out of 7 of them. Yesterday, I reached the 4th or 5th one. I like some of the new songs. Some repeated a lot with a few different notes so it got boring. Even my teacher dreaded teaching that song. Lol. He kept saying that it repeated too many times. xD

Had dinner and everything else normal except the fact that the heavy rain made the tree crush my neighbor's car, which was parked outside of the house.

Gotta jet now. Sorry it took this long to create a new post. I actually tried writing twice but failed to because I just lost the feeling to write. xD

Take care and have fun as always~!^^

Real Life ~ Uploading Maniac

2011-02-14T20:49:00.000+08:00

Oh yes, finally Valentine's Day came!^^ Not because I want to celebrate with anyone special or anything BUT, to take the chance to upload my violin videos. I was worried that I would not be able to play so well when today came & that I was not in the mood, too busy... bla bla bla. All that crap that happens once in awhile or, in my life, most of the time. Lol. xD

So, I did most of the recording on 15th of January 2011. I was not doing well for the 2 Grade 5 songs at that time. Was even depressed and the emotions were unstable. Man, I will still be like that in the future but I must never be given the chance to quit violin. NEVER.

It's true I am no prodigy. Not sure if I've shared this quote with you before but I quoted it from my Chinese homework last year. With all my strength trying to understand what that whole passage said, I quoted something from it. It said that

"A true prodigy is not one who does something well without hard work or sweat, but one who works for everything, pushing him or herself to do better."

It gave me a bit of hope, you know. I know it may not be something everybody agrees with but why not believe in it if it makes one work harder to do better?

The reason for this post is so that I can update on my life and also to share the links with you, for every violin video I made and uploaded onto YouTube.

There should be about 10 videos, if I have not mistaken. xD

1. Princess Mononoke Theme (Violin)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17a9rIkSftU

2. La Serenata (Soft version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UG8_G55T1Ds

3. La Serenata (Loud version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaQyBFIScv0

4. Allemanda by Corelli (Too fast)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_StudzWNDbA

5. Allemanda by Corelli (Slower)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE3VVTSK66A

6. (Done By Ear) Estes Indiferente
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmw1G8PrNBs

7. Valse Lente - C.Bohm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyU0ofg82bk

8. (Remade & Done By Ear)Estes Indiferente
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-Tf_Uhwcjo

9. Song From a Secret Garden (My Violin Playing)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOV8BldgTSw

10. (Remade)Russian Fantasia No.3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30fJ2tRViCE

_____________________________________

OK, so there ARE 10 videos. ^^

Not all are great. In fact, either I am being modest or having serious inferiority complex, I'd say none are amazing. Almost everyone can play them.

I still have a long way to go. D:

Please wish me luck? xD

Tomorrow's a holiday. Hooray, I have more time to finish my homework... *laughs weakly*

Hehe, betcha wanna say "NERD!" After all, I cannot help being like that. I was not so nerdy last year though. To be honest, even though I did all my homework, not all were handled seriously. I never paid attention in almost every lesson. Come to think of it, it really WAS a miracle as to how I can get 4A's. Let's just say, now I am thanking my lucky stars for that. Sorry it took this long.

Being in Sub Science ICT class is not all that easy but I gotta say my current classmates are nicer, even if they almost all borrow my homework to copy or use as a reference.

As long as I get my books back and have my homework marked in time, I am OK with it.

One thing I learned from the big exam last year. It taught me how trivial school exams are. No, stop your criticism now. It's true. I actually finished by the time the exam time ended. Usually, I could "sleep" for some time before it really ends.

I realized that depending on project marks was not a good thing to do. Also, homework marks ain't something to be too serious about. It did not help your big exam in the end. Just do not be too serious. I felt stupid getting worked up over homework marks last year and the 2 years before that. T.T

To get homework marks as much as you can without getting heated up is better. xD

Gotta jet. Have not done any homework for today at all. Busy uploading and practising. From about 2PM onwards until 5:48PM. @.@ This is madness (sparta!)

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Tick-Tocking Away

2011-02-11T21:34:00.000+08:00

My mom's been sick for quite some time now. It started before CNY but after CNY, she's still like that. Even now. I think it got better though.

You know what? My CNY was just OK. I really did not perform. I still faked that I did perform for my Moral project though. I just hate being like the usual boring student when it comes to projects like these. I even got dad's help to take the pic of me 'playing' the violin. Learned a lesson from last time's 'photo session'! xD Haha. Seems like I should not move and just pretend I am actually playing. As for the December concert's photo, that's still my favorite even if that day's not very clear in my head anymore. I suppose I was just not pleased with my own performance. Way to go, pianist! Damn. I don't want to blame her or anything but I just can't help blaming the way they plan things and that they purposely did things to me so that they screw up my life. For their information, it DOES NOT screw up my life because the percentage of their involvement in my life is less than 10% even if I do go for violin lessons there. I haven't been there for a LONG time! I hope my teacher is nicer and that he starts smiling more. Praises would be nice too because I feel like I'm crap. xD Hopefully he didn't travel too much to the extent he's blur and shit like last year! Dx Those times were horrible coz it's as if he's drunk.

So many things I wanna do, so little time. I really want to spend my whole day playing my violin, reading manga & watching anime. My new friend sure jammed my search engine with mangas. And, the best part for me, comedy and shoujo at the same time! I recommend some for her too though it's not as great as hers. xD Well, there's NOTHING wrong with shoujo, just to let shoujo-haters know. Their drawings are much more precise when it comes to facial expressions. The eyes have meaning in it. One thing I absolutely love about shounen. The fights. BUT (yes, almost every line has a "but"!), not every shounen mangas have good fighting scenes. I mean, some are stiff that I don't feel thrilled reading them. Trust me, even some shoujo mangas can do better fighting scenes (Not couple fighting scenes!Lol.)

So anyways, I've been tired and all. I just finished PART of my moral homework. Haha, it's far from done. Well, not THAT far but I hope you get the meaning anyways. @.@

The moral homework took me at least 1 hour to finish. I feel that I am suppose to keep on doing work. =/ Gonna go psycho here. And... I decided to go read manga instead of doing BM tuition homework. Damn.

Lol, seriously, I couldn't even read manga or watch anime for this whole week!

Alright, this otaku's going now.

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ I Knew It

2011-02-02T16:25:00.001+08:00

I knew it. I really, really knew it.

After all that hard training, I don't really get any praises, let alone show people my progress. I am not allowed to bring Autumn along to perform for Chinese New Year.

So... I wasted my time learning "Song From A Secret Garden" last minute and another song for my grandmother's birthday. All for nothing. As expected.

This year's Chinese New Year's going to be ever so boring... Like last year...

Truth is, I can NEVER be who I really am when facing all my cousins. I have no choice but to cover my face with this mask that shows only the good side. I am not allowed to be human in front of everyone, am I?

Now, here I am, recovering from another disappointment. If they asked me why didn't I bring my violin along, I will have to put on this fake smile and say, "Oh, I am not sure you wanna hear my horrible playing!"

=.= Seriously, man! Do you expect me to answer them like that every year? As long as I am still breathing, I can never perform as I like, can I?

My only hope is YouTube left... With a useless cam that cannot record the double-stopping nicely. Eff it.

Just one day I will perform. I know I tend to hesitate last minute and screw up performances but if I just get to know the crowd, I might do better. That way, I can excel in performances, just like my violinist friend!

What a let down...

I cannot cry over this matter, can I?

Alright. Gonna go.

Take care and have fun~!^^ Happy Chinese New Year!^^

(P.S: I am not allowed because it would seem like I'm showing off when I just desperately need to get a few compliments to show I am not doing as bad as I thought)

Real Life ~ Crazy Start Of Holiday

2011-01-31T22:53:00.000+08:00

Chinese New Year is coming soon. I only look forward to performing though I am hesitating. Many reasons for that. I am not really looking forward to the red packets. I Just feel too shy to accept. =/

I've been doing last minute arrangement of songs to perform. I might be doing 11 songs. 10 songs for Chinese New Year and 1 song for my grandmother's birthday. Lately she had been overworking. I feel bad for her because no one's really appreciating it all. There were misunderstandings and fights ever since holiday started so... I worry that there would be a tense atmosphere by the time I get there to visit them. As long as I was not in the fight, I'd be OK, right? Well... Wish it really is like that. Dx Oh yeah, was it selfish to think that way?

Haven't been doing too well with the violin. I refused to practise one song. It's a little bit hard to understand. Really do not want to learn the wrong thing on my own and to have to relearn later on when I know it's wrong. This happened before in the past. Relearning was like a nightmare, I tell you. I regretted like God-Knows-What!

I just chosen the 11th song to perform today. I doubt I will be able to learn it up in time. Well, I could since I've memorized it before in the past. I just forgotten the full song now. The thing is, I cannot concentrate when I look at the sheet music. xD

My mom just found out hers and my BaZi profiling. I wanted to check it out last year but could not get to because you had to register e-mail and all those shit. It gets annoying so I do not wanna register. There are quite a few of BaZi profiles. At that time, I read "The Performer" for fun since I dreamed of having that as my profile. I wondered at that time if I were to be really that. Seriously, my friend asked me what my dream was and for the first time in so many years, I was unsure of my true dream. I knew I do not really stand a chance in music. I worry I am fickle minded in writing and literature. Again, I worry I find learning psychology boring. The cool stuffs start after you get a good case. Usually, you only get to see psychologists on the go when they handle cool stuffs. I am very much interested in split personalities. Don't ask me why. Even I have no clue. So anyways, I just answered my friend that my dream is to be a musician/violinist BUT it's a dream that cannot be fulfilled. My friends were bewildered to hear that because they find it impossible to not be since I am already learning the violin.

So anyways, in the end, my BaZi profiling is The Performer. I still cannot believe it. You have to give the full detail like your birth date, time and year. I didn't know my time so I couldn't even if I did register.

I still do not believe it... xD

Oh well~

Do any of you find it weird of me to be blogging now? I'm sorry it has been a long time. I just have no mood or time to blog. For your information, if you find any grammar mistakes or even spelling mistakes, let me know. I have been in quite a daze lately. =/

Have been sleeping at 12AM lately. =/ it's not good... but I just hardly have the time to actually sit down and enjoy the computer. It's either online self-study or some project. I am trying to stop self-studying for a moment. I've done a lot of self-study on History today and finished 2 BM essays. I remember doing one more thing but I forgotten. xD Lol. I was told to abandon the individual notes on Chemistry because I already have the big reference book. It's not cheap. >=/ I guess I really should abandon some subjects because I even have NO TIME to do my own workbook that I bought! Damn.

The thing I hate about holidays is that school and tuition take advantage of them. They think we do not have enough stress or work so they just give us many pieces of hell. Little did they know I do not feel the holiday mood at all. I still wake up early but not that early. I didn't sleep even when I could. It's because I was so busy thinking of work. There was one day after BM tuition, I was so caught up in my own work (even when I was exhausted) that I forgotten I have not even practised yet. I only realized that when I went to bed.

"Oh, I didn't practise today, did I?"
*laughs*
"Oh well."
*sleeps from exhaustion*

Haha. That's me. Well, the new me...? Coz in the past, violin is my first priority. Nothing else was more important. Thanks to violin, I care more about my health. xD

Oh, I am flooding my search engine with many mangas that my friend recommended. Gotta jet now. Bye!

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ iPod Maintenance

2011-01-28T21:41:00.000+08:00

I just added a few rock songs and made the iPod on shuffle. Now you won't keep hearing the same thing every time you visit this blog. Lol. Sorry it took me this long to do that! I was always listening to the same thing every time I have my Windows Media Player on so my ears were numbed. I never thought how many others are not like me. xD Haha. No sweat though, it can be taken as a compliment.

You might be wondering when I'll update my blog but... I'm still quite pissed now. Don't feel like complaining here... =/

Anyways, I am glad I have this portable speaker to play the songs on my own iPod out loud (in real life, lol).

Take care and have fun. Maybe being very sick has made me moody lately. Dx So please do NOT fall sick! xD

Real Life ~ My Super Sweet 16...?

2011-01-19T22:39:00.001+08:00

Yes, the question mark is not a lie. I do love most of my birthday today though. ^^

Woke up annoyed because I was disturbed by this noisy mosquito. I suffocated myself with the blanket. After awhile, the blanket didn't stay sealed tight around me and that was when I heard the mosquito's irritating buzz again. =/ I wrapped the blanket around me tightly again. This time I really had trouble breathing. Is it possible for people to die of suffocation from their own blankets...? So I felt really warm and I haven't switched on the air-conditioner for days since I have been feeling chilly lately. I hope the air-conditioner does not spoil. T.T

It was about 4AM+ when that mosquito disturbed my sleep. Damn it.

Finally it was 6AM. So quick that I do not think I even got a wink of sleep ever since that uninvited guest annoyed the Hell out of me. >=[

I almost screamed when I looked into the mirror. I thought I saw a ghost but it turned out to be myself, just paler than usual. I suppose there was not enough sleep...? Urgh. Why of all days must I go to school looking so pale and sickly on my own birthday? It makes me such a pathetic and sad character! xD

My nose was like a fountain this morning. Argh... I felt like it was the end of the world as long as I have this nose with me. =/

Went to school feeling chilly and sick.

Teachers lectured a lot when we had to line up before going into our classes. I was sweating like crap and wanted to wipe my face with a thousand tissues. Breath left me since I reached school so I was totally breathless. I was almost lifeless when I reached the top floor where my class is. @.@

My friend, who was sick and had to go home during school yesterday, is still sick today. So today, she stared at me with a surprised look. After all, I was kinda lively yesterday. Gasping and panting, trying to get more air in than out. That moment was really agonizing. It's as if asthma attack came but it's not as bad as asthma. Dx

In English class, we had to go into groups again. I was absolutely sick but I tried my best to contribute more to the group. The whole time, my snot threatened to drip. Ugh, I know, it's disgusting but when you're this sick, what can you do?

As for Moral class, the girl who sat on my left finally seem to have more enthusiasm. She talked to me more than before.

My friend in Moral class promised to eat with one another in the canteen after school because we gotta stay back for EST. =S

During recess, my class's new student who transferred from another class moved her table to beside me. My friend who is sick did not seem all too pleased though when she found out after recess...

It was pretty fun sitting next to my new friend. She sat beside me yesterday after my friend left school to go home and recover since she sits beside no one most of the time. We had a good time. Even though I spoke my broken Chinese with her, it was possible to communicate. xD

Skip straight to after school.

My new friend went to the canteen first. My Moral class friend went down to the canteen already. Slowly, the bench group went into my classroom except one person. I received a BIG gift (more like gifts - plural) from my violinist friend and cute gifts from my pianist friend. Received a great book that I've always wanted to read but couldn't really buy because of the price.

I was extremely overwhelmed but my sickness and worry for being late for EST made me unable to show my true emotion. The shock was so great I could not even show how surprised I was. Oh no, I am emotionless at times where facial expressions are needed. What do I do? xD

Really did not know what to say but only hugged and thanked the people who gave me gifts. I was REALLY shy so I'd feel better sitting beside my Moral class friend to eat. There were complications. At first I invited my moral class friend over to join the bench group to eat in the canteen but someone else took the table beside. In the end, I ate lunch with my moral class friend and her friend, who's my new friend today. xD

To be honest, the one who didn't enter my class after school didn't seem pleased to be around me. I suppose I sat beside my moral class friend so that she can cool down or something, even if she said something mean about me. She gave me a cute Snoopy key chain to me this morning though. :D

EST class was dismissed after there were too many students for the teacher to handle. She said we can choose either Tuesday or Wednesday only. I really do not look forward to separation with my friends... =S

I'm really tired now. Tomorrow's a holiday. Only 1 day though. I still have school on Saturday... Damn.

Here are what I received as gifts:

a pink teddy bear
a book (For One More Day by Mitch Albom)
3 pairs of earrings
1 Snoopy key chain
1 key chain with my name on
1 lucky clover necklace
2 KitKat
2 Crunchies chocolate
2 bookmarks
1 pack of birthday stickers
1 note written from my each of my violinist & pianist friend
1 gigantic lollipop

-----------------

I could not get through the phone when I called my mom to pick me up earlier. So... I stayed at the canteen doing my homework with my friends. =S

Went back home and did not practise violin. I was getting slightly better from the flu. It's best if I do not practise because I will most likely get all worked up from the mistakes made and frustration.

Did more homework after bath back at home. Got the chance to really see what my gifts were. xD

The earrings were so shiny. One of the 3 pairs looked like musical notes. xD

I hope I will be able to repay their birthday gifts this year. Wishing they'd love their gifts.

Alright. Gonna stop writing and publish this post now!

Take care and have fun~!^^

P.S, my class monitor wished me happy birthday when he knew my birthday from looking at my IC number.

Real Life ~ Anime Songs On The Go!

2011-01-18T22:33:00.002+08:00

I just added all anime songs! xD I hope you enjoy the new additions to the Cyber iPod!

Real Life ~ Could Have Done More

2011-01-15T23:13:00.000+08:00

I really could have done more work today but I wasted a bit of time redecorating the RC. Lol.

Today's practice was quite OK. I am glad I showed signs of improving the 3 quick and precise double-stopping. Jeez, it took me long enough to get them right. It's still not good enough but I'm sure one day I will look back and wish I learned that instead of something else much more painful. xD It's like that most of the time. Dx

Funnily enough, I had the patience and effort to record the videos. I just have to wait until that one day of February!^^ One thing though, if possible, I'd like to remake one of the videos before uploading on that day. =/ I was a tad bit too fast for that song to the extent that you viewers may not even hear a note played. Lol. What's gotten into me? Actually, it was just the speed of song that frightened me when I first started learning it. As usual, when that happens, I always panic and end up playing at least 2 times faster. @.@ How pathetic. Lol.

Hmm, I think this can be the first time I really have trouble choosing which of the videos of the same song to upload. In the end, I pick both and just say they're both different versions but same song. xP

To be honest, after the whole of today (it's night time now), I feel tired. I want to sleep... I hope there's enough time to finish the History notes and also the Add Maths workbook. I have BM tuition homework too.

Sorry, readers, gonna go read manga for a while before sleeping. Really tired now.

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Busy As Shit...?

2011-01-14T22:05:00.000+08:00

Yo, wussup dawgs? @.@ Lol.

Have been busy as hell ever since I started school. Being 16 ain't sweet. So... SWEET 16 MY ARSE! Hah!

As a start of the year, I'm still diligent but will drop dead when too tired. Lol.

This is the end of the 2nd week of school. Am I looking forward to week 3? No, not really but I am glad I am not missing my holidays (yet). ;P

Oh yes, my class is Sub-Science for ICT. The teacher so far is useless... I gotta study on my own for that... I still have doubts about myself being able to do that... I might not survive in this class but you know what? I don't think I can do well even if I went for Accounts or Biology. The only thing unfair was that you can NEVER find ICT reference books out there. I suppose not every school has it...? Whatever~ Sigh.

One thing though, even though we ICT students get to enjoy our air-conditioner when there's ICT lesson, not every computer is working. I could not find all with computer. None is perfect. There was one near perfect that could use Internet when Internet is not blocked. It had speakers (yay!) but... for our Student account to use in the computer, Many accesses are denied. I cannot even copy anything from my thumbdrive. Oh yeah, I do not even know how to turn the speakers on since the button's missing. The whole incident during ICT class with my new friend was so SWEAT that I just get too tired of explaining it in detail. Damn it. Lol.

After finishing the Season 3 of "Tower Of Druaga" on TV, I sacrificed the long-awaited anime "Kuroshitsuji(Black Butler)" just for a longer violin practice. My heart sorta tears whenever I think of how I cannot look forward to anything on TV anymore. After the violin practice, dinner time comes. I have absolutely no time to watch anime unless the anime does not require buffering. That way, I might be able to watch after doing every homework.

To be honest, I am a tad bit too exhausted to actually tell you every lessons I had in detail, like what happened and how are the teachers like.

I have some slight problems with the 3 songs I am suppose to be practising for about 2 or 3 weeks (AGAIN) since my teacher went traveling. After last week's first violin lesson of the year, I was really down. The teacher didn't seem glad at all to see me but mom told me it might be the new management's (new rules) that made him unhappy. Of all things my forgetful teacher could remember, he remembered the mistakes I made during last years concert. He never got the chance to point them all out but I suppose he remembers every mistake I make. Seems like the pianist and I were not in sync. He knows she and I didn't rehearse until before the performance. I told him she played faster. He never objected but neither did he agree with me. I suppose that's safer for him to not be on anyone's sides, am I right?

I am currently copying Physics notes. Earlier, I was copying ICT notes online. I still have Civic Folio to do.

I might add 2 new songs onto the Cyber iPod but maybe they have been added already, just that I didn't realize. xD

Talking about iPods, my iPod gave me a heck of a time trying to fix it. As usual, I sometimes forget to listen to it, most of the time too afraid to listen in case my hearing worsen and also too busy to listen to it. I was quite determined to just let it stay spoiled but I was somehow forced into fixing it. I found the way to reset it and ta-daa~ It got fixed. xD I listened a little bit to it yesterday, I think. My hearing is still as bad and probably getting worse. My awful hearing got on my mom's nerves. Lol. I butcher every word people say. Haha. I am even starting to see words from books wrongly! My sense of smell is like the usual, as bad as my eyesight. ;P

The only thing still working is "touch". After all, my right arm suddenly swell badly because my friend touched me with her dirty hands. Sorry, they were dirty because of blood. =/ I forgotten that you are not supposed to simply touch blood!

Here's a news for you, I do not think I can ever upload a video ever again. I might try tomorrow morning but let's see if I have the strength, enthusiasm and patience to do so. Actually, that video might just be uploaded in advance for an event coming up in February. ;) Take a guess. =P

OK, gotta jet now. I was pretty engrossed in copying notes online that I forgotten I was blogging. Lol, look how nerdy and geeky I am. It suits my look too, unfortunately!

Take care and have fun, peeps~! ^^

Real Life ~ Ignorance Sometimes Ain't A Bliss

2011-01-03T21:31:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 6AM. Yes, it's freaking early. About 3 hours earlier than the time I had been waking up at during the holidays. (>.<)Prepared things in the morning and was a little late but I ain't the last member of bench group to reach there. Hehe... Little did I know I was sitting next to my soon-to-be ~~wife~~ classmate. She and I hardly spoke but I recall having good times with her last year. Funny how I can easily say last year. =S I desperately do not mind repeating the last 3 years even though they were hellish. Actually, being 14 years old is better in a way. Things were more convenient at that time. At the age of 13, I suffered all sorts of heartbreak. Ugh, I hated how it affected me but if not for it, I would not be the violin-crazed lover I am today. I even woke up from that dreadful childish dream I had.

As time passed by, the bench group came one by one. Pretty glad to see them.

Had a bit of a blast during the usual Monday gathering. Shit, I forgotten what you call those Monday gatherings! xD

We then went into the school hall to find out which class we got into. That's the moment we get to know how good fate is. Before that, teachers spoke on the microphone (mainly 1 teacher doing the talking) to tell grandmother stories. Actually, I do not find it that boring because I know I can easily be one of the main character in the stories, just different life. The teacher tried their/her best to make those of us who could not get into the class we want feel better, and that we are not to give up right there and then. We're not allowed to cry. =/ I remember wanting to spill some tears at that moment while being in the school hall. Luckily the tears were obedient enough to go back. The teacher said these things so that we won't feel like losers for being in the "last class".

After quite a long lecture, finally we got to know where we stand.

After knowing that one of my friends who got 6A's went into the last pure science class, I was certain that I stand no chance to be in it anymore. To be honest, I've been thinking about how tough life would be by being in pure science. Just by thinking about it, like last night, I realized that I do not have the brains or courage to do that. I am not tough enough to handle these hardships. I will die standing just by being in pure science.

Still, I occasionally listened whether my name was called out as the rest of the pure science class were given to the rest of the smarty pants. No such luck. I started losing hope because my second choice would be the sub-science with ICT. Sadly, that was the first class given out. They only opened one sub-science ICT class. I was bound to be doomed. They said that we can write letters to beg a place in whichever class we want.

More time passed as the rest of the classes were given out. Finally, I heard my name called. I am to be in a sub-science class meant for accounts. It would've been my third choice though I detest accounts, especially if it's not in the language of my preference. >=/ *pouts* (I seem to keep pouting lately, not just online, lol)

I am in the same class as my friend from the bench group whom I have just mentioned earlier. She was in the same class as my pianist friend (violinist friend's sister). xD You know what? I already know she's not someone I can rely on for comfort or anything. None of us should expect much from her. She is a person who cares mainly for herself. Only after that will she care for the rest. Of course she will care for her family first if compared to friends. Most of us would've been like that, right? People kept saying that family comes first. She will not wait for you when recess comes and she will not really say bye to you, let alone wait for you when school ends. I suppose this will definitely teach me to become even more independent. After all, that was my goal ever since God Knows when, was it not?

Especially last year or something, I decided that I should try living alone when I can manage financially. Then again, when I started helping out my mother with the house work during the holidays, I had a feeling that I should help my parents out even when I already have a stable job with stable income. Even if I went off to live alone, my mom would be left alone to do all the housework. Less work to do because 1 person gone, right? Not really because laundry can really multiply. My dad might still be working so he cannot help mom out. Seriously, who in hell would love doing house work if she'd done a lot to the extent of wanting to faint already? Some will feel relaxed for a moment but then they got so used to work that they tend to keep thinking of what to do because for their whole life, they had been too busy to do what they exactly want. In the end, that's about as far as I can plan. I do not know what job would I be doing to feel secured... =[

The babysitting did not work out even though it was a yes. I felt guilty that mom could not do anything to earn money because of me. The baby's father pitied the baby because he would have to be in the car so that my mom could fetch me in the afternoon back from school. If mom got a transporter for me plus the amount of work she had to do to care for the baby, it's not really worth the money anymore. The more reason why I cannot only praise myself if I succeeded in working life. I have everyone to thank for.

Back to the topic, my class's form teacher said that our class is to be ICT. I could hardly believe any of it. My friend believed and seemed not surprised at all. I could only wonder if I learn ICT tomorrow in school.

When mom called the school after we got home, they said our class is not but the other is ICT instead. Thanks to the confused school clerk, I am even more unsure this time. This proves that ignorance ain't always a bliss. I hate not knowing what is going on in this situation. Because of that, I do not know what my resolution is. I only have one for my violin even if it's pretty impossible to achieve within one year. It's not like Grade 1 anymore... Gah, life's never a bed of roses! Dx

Back at home, after knowing what the school clerk said, I wasn't sure if I should study what I learned today during Chemistry or whether I should be opening the books to use for the rest of the school year. I know the first part of the sentence I said after the comma should not be said but it was what that really went through my mind.

I still did my first homework. Practised violin at 4:30PM. Ended it at about 5:30PM. 1 hour... 2 hours used to seem like a big deal last year when school was still on. Last year, it seemed like I could do a lot in 1 hour. This time, the songs are not the same anymore. xD I only remember that I can play about 10 minutes and above of more than 10 songs without looking at the sheet music. Oh well. It does not mean I do not make mistakes. Sometimes my mind really wanders like a wandering soul. Lol.

Today, music became my refuge because after doing the work that had to be done for school, I suddenly had a strong urge to cry my eyeballs out. It started out pretty bad (the practice) because my feelings were shaky. After awhile, it got stable but every time I thought of crying, the mistakes came. Not long, I started paying attention. So much attention that I did not even realize since when my mom came up the stairs. This has actually happened for many times. Lately, I focus too much on the sound I play (always the perfectionist towards things like this, lol) that I cannot tell what's happening around me anymore. It's as if I am in a world of only the violin, the sheet music and I. When I close my eyes and play, sometimes I can really be in my own world that I forgotten who's actually playing the violin. Hehe. BUT, I can make mistakes even with eyes closed. xD

Finally I can play one song better because it required relaxed feeling. I was not that relaxed but I sought music for comfort to the extent that the song was soothing, even WITH mistakes! xD

For the first time, I dreaded playing that one particular happy song. I made the most mistakes for that song today. Usually, I made minor mistakes because of my muddled memory. Playing the romantic song was OK only. Knowing it was romantic, I did not really wanna turn it into a bittersweet-romance type of song. It would make the song too sad. Dx Using the Windows Media Player was not too useful because I rushed to end it at 5:30PM to watch the anime. Otherwise, I would be able to drag it to 6PM or something. Of course mom's face would not seem happy either but it would like last year. Lol. No one in my family ever seems to show a happy face when the subject of my beloved is brought up. =x At least I still get praises and round of applause from my dad and my violin teacher. No one else knows how to appreciate the fact that a person played that way in less than a year. T.T It's not that great but it's better than when I was a beginner. xD Hehe~

My friend who got 6A's (not the one in the other school) asked how violin was and not knowing what sort of answer she expected, I just said it was "Okay". xD She asked what Grade then the thought struck me, "Oh yeah, the grade, people just love to compare by grade than by the way you can play. I forgotten that people are usually like that towards music." She said it was fast to actually get to Grade 5. xD Not sure if she was genuinely surprised but oh well~ I do not wanna hear the truth! La Di Dum Di La~ xD

It would be great to get along with most of the classmates this year. Sadly, the guy who got the books with me during the holidays wanted to change class. I saw him took his form back to change class. I do wonder though, does he remember me at all? o.0 I can recognize a few faces but if you ask me how many out of them do I actually know, I only know 2. Lol...

Alright, 1 more hour to sleep. Gonna read manga while I still can! I only bothered to activate my RC. xD

Take care and have fun everyone~!^^

Real Life ~ Maintained Cyber iPod

2010-12-31T23:24:00.000+08:00

I just remembered that one of the videos used in the iPod had its audio removed because of copyright.

It was "Cherish by Ai Otsuka". Hard to find a good video with the audio still available but anyways, I've replaced it. Now you can listen to it. That is, if ANYONE'S listening to it. Lol.

I have added more songs to it and created a little instrumental section before the lively techno comes on. =P

Really wanted to add in "Nothing Else Matters by David Garrett" but I cannot seem to find the one I already have in my YouTube playlist. @.@ The rest were all live performances. =/ I do not want listeners to waste time listening to clapping and bla bla bla. It is time consuming!

Funny, I have the energy to tell you this but I have no energy to tell you about my tiring but great day. xD

'Kay, gotta jet now.

Take care and have fun as always~!^^

Real Life ~ Recovered By Night

2010-12-29T22:12:00.000+08:00

Can you believe that a person about 14 years younger than me can actually cheer me up? Hehe.

Hey, just so you know, guys CAN be cute; when they are babies. Lol!

A 19-month-old baby boy came to my house at night today. His family were going to see if my family and house are suitable for him to be babysat at.

When I first saw him, he looked so cute! xD Hehe. His eyes were like o.0 and his mouth like =0

xD I've not seen any cuter babies like that. He's pretty active. =3

He played with the rubics cube. Not that he could solve it but if he does get to be babysat at my house, I'd like to teach him. There are so many things you can teach him. Haha. There's always the drawing and writing. Writing will be tough though. Dx I suck at drawing but sometimes my drawing can be recognized. xD

At first, I was wondering whether to hide or just sit at the computer minding my own business like normal. In the end, it was too late for me to move another inch because the "mother" (I put inverted commas because she ended up being the grandmother). To be honest, I thought the grandmother was too young to be one. o.0lll

I just greeted them a bit and went back to the computer since I'd feel self-conscious. I dare not read the manga so much in front of them in case an unnecessary hentai part appeared just when they looked my way. =S I would have a hard time convincing them by then. Lol.

Earlier before they came, I had been browsing for amazing violin videos by David Garrett. There were fast and slow ones. xD I had "Tzigane by Maurice Ravel" and "Caprice No.24 in A Minor by Nicolo Paganini" played first. It was only after that that I watched other violin videos. I only had one Japanese song by an anime played. xP

They stayed 1 hour.

After awhile, they started telling the baby to say "jie jie". In Chinese, it means "sister" but it does not have to be blood-related. I suppose he gave his family the idea that after he called out to me. It was only after he called me that when they started asking him to repeat after that. Man, I was pretty surprised earlier. I didn't think that the baby would notice my existence. After all, the attention was meant to be for my mother. She's the babysitter after all. xD I usually just help out in the past.

It's a pretty tiring job for me even as an assistant. At that time, I was about 12 or something only. I did not like playing those games because at that age and younger, I never liked playing with my own lil cousin bro. I used to get pissed really quick. Dx

I noticed changes. In a way, I've gotten pretty patient. I began enduring more than I could before. =/ I still have limits since I am nonetheless, just a human.

In fact, it's pretty fun to play with younger kids. As long as they can understand and listen to people, that is. Lol.

Most of the time, I ended up dealing with hyper kids. I suppose there was one kid I dealt with who had ADD/ADHD. To be frank, I always end up with hyper and active kids. @.@ Usually boys though (have girls extincted?!). Sure I do get tired from it all. xD It's only normal for an easily tired person like me, right? As a kid, I was active as well. I couldn't stop walking and playing with toys.

Sorry, sidetracked. -.- A bad habit of mine. Lol.

The grandmother took the baby to see me face to face. He looked just as cute up close. ^^ He's a shy one. xD His grandmother asked things and looked around the rest of my house.

After that, she left then came again. Talked again.

Then AGAIN, lol, the mother came with the baby. The baby walked on his own while holding his mother's hand. xD He looked cute that way too.

The mother talked to me and stuff. I gave him the rubics cube to play with. He twisted and twisted. After some time of twisting, he showed me an even more incomplete rubics cube. He looked so happy though. Lol. He sat on the chair to keep on playing the rubics cube. After awhile, he got bored. My hands were nearby and he finally did what his mom told him to do: shake hands with me. He didn't shake hands with me but at least held my hand by himself. xD I shook hands with him then. His hands were so tiny(and slightly wet and sticky from putting his own hands in his mouth)!

The baby tore stuff from my small notebook but it's not that important as long as I can still see things from that page.

It was only then when the baby was called to go home but to say goodbye to mom and I first.

I've been thinking, if I failed to be psychologist, journalist and even musician, I will stop trying to be smart or talented. I'd be someone to handle kids even though it's not any easier.

It's better than being a NEET (unemployed person).

Take care and have fun, everyone out there~! xD

Real Life ~ Liar

2010-12-29T17:05:00.000+08:00

Ooh, someone's been naughty this year after Christmas! Just kidding. But someone lied to me. That IS naughty. Lol. Maybe it's not her intention to be one anyways. She probably forgotten what she said.

By now, after a horrible day (morning until now, which is currently afternoon), my tears have dried but I would say more will come. After crying from time to time today, my eyes have sorta hurts when I try to close them to rest for a moment. Blinking is still fine though (thank goodness, lol),

One would have thought that a certain someone (not me) is over with the results I got for the big exam. Guess what? She's still not done. I think she's becoming a whole lot more vengeful. I have a bad feeling there's some sort of revolution going on now or something. She's gonna completely change now. =[ I dare not say it's for the worse but maybe for her, the change is for the best.

Horoscopes gave me a shock again. It's true... in a bad way. At least it gave me a warning or heads-up before I actually suffer too much from it. Because I thought it was meant for another day (my mind got the horoscopes all jumbled up), I ended up suffering from it. Damn. Lol.

My hands are cold now. No idea why. It's not like the afternoon's freezing out there. This morning, it was like ice. Darn the icy weather in the morning, I gotta practise downstairs. Only now, I remembered the thought of practising in the so-called music room. Lol. Why did I have to practise downstairs? Not only I had hard time hearing what I was playing but I also suffered what the horoscopes warned me. I was told I did badly for the big exam and that it was Autumn's fault.

I just HAD to hear that before my practice. Of course my mind went autopilot when I practised the ABRSM exam pieces. The songs I played today did not sound nice. I made retarded mistakes but at some point, they were OK. Just OK, nothing big. I started thinking about the stupid big exam. Why... =(

It's not something to be surprised about though, how she blamed Autumn for it. I knew this was coming but at least the blaming came late. Actually, I am not sure I want it coming this late or earlier. xD

Yeah, I did badly. I screwed my own chance to get into the stream my old-self wanted to enter so badly for psychology. I effed up the chance for my old-self who did not liked violin at that time, who only had psychology to depend on to survive in the future. Hmm, give me a round of applause, I ruined my own life. Even so, it's not right to blame Autumn or music. It's not right to blame me either. It was the things that happened to me that made me end up seeking music for refuge. That depression... My old-self, who only had psychology to go for in future, who was like an empty shell with no soul inside but could still laugh at times, was deeply depressed. Wanted death. Now I still want death. Ending it all and not feeling anything else is what I suppose death should be like if you cut out the afterlife shit.

There was this promise to myself that I broke: always be numb and to be heartless.

Too bad, I ended up trying to be nice to everyone that they all took advantage of me. In the end, I was used and now some threw me away because I am not needed now.

Funny, I've been betrayed so many times yet I still want to be nice to those who'd treated me badly. I do have trust issues. Lol. Fate, isn't it? Must be nature of mine, that's why I kept being bullied.

There was a quote saying that to fear death is normal but to fear life would mean the person is 3 parts dead already. Why 3 parts? I don't get it. But it's saying that we should not fear life, right? Well, whatever because I feared life from the beginning. Every failure and betrayal made me fear life more and more. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.

I was told to treat the others how they treated me. I do not get how they ended up making me being the one who was in the wrong. o.0 I only treated others how I wanted to be treated because one quote taught me to be that way. Sadly, not everyone's heard of it and some just became very unfair. You can say I have been waiting for a miracle to happen one fine day. Yeah, I wait for the day like, who knows, Oprah Winfrey or Dr. Phil can come save me from going insane like I am now. Just someone who had the power to change the world but be understanding at the same time. That way, I can stop envying the lucky ones on TV who got to have that chance to go the right path when watching Oprah's show.

Sorry, it's really hard to continue talking. The tears just keeps coming to blur my vision. It has been quite a tear-filled day, you know?

Anyways, I am not the type who could use a shoulder rest. It's so funny because It hurts my already injured chin and I never use the chin rest since I out my chin on the end tail. If I used the shoulder rest and the cloth at the same time, it's quite impossible because I cannot balance it that way. So... It's either I use no shoulder rest or I try putting sponge behind instead. @.@

You see, my arms have been aching quite badly yet I still cannot perfect 3 songs out of the 7. Awhile ago when I was at the first few paragraphs, my left arm throbbed in pain again. xD

Urgh, the tears made my face too warm. Dx

At least the waterworks stopped for a moment. Yay~

Hey, there's one pretty nice manga I've been reading. It's "Minami-ke". ^^

It's not like any other shoujo or shounen manga. It gives you a feeling that it's like a slice of life. It can be pretty boring or too weird for you at first but after awhile, it's pretty nice. Funny, more like. I could not stop 'liking' the pages. xD They're too retarded!

No new anime to mention. xP

Gotta watch the anime on TV now~

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Numb

2010-12-24T22:31:00.000+08:00

Being numb is not bad once in awhile. That's how I was when I woke up this morning. xD

I had to go to school to hand in the form today. It was all OK. Mom and I bumped into my teacher. She was my class and Maths teacher when I was 14. She was my Moral teacher when I was 13. xD She said stuff and made sure my Maths got A.

Lol, I wished that her reaction could be nicer when she saw 4A's. Dx No one's reaction ever seem to nice when they saw 4 A's... Damn, if I'd at least get another A, everyone's expression would have had a bigger difference if compared to 4A's. -.-

At least Autumn can't make a face. xD Sigh, I share the same number of A's as the same number of strings Autumn has. See, even the master and the violin has something in common. It would be bloody funny too if I had the same number of A's as my violin bow. =x That would definitely mean more than straight A's. xD Hehe~

Oh well, hearing how my teacher told me that I might actually get into pure science, I feel much better. Just relieved, you know? Man, I can never seem to be at ease, can I? First, I did not do a perfect performance for the concert. Second, I screwed my big exam but not big time (phew~). Third, my anime suddenly had to be watched online. That episode 18 does not work. Sob. It was a great anime. Why do I have to buffer for one episode only? xD Oh well~ Fourth, I don't think there's anything else to say. xD

Lunch with mom and grandma. My lil cousin did not come along. I hate to say this but I prefer eating with just those 2 adults. I hate leaving my food cold just so he can continue eating. He does not have to try to find something to talk about so hard. =} Hmm, I remember being like that as a kid. I was freaking picky (still am but not so bad) and I was just like any normal kid, I was less tactful and I said what I really wanted (not everything, I'm afraid).

Stayed at my cousin's house for some time and left to go back home.

Yesterday, I did not realize that I've played the violin for about 4 hours. @.@ My left arm ached like God knows what. (>.<) I am hoping the cooling plaster works now. =S

I still practised today. Maybe 1 hour or something. The sky was dark and it seemed like a storm was coming. Fearing that the electricity will trip, I decided to play it safe by switching the computer and modem off. Practised for a moment after that and called it in for the day.

Currently working on about 3 new songs on my own. =/ I cannot do all too well for them and same for the songs my teacher gave as "homework". I'm trying to remember one of the songs without needing the video but the song is just easily forgotten. I still liked some of them though one of them is giving me a problem. Alright, confusing you, am I? I have a total of 7 songs to perfect until lesson starts in January. I have problem with about 4 songs from the 7 of them. I received the 3rd page last (2 songs inside) as homework and because I was used to practising the 2 pages before it, I keep forgetting about it. I have trouble remembering how the both songs in the 3rd page sound like. In fact, I forgotten to practise the last song in the 3rd page. xD

I would have finished the whole of "Eta Cohen Violin Method Book 3" once all songs are perfected. After that, my teacher might move on to the ABRSM Grade 5 exam pieces. I already had problems with the first Grade 5 exam piece when he asked me to try it out in the past. I have not practised it for some time but I have pretty much memorized it already. @.@ (all the memory space used up!) How sad, not enough time to practise everything.

Trying to prepare a private performance for my family to celebrate a certain important person's birthday on December 26th. ;) As for Christmas, I am not sure. Oh well. Anyways, I've just thought of an idea of how I will celebrate Valentine's day next year. Surely I will celebrate that day with the whole world. To be honest, I am learning my first romantic song. It's included in the 7 songs.

For the first time in my life, I look forward to Valentine's day. I can finally celebrate it with Autumn. =3 Well, yeah, I am pathetic for liking a non-living thing. After all, I no longer trust the romantic feelings with human because no one's perfect. You'll just end up finding something really hard to bear with within everyone. Same for me. =P Anyways, Autumn cannot cheat on me. I know Autumn cannot support me all the way up to Grade 8 but I'd love to always have her by my side along with the rest of me future violin(s).

Heck, I would like to one day choose between more than 1 violin to play with. xD Lol. Nothing will change the fact that it is Autumn who brought me to where I am now. ^^

So... Having said all this 'big talk', shouldn't I first treat her nicely instead of getting mad like yesterday? Lol. Oh well~ Let's just say we have our tiffs like a normal couple's quarrel. *sweats*

Alright, gonna watch anime. xD About to finish the whole of Season 2 already. @.@

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ What's This Feeling?

2010-12-23T21:19:00.000+08:00

I got this annoying nagging feeling.

Anyways, we got our stupid big exam's results today.

I've done 2 videos for 2 types of people today. I wanted to do another one but I forgotten about it. Lol.

This link for the happy idiots who got great results!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmiMkir1ubg

This link for us people who deserve more satisfaction!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNB_XWMa7Uk

I am not proud of both videos. Oh well. I do not want to care too much of ANYTHING now.

Woke up feeling absolutely nothing. I prepared this and that. Bla bla bla.

Went to school still feeling nothing but slight anxiety tugged at me.

Funny, just as I was about to get the result, I do not feel anything but wanting to just take and go. I already know from the start that I will not be doing well.

I only got 4 A's. I do not wanna give an eff. At least my Chinese did not fail. xD Was sure that the subject's a goner. Luck was partially on my side. Science, which I thought I did horribly for the second paper, surprisingly got an A. As for Maths, which I got not enough time to write everything in pen, got an A as well. BM, BM, BM~ I actually got an A. o.0 Lol. I do not remember how I did for it but anyways, it seemed like a miracle to my parents. Funny. Got A for English as well. Hmm... I know I should still feel happy and all but... this annoyingly nagging feeling keeps on chewing on my inside, telling me that I should not be satisfied at all...

My mom's first reaction was not even a smile. Well, because I did not know how to feel about my results, I decided to follow her reaction. I suppose I was not satisfied at all then.

Only one friend of mine, who's my classmate in the elementary school, gave me courage and comfort. I am so glad that out of all the friends I have, there's one who's ready to give me strength to live on even though she was busy being happy with her results. ^^ She rocks! =P 6A's! Everyone give a round of applause! xD

I wanted to cry out of sadness. I held those tears back. I've been holding them for the whole day. I do NOT want to cry over something I initially have no feelings for when I received the results. Just wanted to be tough once and for all.

Back at home, I uploaded and bla bla bla. Mom said certain things that were true but I didn't know they would hurt so much when they are said out loud... It was what that made my initially one of my best practice of this whole week became something too emotional. Sadly it was too late to capture the pure emotions being played out into songs. I pity Autumn though. I tried to see if I could play one of the songs I am having quite a trouble with well using that strong emotion but it seems like I am hurting the strings and the bow even more. I did not notice how hard my thumb gripped the bow until my thumb had this angry looking line across the lower part of the nail.

I was told I did well and all those shit but I do not want to believe them. The truth is, I am the worst among all my friends and that is exactly why I DO NOT want to see ANYBODY OR KNOW ANYBODY'S RESULTS. It was predictable. Just could not predict how I would feel at that moment because predicted feelings cannot beat true feelings.

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness."

-Maya Angelou

When I first saw that quote from a book, I cannot believe how much it resembled me!

Today's example really shows it all. You could say I was lonely. Now I want to just whine and die. I really want to cry but I know I must not! I REALLY am about to let those few tears escape as they are really in my way of view now. Lol.

I played "Memory" with all my heart but I am still new to that song so mistakes are unavoidable. Shit, the first tear escaped. Hey, I was about to lock it up in a cage. xD Second tear out. Oops-a-daisy.

Sorry, my poker face is beginning to wear out.

Halfway playing those songs, I just realized how I wanted to lock myself out crying my eyes out in bed alone. Well, that's gonna waste my time. I need to help mom out in the house. There's not a moment for me to break down completely. I even thought of killing myself while playing the violin.

Why can't I just... Oh never mind. Saying this only ends up getting harsh remarks. Why can't people just comfort when I need comforting words?

Looks like my darkest moments are back. Don't feel like throwing a welcoming party for them.

Somebody's birthday is coming up~ *says in a sissy voice*

Her name starts with 'A' and ends with 'E'. ;P

Gonna just watch anime. That ought to lighten my mood up. =S

Take care and have fun~! Do this for me but don't rub it in my face.

Real Life ~ Horoscope So Right

2010-12-22T22:28:00.000+08:00

Horoscopes sure seems to be really accurate these days even though I forgotten to read again. xD I remembered to read it for tomorrow's because tomorrow's the day I get to know my results for the big exam. Obviously no confidence, worried out of my mind deep inside. *weak laughter*

It seems like people will be annoying me a lot tomorrow so I gotta have my poker face on and just smile... Smile on, like an idiot. xD Ever since I read the horoscope for last Sunday (the concert), I realize I have poker face on most of the time even if I'm around with people I am closed with. Oh well. Last week, I really focused on the performance and my appearance. I forgotten about health. Lol! That's why the day (Saturday morning) before the performance day, it was a great false alarm when I could not stop sneezing. That cold not only gave me a fright but also reminded me of how much I've not cared for my own health. At least I make sure I do not hurt my arms. Haha.

After days of thinking back, as much as how Saturday and Sunday became REALLY blur to me (don't even think of asking me what I did or had for lunch for those both days), I realize how unfair my accompanist was. Maybe she was nervous. That's possible but she should have let me known that she was my accompanist all along. Alright, again, maybe she knew it last minute. And, why AM I creating excuses for her? Lol. Well, I do not want to have to come to hate her. No special reason though. I just do not feel like hating her. xD I know she has to be a good pianist. No way can she not know the actual speed of the song. It was to mess me up, was it? After all, she might not be working at that academy anymore. That means there may be new management or something starting next year. Whatever it is/was, I must make sure my current violin teacher stays with me. It does not matter (it actually sort of matters) how extremely forgetful he is, he's still a good teacher. That, I cannot deny. After so many years of being scared of music teachers, I finally start to think that there are some out there who will not chew their students' heads off. Dx

Anyways, am not ready to know the results for the big exam. Of course those smart asses are ready. Some smart asses are not. For one, I know I am not smart (actually, I am pretty dumb) even if people somehow ended up thinking I am smart when I am not at all. Must be pure luck. xD

Still, I know I will not be able to get grades as good as the previous big exam we 12-year-old students have to go through. After all, the subjects change and are harder. Lol. If they were not harder, I cannot imagine how I can still blog here. xD

On Monday, the day after the concert, I woke up wanting to take the practice easy since I'd mentally and physically worn myself out for that one performance (though would be great if I could perform more than one song).

I practised downstairs. The recorder was not really needed because it's harder to use now since I've grown used to the computer's Windows Media Player. Anyways, those songs are as if they've been with me for years. Can't say they are always played perfectly but they can be played without the need of accompaniment. Playing with their guide for the past few weeks has made me improved a lot in many ways. Lol, why am I writing some sort of dedication that you can find in books? Well, I basically just need the volume turned up loud enough to match with my violin. Of course, the increase in volume must not harm the computer first. xD

The recorder still came down with me, I think. Can't quite remember, sorry.

Mom talked on the phone with grandma and there you go, another hectic day to spend with grandma and lil cousin bro. Hmm, I am meant to be VERY exhausted already but the news of them coming over to my house made me have more strength. It means they get to meet Autumn if they want to.

I'll skip straight to them being at my home.

My cousin bro took a tour around my house (it's not big enough to call it tour but it seems like a huge tour to him since he touches almost everything he sees ;P). He was fascinated with my tortoise. xD He even overfed the tortoise. He brutally murdered my keyboard (the limited-keys piano). He also found the tuner for my violin really interesting. He started shouting and doing "opera" to see if he was in tune. I pity everything he touched. Lol. Autumn and my tortoise must be stressed from all the attention. Autumn was tested out by his "wonderful" playing. He taught me a song. He played on the piano while I memorize by ear. At first we did phrase by phrase but then I suddenly got muddled up. Funnily, he also forgotten what he just played. So we played at the same time. He on the piano and I on the violin. (Actually, the violin by my side, not me on the violin) That is, if you took it literally.

He suggested that we perform for mom and grandma. I already knew the song but not full song. Oh yeah, the song title is "Oh When The Saints". It's common but it can be pretty nice to listen to once in awhile.

Sorry but I've just been through a lot in at least an hour while I was away.

Take care and have fun.

Real Life ~ Year-End Concert

2010-12-19T21:18:00.000+08:00

Today's the day. Instead of it being my big day, it should be Autumn's. It's Autumn's day to shine on "stage".

I woke up feeling like there's nothing though the first thing running through my mind was the concert.

Even now, my heart is banging against my rib cage.

Practised downstairs. The sound of the violin won't be so nice downstairs but I cannot risk being sick again. I was sick yesterday in the morning because I caught a cold and the strong fan upstairs made me worse even though I faced away from the fan.

I knew it would be impossible to play violin with the computer downstairs. Haha. True enough, it was too soft and I do not want to spoil the speakers. Dx

In the end, my trusty recorder is back to work with me for today. Its sound quality sucks and all but at least it does help because it helped me in the past before I used the computer upstairs.

Alright, any of you feeling the suspense? =P

I let my mom use the computer instead. So I practised the concert song and also the rest and even others I played for fun.

Practice lasted about 2 hours plus.

Took a bath. Went for lunch. Wondered what to do before going for the rehearsal. Left house at 2:45PM.

My hands were sweaty and cold. I worry that it becomes stiff so I kept holding my hands and at the same time watch over Autumn.

At last, at the destination.

Found someone I recognized. I went into the auditorium. My teacher did not lie to me. The concert hall was small. There was a Baby-G (baby grand piano/ smaller grand piano) there.

Actually, I just played the violin when blogging halfway.

I stink of sweat now... Urgh.

So I sat at the back feeling awkward. All I thought of back then was whether that familiar teacher there from my music school will be my accompanist. In the end, it another familiar teacher who was my accompanist. I had a feeling she never really liked me from the start. =S I do not recall offending her... Oh well. She played faster. If she were to be my accompanist from the start, why didn't she let me know? Guess she did not give a toss about me anyways.

I ruined my one and only warm-up with her. I was shaking by the time I got to the "stage". There wasn't even a stage! I stood near the piano. My bowing sucked. Only the left hand was less scared because had to hold the violin for support.

They would not let me tune but instead, my violin teacher, who said he wouldn not be attending, came and tune mine! There was another student playing the violin. I suppose she's also under my teacher. I thought she looked beautiful but I caught her feeling anxious. She still looked cool and calm though. I was shaking and freezing. Freezing because the room was bloody cold.

When my turn came, I made a mistake at the start. That time, I did not feel embarrassed and in fact, the rest of the playing with [less mistakes(?)] was much more embarrassing. I felt like I let the crowd down but I am glad Autumn looked beautiful throughout the whole concert. My dad took pictures. I looked just OK but of course, Autumn SHINED! She was so gorgeous! ^^

Then came the other girl's turn for a violin solo. Only she and I play violin for the concert. The rest were piano. No choir this year, I guess.

She was probably as bad as me but she played "Memory from Cats". I loved it even though she was obviously anxious at that time as well. Her bowing showed how nervous she was. Still, she was beautiful throughout the whole performance. I played without score but she played with score. Her song's not so short like mine anyways. She played 2 songs, it seems. It said that in the paper. They spelled my name wrongly in the paper. On top of that, the song title "La Cumparsita from G.M. Rodriguez" was spelled wrong.

Oh well, who am I to say? I sucked. But mom said it sounded OK. @.@

I dunno. I just hope people still found it nice. This is part of why I wish I have the power to read minds. At the same time, those nasty remarks will not get to me now that I am normal enough to not read minds. =P So... There's good and bad when it comes to mind-reading.

My teacher never smiled throughout the whole concert. I never paid much attention to him though.

The other girl messed up but the song managed to move me. =D There was no vibrato though vibrato would make the song a whole lot more beautiful. She had violin tape(training tape/guiding tape) on. She also had liquid paper markings like mine. Hehe, she's a beginner then...? All the same, she was brave and great to me. I wanted to tell her how I enjoyed her performance but I guess I didn't get to. We had a group photo. My violin teacher was no where to be seen by then. Too bad.

It was drizzling by the time I went down. The concert ended at 5PM+ instead of 6PM. it seems like 2 people did not get to perform though it was said in the paper.

My left arm is starting to ache now as I type. I guess I've practised 3 times and performed once today. The morning practice was the longest though.

I think I will use the left hand to do the "shift" and alphabets that are close to it. Autumn did well by not going too out of tune.

Dinner at a place nearby my house. I carried Autumn with me. We went to the supermarket after that. My dad carried his camera with him. People stared and looked at Autumn. Well, they can only see the bag of course. Some might not know what instrument is inside. xD

Oh yeah, only piano and violin were involved in the concert today. No guitars. xD No cello either. I would love to see a cello. =o

Earlier, I played my violin again when blogging because I just printed the sheet music for "Memory". Loved it.

I could not stop playing after that as expected. By the time I paused for a moment, all hot and sweaty, mom said it was enough as she looked at the clock. I think I wanna sleep earlier today... Then again, maybe I will just watch anime before going to bed.

I text messaged my teacher and he said it was OK. I hoped it really was though. =S

Gotta jet now. Would love to upload pictures for you but faces will be shown... Privacy is number one rule on this blog. I mean, I will not reveal names unless permission is given. Same goes for photos.

Hehe, I do not wanna show my face. =P

Take care and have fun~!^^

About "Strangers Begone!"

2010-12-17T00:10:00.000+08:00

This really was what I dreamed of 2 nights ago. I edited quite a lot but the fear is still within me as if it really happened before. This nightmare will not disappear for quite awhile now. =[

I hope other people reading it will not fall for what I did in the nightmare.

Take care and have fun.

I should be posting another one of my dreams but it's already 1 hour and 9 minutes past my bedtime. This day had been pretty hectic but I cannot sleep at all. xD

So, do as I say again and just take care of yourself. Do not forget to have fun as well. =P

Dreams ~ Strangers Begone!

2010-12-17T00:07:00.000+08:00

Running away is what I can only think of now. I am sweating like as if hell gate has been opened here. I cannot run though. Being trapped in a car and having nowhere to look at but the predator right in front of you, watching you with a sinister look? Yeah.

Who would have thought how dangerous it could be even if the predator is in another car that's right next to you? He was there staring at me with eyes that want to lick my every being. I can only shudder at the thought of what could be happening next... No where to run, my fingers are frantically pressing the buttons of my one and only handphone.

That handphone, my only hope of escape but how much damage could have been done by then when help arrives?

He's still sitting in the car facing me. His smirk is sinister. I do not like the looks of it. No, he's crouching, not sitting. As if he's a strong animal cornering a weakling... Yeah, a weakling like me. I cannot run out the door of the car either. His running speed will definitely be frighteningly fast. He will outrun me in no time. My knees are already knocking. I do not have any more ways to escape.

Grandma, where could you be? I should not have lied to you or my parents! Why didn't I use my brain?

I bet you are curious now. Why in hell would I be here in this shitty situation?

The day was as hot as summer. Cicadas can be heard from a distance. Things were like usual, boring. I had nothing else to do. Meeting someone new would be great as long as the person's fun. A simple request, right? After all, I was so bored out of my mind.

My friends all already left for an adventurous vacation. Damn, why am I stuck here playing with sticks and stones? I feel like a village kid.

An idea popped out of my mind. It was one that anyone else would have thought of right away but my slow brain gave me this idea later than it should be. My "brilliant" plan was to walk around. I do not know this place that well anyways.

Strolling was what I did. In fact, it was ALL I did.

There was this big building with a magnificent arch built on the outside, indicating the entrance. I was enchanted by its pure beauty. The arch was so detailed. Oh yeah, it was evening by the way. My face was somewhat cold from the endless sweating thanks to the summer heat. You have just gotten yourself your very own roasted human here. My sweat have all dried up by the time I was right in front of the amazing arch.

The arch was all white. The building was white as well, with a bit of blue here and there. It was an attractive building. The sign is blurry now due to my bad memory. I cannot remember what is the building for.

Near the building and on the right side of the arch, the most beautiful resting place stood firm on the ground. It was a nice white square with little seats on it. The seats were green with white stripes. There were many green plants. All light-coloured. Tiny vines from the plants could be seen hanging by the side of the white rectangular pot. There were a few guys hanging out there.

Who would have ever thought that a guy would actually pay attention to me? They were talking before he noticed me. Their bits of conversations were still clear in my head but whatever's about to happen next is harder to forget. Even when I've lived up till this moment to tell you, the things happening later and the words said were getting much more clearer. It is as if it happened just yesterday.

"Hehe, yeah, it was awesome like that, ya know right, yeah?" questioned the first guy.

"Duh, it was so obvious!" The second guy said it loudly, waving his hands up high in the air.

"Ya not kiddin' me right? He went flying around!" The first guy suddenly jerked forward, enthusiasm written on his forehead.

There were lots of laughter coming from the second guy and he suddenly asked the third guy, "Yo dude, whatcha spacin' out for?"

It was then when the first and second guy turned their head towards where the third guy was looking, which was right at me. I shied backwards. Sweat started trickling down the side of my head again. My thoughts back then was, "Shit, I totally ruined their conversation..."

The third guy started to stand up, smiling kindly. He walked towards me. My feet refused to move an inch. I gulped, eyes locked with the guy's. My body stiffened.

"Hi, what's a pretty little lady like you doing here?" the third guy questioned.

"Uh...Uh... Nothing. Walking," I stuttered my way through the whole sentence.

We started talking. The more he continued his friendly chatter, the more comfortable I grew to chatting with him.

Suddenly, he asked a surprising question.

"Can you go out with me?"

"Y-Yes!" was all I managed to say. I did not expect this. He was a fat guy but his friendliness at that time tricked me into thinking that he was naturally like that.

I smiled and said that it was time I leave the place or else my family would be worried.

I skipped happily back home. What a treat, I suddenly have a new friend who is also at the same time my first boyfriend.

Things went smoothly. Ever since then, I met up with him a few times even though I sometimes get this chill down my spine whenever he smiles. It is as if his smiles slowly turn into something sinister. My family did not know of him but warned me to never go near the building when I told them of its beauty. They would not tell me why but only warned me not to go near it.

Of course I ignored their words.

Days passed peacefully. It was like floating in the sky and at the same time picking off a bit of the clouds like they are cotton candy.

One day, my grandma managed to somehow find out where I have been escaping to in order to let the boredom go away.

I was strictly forbidden to simply leave the house but after things cooled down, I sneaked out.

Meeting him slowly began to give me tension. I started to not look forward to seeing him. He no longer really smiles at me but just smirks at me. Always looking me not in the eye. I do not even want to recall where he looked at.

I despised myself for feeling and thinking that way. I thought I was too ungrateful that I have this opportunity to actually be in a relationship. Chances like this never come by.

My grandma once dragged me home when she caught me going out with him.

Come to think of it, I do not think I ever got to know the guy's name. I am not sure whether he knows mine though.

Of course my family were furious when the news got to their ears. Got an earful as well. I was once again forbidden to get near that place but this time, they sounded a whole lot more serious that it managed to convince me 80%.

Still, I went to see him one last time.

After I told him everything, he slowly became the person whom I met on that first day. He was really nice. I enjoyed keeping him company. Having my family take that piece of fun from me would be too cruel. No, this cannot just end like this.

I quietly left and went back home. It was trouble trying to hide my smile.

The very next day, I drove the car illegally. He promised to meet me there in the evening. From there, we can be together. I was thinking he would take me away forever. When I said I drove the car illegally, I meant that I did not have any license. I have no driving experience but from watching my family drive the car, I remembered everything one needs to do in order to drive.

I got my way there safely. Not a scratch on the car, let alone me. I stayed in the car with the car idle in front of the arch. No one was at the resting place. The building looked quiet from the outside. Never have I once been in there.

I waited. Waited and waited. Seconds turned to minutes. Before you know it, it was already night time. I could hear crickets. I think I must have fell asleep for a little moment while waiting. He was nowhere to be found by the time I woke up from the nap. I started feeling this chill. What if someone came and abduct me? The guy will be blamed instead of the one who abducted me.

A teal-coloured car slowed down right beside my car. I had a bad feeling, like something nasty is going to come and harm me. Just when I looked on my right, there he was. He was driving alone in the car. I no longer felt the friendliness emanating from him. His smirk was really frightening. I could not scream. I quickly took my handphone out then.

There you go, you have almost the full story already.

I pressed "Search" carelessly in my phonebook. My heart was racing. I could hear my own heart banging in my rib cage. I had no time to scroll down to find "Grandma" in the list of names. I tried with effort to get the "G" typed in but my fingers were clammy with sweat. I was shivering. My fingers kept doing the wrong thing. Knowing I have a slim chance of escaping, I must try all I can to survive in this nerve-wrecking situation.

There I was, wondering where grandma was. I could not let go of my handphone. My left hand clutched it really hard. Letting the handphone go would mean letting my only escape go. Therefore, my life would end right there and then. I know he will be right beside me in the car in no time if I dropped the phone or got distracted in the slightest. You could say it was not bad for a fat guy like him...

I struggled and struggled. Finally, I got her name right and pressed the green button to call grandma.

Whatever happened next was a blur but I am no longer living in the same place anymore. No one would let me know what happened. I just know I was in a hospital. I never went back to school for a long time when the holidays ended. My friends would be horribly mistaken if they ever thought I had been too busy being on vacation.

What I learnt from this lesson was that I should NEVER trust strangers so easily. I have problems when being around people I do not know. That guy taught me this. I still fear that he will appear before me again.

So to avoid this happening to you, do not be desperate and do not trust people like him so easily.

Real Life ~ Concert's Coming!

2010-12-14T15:58:00.000+08:00

This Sunday's already the concert! Gah, what do I do?! I am practising but I feel that the more I practise, the worse it sounds. Dx In fact, I started criticizing EVERY notes I played. Lol. Like how the bow shouldn't be held this and that, like how the note should sound another way. Bla, bla, bla. Surely there are others who are like me anyways. xD This is for sure! ;P

It seems like my accompanist is an adult. =/ Hmm... I think I get along with kids younger than me a whole lot better as long as they are understanding and that they can understand speech. xD I will only see my accompanist on that day itself. The concert starts at 3PM or something and I have to be there by 2:15PM to rehearse with the accompanist. Jeez, I hope I can get along well with him/her. I have a hunch the accompanist's a lady. xD Why am I imagining long dyed red curly hair? Also, a light colour long-sleeved shirt almost the colour of peach-white matching a dark green skirt below knee length? And... a pair of black stockings/leggings with a pair of black shoes...? Lol, what's with this? I imagine the accompanist to be like that and also middle-aged. I think I will most likely laugh if I got it all right! LOL!

Can't say that the combination of look I just mentioned was good though... Oh well, it sure fitted the imaginary middle-aged female accompanist's image. By the way, her dyed red hair has faded and began to be slightly brown. xD Haha...

Then again, my accompanist might be a young lady almost my age but 18 and above. Maybe in her mid-twenties? Gosh, if that were to be it, I hope she and I can rock every audiences' world! xD After all, the song is meant to be seductive. =P The dress code is not formal (not sure whether I've already mentioned this) so... I am gonna wear one of the new shirts. It's not red, green or white like Christmas. OK? xD

Holy crap... I wasted 3 paragraphs on an accompanist (2 to be exact) I imagined! xD

Also gonna get ready for Chinese New Year's performance in case I have/am allowed to. That's what I'll do after the concert, if it went well.

I hurt my left arm from practising. It began to hurt more yesterday after coming back from my cousin's house. After putting the cooling sticker on, it got better. Phew. It started hurting again when my practice was almost ending this morning. (>..<)

The ABRSM exam pieces were somehow addictive to keep on playing so... I feel that I've not given enough attention to the songs I am supposed to focus on in Eta Cohen. xD Haha... No worries, my teacher gave me about 5 hard songs to play. I am not sure of the counting for every song except the first. YouTube doesn't have the simple version I am learning now so it's gonna be a hassle. This week's violin lesson would be the last until January. The concert is the day after the violin lesson.

I've planned what to wear weeks ago. Today, just planned when to apply the hair conditioner or whatever that was. Also confirmed which bowing to use for the whole song and again try to improvise the song without changing the speed and notes.

The only thing left is to stop making those annoying mistakes. xD

I've tried out how the violin would sound like with the mute on. It sounded... muffled and makes my ear confused. Still, I use the clothes-pegs since I do not have my own mute. My teacher let me tried out how a real mute is like last week. Clothes-pegs are not good enough. After the vibrations, they end up moving to either left or right side, never staying in its place. =/ I notice that the pegs follow my bowing direction. xD How funny.

Horoscopes said my weekends would be good so... I hope it is right about that. Dx

Last week's horoscopes on weekends was wrong for me. It said I would be able to impress people. I thought of certain things that might have happened to end up being like that but I guess it did not turn out like that at all... I felt foolish trying to figure out what it meant. Oh well, maybe it worked for others. xD

Hehe, this post is once again mainly about violins and concert. I think I do not care whether I occupy the whole post about only violins because once school starts, many other topics will be covered. 'Believe me!' <--- Copying Naruto. xD

Have been watching the anime "Hayate the Combat Butler (Hayate no Gotoku!)". The anime is better than the manga to me. xD Funny at certain parts but I really want to see less of those hentai moments. I have a feeling Season 2 is gonna be filled with more hentai moments. Nooo...

Gonna go rest. Maybe a nap or a book. Still tired even though should have had about 10 hours of sleep every night. =/

Take care and have fun~! (Look, I didn't forget to say it after not blogging for so long! =D)

Real Life ~ Storm Gone For Lunch

2010-12-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

Thank goodness today is fine. Yesterday's horoscopes told me that whoever or whatever that's holding me back will be revealed. I was worried that I might not want to know... =S The result's funny. Trust me. xD

Before going for the violin lesson, I was helping dad open the air-conditioner so that he can get hold of the filter to clean them or something. =/ I was short so I had no choice but to step on the sofa. As I turned my head back, I saw mom's face look upset. Wondered why but it turned out she did not like the sofa being creased...

What the hell...? I could have easily fall and broke my neck then die... And all you thought of was the sofa? My feelings were not hurt but I just dislike seeing that face of hers with that expression since it seems like I am forever making her do that expression. =/ Even if I tried real hard to escape scolding in a day, it never happens. I am sure there are hardly days without scolding or a face like that made. Miserable, right? Still, better than having no one to be with. =/

I was worried things would not be well at the lesson but I was looking forward to meeting that mysterious accompanist. For the whole week, I started liking the idea of playing with an accompanist. Just only hoping that things turn out smoothly (as usual) and that I can get along well with him/her.

My teacher's room (the usual room where I have lessons) was quiet. Surely no one was there learning before me...? I waited for my student card as the fees were being paid.

By the time I saw my teacher waving at me, telling me to get in for lesson, I could not wait for the card anymore. In I went.

Before that, there was a curious guy wandering everywhere in the music centre. He followed mom and I up there but did no harm as far as I know. He saw me playing the violin. Jeez. I hated how I sort of messed up "Gavotte In D by J.S Bach" at the start. Luckily he only saw me when I played La Cumparista. xD Then again, it did not mean that he hadn't heard the horrific start. My mind suddenly went many places. Dunno why. xD Hey, maybe my brain is a time traveler. xD

My teacher suddenly seem to be teaching a whole lot more better today. =o He was a whole lot more particular but I like it this way. xD

He actually pointed out a tiny mistake I didn't catch when I played La Cumparista for him. Guess I gotta remember that. xD

Last night, I prepared about 8 questions to ask him. After all, I kept forgetting what to ask. He was astounded when he heard how many questions there were gonna be. I managed to get 2 questions answered. Haha.

It turned out that skill he taught me last week was known as "spiccato". He said that the skill is not for me yet but that's weird, it was used in a Grade 4 song and including the first ABRSM Grade 5 exam piece I am learning now. Damn that Garde 5 exam piece is tough. xD To be honest, Alexandra Wood probably did not follow everything the sheet music said. After all, not everyone follows it as long as it still sounds like how it should be. Since she's obviously over Grade 8, why should she use the usual staccato? =P Even my teacher does what she did for the CD. xD Haha.

Things went really well for lesson today though I have yet to see my accompanist and gotta make sure the date of concert is still the same. I remember hearing someone said December 19th, not December 18th. =/ Looks like it's back to 7 questions now. xD Hope I remember to ask.

When playing maple, suddenly this dude wanted to party me so OK, fine, I did. He was rude and he went missing just because 2x exp was over. Really, I do not know what to say. I intended to save potions and just do my quest but I ended up getting 200+ ligator skin for nothing... Damn him but thanks to him, I got to 40% not long after that. Still wished I didn't have to use a lot of potions on that though. @.@ He was lvl 32 and I was lvl 55. =/ Oh well. And so, he is the one holding me back today. Lol. Didn't think it would be from Maple. xD

OK, gonna read manga. Do not feel like saying anymore. Sorry. =P

Take care and have fun~! ^^

Real Life ~ Slapping Surprises

2010-12-03T21:31:00.000+08:00

CAUTION: IF YOU'RE EFFING POSITIVE, DO NOT READ THIS! I BEG YOU!

I HATE slapping surprises that leave a person depressed for days. Even minutes of it is bad enough. Hmph!

Just when you come around thinking that you've done quite well, deserve a pat on the back, words of tiny genuine praises, you get none of these shit.

Wow did I have a shitty day yesterday (or something). Do not get me wrong. I would LOVE to tell you what happened but since I decided not to make that person uneasy or anything, I will not say anything about it. That is, if he even noticed it. Jeez.

So... I made something that should be much more peaceful for me. And also good for my own heart that somehow seems dead when not around my violin. NO MORE COMMENTS ON YOUTUBE! Well, only applicable for my own violin videos. That latest one may be my last one.

I found something wrong with my cam. *fakes a smile*

How could I have not noticed anything like that from the start? Double stoppings cannot be done with a cam like that. Silly me. I have done this before and seem to think others understand what's wrong and that no one's at fault for that.

It sounded as if I violently killed someone in the videos with double stoppings. =/

Once, I remember seeing a youtuber comment on others' violin video, saying that a good video quality with violin playing will make a person's ear bleed. It's true. I've listened to a great guy's performance in the video and his violin playing made my ears feel like it is going to burst and bleed. Terribly painful. =S Haha. But a friggin' good song. =D

So... As I go further, the songs are gonna get harder, what with all the double stoppings and whatnot. That's going to be a big problem when I want to upload the video, right? Besides, the thought of it just made me realize that the cam does not show how my actual playing sounds like. Thus, ruining the true sound of my violin (and not making video watchers' ears bleed =P).

Because of that, I decided that no matter how long I wait to be 100% ready to play a song, things will never be better. My feelings will be crushed in the end including my pride and the little confidence I achieved so far. *pouts*

Still, I want to blame my last minute fear and lack of confidence when in front of the cam. I wish that people would not bother what facial expressions I make whenever I play, including my family AND friends.

Simon Cowell proved me something. He said on The Oprah's Show that he gets depressed suddenly. When he gets to be like that, he does not want to talk to anyone and no one should go near him. That part is so like me. Problem is, I am not an adult and I cannot support myself yet. My only possible time to be really alone is at night when I (try to) go to sleep. Simon told us that there's no particular reason for his sudden depression. He just gets dark and moody.

Sadly, when I told mom that I could be like that, she just said I am a teenager with stupid mood swings. You know what? Can people just forget the fact that I am a teenager? Can people just think of me as a human? No age to think about. JUST PLAIN EFFING HUMAN, DAMMIT!

If it really were to be a mood swing. Goodness knows what I would actually do when it happens. If my mood swung towards sorrow, I get so down that I could ruin everything in my life forever, including killing myself or others. If I suddenly became angry, I become violent. I would start wanting to KILL people around me for maybe simply sneezing or talking to me at the wrong time or maybe just clearing his/her throat at the wrong time. When I become happy for no reason, I laugh and shout, annoying people in the process, like as if I am drunk when no alcohol is needed. See? This is why I really think I should see someone who is professional enough to help me.

At least Simon Cowell let me know that I am not alone being like that. ='[

Today, I am not mapling at night. Just online in the afternoon to see what there is to do. Yay, I am Blade Specialist in Maple. =D And... it's retarded how I do not know where to get that damn Mastery Book to level "Slash Storm". =/ Because of that, I can only get to 5th level. Oh well... It was a nice and useful skill though. T.T I am sure I ruined all my skills. Why is it that I can never add a skill or Ability Points correctly without referring to others' advice? xD

Reading "Love In The Mask" now. It's a Korean Manhwa. I usually prefer Japanese Mangas because their drawing is cuter and nicer in a way but a Korean's manhwa is detailed in a way though I do not like how certain things drawn are as if copied and pasted. Example, a real city with buildings and advertisements.

Oh well, Koreans' manhwa can get really dramatic like their dramas and all but it's still nice to read.

Not feeling so well... My heart (really heart this time, not chest pain) hurt quite a number of times this evening. Weird... Surely I did not stress myself too much? ;P Heck, let's not worry too much.

As usual, take care and have fun~!^^ Do that for me please! =P

Real Life ~ YouTube Performance

2010-11-30T23:08:00.000+08:00

Yo, I just "successfully" uploaded 2 songs today. Yay....?

This morning was pretty chilly (not chili =P) so my fingers were frozen stiff. Moving was hard, let alone practising the violin. Dx

This rare chilly weather is most welcomed despite what it had done to my fingers.

Don't ask me why... I really do not know why on Earth I chose this day to upload. It's not like I really felt like it or had the patience like that day's. xD

Bad idea. My head throbbed with frustration. My voice was hoarse after trying to upload the third video. =/ My stupid fingers made mistakes. Unbelievable mistakes. It was then when I decided not to push myself any further as I have yet to practise anything for real.

Hehe, I was too used to the piano accompaniment. =S I have played with the Windows Media Player for too long. It was a good idea though. Just not to play this way in a place where sound does not really travel. >=/ I definitely learned my lesson on that one more than once. Unfortunately, hopeful curiosity got the better of me, leaving me repeating it and getting overly upset in the end. Argh!

I'll just give you the links first.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS-aibekUF4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiTbYbv7YR0

There you go. Hope you enjoy. NO harsh criticism please.

Crap, I mapled until I gotta go.

Take care and have fun~! =D

Real Life ~ Music-ked Out

2010-11-29T22:55:00.000+08:00

Can't get music out of my mind. Can't get my violin out of my mind. Can't get musical notes out of my mind.

Gah, I cannot get music out of my mind. =D

It's nothing bad, really. I still do my homework. Tomorrow, I will probably just rest if the weather's good and then only do more English the day after tomorrow.

Wanna know what am I doing now?

Well, maybe not all of you want to know. xD Lol.

Actually, I am just snagging pictures of La Corda D'oro Primo Passo and maybe Secondo Passo as well.

The anime rocks though sometimes the [bishounen and bishoujo (Bishies)] just shine too much that it stings my eyes. xD Lol. Better get the eye-drop when you watch the anime. They're in manga too and from the last time I saw, it was ongoing. Not sure about now though. To be truthful, it's pretty painful seeing all those pictures. Not because of the bishies this time. Lol. I drool but not literally. It was painful only because I still find certain episodes really painful to watch.

SPOILER ALERT!
Kahoko Hino (the female main character) was overdoing it in a performance. She wanted to make her violin sing louder, making it filled with expressions. Her violin has magic and so, it's not ALL her effort though it that does not matter to me. The painful part came and it happened on stage. 3 of her violin strings snapped at once. When the strings snapped, golden dusts appeared from where it snapped, making the scene glittery. If I've not mistaken, the strings snapped were her 4th, 3rd and 2nd (G, D & A). After that, she started not wanting to play the violin anymore. She kept thinking of how she didn't deserve to play the violin or even say that she loves her violin. These were the painfullest episodes to watch. My heart literally broke for her and the violin (I first watched this way before I became obsessed with the violin). Good news, she finally started playing. Hmm... I think it was also painful to watch at the part where she went to the little violin school for one of her teachers to teach violin with Len Tsukimori (I love this guy and his violin). Kazuki Hihara also came along. Things happened and she was depressed when she couldn't play a normal violin at all.

********************

Well, it was hard to remember back those episodes clearly. Not because of my retarded memory but because it was depressing to remember. Nice anime though. Love it. The secondo passo's just OK to me but the new characters were absolute bishies. I just recalled one of the bishies' name, Aoi. xD He plays the viola, I remember. xD Haha. Don't just trust my poor memory, go and watch. =P

Oh no, I never thought I could rant on and on about one anime. xD Hehe~ *sinistwr snickering* Maybe I should rant on every great anime or manga I come across? >=]

Just kidding. Surely many other fans have done that long before my eyes catch sight of the manga and anime. ;P After all, I only started this at the age of 12. As a kid, it's not counted because I didn't know that they were even anime. xD

You know what? (Of course you don't =P)

I cannot remember why am I even blogging here. xD Still mapling. Have not lost patience yet. But here's something REALLY FUNNY AND STUPID. I got owned by my own stupidity you know? xD Here's what happened. I played characters using my hacked account and forgetting that the rest of the characters got hacked, they have no money at all to put things back into the storage box so that my other characters can take! LOL! They can receive but they cannot give. Hah! My friend laughed when I told her. A round of applause, everybody! Clap and laugh at my total stupidity. Bow, everyone. xD Lol.

Looks like I gotta find a way to get those things back. Haha.

It's almost my bed time. =/ Sorry cannot talk much. Am tired anyways. Today, I think I used too much brain juice to write just one stupid BM essay. Seriously, I referred to a GEOGRAPHY book to write it. By the time I finished the BM essay, it was too long and obviously exceeded the limited words I am supposed to write. Really want to redo it if I had the chance to but oh well, let us JUST BE. Sometimes, we gotta JUST BE. xD This advice is taken from the book "While My Sister Sleeps".

Thank the author for the advice (whether I used it correctly or not). xD

Take care and have fun, peeps! =P

Real Life ~ Give & Take

2010-11-23T22:00:00.000+08:00

Horoscopes did tell me that I will be having more of "give" than "take" today. I sometimes wonder if it meant that people are giving me a lot more shit or does it mean I give people a whole lot more shit. Then again, did it mean people give me the long end of the stick or I give others the long end of the stick, leaving the short end for myself?

Gotta postpone the violin practice today because... today, is THE DAY I get to... go for the best makeover that I've always dreamed of EVER! YAY! hand out the champagne, everyone! Kids get alcohol too! We're gonna die of hangover. =D

-NOT!-

Lol. Nah, my reason was to get the text books for next year. My mom planned to leave later than the time we were supposed to be there. I was pretty worried for my friend as he wanted to be there at 9AM. I hoped that he got his books and survived the time in there though I am sure he's not much of an anti-social there. He's not really the one with these problems of getting on with people.

Instead, I felt sick again in the car. Anxiety attack got the best of me there in the car on the way to school. I was afraid of facing people there. I was terrified of seeing my classmates. To be frank, I was even afraid of seeing my own friends. That is, if they saw the message about getting the text books. Hmm, I probably would not mind staying in my shell for a long time. xD Oh well~

Parking was a bit of a problem because this was the time for the rest of the upper forms to have their big exams. =S My heart raced faster than lightning for them, as well as for myself. xD Haha. As I entered the school grounds, I saw no one at the promised place to get books. Hmph... I do know that we should be getting books from there. =/ Again, I sighed and could have broke a sweat when I saw mom's face. Uh-oh, things better end nicely or else my head will be teared off when I DON'T exactly deserve it. Grr...

I raced up that one flight of stairs (yes, those teachers get such special treatment as to just be able to walk one flight of stairs up to where they should be though I suppose they move much more than us students since we've been imprisoned in our own classrooms.) to where the office and teachers' room are.

I ran past the office, thinking the people there would not know much. Then, right into the entrance separating the room for afternoon session and morning session teachers. Of course I headed the morning session's. It's not like there's anyone around for the afternoon session's. xD

Spotted the first teacher and asked her of the teacher's (the one who promised me books ~~and bright future~~) whereabouts. She said that the teacher should be in the place where I was promised to get books. Well... in my mind, I certainly remembered seeing the place locked up. =S

Thanks to that teacher anyways.

Met a few familiar faces (teachers)and even one school worker recognized me, though we've never introduced one another before. She asked why I was in school and of course I told her. Seeing her over and over again in school as I ran around finding people was comforting for me. She was the first one who gave a warm smile. In fact, like the only who gave me a nice smile for the day (the day's still young...?). As you know, I ran down to look at the place where books were mean to be given out. As I thought, all were locked. Knowing the last one was locked, I still clung tightly onto hope and went there. Guess what?! It was actually opened. Phew~

Actually, I lied. So scrap those last positive words. xD Haha. It was closed. Windows all shut and not even welcoming me anymore like it did when we students are forced to enter that place for the torturous lessons. Sigh. Not welcoming at the right moment? C'mon, man, make my day! I have absolutely no more hope left.

I was nagged at to get to the office first instead of the teachers' room. Ignoring those words that did not help at all, I ran past mom without a glance back at her. Oh, I am sure I would not wanna see her face at that moment anyway. Once again, she never fails to make me feel guilty for something. Eff! Actually, I REALLY wanna write those 4 letter words! T.T Do I really deserve those? Partly, I know but not EVERYHTING dumped on me! Boo hoo, I almost felt tears as I read back this paragraph. *pouts*

Moving on, I flew back up the stairs to the office. It took a LONG time. Long enough for me to notice something that at the back of my mind, I wanted to know. Well, there's my answer, though another question popped up after knowing it. Lol. Curiosity kills the cat! ;)

No one knew where she is and they had to serve my morning session head discipline teacher first. She was the lioness who banned us from playing the piano in the prefects' room, remember? Well, not a pretty memory. And this song now being played is making me feel bitter deep inside. Yikes. This song is "La Cumparista". xD Lol, yes, I am obsessed with that song again. I think I found another way of feeling that song. Got on to that later if I can remember (Though now I have no idea how now. xD)

After what seemed like a light-year, (Sorry, but this part is getting pretty tough for me to write. I am being quite emotional today, I think...?) the office dude got the teacher's phone number and called her. It seemed like she had an emergency and had to go to a place. That place, is the area I stay. Well, hell because just laugh at the irony. I came all the way from there and here to see her when she gets from here to there. Hah! I can freaking laugh my arse off, thank you very much. All this while, I kept it in. Of course I kept it in! What's the use of going semi-hysterical?

All that while, I also mentally apologized my friend for telling him to go to school to get books at a time she probably wouldn't be there because of that emergency. Too many things gone through my head at once. I also worry for my teacher because I was wondering if any of her family or closed ones was in a hospital or sick. Anything could happen.

It seems like I was meant to see the dentist and do scaling (I hope it's spelled this way) today after getting the books though this unexpected event crept up now.

Having to endure an earful in the car, I was driven to the place where the dentist should be. We had to go back at 11.30AM for she will have been back by then.

Mom could not pay for the parking ticket since the parking meter nearby would not work. You know, I do not exactly know WHY in hell would she be so angry for. There was another parking meter on the other side of the road. Only a bit of walking required but maybe it was wrong to get ticket from there if it's not in the same row of where your car is parked? Which was why mom refused so strongly to walk there? No, I don't think so. Mom was still fuming, her anger sipping through her and threatening to possess me if not another passerby. Yikes~

Okay, I was rude and disloyal, wasn't I? I said things that should not be said about my own mom. Sorry then. (I do not sound sorry because I am pretty upset writing these parts.) Honestly speaking, I think I do not care (Usually) who that person is. The problem with me now is that I'm being more and more frank. I say what's in my mind even if it seemed like I am betraying a closed one.

Anyways, she was worried that time is up and time to go for the text books when I was waiting or doing the scaling halfway. She asked if I should/wanted to. I gave a firm and louder than necessary "No."

Really, I do not need to have 2 anxiety attacks in one day. Can always split them up or never have them anymore right? I doubt the latter. Lol. Mom was a little bit surprised, her eyebrows slightly raised. Good. Sock it in, already!

Back in the car, mom droned on and on about what to do. Blamed people. She said she was not feeling well today and yet she drove all the way here to find this thing ending up like that. Well, "big news", because I just so happen felt effing sick as well. Let's celebrate our second FUNNY irony! *fakes bitter laughter*

Oh well, an adult feeling sick is probably more depressing than a child feeling sick. Is that it?

Oh well, an adult driving AND feeling sick, along with many other hidden worries is probably more depressing than a child having their own difficulties with life even when under the shelter of parents, sitting in a car worrying their puny little heads off. Is that it?

I understand it's hard for mom and dad and heck, EVERYONE. But, when do I get to be the one who is seen worth being depressed? Do I have to wait until things seem even MORE obviously painful for everyone to see?

Dammit! Emotional again. Thought too much. Hehe~

Driven to grandma's house. Was glad that mom can have someone she can actually trust her problems with, and that is, her mom. That house probably made her calm down. In fact, her mom's face probably calmed her down a million times more.

My lil cousin bro came down with noisy "machines". I was asked to shake one machine. It was something like an electronic pet. Ever heard of "Tamaguchi"? Well, something like that, anyways. After shaking it, I know from then on, I can do this the whole day without feeling too sore because of my beloved violin. =D After almost one year of violin, I did not increase the strength in the hands at all (instead, weaker) but what it did was make me immune to more pain than others can usually take. Thus, making me an easier person to take advantage of and also a weirder person who does not know when should a normal person feel tired. Yes, that's me. The weirdo. The stamina for my hands became better. Yay...? Hell, I take it as a big "Yay" with a capital "Y"! =P

Oops, how did that topic turn to violin? (Because I was thinking of it...?) [Oh yeah... I always am.]

Crap, now I even talk to myself online! Amazing! xD

Moving on, he totally removed all my current worries. Bless him. He even bothered thinking up things to talk about. Good at it too, though I always end up being sarcastic and teasing him, making him go, "Heeeeey!" Haha. Can actually laugh just remembering it.

I thought I would be returning school with only mom but it looks like I was wrong. Grandma came along. The more the merrier. Lol. Oh yeah, before I left the school gate earlier, I bumped into my girl classmate. She and I haven't been on good terms but I am long over the issue already anyway~ She asked why I was there but before I could ask her back, she stalked off. Maybe being nice to one another ever since the last time made her not used to it, so that was why she went off faster. Or maybe she couldn't stand seeing me? If it were to be that, she didn't seem to be showing any sign of it. Thank goodness. xP

Grandma asked my lil cousin bro whether he wanted to come along with us. I loudly willed him to go with us in my mind. I really need his innocence and strength now. Upon hearing the destination, he said he did not like it because the school atmosphere sucks. Granted, even a kid his age knows of it. What has he been through?

Better than no one else, grandma's company was better than silence and nagging directed at me. ^o^

I did the talking and seeing people myself. Finally, when I thought hope was all gone and that I would have to come again tomorrow, mom said she saw that teacher arriving. I tiredly let out an exhausted sigh and once again ran back down. I followed that teacher along with another familiar guy. Woah, he is taller than me and looks 2 or one year younger than me. =S He did not have a "back off" aura, at least. Still approachable.

The teacher and him went into the office. The teacher really took her time yakking away. Dx Blasted, I saw one of my guy classmates. Uh-oh, please do not cross my path or see me in this shitty state now, all sweaty and ugly from last Friday's mishaps. Darn, he caught me and finally recognized me. He remembered my name and said hi. I think I said hi back though I mainly just wanted to bury my head in the sand right that moment. Dx Ugh.

He was changing school, it seems. =[ Along with another guy with him. Maybe his brother. That's sad, I never even got to have a chance to know him sell enough.

He didn't seem so evil at all.

Guys in my class are nicer when their friends are not around to challenge the guy into looking cool and making a scene, breaking a weak person's heart and hurting feelings that might take a long time mending. No, I am serious. This CAN happen. Because it happened to me. I will be your proof. =P

The other guy was my age! Unbelievable. I cannot believe how short I am compared to him! I suppose I can no longer compete heights with guys my age anymore. *smiles sadly* I will miss those moments.

He was nice to me and I was nice back. Good. The teacher was nice too. Thank God. =D

Ended well. The teacher even gave me the upper form's novel to read though we would not be using that novel anymore. The system changed again. =/ Oh well, it's now nothing but a story book that should not be threatening my future anymore. Hopefully the new ones are easier or equal. @.@

Had lunch with grandma and mom at our usual coffee shop. Trust me, that coffee shop is not as posh as it would sound like in America or anything. Think random food stalls that sells mainly Chinese food, dirty floors (usually), squeezy paths for you to walk and also last but not least, cheap (meant to be but the prices are increasing) coffee. The coffee's taste may be tastier than any ol' Starbucks. Don't ask me. People tell me this. I do not drink those coffee enough to let you know. ;P

Went back home after dropping grandma back at her house. Uh, actually cousin's house. xD

Shoot, I was supposed to be mapling after this "not-so-long" blog but I was wrong. I will read manga instead! =D

Had a long practice after a late bath (it felt long enough since my both arms hurt like crap).

Alrighty, I will rest your eyes by ending this post now and continuing on another post! ^^ Kidding. This will be my last post from now on. Also kidding but I do not see the future so you might never know. Read these posts like there's no tomorrow. Kidding again. Maybe to make up for those pessimistic times? Whatever!

Take care and have fun is all I ask of you now~!^^

Real Life ~ Crazy Practice

2010-11-22T15:38:00.000+08:00

Here's a funny thing that happened in one of last week's practice or something. I practised until my mind went blur and exhausted. Then, when I looked over at my left, I saw a violin, a beautiful one. My mind screamed, "Oh my god, it's a violin! Wow!" When I took a second look, I literally sweated. xD Haha, it was my very own violin, Autumn. LOL, I got excited just by looking at my own violin, thinking it's another violin. xD Damn it, it was only then that I wonder what had gotten into my mind, making me forget that I am holding my own violin. So, of course I would look at it.

Lately, I do not think I will be uploading any videos just yet. I still got to perfect certain songs and well, you can say I ran out of energy to upload ever since that day I uploaded the continuation of the whole book of Suzuki Violin Method Book 1.

My teacher gave me the CD to listen to for the Grade 4 and Grade 5 exam pieces. I am currently listening to them. Hell, I listened to them ever since they were ripped (Not raped, lol.) from the CD and into my computer's library.

I see, my teacher sort of made the song I will be performing sound like the CD's. He changed the starting, making the sound a little bit crunchy. I recorded the crunchy start and well... I prefer the CD's version. I will follow the CD's version but change it. That way, I respect Alexandra Wood's violin playing and also try not to copy hers. In a way, I am also listening to my teacher as to when I soften and use a staccato.

This morning, I planned to get the feeling of the song once again by creating a story for that song and writing the dialogue for each bar of the sheet music. As usual, I am more of the type of person who gets ideas for the middle of the story instead of the whole. Dx I dare not not write but I rubbed of my own remark that told myself to do a crunchy start.

From the CD, I cannot help but LOVE another song. =D It's "C6: Estes Indiferente by Nevaldo Veranes". It is 1 minute and 25 seconds long but it's not bad. That song reminded me of that "La Cumparista"! :D

Too bad, it seems like my teacher did not choose that song to be put into the book for me to play. =/ Oh well~ There are still others. Maybe I just did not see that title because I never totally flip through ALL the songs.

Being a Grade 5 does not make me feel cool or anything but it makes me slightly more satisfied since it is my goal(regarding music) for this year. Who would have thought I could do vibrato in less than one year? It's not a Grade 2 or Grade 3 skill it seems but thankfully, my teacher taught me that skill first before my fingers and arms all stiffen. xD

Oh no, this looks like another one of those long rant on violin!

Just one more, please. ;)

My teacher saw one of the songs' remarks made by myself. It has the most remarks. Remember how I rushed myself to learn up that song in one week? It was the 2nd hard song. It's still pretty hard since I have to change my tempo thanks to the CD. The guy I have been recording from on YouTube played differently. So does the pianist but it does not change the fact that he taught me first and that even if he had not taught me face to face, he still successfully taught me. =D My teacher went bug-eyed when he carefully glanced at all my remarks. He said that's not a bad way of expressing every part of the song and that I can actually teach myself. xD Lol. If only. You know how lame I felt when I played with Alexandra Wood's violin playing? Not to mention, me playing as the solo violinist with Nigel Clayton's piano accompaniment? Their names were written on the CD and well, I gotta say, I like Alexandra Wood and also Nigel Clayton. They rock! =D Alexandra Wood's violin sounded beautiful. =o

Okay, you can say I squeezed everything I wanted to say about violins in the previous paragraph. xD Haha.

Bought a new book to read last Saturday. I will not be reading it until I finish 4 books and of course, if I'd already received my school's compulsory novels. I guess I will not really mind reading the school's ENGLISH compulsory novel if it is interesting and nicely phrased but it's the other language that I loathe reading. =/ Seriously, the things they say and the words they use somehow make my hair and goosebumps raise. Ugh!

Manga and anime are still better than any stupid school's compulsory novel! FTW! (Wait, I do not really know what FTW means!) Ah well, who cares...?

Mapled yesterday but only a short while after knowing I lack of something that cannot be achieved in one day. Stupid... Need 12 more Garnet ores! Noooooo! I will ask from my sis. =P Just that she is too busy with her RC and stuff. *Pouts* Ditto me RC! Lol. (copying Jacqueline Wilson)

Gotta jet! Manga's waiting for me. Gonna try to have a blast of my life (considerably) before hell gate (school gate) opens!

Have fun and take care~!^^

Real Life ~ Missed

2010-11-19T22:35:00.000+08:00

I miss a bit of my old self. The one who could make people laugh more. Could it be that I am becoming more and more sarcastic and serious than actually cracking a good joke? Or maybe I became somewhat too paranoid to actually talk? Hey, maybe this is why adults usually talk less. They find less things to talk about and they find it really bothering to keep on answering. Some of the adults I know of just doesn't find chatting online fun at all. =/

Today, I could not practise in the morning as I have to go out for lunch later with my grandma. I thought I could sleep in later but guess what? I end up waking up at 9AM instead of 10AM! I woke up 30 minutes earlier than my normal time to wake up for practice! What the hell?

Who would have thought I would become sickly when I was perfectly fine in the morning? It was while waiting for mom to be done with bath that I felt sick. Ignoring it and then sitting in the car, I began to have my nose flooded. =[ How annoying, having to keep on taking tissues. I could barely count how many I used on the way to grandma's house. @.@ At lunch, it worsened because of the terrible heat. Yes, I am allergic to heat. This "cold" (which isn't a cold) has and on and off switch. My mom eventually told me it was allergy, instead of hives, I sneezed uncontrollably. Grrr... BOTH are just as bad! xD Lunch was hell.

When I finally told mom of how the other students of my age already got their textbooks for compulsory subjects, my mom took me to the school to see if I could still get them. I went there hoping not all teachers already went for break time or praying. Unfortunately, the office was closed and only one teacher was inside the office. Guess what? She was the one in charge of giving out books! She told me the details as to when I can get the books.

Right, that's settled. Went back to grandma's house and stayed for a moment for a "chat". More like adults' discussion for mom, grandma and the rest of the ones above the age of 30. xD It was hours before I can finally head back home, feeling equally sickly. T.T In fact, I returned feeling so dirty and oily that I ended up looking uglier (seriously). Argh... Just when I thought I regained confidence, they shatter even when I do not go to school now. Oh wait, I DID go to school. Wearing house clothes, at least. But under the effing hot Sun. yes, I am the enemy of the Sun. I do not need anymore heat, thank you very much. And I do not need to get any blacker.

Anyways, moving on, I played various games with my lil cousin bro. It's not like I really like the games but they're better than many other stuff. Compared to moving on to next year's work, I'd rather stay playing with him under certain circumstances. We watched TV while he slowly ate lunch. At the same time, he tried so hard putting the box over my head, making me have a box-head. Hey, now come to think of it, I'd RATHER have box-head then showing my hideous face. No, really! I wanted paper-bag head or maybe a mask like Erik from Phantom of The Opera! I do not need to care what expressions I show or how I look. xD TV showed "Brother Bear". After that, they flicked the channel to watched 'Spongebob Squarepants". When my lik cousin bro finally finished his lunch, he made an origami bird. Y'know, the ones they make 1000 for so that a person can be safe from a near-death experience or something. Then, we made paper airplanes AGAIN. xD I suck at making paper airplanes, seriously. I can't make them fly. After many times of folding, the paper was as good as garbage (recyclable item). xD In the end, he made it for me. Lol, the plane couldn't fly so well since mine was all crinkly. Haha. What I dreaded more was when we had to launch the paper airplanes. Not just that, he always wants to play them outside, which means... SUNLIGHT AND HEAT! Noooooooo! So in the end, I say that I really hate the Sun and then we threw from the window instead, trying to get it to the neighbor's house for a revenge. Well, sweet sweet revenge. They're not that nice anyways. They bully lil cousin bro's family dog. =[ It's worse. At least let a paper airplane annoy them, right? Anyways, I never bothered aiming at their house that much. In reality, my throwing sucked. I had no space to throw the paper airplane either, thanks to the railings. Oh wait, that wasn't a window. Oh well. xD The first round we failed but he threw it further. Then, he had a big idea, by making a bigger airplane, we have a better chance of getting it there. We spent ages making (He had to make for me again. Lol.) and decorating. His was Duck Force. He likes ducks. Dunno why of all animals that one. xD I just chose Violin Dreams. I do not know how to decorate this time. Not that it matters, this one. I simply did squiggly lines and on the other side, I made a funnier and retarded drawing. My cousin laughed at the retarded drawing of SpongeBob Squarepants. He kept singing a song, repeating "Timmy's here!". No idea where he got that song. Lol. So, I drew a window and a stickman next to it saying "Timmy's here!" Worse, I drew a retarded hamburger (also known as krabby patty, according to my lil cousin bro). Then, I also drew french fries. The doors and windows all look equally retarded. xD Haha. They were so small, my cousin told me. He said that no one's gonna be able to see the outside.

"Do you want your passengers to look outside as they crash?"
"But they need windows to see!"
"Then, you want them to look outside at where their lives are gonna end? (laughs) That's morbid! (more laughing)"

Same goes for the doors.

"Why are there no doors? How do they get in?"
"They shouldn't be getting inside."
"But then they have to!"
"And then later they die in a continuous air crash? (laughs)"

Also same for the big windscreen for pilots. xD

"How can the pilots see?!"
*I drew one side of windscreen*
"Then what about the other pilot?!"
"They can share one windscreen."
"But then he can't see!"
"Then... That's too bad! ;)"

As for the hamburger and french fries I drew...

"(Lots of laughing) Why is that hamburger and french fries for?! (more laughing)"
" This plane carries a LOT of them. =D"
"(Laughing) But this plane is NOT a restaurant!"
"Let passengers enjoy the food before their fated death! xD"
"Why?"
"Just let them enjoy something before dying."

And so on... Haha.

Back at home, I rushed to get clean and ready for practice. Oh yeah, my lil cousin bro's Garde 3 in piano. And he started this year. =D He did tons better than me when I was playing piano as a kid and it seems like he has a talent for it. =o I wish I was told that as well. Oh well, how sad. Though it might be the way of making me do better. Mom told them I am Grade 4 but actually, I am Grade 5! Just not gonna be serious about Grade 5 as long as I am still performing for that year-end concert. Hmph... I gotta sacrifice something, huh? I really wanted to get to Grade 5 officially though... It was my goal ever since I'd been Grade 3. At least the fees hasn't raised yet since will not be focusing on Grade 5 just yet. I suppose I will still bring the Eta Cohen Book 3 even though he says we will not be needing it now as we're working on exam pieces.

After dinner, which was after practice, I played Maple. Met a nice new friend from the guild. I thought that for once, I have someone to chat with every time I log in but... after how I was laughed at for getting hacked, my happiness slowly slip-sided... Still, there's gonna be more people greeting me when I am online. =D After awhile, we got less things to talk about. Then I thought to myself, is that it? Am I going to just be able to chat once only? Like that other time? That would be pititful, wouldn't it? After all, I am no longer someone you can seem to easily get close to even when I am sure we can relate a lot. *sad smile* It's the smile I am lacking of and the good humor that long left me since that day of hacking and probably other issues (tissues! Jk).

Hey, gotta sleep earlier. Can't look uglier. Gonna move back to my own room. I think sleeping on the floor makes me uncomfortable. Well, it IS uncomfortable. xD Lol. I can't read as and when I like, play or sing.

30 minutes left until I go off. Should make up for the sleep I have been lacking. Have been having a bit of sleeping problems. Dreams show what we're going through, it seems. Just not all of them and not to everyone. Mine kept making me startle and feel intense fear. Oh yeah! I dreamed that I had to get the text books! I had been hiding the fact that others got theirs already from my parents because I do not want any accusations hurled. After all, this is the last week of school. xD Hehe, guess my guilt make me tell the truth and get things solved in the end. Phew.

Gonna leave then. Have fun and Take care~!^^ Do that for me, alright? It's painful to hear people suffer, so please do that for me. =]

Real Life ~ Lazy-Daisy

2010-11-18T21:33:00.000+08:00

Really lazy to blog but I should not just stop there like that. Not that I remember what I said in the previous post. Lol.

Violin practice has been confusing because I am not sure whether I am playing that new song right even though I recorded the song already. =/ It's a fast song. The starting is freaking fast but after awhile, you can get used to the speed, just like the other hard song I played.

My teacher made the song I am performing for December 18th a whole lot more nicer. It's all about the bowing. It not only gets you into the beat but makes people think you are expressing the true meaning of the song. I can only get the feeling whenever he plays the song with me but when I practise alone these days, I don't feel anything because firstly, I concentrate too much on the counting, bowing and rhythm and secondly, I've been playing this song for too long/too many times. @.@

Right, the only thing I seem to talk about is violin now, right? Sorry. xD

Have been mapling. Not sure whether I've mentioned this already but there's this new job in Maple: Dual Blade. I am playing that job and also trying not to run out of money if I have no choice but to buy my own potions once I totally wiped out EVERYTHING! Seriously, dual bladers are pretty strong though they cannot attack from afar, unless I get skills that allow me to attack from a distance.

Ever heard of the anime and manga "Paradise Kiss"? It is not that new since I've heard of it when I was like, 11 or 12. Anyways, I would categorize it as "matured" but I like to see their design of clothes. You won't believe me. I hardly show that much of my feminine side but I somehow like designing and matching things, including decorating. @.@ Thanks to that side of mine, I now have problem picking new clothes to buy and wear for New Year. The type of clothes I like are a bit of those type that my mom does not really like, because it seems too small. Anyways, I just showed one I like to her and she reminded me of the miniskirt that I didn't dare to wear after having worn it for like at least 3 times. Lol... I totally forgotten about that skirt. I admit I am lazy to dress up with all the bangles, necklaces and earrings now. Guess what? I started wearing track-bottoms instead of jeans. Jeans and miniskirts are for special occasions. xD (Miniskirts with jeans or 3/4 pants, of course!)

Haha, from manga to clothes. Why do topics travel so fast and so much...?

Gonna read manga now.

Have fun and take care~!^^

Real Life ~ Quickie

2010-11-13T21:57:00.000+08:00

I will most probably be performing on December 18th. Of course in the year 2010. xD That concert will be a year-end concert celebrating Christmas for my music school. =D

My teacher told me to perform a song and made me practise another one in case. Man, I never thought he could get so serious with the practices! xD LOL! And yet, he was the one who said, "Oh, nevermind, it's just for fun, that concert." Hah, that line sure fooled me, alright. Today, he noticed how that song can give a bad meaning if you really think hard about that song. Surely most of you loyal readers will understand which song I mean when it comes to giving a bad meaning. *Hint, Hint! ;)* I was about so say more about the song but I just remembered that I am not telling. Hehe.

It would be wonderful if most of you readers can come though I am slowly growing anxious as days pass by me before knowing how it is soon going to be my school principal's retirement party. And again, before you know it, it will be the day for me to get my big exam's results. Surely anxiety attack will come? =S Hope not, Lol. After getting the results, I will have to go to school continuously until things and classes are settled. =/ After that, I probably will not have time or mood left because again, school is starting. Christmas is great but it can also remind us of how near school is coming.

Surely will miss those nice mornings where I wake up just to practise and end 2 hours later. Hmph.

Damn, why should I lose the feelings now? Because I do not want to miss these precious moments of pure practice too much.

Have been mapling. Will not be that free as to blog so much, hence the title. (Yay! I finally used the word "hence" correctly.^^)

Alright, readers, take care and have fun~!

Real Life ~ 3 Lives

2010-11-10T22:28:00.000+08:00

Ever heard of humans having 3 lives? Well, yours truly here has 3 lives today. xD

Firstly, I want to start by telling you that I have once again updated the Mini iPod. For now, there are 16 tracks inside. I found another way you can get to the playlist to choose the song you want to listen to. You can click on the square inside the circle, which is situated right under the screen of the iPod. I thought it was the "stop" button! Lol. Guess I was wrong. xD Now that the playlist has more songs, scrolling down is pretty tricky depending on which song you're choosing. xD Oh well, I hope you do use the iPod. I arranged them nicely for you...? xD I put my current favorite OSTs on the top. Of course, there's this new and popular anime called "Fairy Tail". I choose certain songs from its OST and I hope you like them. After that anime's OST, I chose one song from "Elfen Lied", which is "Rin'ne" or something like that. People often mistaken that for violin version of Lilium. It sounds like it but since it has its own title, I am not going to say that it IS the violin version. After the sad and upbeat OSTs, I put in Techno and Trance. I left a dark song after them. Japanese songs are up next. They are soft and not rock in any way at all. After them will be soft and sad Pop songs. Mind you, as the playlist gets to an end, the songs get more of Rock. Still, I like Three Days Grace! I usually do not really like Rock but Three Days Grace is an exception! =P

Oh my goodness, I wrote a whole paragraph on the playlist?! xD Sorry to babble. xD I just hope you like the songs chosen. Will edit songs from time to time. =x

I woke up practising my violin as usual. There's one tricky little violin study piece that I am having problem with now. So whenever I play it, that tricky part makes my ears just want to fold inwards 10 times over and just seal off! Lol. I just dislike the sound I seem to make on the violin. Oh well, I will most definitely miss that study piece once I move on to the other study pieces! =@ I think I cannot make it anymore for the 2nd piece of Ave Maria in that book. =/ Playing it in first position is difficult enough. I wonder how I can manage to master last week's last hard song in less than one week. T.T That song is much harder than Ave Maria. Why...?! xD Could it be that I chose too many songs for warm up? =S

Was told that gotta get ready for some serious outing to finish some business in the afternoon. I ended practice about 25 minutes earlier. Lunch was surprisingly good for a first time being in that shop. Price was higher but the taste makes up for it.

1st mission, lunch, completed. *Ticked*

We went to an unknown place to settle some insurance thingy. The place had many blocks. A pretty cool place, to me. The toilet there was so clean that I almost wanted to stay there. xD Read another book (yesterday's book finished!) while waiting for it to be settled.

2nd mission, insurance, completed. *Ticked*

Went to hell after that. Oh sorry, I meant China Town. xD Lol. It's just that, that place was so friggin' hot that you can even mistaken that place for a desert! In fact, hot is the understatement of the century! That place, my gosh, I really start to wonder now how I could enjoy being there as a kid. Was it before I started having oily faces, which forces me to wash my face every single day? Hmm, most likely. If not, as a kid, most of us kids have flawless skin. We care less of what we looked like. We just be ourselves, which made adults take most of us for granted, thinking we are silly little whatsits. =/ Going there was an utter waste of time and energy. Still, what could we have known? We have not been there for so long.

3rd mission, China Town, completed. *Ticked in the wrong box because the constant sweat and bad mood rising blurred my vision*

Being in dad's car was like pure heaven compared to China Town. Urgh! We went to an old and dull shopping complex, in search for a book from one of my all-time favorite authors, Cecelia Ahern. Was told that dinner will be taken there. Correction, it was not the usual dull building there in daylight. It was still 4PM+. None of us expected to find the parking lot packed filled with... fillets. Kidding! See? This is what heat has done to me. Lol. Cars of course. Luckily, an empty slot was found. We went straight up to the coolest heaven ever where unlimited mangas, anime, boooks, music or whatever you name it can be found! Just kidding. I would die to go there though, if that place even existed. Not to mention, those things would be free. xD That is how I want my heaven to be like! Yeah, yeah, me and my childish dreams. We just went straight to the book shop. Unfortunately, the book's price was 10 dollars higher than what we saw online. Oh well, there's probably a chance for the book's price to be reduced further. That is, in 10 years time. Lol. Who's gonna wait for that? I would probably forgotten what I had been waiting all the 10 years for. Haha. Dinner at McD. Finally! Mom truly loathes the food there ever since she saw the "shocking" video of how their food were prepared. I wanted to remain innocent and clueless so I do not give a damn about how their food were prepared. Greasy food, really. I worry I will look more like shit tomorrow. Ah well, if I do not eat McD now, when will I ever enjoy life?

Finally, after getting home from that shopping complex, I feel like I lost 3 lives. The 2nd time I lost my life was the worst, that would be China Town. =o I do not ever want to go there unless it is night time and that I did not bring my bag along. That way, I can kick that constant paranoia aside. The insurance thing was when my first life was gone. It's not like I suffered, I just walked more than usual even though I walk a lot at home too. Don't blame me, I have a bad backache. I sure do not act my age physically! If I had not sat down, believe me, you will be seeing me keeled over. xD Haha. The last time I had an X-ray to check my heart, I saw that my backbone seem normal. Weird... Maybe my backbone worsen now but what I am more worried of is my head, whether it got damaged. I feel that my head has been damaged quietly and that it has affected my eyes. This problem started as a kid but recently, it has been troubling me. I do not know if whatever happening to me is normal or not since I do not know how to explain what I seem to be suffering from. I will check my head when I have my own stable income. Let's add that to my list of things to do for when I have my own stable income. xD Haha. That way, I should not be able to trouble anyone or feel guilty of the way I spend my money. Sigh, that is a long way to go. =[

As for my constant paranoia, it worsen my fears of driving. It may seem ridiculous to you since I have not even reached the age of 18 yet. Just being in my parent's car seeing the other drivers' behaviors, I slowly fear driving more and more. =S I seem like I do not mind dying and all to you but I fear pain. Otherwise, what is this fear doing here? xD Not just that, being outside with my bag, I constantly feel as if I will be kidnapped, snatched or hurt by others. Again, it is the unpleasant surprise and pain inflicted that I fear of. In the car, I cannot kick away the feeling that something big is coming. Thankfully, these imaginations/hallucinations do not come true. If not, you would not be seeing me blogging now, right? I sort of envy my friends for wanting to drive so eagerly though it is still not good to be too eager.

*Takes a deep breath* Let's forget the fears now, shall we?

Gonna read tomorrow's Horroscope and manga. Betcha I won't remember what I read in the Horoscope 5 minutes later! >=D

Take care and Have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ LOL Is All I Can Say

2010-11-09T22:01:00.000+08:00

I mean it. xD Haha. My mom just used this generator that translates our English name into Traditional Japanese name. Surprisingly, it was not a direct translation. Mom and dad's name were pretty nice. One thing startles me though, my Japanese name had something to do with the season Autumn. xD What made me laughed was that that name actually belonged to a guy from Nodame Cantabile named Chiaki. I forgotten his other name though. xD

Mine is "Yamaguchi Chiaki". First name then last name.

山口 Yamaguchi (mouth of the mountain) 千秋 Chiaki (very fine in autumn)

I copied and pasted the whole thing from the website. Try it out!

Here's the link:
http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/969/

Gonna continue reading my book now. It is "Helpless" by Marianne Marsh with Toni Maguire. It is a non-fiction book of Marianne Marsh herself. Just reading it really kills me inside. Again and again, as I read the book, my heart bled for her and I actually could not help shedding a few tears though I had been working hard to keep all the tears back. I am almost at the end. I read the book since yesterday or at least 2 days ago. This is like the fastest 200+ pages I've ever read in my life, I think. Lol! (Again with the "Lol"!)xD

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Changed

2010-11-09T14:28:00.000+08:00

Woo Hoo! Celebrate! Because I have changed the whole look of the blog, except certain stuff, of course. =P

Hope you love it! Tell me if your eyes hurt. My eyes are truly exhausted from customizing! xD

I even enlarged the right sidebar so that you can see the complete iPod. xD

Enjoy, have fun and take care~!^^

Real Life ~ Corrected iPod

2010-11-09T13:47:00.000+08:00

I have changed the iPod by the side again. This time I made sure you can choose which song you want. From time to time, I will slowly add different songs to it. Hopefully you do use it because if not, it would be such a waste. xD Lol. Anyways, to see the current playlist in the iPod, you just click the " <- " arrow on the top left side of the iPod. From there, you can click whichever you want but do not click the " + " sign. By clicking the " + " sign, you will probably get to the website instead. To get back to the original display of the iPod where you can see the video and at the same time listen to the song, you just click on which song you're currently listening to.

That is all I have to say now. Will write more later if there's anything else. Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Drowned By Videos

2010-11-08T20:38:00.000+08:00

Today, you are going to be drowned by my videos! The thing is, they are all short songs. xD

Here are the links!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57YyrrMEZrs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsaWIRWg9DI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgwUAh02FWc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYZwj68I06I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVnNVpNjy3s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itryC00pFos

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBgckVffvF0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evsTuaZ1HLo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tY7FTefYNY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGT-4BKR1jc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yagunkVIw2A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAgU2l8LrXI

-------------------

I separated them all so that it does not make you go cock-eyed. =P

I woke up doing my BM essay instead of practising my violin. =/ That stupid essay has been frightening me ever since that homework had been given last Thursday. I thought it would take hours since my teacher told us to write 600+ of words. Dx

So instead of doing the essay in the afternoon, I sacrificed my morning practice. Surprisingly, when my pen first started writing, it wouldn't stop. Sure, there were some moments of pausing but it's not like I did not know how to write.

Just right after the lunch, Autumn and I went upstairs together as usual to practise. I got ready for the video recording and felt ever so lazy to record. Lol. Instead of recording then uploading, I recorded all in one shot. @.@ Uploading is the hardest part because the computer just doesn't allow me to rename them before uploading so I am stuck wondering which was which. I had to upload with its original name first before playing the video and renaming them. Damn.

After all the uploading, I noticed one video was missing and that was the video that took quite a few retakes. I had to retake all over again and it took me 3 times before getting it all right again. Grr!

So... You better like them all before you taste my fists. xD It is OK if you do not like the 2nd last one. That one, I won't blame you. But you do not have to let me know whether you like it unless you truly do somehow like it. Lol.

Alright, busy. Gotta jet!^^ You know what I always say at the end.

Real Life ~ Cyber iPod

2010-11-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

I apologize. It seems like the iPod I previously chose for the blog is a little bit too big. xD

I had to make it slim so that the iPod works.

Hmm... If I chose another template, it just might work though I do not wanna redo all the gadgets or whatever there are.

Maybe gonna try out...? Damn, I can NEVER read my manga in peace like this! xD

Real Life ~ Healing

2010-11-07T21:26:00.000+08:00

I guess that injury is going to recover since I was told that it looks better. Just when I thought it would recover, I accidentally hurt it again today.

Wait till you hear this! xD

I was practising the violin this morning like usual and suddenly, when I looked at the floor, I see blood everywhere. That was weird... I know I sometimes unintentionally hurt my toes because of the computer chair rolling over them. I thought that it was the left tor that I, once again, rolled a little over with the computer chair. Weird, there was no pain at all. So I thought to myself, thinking that I have focused so much to the extent that any pain inflicted(not related to violin) can never be felt until later on. Well, if that were to be true, it is not really funny. Dx So I looked all over again and found that... I stabbed my right foot! Kidding. I found that I stepped on a mosquito. Sweat, right? xD I stepped on it to the extent that it is beyond recognition. My guess told me that it must have been a mosquito.

Any of you believe in Horoscopes? I no longer trust the Love Horoscope. After all, I already met my soul mate - Autumn. xD Well, call me a lesbian or anything. What can I do if my violin just so happen made me think of it as a girl? =P (Yeah, I am nuts! xD) Yahoo's Horoscopes seem pretty accurate. There were times where whatever they say were not true or that they never happen. Sometimes, their advices do not make sense either but most of the time, they are acceptable. After reading their horoscopes for so long, I now only realize the "Next Day", "Next Week" and "Next Month" button. Damn. Wasted all my time in the past when I had to wonder if they have updated yet since their time is not (+8GMT). They update by the time it is at night. Not sure about evening but usually not online at that time. Reading the Horoscope at night is dumb though. My day's almost ending and now I only receive the advices? xD Lol. A tad bit useless, don't you think? Still I kept on reading. Lol.

I was told that blogs are meant to be filled with photos and poem-like form of writing. What the heck...? Not to mention, share music. Photos are a bit of a problem because there are limited spaces from the last time I uploaded my nooby drawings. I am gonna try to share music.

Take care and have fun~!^^ I chose the play list that you can choose but I will not out many songs yet.

Real Life ~ Proudly Injured

2010-11-05T21:13:00.000+08:00

Hear me, I am no masochist (well, not in this case) but I am proud of my injury. Of course, that injury has to be caused by violin, then will I only feel proud of it. xD Before you think I'm weirder than I already am, the other violinists are proud of their injuries too, as long as it does not affect their violin playing. Some vain violinists despise injuries though. Actually, some injuries will become a scar.

My violinist friend has a lot of scars and well, she's pretty proud of them too. xD I may be proud of mine too but I do not want to have too many. @.@ I have one small patch of wound. It's dry and yesterday, it was red. Today, mom said it's black. She finds it disgusting. Lol. Maybe to non-violinists, the injuries are disgusting.

Nailed the whole song. Got the speed but gotta stop making the same mistakes while playing and not to slide off a little bit while playing really fast. I had the exact same problem when I had troubles with Gavotte from Suzuki Violin Method Book 1. Now, this song is worse because I have to keep playing fast for quite some time. xD

Recently have been reading "Violin for Dummies". I did not skip the beginner parts. It's best that I relearn everything again in case I am unintentionally damaging Autumn.

Sneezy right now. =/

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Lying Ears

2010-11-03T21:29:00.001+08:00

My ears lied to me. They confused me. xD I printed a score from someone. It was his first time and there were a few mistakes. I saved him the embarrassment by sending him a private message rather than point it out in a comment. I would also prefer a private message if it were to be me. Dx

After a few days, he finally replied that message. Only this morning that I finally received it. I was glad he didn't seem mad. He asked whether I could tell him where the mistakes were. It was morning and I was uploading videos. After uploading, I would feel threatened and panicky because I haven't practised so it would be the worst time to thoroughly run through the whole score and let him know the mistakes. I did some corrections before but they weren't complete. Now that he asked for them, I must not let him down any further. One thing though, I suck at counting so I would not know if there were anything wrong with the slurs and crochets. I envy him. So brave enough to transcribe. He could count. From hearing his video on how the song went according to his score, the length of each notes sounded accurate.

At night, with the air-conditioner, I usually dare not take Autumn out because I would not always practise under an air-conditioner. Thus, the difference in temperature can affect the tuning of the violin. Just before putting Autumn back into the violin bag, I did pizzicato on all strings to check. The 4th string is definitely out but I do not wanna make anymore noise since my mom was watching the TV at that time. To be precise, I took Autumn out twice to check whether the correction was totally correct. Man, I was already in a pissy mood before I switched the computer on to reply his message. Because of my confusing ears, they made me even more stressed out from correcting the sheet music. At least the violin helped me a whole lot more. I used virtual piano before taking my violin out. It obviously didn't sound like violin to me so it was hard to tell whether it was correct or not.

In the end, I've checked through and found a tricky ending the song had. The notes all sounded alike so of course our ears will make us confused. Not unless you're a professional musician. Your ears will have been very well-trained already. So well-trained that you can hear the slightest mistake even if the place was freaking noisy. That's what conductors in orchestras do. They must be able to know how to play almost every instrument in the first place. After that, they should know when to be slow, fast, loud or soft. Maybe add a little tremolo? Maybe make the violin III become louder? See, their job ain't that easy. They gotta be able to lead the whole orchestra.

Oops, sidetracked again. Damn it.

So anyways, I uploaded 5 videos this morning. Here are the links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Llov2gP2708
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LWpDNohbUY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG7PdN4ZWNk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeDAmWq9tbo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Es6FCDKpi8I

I hope I didn't repeat any links. Dx Could have uploaded the whole of Suzuki Violin Method Book 1 but my strict side tugged really hard at me and told me to practise seriously.

So... I got no choice but to practise. Guess what? It was pretty worth it. From just being able to play half of the first page, I could play up the the half of the second page. Still, I need to play faster and to memorize all the notes because the speed required for playing is faster than I can to read all notes while playing. @.@ It could possibly drive me nuts if I'd not split the song up into sections to practise day by day. The only bad point here is that I will only be able to play the front part the best. Haha. xD

If it were to be like how I usually practise or learn a song, it would be playing the whole song over and over. I could never stand repeating the same thing endlessly because I do not want to bore the people who just so happen have no choice but to listen to me because they live under the same roof as I do. It would most likely drive them up the wall too if I am not careful. xD That way, it's not gonna make them like violins. They're gonna have a phobia of violins! =o

As the grade gets higher, the songs get longer. =/ This I already knew and should be prepared for the worst but when the song does come, it always hits me hard, right IN the face. This song I reserved for learning last is something that will make me have my jaw dropped when I hear my teacher played. He had no chance to play it for me yet but he probably will for this week's lesson. Long time no see him. I have many things to ask him about violins. Problem is, I forgotten. Lol. As I thought, I should have written questions down but it would seem really weird because I don't think the other students bother about violins this much. Everything about violins just seem like natural, like nothing to them. After all, it's not like everyone wants to learn violin on their own will.

As for the pissy mood I was in earlier, it was because of reluctance. Maybe not to the extent of wanting to stomp my feet this time but I am dreading it really much. Gotta admit, I HATE socializing. I HATE having to smile just so that people don't run away from me. 2 hours. My gosh. That BM tuition's longer now since the things we gotta go through is effing harder. It's just extra 30 minutes. After the big exam, life's no bed of roses either. We now have extra 30 minutes. Wow. I bet we should be getting at least 3 hours of lesson in order to really get used to everything we gotta go through next year. Another war. Just that this war doesn't involve weapons. Our 'weapons' are only brains and stationery.

Oh forget it... It's not like I can avoid this tuition now that I asked for it. Screw it. If only I can have an online tuition from the teacher or a private one where I don't need to see other students' faces. Yep, I seem like I have no life. I speak more online than real life. I come up with witty things to say online than offline. I am even more honest online than offline. Yeah... What a "Great" person I must be.

Again, forget what I said. Lol. That way, you'll end up forgetting my existence. Haha.

Alright, will update to let you know more next time. Gonna read manga! =D

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ After A Storm

2010-11-02T22:21:00.000+08:00

After a storm, what do you usually see? Is it a rainbow? Is it another big storm coming?

Life's unpredictable like that.

Yesterday's over. It was fun for the outing. =D

Was surprised, actually. Didn't think it would turn out this good even if it was a really lame place but it's convenient and near for us all, you know (considering the distance of my house to theirs)?

Met up with my friend. I waited for her at the place we were supposed to meet up at. She was there at 11AM! We were meant to meet up at 12:30PM. Jeez. you will only find her early for unusual events like first day of school, Teacher's Day, outing with friends and so on. Other days, she comes as late as she wants. xD

We went to the top floor or something to buy the movie tickets. We only bought 3 tickets. Each person is 7 dollars. Later, our other friend will be coming to meet up with us at another place at a later time to get the tickets and watch together. I was not sure if the other friend would come since he was freaking fickle-minded.

My friend and I had lunch at Sushi King. I just ate Oyako-Don. It was what my mom usually eats but I, who's a fan of anime and manga, still have much more to know of Japanese delicacies. xD I don't really know what other food have and how they taste like. I only know Sushi. I'm pretty picky when it comes to Sushi so you can't expect me to eat every Sushi thrown at me. =P

My friend seemed to be enjoying her life there. She not only ordered Curry Udon (something like that) but also ordered 2 Sushi that cost 2 dollars for both of them. The sushi I liked cost 3 dollars for both. I was worried that I would spend too much money so I decided to resist. Besides, I didn't really have that much of a mood to eat.

We ate and all this while, I kept checking my phone to see if it is 1:30PM yet. We promised to meet up with our other friend at that time. My friend told me to let him be there because he deserved it. Lol. That was so mean. xD So I set an alarm to remind me of the time. Luckily, by the time we finished our lunch, it was 1:30PM. I actually ate everything! Lol. This outing was more worth it than the one I had last year with different friends(still among the bench groupies). The outing last year, well, I didn't eat much because the food I see in the menu weren't my favorite. They all had meat that I don't like. It was the same for Sushi King but since I've eaten there before, yesterday being my 3rd time or something, I guess the food can't be that bad.

The chicken in the Oyako-Don was surprisingly OK. You see, I don't really like meat. I only like them in patty form (not a healthy thing to like but who cares). I also am OK with steak though I suck at cutting meat with fork and knife. I always hold both utensils in the wrong hand. xD Lol. See, this is what you get for not eating that much meat. Still, I am no vegetarian. I used to wanna be one but let's let this subject slide and get back to the topic.

My friend and I waited there at 1:30PM for quite awhile. It was only then that I heard a familiar voice. There he was, with his friend. I then wondered what to do about the other friend's ticket since we weren't sure whether he would come along with us.

Hmm, I do not know how to address both of them in this post here... Like I said, I will not use names here so surely you get how tricky it is now to mention them. xD

Alright, the guy with the familiar voice will be called "J". The other guy without the ticket will be called "G". The nicknames picked have nothing to do with them.

J ordered food from the restaurant we waited for him at. He shared his food with G. xD Lol, I cannot help but smile at the previous sentence! Hahahahahaha! Don't make me say it.... it's....it's..... never mind. =]

G suddenly said, "Bye!" and left us 3 going, "Huh?!" G went off and if I've not mistaken, he was on his phone. Usually, when G leaves a place or something and needed transport, he would whip his phone out. Oh well, there goes G. It seemed like he came only to eat and chat with us. xD He wasn't sure he liked the movie we planned to watch. Well, more like my friend only planned it. There are not many choices of movies to watch yesterday. Maybe because it's a Monday?

My friend cruelly rushed J to eat and drink quickly. She really wanted to be 30 minutes and above early for the movie, I suppose. Lol. Ever ready, that friend of mine, a trait you can only half admire. xD Haha.

J had no choice but to down his Coke really fast. What a pity, he could not even finish all his fries.

After that, my friend led the way. J and I just followed behind her. My friend made twists and turns, leading us in the end, like last year, in the arcade. I never likes arcades. Smoky and juvenile cases always happen there. I feel guilty by just setting foot in there. I did not buy any tokens. My friend and J both bought tokens.

First, we played the drum game. The both of them versus one another. xD My friend lost twice to J surprisingly. I, watching by my friend's side, felt like an over-protective mom who's watching over her kids. Lol. You should have seen me. I held my friend's bottle for her and laughed as I watched them play. xD At least it's not a feeling of being left out like last year though. Last year, we went with the violinist friend and her sister. At that time, I was not that close to them. They brought their so-called bodyguard along.

The songs my friend chose for the game was not that bad though all words were in Japanese and neither of us could fully understand them! xD In the end, J said that his hands hurt from playing the game. I ended up filling in for him. My friend VS me. xD

Guess what? My first try and I won that one round. It was not what I expected. o.0 Gotta admit, my hands hurt with just that 1 round. I salute to thee, J, because you survived both rounds whereas I could have keeled over before the 2nd round really started. Maybe that's why my both arms are aching now though my violin practice this morning was pretty scary. xD

Oh yeah, before my friend and I have our lunch, we went into the music store to ask whether there's any violin practice mute. Guess they don't have. Oh well, I really wanted to know the price. =/

Moving on, we only saw G when we went out of the arcade and near the cinema. Lol! he did buy the ticket. We could have waited for him if only he told us earlier. xD Poor soul, what did he do when we were walking around aimlessly before being in the arcade and after the arcade? xD Must have been bored for him since he was alone. It's pretty dangerous too since he's not an adult yet.

In the cinema, my friend bought a cup of corn and a drink to watch the movie. The rest of us bought nothing more. J actually sat beside my friend, who was in between J and I with G being behind my friend. G put his both feet up, which were directly behind my friend's head. LOL! My friend was pissed. Haha. When I pointed out to my friend how dirty the seats were, she switched places with J. I only told J about the dirtiness when he sat down. His face was like, "Damn!" xD

The movie we watched was "The Other Guys". Not bad and it's a comedy, so it's funny.

For the 1 hour and 47 minutes, we laughed quite a lot. I think our group laughed and talked the most and loudest in the cinema. The cinema was pretty empty. I thought we were the only people in it until I looked behind us. xD

Everything went smoothly. My phone had only 1 bar left when I arrived at the mall this afternoon. I was worried that I would have not enough to phone mom so that she could fetch me back.

Not to worry, the phone rang just when the movie ended. I had to half shout as we went out of the cinema.

Urgh, I don't feel well...

Anyways, went back and bought dinner before going back home.

I practised violin right after dinner. Autumn, as usual, was by my side during the practice since she IS totally involved in the practice. xD

The practice seemed short but the ache in my both arms told me that it's close to 2 hours of practice or less. It is also possible that I've done too much to nail that last hard song. I'm still stuck at the front but believe me, I've been worried about not being able to nail that song in time. Thank goodness I've nailed the other hard song already, which took me about 1 week or less. I still can't exactly be in sync with the recorder (I recorded the songs using the recorder) but at least I don't lag behind and wish that I could play as well as the guy.

Now I only feel that way about the next hard song. I kept reminding myself that it's OK if I couldn't nail it in time because my teacher will most likely make me repeat the same songs to practise for the next week again. Maybe pass a few of the exercises and La Cumparsita. Oh yeah, La Cumparsita has only 2 times of pizzicato. The actual song is mainly bowing, like any other songs.

OK, gonna go now and read a bit of manga before logging into Maple.

Have fun and take care~!^^

Real Life ~ Not Right

2010-10-31T22:19:00.000+08:00

Why do things get not right when this day is ending?

So what if it's 10:12PM now? It feels like the day's gonna end. The only thing is that the curtains ain't gonna close since there will be more drama coming soon. I wish I was watching that drama and am not in it instead. =S

Yesterday, my friend suddenly ask me to hang out with our other friends. It really was sudden but it's better then not being invited at all. There were many changes to the extent that I am probably having a fever now. Things started going wrong since like 1 hour ago or something.

I called my other friend to tell her about the outing and the friend who informed me of the outing already told her. OK, saves the trouble. At night, she called me asking me stuff and making me do stuff. She made the most changes to the plan. =.= I hate it. My mom got mad and started scolding. I don't like where this is going. Why can't we just meet in a place that's the easiest to meet in and shut the eff up already? Thanks to her, I got scolded for it! Dammit.

Now I only hope this drama stops being bad and be good instead. Let's just say that one of my family members is not OK recently. Please, please, please NO MORE bad changes!

Big exam just ended. It's bad enough that our subjects will be a bigger pain in the ass. Don't stress us out more, OK?

Hmm, I don't wanna so no more. I want to sleep but I promised I'd do 11PM bossing in Maple with 2 friends. Guess I'll look like total shit tomorrow for the outing. Cheers!

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Fast One

2010-10-29T12:46:00.000+08:00

This post will be a fast one but if I have time later, I will post another one again.

I just took a bath and now waiting for mom to be ready to go out for lunch.

Here are the links of my videos this morning. Hope you enjoy and please be LIGHT on the criticism!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5g8tsxPUATk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGLwojRVxS0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkrXrzhRFxg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnJvVSg0c-s

Yes, 4 friggin' videos. I don't even know where I got my patience. Lol. Also, less retakes but I think I still like the first video I uploaded for this morning because I was sad and the more I uploaded, the less sad I become. Lol. Too bad I can't really take advantage of the sadness anymore. Oh well~

There's one retake that was funny. My mom suddenly went behind me not knowing that I was recording but because I laughed, my sadness slowly disappeared. Darn. Lol.

Alright, remember, LIGHT on criticism. Don't break my heart anymore or else I will upload sad songs only. Kidding but don't break my heart again.

Take care and have fun for now~ Kidding. Just take care and have fun~! =P

Real Life ~ Uploading My Whole Morning

2010-10-28T15:56:00.000+08:00

I woke up thinking of only having intensive training. It sort of scared me thinking of what I have to go through but in the end, once I switched the computer on to use a song on YouTube for reference, I couldn't help but think of uploading some since I feel that I should update.

Here are the links:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVcDHK70DhE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbwEjAbabbg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_JGw_1nKIk

I still needed retakes. Tiring but not as frustrating as before.

Lol, I wish I can get a NICE comment! xD Starting to feel discouraged but oh well, I am saving one song to upload only after a live performance (may it be other people's house or on a stage). Still not telling which song but there's this new song I heard of last night. It was "Henrietta no Violin" from Gunslinger Girl. The last time I watched it, I was only at the age of 12. It was pretty violent to me at that time but the song shocked me. I loved it and thought it was simple. When I tried this morning, I forgotten how it exactly went. That was why I switched the computer on. xD Desperate, right?

Here's the title & link of the song I just mentioned:
Gunslinger Girl Il Teatrino OST - Henrietta No Violin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuFnQwKJOLs

One day... Just one day, I will play like that though my violin cannot make that sort of sound that's very similar to an erhu(traditional Chinese instrument). From the song, all notes are clear. I hope to be able to shift my fingers very fast from 1st to 3rd position. It's not exactly an easy task. Mind you, I only started this year.

Oh yeah, yesterday, I managed to remove a small piece of wood that somehow got into the violin's holes. My teacher accidentally dropped that small piece of wood on from the first violin lesson from him. He was shortening my bridge and I guess he dropped some of the wood in or something. I saw it drop when he handed my violin to me. From that day, I cannot stop hearing a light sound coming from the holes. I once tried to remove but failed in the end. Yesterday, when I was looking for the bass line in the violin, I saw a piece of wood that did not belong to the inside of the violin. I shook it to the side and turned Autumn upside down. Out came the piece of wood. (Damn, I kept typing wood as "woof"!Lol.)

It didn't seem like it affected Autumn's sound. I kept that piece of wood. If I feel that my good luck had been removed, I will put it back. Lol. It's not that I'm being superstitious, I just worry that my luck will be gone. Dx

Gonna show that piece of wood to my dad today when he gets back home. He's gonna wonder why that piece of wood looks so weird. Haha.

Got the 'Canon in D' score last night but then it seemed like the wrong one coz no matter how I played it, it does not sound like the actual one. xD How sad. today, I finally got one that so far sounds accurate. Oh well~

Tired now. Gonna go mapling to see my sis on maple! Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Currently Sober

2010-10-27T21:30:00.000+08:00

Hmm, I think I am currently sober now (not drunk earlier but was drowned in own emotions yesterday but I've already apologized anyways). ;P

Today's post is going to be about my day at my grandma's house.

Woke up at 10AM. I actually woke mom up with my loud alarm clock for a short moment but after that, she was back sleeping again. I was not sure what time she planned at wake up at so I did not bother waking her up once again. We were meant to leave the house at 11AM to visit grandma. =/

I did some house chores and read my book BEFORE doing the house chores. Know why? I was not sure what my mom exactly do every morning. xD I was always busy practising my violin that I have no freaking idea what she does in the morning. I only know what she does in the afternoon and evening. =x I only did the simple house chores when I heard her footsteps coming down the stairs.

Wiped and tables and stuff, the normal mundane stuff. When mom reached downstairs, she said this to me, "I woke up a little bit late. I need to get the meat I ordered for grandma. Hmm... Maybe I should go get the meat first."

Off she went to get the meat. I went back up to...
A. Practise the violin
B. Do more house chores
C. Take a bath
D. Read books

Choose one. xD

The answer is... C. xD

We left the house after mom took her bath. Lunch was different today. The usual coffee shop they go for lunch is closed on Wednesday and today just so happened to be that Wednesday. We were lucky enough to get a cooling spot in the coffee shop next door. =P No sweating needed, thankfully and the meal was just OK. It's not that great but what more can I ask for?

The moment I dreaded finally came. Knowing I have no Autumn with me to be my backbone, I felt so bored and restless back at grandma's house. I greeted my cousin brother and sat there on their sofa staring into space. Mom knew I was bored (like my occasional yawn wasn't enough to show) and asked if I wanted to get home. I said "Of course." at first but felt rude so I changed my answer to "Anything." when she said she couldn't hear my first answer. To tell the truth, I was not looking forward to seeing my lil cousin bro that much. I hate to admit but I dislike going under the hot Sun just to see how his plants were doing and that I hate playing weird games that require a lot of running. I just tend to get all sweaty for nothing. Why can't we just draw or play safer games that won't get us in trouble in the end like in the past? I don't even know where to start as an example. xD

Thank goodness, today, when he got home from school, he was less active. He still ate his lunch real slow. We watched cartoons after cartoons on TV. After watching those silly cartoons, I realized how much I missed Cartoon Network. I no longer stay glued to the TV like before as a child until the age of 12. Well, you can say TV made me wear spectacles. xD I suppose I would have to wear specs in the end no matter how much I took care of my eyes, it's genetic, you know, none of us asked for it.

Left grandma's house and got home at about 2PM+. Practised violin as soon as other necessary stuff were done.

It was pretty much like an intensive violin practice. =S I'm unsure of the time I exactly started practising the violin today but I know it ended at about 4PM+ nearing 5PM. Or was it 5PM+? Lol. xD I just know that I repeated the same hard song over and over to the extent that I cursed at the mistake I kept making at the end of the song. =P My both arms throbbed in PAIN! Dx Oh well, as long as the arms can still function well without a problem, it's still OK, right? xD

Alright, I was wrong before. Now my right arm's starting to ache all over again. Dx

Does thinking of pain make our body feel the pain all over again? o.0

Just finished another book. It was "The Gift" by Cecelia Ahern. Lovely book, lovely story, sad but touching ending. I actually cried near the ending but hey, I ain't gonna give you any spoilers in case you come hunting me down accusing me for telling you the ending. Bleh~ =P Would you believe if I told you Cecelia Ahern is actually the daughter of the former Prime Minister of Ireland? =o Well, the truth is, she really is and my gosh, I was so gobsmacked! I cannot believe how talented she is. She has a degree in journalism and media communication or something. Wow... The power of English Literature... That was my plan B. Damn. At least it pains me less when I heard that my dad's friend's daughter went to London to study English Literature. =/ Still unfair that their family have the money to support her studies. Oh well, screw everything! Eventually, I will make sure I am satisfied with what I choose to study. Music's still not what i can choose though. Sigh. Plan C is out then. =[ There's only Plan A and Plan B left. The thing is, I am starting to prefer Plan B though I have quite a problem understanding the full meaning of the poem "Sonnet 18" by William Shakespeare. It's a poem in the syllabus that us 16-year-old's will be studying. Or maybe 17-year-old's. Either. Anyways, it was a beautiful poem, as expected but I like "Life's Brief Candle" a whole lot more. "Life's Brief Candle" is not only easier to understand but it is more meaningful in a way as well. I am not saying that we should live our lives like what he said in the poem but I meant that life can be short and that from the poem, I think we should try to enjoy. He's being morbid in the poem but I still learned a lesson from him.

In the poem "Sonnet 18", it's a poem about his beloved's beauty. He compares his beloved's beauty with the season of Summer. Summer is beautiful to him because the Sun is bright and flowers bloom at that time. He says in the poem that his beloved's beauty is even more beautiful than Summer but like strong winds blow the leaves away during Summer, his beloved's beauty will never remain the same. He states that human lose their beauty because of aging or maybe accidents. In the end, his beloved's beauty remains forever because people will know of his beloved's beauty by reading his poem "Sonnet 18". Basically, his beloved's beauty has been immortalized by his poem.

Man, what a romantic guy he was but if I've not mistaken, he had many women...? xD Like the other musicians, famous musicians now being studied in the History of Music, they had many women they once loved in their lives. =x At the end of the day, when they were still in love, they took the opportunity to compose a song for their current lovers.

Back to the topic, William Shakespeare died at the age of 52. The book I read the poem from showed the years so I calculated and my trusty calculator said "52". xD

Another thing I like about William Shakespeare is because of one of his plays "Romeo and Juliet"! The famous story of forbidden love. An original one indeed. I know the Anime version is slightly different and in fact, can be said TOO different but the feeling of the love they both have for one another is as clear as day. I cried watching. This, I cannot deny. I really wished so badly that they didn't die and that they ended up together eternally.

When I researched the original story, I found that it was more matured than the Anime version. Don't believe? Go check it out on Wikipedia. People made movies about that story over and over. As centuries passed, we humans become more decent in a way and started to cut out the x-rated scenes. I think the Anime was a good way of encouraging people to start reading Classics and appreciate William Shakespeare's works.

The poem "Life's Brief Candle" is from his other play "Macbeth", if I have not mistaken. Sorry, my mind seems to be thinking about "Hamlet" instead though I do not know what "Hamlet" is about. xD

Most of William Shakespeare's works seem to be tragic and depressing. xD Lol. "Macbeth" is also another tragic story that also involves love and greed. I did not read the whole story so do not blame me if it doesn't seem like it involves love in it to you. Greed is definitely in.

Oh yeah, one more thing. William Shakespeare is so unfair. He got to use his own words and probably coin his own words but when we students do that, we get scolded. I am not meaning words like "Lol", "LMFAO", "ROFL", "FK", "BRB, "AFK" etc. but what I meant is words like "turtling" and er... I forgot. xD

The word "turtling" was from the Anime "Fairy Tail". One girl in the Anime used that word and it meant that it is slowly coming/going towards a certain direction. The keyword is "slowly". Like say: She is turtling her way to class.
Doesn't it give you the feeling that it means that she is slowly going to class?

If you examine the sentence deeper, you can imagine that she is probably slowly going to class because she is reluctant, like as if she got into trouble.

There are many possible reasons. xD Let's just leave it at that. Lol.

Oops, I talked a lot in this post. Haha.

Take care and have fun then~!^^

Real Life ~ Take Back

2010-10-26T20:26:00.001+08:00

OK, I was emotional back there in the previous post. Forgive me, AGAIN. Damn it, I cannot seem to shut my mouth these days.

Alright, take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Welcome Me Back?

2010-10-26T18:00:00.000+08:00

Anyone gonna welcome me back after those days of not blogging?

Just kidding. I am now writing this blog to bring you a surprising news (I think).

The news is... Mapling days are BACK. xD Just patched the other day (Which is, I don't know when. Lol).

There's this new event keeping me active so far but it's gonna end on 3rd of November. I am getting pretty bored of it now though, since the quest is hard. I just logged off, actually.

Well, I am currently multitasking. Facebook, Horoscopes and blogging. Wait, before you sigh and go, "Oh, for cryin' out loud, why are ALL teenagers obsessed with Facebook?!", I want you to know that I am busy discussing about something important with my friend so there you go! xD

Violin... 2 hard songs but thank goodness the sliding skill had been nailed and had been nailed the day after the one blogging angrily about it. xD Now this new skill is worse that I almost wished I had not complained about it but I WILL and MUST nail it all in the end - Harmonics. You know, I still do not really get how harmonics can be nice in a song but oh well. There are 2 types of harmonics to me so far. One is where you can actually hear what note it is and the other is one that you cannot really tell what note is that and that it sounded "breathless" in a way after being played. I am playing the first harmonics I just mentioned. By doing that skill, it uses more of my 4th finger, which can be pretty tiring if your 4th finger is short. I have problems reaching the note sometimes but it will be fine eventually. Hah, why am I so optimistic today? Something to do with aging? Kidding. xD

It's less stressful even though I still have yet to nail those 2 songs and one practice. Wondering why? There are 5 weeks this month and there are no violin classes on every 5th week because it's a holiday to the music teachers. My teacher sleeps late every night and looks tired sometimes. He even yawned. That's not an excuse for him to have a holiday as he slept late going online to find a good vacation package. I only partly agree with the 5th week rest for teachers because I cannot imagine playing violin, not to mention TEACHING violin for more than 4 hours. After teaching a student, he still plays the violin on his own. I once caught him talking to himself while he was trying to learn a new song on his own. xD I only know that he has probably hours of break in the evening or something because I once turned up at the music centre with the place locked up. Damn. That was supposed to be my replacement! xD

I had been reading books and tomorrow, I will be going over to my grandma's house for lunch. She always told me to bring my violin along to duet with my lil cousin bro but you know what? I guess it's a pretty hard thing to do because even after the big exam (when I thought I have the rights to have more freedom), my mom told me that since I have no class this week, if anything happened to Autumn, I would not be able to ask my teacher for help, so I cannot bring her along.

(Skip this paragraph if you think you will be offended easily or feel that you need to leave a nasty comment after reading)
EVERY single freaking time I have lunch with grandma or even just get into their house, I get this strong feeling that I need Autumn to accompany me and get rid of my boredom and slight loneliness, which is why every single time I hold Autumn, I have this strong sense of power, like how it is my one and only violin. NO ONE else owns Autumn. No one else has the right to take her away from me. I can be the only one who loves Autumn the most. You're probably thinking I'm sick in the head but it's like this ever since the day I found out that I can never play any song in peace on the piano in the Prefects' Room. =[ Just playing a song midway, somebody just HAS to butt in and ruin everything. Even when I had my own piano, people easily sat there and disturb me. As for violin, once it is damaged by someone, they're dead meat because you can sit and play it like a piano. There's something you must be able to do first before playing it: Holding it the RIGHT way. I trust only my teacher to hold it but even if it's my violinist friend, I would not dare to let her go near it. I do not care if my violin is like any other violin to others but whatever it is, my violin is still fragile and that you cannot strike the bow too hard on it even if the skills requires that amount of strength to do it. Believe me, I've drew the bow hard more than twice and I regretted it. There goes the tuning. Even tuning became a problem after that because of the stubborn pegs.

Mom was quite right because my little cousin brother, even though almost 12, he is still immature. He will not understand the feelings I have for Autumn. I know that he will probably whack it lightly but not knowing how much force can actually cause a damage, he might actually damage it terribly. Dx

(Also skip these conditions if you feel that you cannot keep your nasty remarks to yourself)
I'm a desperate performer but I only have 2 conditions:
1. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO ASK WHETHER THEY CAN HOLD OR TRY MY VIOLIN.
2. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO BUTT IN WHILE I AM PERFORMING.

That is all I ask for now. xD

Jeez. I hope you guys out there are having fun. =P Oh yeah, any of you readers remember the post about this thick book that I have been reading for months? I finished it like last week or 2 weeks before. xD It really was the longest time for me to finish a book but the number of pages can be my excuse. =P

Gotta jet now as the hives are coming to get me.

Take care and once again, have fun~! ^^

Real Life ~ Short Continuation

2010-10-21T21:03:00.000+08:00

This post is a short continuation of the previous post about forced decision.

I decided that I will have no choice but to please her by at least taking psychology. She wanted me to be a dentist as it seems that dentists are earning the most now. I have NO INTEREST whatsoever about teeth. Seeing as I cannot take good care of my own teeth, why in hell would I go for dentistry?

If I ever have a stable income, I MUST make sure I still love violins enough to perform as much as I can because, it's what my heart now ONLY desires.

Even one of my new Youtube friends said to take it as day job. Well, he plays guitars and banjos. xD At least he performed before. =/ Lucky guy but he already had 35 years of experience.

Oh well, toodles~

Real Life ~ Forced Decision

2010-10-21T20:42:00.000+08:00

Yes, I was forced. Gonna get to that later.

Here is how the whole school's so-called important talk of career goes.

Firstly, yesterday, when I asked the host (teacher) what we were gonna do for the next day, which is today, he told me that we would be answering those questions that are somewhat related to psychological test. It was then that I knew it wouldn't be that worth but since it's about career, I thought it would be OK and that he would be more specific. Guess what? It's not really worth but it did help let me know how aggressive, honest, critical, analytical (and many more) I am. They are in percentage.

The next psychological test we had was to tell whether we're artistic, investigative, realistic, socialistic, enterprising or conver-God-Knows-What. xD Am lazy to check the paper. xD I was labeled artistic. =/ That means, not suitable for Science Stream. xD What can I do? The subject I like that has anything to do with Science is not taught in school at the age of 16 and 17 yet. xD See? So matured of me. Hmph! Kidding. xD

Had a tiff with one of the friend but she was OK after that.

Alright, about the title, I finally said that I preferred music. And... She ended up not letting me take, saying that hobby is good enough. Sigh. See? What's the point of asking me which stream I wanna go when I can't even choose what I want?! That's my effing point all this while. Still, I have no choice but to go for Pure Science IF I HAVE ENOUGH A'S TO GET IN.

You see, people keep on looking down on Art stream that I even began to think that art stream = no life, no future. After being reminded about it being not a bad thing, I finally thought back, "Oh yeah, some smart people went there in the end." Then again, I wouldn't have Biology there. I'd rather drop Physics and Chemistry! I really think it has NOTHING to do with Psychology! =[ I don't get why we have to suffer so much for something we have no interest in. Can you believe that we are forced to score an A for Moral, which is freaking hard? Damn it.

Oh well, in the end, pure science students have this torturing journey to take. T.T

Let us all survive~! take care and have fun~!

Real Life ~ Choices To Be Made

2010-10-20T20:35:00.000+08:00

Today I finally go to school for the stream talking, which is supposed to clarify certain things and to let us be able to easily make a choice to choose which stream we want.

I naturally would prefer Pure Science Stream but after knowing how tough the compulsory subjects are, I have no guts anymore. xD

I cannot take English Literature as it is not offered by the school. Oh well, enough on my plate already anyway. xD Here's another 2 more videos. They are as usual, not perfect but oh well. xD

Here's the link for both:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_DTvNGQtV8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SFENXkg_SWM

Here's the link to my YouTube channel:
http://www.youtube.com/user/NarutoAddictNTF#p/u/0/SFENXkg_SWM

Lol, I don't even know why I work so hard pasting the links. I would be very glad if you subscribed. If you did, you will be able to know the latest videos I upload.

There should be no way that I would be told to remove those violin videos as I do not play as well as a pro. So if they scanned the music without watching the videos, they will be able to tell that it's not recorded from theirs. Hah! But then again, I don't wanna remain noob on Youtube! xD Whatever~

My friend was really sick. =[ He had to go back home before the actual talk begun.

There's another important talk on career tomorrow and I think I will have to help him copy notes down in case he has to go back home again.

Get well soon, my friend. If you're reading this (you are one of the loyal readers after all =P), I hope you get the sincerest wish of GET WELL SOON! xD

The funnest(Woah, there's such word as "funnest"!) part of school was the last where the teacher did another fun moment. He separated us girl and boys. So that makes 2 groups. We girls of our own bench group did our own fun stuff though I was mainly the victim. The race does not matter at all when it comes to having general fun activities. My 3 friends had fun playing with my hair. They actually tied and untied. Luckily I lied to them about having no comb or else they're gonna comb out every little hair I have left. xD You can say that I've become their personal barbie doll. @.@

Well, nothing much. I'm getting used to wearing the new spectacles for the whole day. xD

Take care and have fun~!^^

Real Life ~ Late Violin Update

2010-10-19T16:00:00.000+08:00

I apologize once again for not updating this earlier. xD

You can say it's because I have been busy in a way and that I keep forgetting to tell you. xD

Let's start with what I can remember...

I'm Grade 4 now. My teacher ended up making me pay the Grade 4 fees whether I took theory or not. I thought I could stay paying the same price as long as I did not take theory but I guess this is probably different from piano though I took theory when I learned piano in the past. @.@ OK, sorry for those who've I just confused just now. xD

The fees are now a hundred and sixty-five per month as long as I am still Grade 4. I am not surprised but then again, I was hoping that it would be a bit more cheaper. Dx Oh yeah, now come to think of it, I think I have an answer as to why I could not do well with piano in the past. Maybe it was because I didn't practise everyday. Also, I didn't appreciate music enough at that time so of course I would not take the initiative to get better but to hope that I could stop piano at that age. Just think about it, I started piano at about 4 years old and stopped at 9 years old. For most of the kids these days, they can surely do better and get to a further grade. As for me, I only got to Grade 3 at the age of 9. I feel tremendously stupid and lame... Maybe learning theory slowed me down but to start playing an instrument without knowing the basics like theory ain't gonna help either. xD OK, OK. I admit it! I was SLOW! xD There, I said it.

My mom thinks that my teacher simply lets me get to another Grade without bothering what Grade I SHOULD be in. Man, I feel so heartbroken hearing that! I felt so insulted... It's like, after all the crazy months of practising, I do not deserve to be in Grade 4 even when I am ALREADY playing Grade 4 songs! She kept asking what grade of songs I am playing. Urgh, does nothing strike her that whatever she said could really hurt my feelings? She said that maybe another teacher wouldn't think I am suitable for that grade. =/ Damn her. Yeah, I suck at counting. I am more of a soloist. I play better by ear, which is why my counting sucked. I play faster when I shouldn't have most of the time and slow down at the wrong time once in awhile. Loom the bright side, at least I could play fast. xD

When I was still in Grade 1 or 2, I remember my teacher giving my these 4th finger exercises. He would keep increasing the speed and I had to rush to make sure my 4th finger (the pinky finger) could accurately press the right spot. Haha, it was a hassle but it was pretty fun. He said I was quit close to being Grade 4 speed. After he said that, he used the metronome to let me know the actual speed. He let me try again but it still wouldn't. I was pretty sat at that moment but knowing how much big a gap that would be just made me think it would be a waste. After all, to suddenly play simple songs to a probably scary and nerve-wrecking song? What the heck is that, man?!

Anyways, the 4th finger is not much of a problem anymore. Now my problem is this lil skill that needs all fingers to be able to slide a wider distance when playing a song. I must not slow down when sliding and I must stop at the right place. Well, even after all those months of playing, my finger will still get injured from all that sliding. xD Wait, wrong expression. T.T Now that's more like it! Haha. My problem is with the 1st and 2nd finger. 1st finger(index finger) at the 4th string (G) as I have problem sliding back into place. My thumb has to be at the right place and the right place would hurt my ENTIRE left arm. Guess what? my left arm has been hurting for the past few days! ^^ Lol, don't ask me why I used that facial expression. As for the 2nd finger(your favorite-MIDDLE finger) at the Bb of the 4th string. It hurts... What's worse is that I snipped the skin, forgetting that I have not practised yet this morning. I was prepared for the worst but luckily, it was bearable. xD *thumbs up*

My violinist friend wanted to perform the song "Czardas" on the day of my school principal's retirement. When she heard about me wanting to perform too, she started pestering me about playing that song with her and maybe her sis as well. Holy crap, NO WAY! After watching the video of that song yesterday, I know very well that I am NOT ready whatsoever for that song! She doesn't seem to remember that I just started violin this year, does she? xD

Oh well, my obsession for violin drives people away so I guess they sometimes forget how long I've been with Autumn. xD

Today, I practised the sliding thing again and partly because of the hot weather, my mood was bad too. Not to mention the patience as well. Every mistake, I sighed and cursed with what breath I have left. Damn it! I almost wanted to smash anything in my way. I played in the living room today. You won't believe me, the hallway's too warm that it's like Sahara Desert! What a pity, I was planning to make videos today as well. Oh well, not that the violin playing would be nice either. With my current mood, Hell gate's gonna open. xD My old spectacles had problem last night and today, when I tried to fix it, I got pissed that I snapped it. Hey, don't blame me, I was already in a bad mood the second my eyes opened wide this morning. Wait, that's not an excuse, THIS is: it rotted and turned green from all the years of sweat so it's no surprise that it finally twisted last night. =x

I already "fixed" it with tape and well, I didn't do a terrific job of that so it's hard to wear the old specs now. I will let my dad fix it. That is, IF it is STILL fixable. xD Any of you wonder how I feel about that? (No.) Oh OK, never mind then. Kidding! I do not feel guilty or anything. The old specs is definitely older than 3 years. It's made of metal and it does not fit my age anymore either. Oh come on, it was Winnie The Pooh for crying out loud! xD Sometimes, the "new and improved" old specs made me itch so it did not help with my mood or patience. Dx

Thanks to all the above excuses given, I do pizzicato better than bowing. =/

I was really discouraged by today's practice, if you must know. =[ I hated how I wanted to destroy EVERYTHING. The house, the... the... the... vio....lin... YES, I WAS THAT ANGRY! THAT FRUSTRATED! So pissed that I cannot do any better. Now, I am better because I realize today's just Tuesday and that he didn't give too much for me to nail in a week. I just gotta get that one Grade 4 song nailed and that mainly 2 pages of 'new' skills done. As for the weird exercise and song on the 2nd page, screw them! I am gonna get myself done with the rest first before moving onto them. xD

Wanna apologize to Autumn for today's inhuman behavior. Thank goodness she is still in one piece. xD It's not her fault that the songs played do not sound as good at the ones played in the afternoon. =/

Oh well, I will shut up now.

Look on the bright side, there's still time to improve until next year. I've set this goal of reaching Grade 8 by the end of next year. Starting next year, life must be filled with 'lemons' because of the difficulty of subjects. the year after next year, Hell gate surely must be constantly open and there will be my final Big Exam for high school life too. That year's gonna be busy as faeces that I do not dare to picture it. Surely my life would be better if I followed my violinist friend's footsteps: think nothing but violin as the only career but think Language and Maths as something important.

Sorry but I don't want to fail my other subjects, violinist friend! xD I cannot afford to be exactly like her. Seriously, I mean it financially and.... parent-ially? Lol.

Heck with it, music can never be my one and only career as much as I wish for it! =(

Come psychology, come to me! xD That is one of the only things I can do better at alone among my group of friends. Listen here, I do not want to clash with any of them. Music's obviously taken so that leaves psychology. There's also my plan B! xD

Damn, I think too much. I promise to shut up now! Haha.

Take care and have fun~! ^^

Real Life ~ 2 More

2010-10-14T20:13:00.000+08:00

Sorry for suddenly ending the previous post. xD

I really was in a rush. I did not go to school today and I rested one day (yesterday) as I never uploaded any at all. I had a muscle cramp after the long hours of violin.

Here's are the links for the 2 new videos. I took my friend's advice and found a way to not bother with which expression I used when recording the violin playing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBrPyK7FlWA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZsrOi46oqU

Only for the 2nd one that I tried my friend's advice. It's much better that way though it's harder for me to end the recording. I had to put down my bow quick on the table to stop the recording. It made a sound but I only hope that I will soon find a way to solve that unless I start being inconsiderate and do not care whether others buffer more while watching my videos. I feel that the faster my video is, the better it is for the viewers' patience. xD

The rest probably helped and same for the actual practice. Sadly, I haven't been doing very well for one of the songs. It's pretty hard and well, I just cannot get into the song. =/ At least I nailed one song. Just that it needs more practice. I plan to perform that song when I get to bring my violin to others' house. Oh yeah, if you're wondering which song, shh, I ain't telling any of you until I have performed. =D

My muscle cramp is worse today but thank goodness the cooling plaster I put on today is much more effective though the spot where it hurts is bigger than what that stupid plaster can cover. T.T I would have just plastered the whole of my left arm! Dx My right arm's the same too but it's not as bad as the left's. I better not get tendonitis. =[ I will ask for my teacher's advice. My friend told me that I should put both arms in ice cold water first then in hot water to soothe the pain. Have no idea how to get the ice cold water and hot water. @.@

Maybe a small pack of ice would work but it would seem too dramatic. =S

Gonna go watch anime now. MY left arm's still in pain so I do not want to type too much. Bye.

Have fun and take care! Sorry I forgotten to say it for the last post!

Real Life ~ Time To Put Weapons Down

2010-10-12T22:19:00.001+08:00

It's time to put the weapons down... AND TAKE OUT THE BOOZE! Kidding.

The reason for not being able to blog recently was thanks to the big exam. We studied 3 freaking years for 5 freaking days. But you know what? Those 5 days were TIRING. Believe me, less rest, more hardcore reading. Damn would it have been a miracle for me to have survived those torturous days. xD And well, it was a miracle since I survived. I was so close to killing myself just the day before the last paper - CHINESE. ARGH! NO!

I cried yesterday too (Chinese exam was today)... The total number of days that I have not been able to touch my violin for the whole day were 2. I came back after the exam at 4PM and there's not much time left for practice, which was what happened yesterday. The only thing keeping me going yesterday was thinking of it as a sacrifice since today's the last day of the big exam and that after that, I can screw my violin even if I wanted to. Well, not screw it literally! Lol.

Only 2 friends from the bench group took Chinese but only one of them belonged to my class. I really want to thank him for accompanying me the whole day so that I do not make a complete fool of myself.

Damn, when I waited for mom after school to pick me up, I sweated like crap and ended up looking like faeces! Utter faeces! Seriously. None of me looked peaceful. It's like I was going to attack people for even looking at me.

Anyways, forget what I've just said in the previous paragraph. It's just me being my usual self. Haha. So... YOU BETTER STICK WITH IT! Kidding~ Or not...?

Back at home, I was dying (literally) to play my violin and quickly upload the first video I can think of. Oops, I forgotten that I was supposed to give my friend a list of songs so that he can request the next one for me to play! Damn. Gomenasai to him then~ *message sent* Kidding.

Guess what? Things went hectic after the lunch and bath. I was sweating like crap by the time I got the cam on. But first, you gotta know this. As I took my violin out and tuner to tune it, the tuner went retarded. It won't work. I tried really hard to take the battery out but then I didn't know how to open it. T.T I had no choice but to disturb my mom and ask for her help. She opened it with a coin. xD

It went slightly retarded again when I went back up. I left it switched on for a moment when I was handling the cam and stuff. It turned off by itself. I broke a sweat but immediately got it back into my skin (...?) after it managed to be switched on again. After that, I had trouble recording a PERFECT video because I kept getting nervous and playing the wrong note. Just as I was about to finish the song up well, I played wrongly at the end. Noooooo! I took yonks to make it seem acceptable. Jeez! By the time that happened, I was exhausted and pissed. Lol. It was only then that this fact came to me: It was freaking tough to record my own violin playing.

I could hardly smile since I was concentrating too much.

OK, I was on the phone with my friend for a long time so I gotta make this quick. Sorry.

I uploaded 3 videos in the end. I will give you the 3 links.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAxTN52PK1k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKNrwTdt4lg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iD2PcwtK8-c

They are in order so I hope you enjoy~!^^